Des: Welcome to another
edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears return home to Soldier
Field after an inconclusive two game tour of duty south of the Mason-Dixon Line.
Will the Bears take advantage of a lackluster Florida team to get back on track
and maybe secure a wild card berth? Or will Soldier Field prove to be a home
field disadvantage for the third home game (of three) this season?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of
experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Subtlety is Not My
Strong Suit” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Sally
McChesty, and special guest tailgater, Drunky McDumbAss.
Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Des,
your disloyalty toward the Bears both shames and disgusts me! Ye need to follow
my example of blindly following the Oakland Raiders and Tampa Bay Buccaneers, e’en
if their combined record this decade be 1 - ∞. They can still turn things
around!
Des: Captain, what I do is
the highest form of loyalty… I challenge the Bears to do better… with pitiless
mockery! Speaking of which, Captain, let’s take a moment to review your Death
Punch to Abject Failure, or what you, on our September 14th post, called
your “Treasure Map to the Super-Bowl.” Overall, your divisional picks were
terrible: the Saints are 2-3, the Jets are languishing with a 1-6 record…
Redbeard: I thought Rex Ryan’s
combination of empty threats and hollow guarantees of victory would finally
catch on this year!
Des: The Titans are
struggling with a 2-4 season…
Redbeard: Ye would think ‘twould
be impossible for one man, i.e. Jeff Fisher, to curse two teams at once, but in
my own efforts to lay an eternal curse on the Washington Football Club, I have
mostly afflicted the Buccaneers and Raiders, to my unending sorrow. But don’t
blame me for the Cubs. They’ve done that entirely on their own, for generation
after generation after generation after generation.
Des: …and the Bears and
Steelers are mediocre at best, with 3-3 records. Your only bright spots are the
49ers, Broncos, and, surprisingly, the Dallas Cowboys.
Sally: If I may interrupt,
Des…
Des: It’s Doctor Sally
McChesty, ladies and gentlemen, with this week’s injury report.
Sally: Peyton Manning continues
to be animated by dark sorcery and/or secret alien/human hybrid medical “treatments”
that eat up 90% of the Obamacare budget for this fiscal year. Did you know,
Des, that, like the military and the CIA, Obamacare has a secret black budget,
most of which is spent on keeping alive star quarterbacks, the Koch Brothers,
and Dick Cheney?
Des: Given that 112% of our
Gross Domestic Product is absorbed by football, it does not surprise me that
our medical care system would be part of that equation. Drunky McDumbAss.
Welcome back to Soldier Field.
Drunky: Des, I never left. I’ve
been playing Whack a Mole in the Soldier Field parking garage with Bears
security. I’m the mole.
Des-boy: Whut are yew talkin’
‘bout, McDumbAss? Yew don’t er-member the past two weeks in Standard City
Illinoise Jail when we were tryin’ tuh sneak outta Atlanta after a
methamphetamine fueled crime spree in which we used Coors Lite as a coolant fer
tuh keep our skull pans from overheatin’? Or was that actual Prestone we were
drinkin’? Talk about hydraulic frackin’! (Doubles over in a combination of
hillbilly laughter and alcoholism-induced convulsions)
Drunky: What, uhhh, what mix tape
were we listening to at the time?
Des: I’ll leave the two of
you alone to get reacquainted with your shared dark past. Modre. Gimme some
word puree.
Modre: Here, chiefly, in the
aggrandizement of a huge and fearsome animal to deiform proportions, does
Melville surpass all other poets of his century in the rejuvenation of myth.
Des: Deiform, Modre?
Modre: As usual, Des, your
pitiful mind cannot begin to grasp the enormity of “deiform”, i.e. of godlike
size and stature. The closest entity you have encountered of deiform stature is
Mike Ditka whose 75th birthday was yesterday.
Des: Prissy Minion, terminate
this broadcast with extreme prejudice!
Prissy: With any great artist
comes great criticism. While there are untold billions of counterexamples, Des,
you are not among them.
Des: Thank you for joining us,
Bears fans, on the only football website sponsored by a menopause drug:
Brisdell. Yes, Brisdell - - fighting hot flashes one 900 foot tall purple
curtain at a time. Change is in the air—which kind of makes menopause sound
like Ebola!
Credits: the “Drunky McDumbAss” character was created by my
cousin Jeff, whose overall awesomeness was also of deiform stature.
