Bears vs. Rams: 11-15-2015

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Saint Louis Rams after a tough win against the San Diego Chargers. Will the Bears recapture last week’s winning formula of an acceptable defense, a competent offense, and an opposing team that smothers itself with yellow flags? Or will they be trampled underfoot by a legendary running back whose last name of “Gurley” caused the Fox broadcasting team to giggle themselves silly last week?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “20,000 Leagues Under the Weight of His Crimes Against Humanity” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae MacGillicutty, and our tailgate party correspondent, Drunky McDumbAss.

Des: We’ll start the festivities with the segment I’d like to call, “Let’s Make Fun of the Captain’s Terrible Playoff Picks”, but since he has his cutlass pointed at one of my more important organs, it’s time now for “The NFL’s Biggest Disappointments That Were Way Better On Paper Than In Reality.”

Redbeard: ARRRRRRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHHHH, mateys! Let’s take a long, pitiful glance at the teams that, like fabled aqua based comic book legends Aquaman and the Sub-Mariner, failed to live up to their potential: First, the NFC, and the Detroit Lions— hoo boy—who would’ve thought that the Lions were one Ndamukong Suh away from being the… Detroit Lions? As it turned out—EVERYONE EXCEPT ME! But that was me worst choice. Me other selections ‘tweren’t nearly as bad—they be merely mediocre, like a Carnival Cruise, but not catastrophically bad… like a Carnival Cruise. Ye have the Eagles, who are neck and neck for first with the Giants with a 4-4 record, while the Saints are in a distant third… with a 4-5 record. I challenge any land lubber to try to cipher that one out without your high tech computers and your complex Common Core math problems. Back in my day, we had naught but sextants and the constellations of the night sky and the entrails of various whales when we would set up our illegal betting pools. And we didn’t “log on” or use “bitcoin” to pay our gambling debt. No, we gave our money in a paper sack, trembling, to guys named “Lefty” and “Knuckles” and “the Shiv.”

Redbeard: But enough of me caterwaulin’ about a beautiful distant past submerged in the impenetrable haze of multi-decade alcoholism to torment meself—my question is, if you’re an AFC team, why even bother? Tom Brady’s terrible vengeance against the NFL, and then all mankind, will first lay waste to the entire AFC. The Texans and Chiefs, my choices to win their divisions that sadly each have 3-5 records, will be naught but collateral damage in the merciless maw of Brady’s hyper-focused rage. As I must needs find some silver lining in the black miasma in which I usually “pilot” me vessel, the Bengals, who I chose to win the AFC North, is still undefeated. Like drunken Odysseus, I also keep being drawn to the siren girth of Rex Ryan, whose managerial style resembles me own with similar results: Five out of nine boarding parties yield untold riches, while the remaining four end in mutiny and a self-destruct sequence.

Des: Drunky McDumbAss. What’s happening in tailgate land?

Drunky: As the first person to be banned from Uber for life in perpetuity throughout the universe, I make the party wherever I am—which sounds like a great slogan for some kind of beer, but it really means that I just barge my loud stench into the first neighborhood party or open house I find as I shamble down the street of whatever neighborhood I was dumped into by the local Chamber of Commerce.

Des: Uh, huh. Do you actually bring anything to a party, other than some previously unknown insect vector, and a stark reminder that not every drunk is Charles Bukowski?

Drunky:  Well, you know how Bud Light has cans with Chicago Bears stuff on it? I bought 53 cans and wrote the names of all 53 Bears players on those cans, and then I would drink a beer whenever that player was on the field. Then at the end of the first quarter, when all the cans are empty, I would re-enact every play with the beer cans. Then when the game’s over, I would make beer can angels on the floor.

Des: That’s an image that’s going to take a while to fade from my mind’s eye. Actually, I think the afterimage is going to be worse. Speaking of Norman Rockwell on black velvet, here’s Ellie Mae McGillicutty.

Ellie Mae: Alannah Myles’s “Black Velvet” is my personal anthem and I would thank you very much for not mocking it.

Des: Sally McChesty. Would’st thou conclude this episode?

Sally: What are you doing, Des, getting ready to introduce some new Renaissance Faire character? To piggyback on the success of “Galavant?” Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a game that will have five minutes of football and three hours of pointless speculation about when the Rams will move back to Los Angeles.

Bears vs. Dolphins: 10-19-2014

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears return home to Soldier Field after an inconclusive two game tour of duty south of the Mason-Dixon Line. Will the Bears take advantage of a lackluster Florida team to get back on track and maybe secure a wild card berth? Or will Soldier Field prove to be a home field disadvantage for the third home game (of three) this season?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Subtlety is Not My Strong Suit” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Sally McChesty, and special guest tailgater, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Des, your disloyalty toward the Bears both shames and disgusts me! Ye need to follow my example of blindly following the Oakland Raiders and Tampa Bay Buccaneers, e’en if their combined record this decade be 1 - ∞. They can still turn things around!

Des: Captain, what I do is the highest form of loyalty… I challenge the Bears to do better… with pitiless mockery! Speaking of which, Captain, let’s take a moment to review your Death Punch to Abject Failure, or what you, on our September 14^th post, called your “Treasure Map to the Super-Bowl.” Overall, your divisional picks were terrible: the Saints are 2-3, the Jets are languishing with a 1-6 record…

Redbeard: I thought Rex Ryan’s combination of empty threats and hollow guarantees of victory would finally catch on this year!

Des: The Titans are struggling with a 2-4 season…

Redbeard: Ye would think ‘twould be impossible for one man, i.e. Jeff Fisher, to curse two teams at once, but in my own efforts to lay an eternal curse on the Washington Football Club, I have mostly afflicted the Buccaneers and Raiders, to my unending sorrow. But don’t blame me for the Cubs. They’ve done that entirely on their own, for generation after generation after generation after generation.

Des: …and the Bears and Steelers are mediocre at best, with 3-3 records. Your only bright spots are the 49ers, Broncos, and, surprisingly, the Dallas Cowboys.

Sally: If I may interrupt, Des…

Des: It’s Doctor Sally McChesty, ladies and gentlemen, with this week’s injury report.

Sally: Peyton Manning continues to be animated by dark sorcery and/or secret alien/human hybrid medical “treatments” that eat up 90% of the Obamacare budget for this fiscal year. Did you know, Des, that, like the military and the CIA, Obamacare has a secret black budget, most of which is spent on keeping alive star quarterbacks, the Koch Brothers, and Dick Cheney?

Des: Given that 112% of our Gross Domestic Product is absorbed by football, it does not surprise me that our medical care system would be part of that equation. Drunky McDumbAss. Welcome back to Soldier Field.

Drunky: Des, I never left. I’ve been playing Whack a Mole in the Soldier Field parking garage with Bears security. I’m the mole.

Des-boy: Whut are yew talkin’ ‘bout, McDumbAss? Yew don’t er-member the past two weeks in Standard City Illinoise Jail when we were tryin’ tuh sneak outta Atlanta after a methamphetamine fueled crime spree in which we used Coors Lite as a coolant fer tuh keep our skull pans from overheatin’? Or was that actual Prestone we were drinkin’? Talk about hydraulic frackin’! (Doubles over in a combination of hillbilly laughter and alcoholism-induced convulsions)

Drunky: What, uhhh, what mix tape were we listening to at the time?

Des: I’ll leave the two of you alone to get reacquainted with your shared dark past. Modre. Gimme some word puree.

Modre: Here, chiefly, in the aggrandizement of a huge and fearsome animal to deiform proportions, does Melville surpass all other poets of his century in the rejuvenation of myth.

Des: Deiform, Modre?

Modre: As usual, Des, your pitiful mind cannot begin to grasp the enormity of “deiform”, i.e. of godlike size and stature. The closest entity you have encountered of deiform stature is Mike Ditka whose 75^th birthday was yesterday.

Des: Prissy Minion, terminate this broadcast with extreme prejudice!

Prissy: With any great artist comes great criticism. While there are untold billions of counterexamples, Des, you are not among them.

Des: Thank you for joining us, Bears fans, on the only football website sponsored by a menopause drug: Brisdell. Yes, Brisdell - - fighting hot flashes one 900 foot tall purple curtain at a time. Change is in the air—which kind of makes menopause sound like Ebola!

Credits: the “Drunky McDumbAss” character was created by my cousin Jeff, whose overall awesomeness was also of deiform stature.

Bears vs. Lions: 12-30-2012

BEARS VS LIONS: 12-30-2012


Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions in a must-win game. Will the Bears defeat the Lions by repeating last week’s winning formula of a strong passing game to Brandon Marshall, an opportunistic defense, and good field position? Or will the call go forth for the one-two punch of Rex Ryan and a new mediocre quarterback miscast as the next big thing? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Orthographic Matrix” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and Internet hall monitor, Sally McChesty.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! In order for the Bears to skulk into the playoffs, 60 teams must lose this Sunday. Luckily, one of those teams is the Cubs. But, seriously, folks, as a drunken sea pirate, I’m accustomed to having my fate placed in the hands of forces beyond my control. Unfortunately, those forces turn out to be my personal demons, more often than not. So… what must the Bears do? Lovie Smith should delegate coaching the Bears game to his subordinates, and instead turn his focus to hexing the Vikings through his TV set in the Bears locker room, doing whatever rituals have been taught to us by Bud Light commercials, whether it be listening to Stevie Wonder, rubbing a rabbit’s foot, spinning the Bud Light label toward the TV, or experiencing horrible flashbacks of how the Packers beat the Bears two weeks ago and somehow reimagining the Bears jerseys as Vikings jerseys and muttering “Rex Grossman is our quarterback” while rocking back and forth in a fetal position.

Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s game?

CWP: Des, Brian Urlacher is still out with an injury, Calvin Johnson is 108 yards away from being the first player in history to reach 2,000 receiving yards in one season, and the Lions would love to be the team that knocks the Bears out of contention and Lovie Smith out of a job. That said, the Bears will still win 38-10. Unfortunately, the Vikings will also win: 23-21.

Des: Kind of a downer, Concord. Modre. What are your thoughts?

Modre: Nietzsche once said that, “It is impossible to suffer without making someone pay for it; every complaint already contains revenge.” If this is so, Jay Mariotti’s vengeance is to be more feared than even Dick Cheney’s.

Des: Sally McChesty. We asked you to cull the Internet for insights from the blogosphere. What do you have for us?

SMC: Here are some gems for you, Des:
“A few former Bears have done pretty well as coaches: Jim Harbaugh, Leslie Fraser, and even Sean Payton, if you count spare Bears. Why not Ron Rivera, or, hell, I’d take Mike Tomczak as head coach at this point.”
“Jay Cutler is the best quarterback the Bears have had in the color television era, sadly.”
“The Bears will beat Detroit, only to lose to the Packers the following week.”
“Given that the Bears started with a 7-1 record before ending up 9-6, what the Bears need most in 2013 is a strike-shortened season.”

Des: Thank you, Sally. Drunky McDumbAss. How are things in tailgate land?

DMD: Des, I’m in the awkward position of having to cheer for the Packers this week before having to cheer against them next week. Fortunately, I have my good friend alcohol to resolve this dilemma for me.

Des: Prissy Minion. Bring this in for a landing on an ice-coated runway, won’t you?

PM: Des, you’re the funniest non-Canadian sports commentator. Your comedy paints a picture using nothing but primary colors. Blue is a primary color, right?

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game brought to you by Blizzak Tires: If you can write your name in the snow, it’s time for winter tires.