Bears vs. Saints: 12-15-2014

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears play the New Orleans Saints in another game that is inexplicably nationally televised after receiving a savage beating from the Dallas Cowboys on Thursday Night Football! Laughably, this game has playoff implications for one of these 5-8 teams. Will the Bears get to play the role of spoiler, thrusting the Saints in the same death spiral with the 49ers? Or will the Saints earn the “honor” of getting destroyed by a vastly superior wild card team in the playoffs?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Aqua-fresh” Redbeard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae MacGillicutty, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHH, mateys! Santa comes not-early-enough for the Chicago Bears as the cast of this worthless pre-game “show” offer undeserved gifts to our struggling Monsters of the Midway. As for me, the cruelest gift I could give the Bears is that they win the last three games, finishing the season with an 8-8 record, destroying any chances of getting a good player from the draft. It’s a “Gift of the Magi” in the sense that it’s a complete waste of money and effort.

Des: Doctor McChesty, what gift do you have for the Bears?

Sally: The same gift I have for every NFL team, Des. Complete contempt for a violent, pointless sport that has longer pauses for discussing arcane procedural rules than 50 Senate filibusters.

Des: Ellie Mae, what do you plan to put under the Halas Hall tree?

Ellie Mae: While pig nuts are the inside joke that keeps on giving, the best gift I could give the Bears is to move them to the NFC South, where they could win the division with a 6-10 record.

Des: Concord, what do you have for the Bears?

Concord: A statistical analysis indicating that, on paper, the Bears should have won every game this season and won the Super Bowl by 40 points. Oddly, when I coached the Bears as my fantasy football team, they had a 9-4 record. Of course, that was after I traded Mel Tucker for a grilled cheese sandwich.

Des: Modre?

Modre: My gift to the Bears is a colorless, odorless substance that doesn’t leave a trace in the bloodstream of Aaron Rogers.

Des: Drunky McDumbAss. What did you provide as a stocking stuffer?

Drunky: Need you ask, Des? Empty whiskey bottles from every tailgate party this doomed season.

Des: Prissy Minion?

Prissy: Des, if you played an endless loop of every Bears pre-game show since 2002 in the Soldier Field locker room and on the sideline, you would provide a powerful incentive for the offense to score first downs just to stay on the field. Or maybe that wall of sound would burrow into Mel Tucker’s brain, adding that much needed “savant” component to “idiot savant.”

Des:  Prissy, are you only referring to my pre-game show, or every pre-game show from the past 12 years played simultaneously, forming a mélange of redundancy that’s almost like a round of “Row, Row, Row Your Boat” if it were sung by the Borg?

Prissy: Option B.

Sally: Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a game that will fail to turn viewers away from “Year Without a Santa Claus”…. which is on right now! End transmission!

Bears vs. Giants: 10-10-2013

BEARS VS. GIANTS: 10-10-13


Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the New York Giants after two consecutive losses in a game featuring the NFL’s two biggest television markets. Will the Bears take advantage of this opportunity to soundly defeat one of the NFL’s worst teams? Or will this match prove to be the opening salvo of a chain of 11 successive wins for the Giants, leading to what future sports historians will call “the Manning Bowl”?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Joseph Steel” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and Doctor Sally Djugashvili McChesty.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Normally, I’d be wasting everybody’s time by giving ye worthless gambling tips on various upcoming football games, but if ye really want to make a killing, I’d start trading in your US Treasury bills for Confederate War Bonds. A week from today, they’ll be worth a lot more.

A special tip to Captain Redbeard’s Secret Society of Drunken Piracy: the preceding rant was a hidden prediction that Obama will assume dictatorial powers under the obscure provision of the 14th amendment that compels the US government to honor its debt. Not e’en the darkest ramblings of Glenn Beck will see this one coming! If I be wrong about this, I have a Plan B: I have already offered me services as a privateer to America’s four biggest creditors to start seizing its assets with the standard techniques of plunder and booty! These creditors be China, Japan, the United Kingdom, and the Social Security Trust Fund.

Des: Of the various predictions you make, Captain, I hate your political ones the most. Modre. Since I presume that you will be our new mandarin next Thursday, what advice do you have for us from our new overlords, the Chinese?

Modre: The moving walkway is now ending. Please look down. The moving walkway is now ending. Please look down. The moving walkway is now ending. Please look down.

Des: Thank you, Modre. Concord Peabody. Would you please, please, please distract us with some irrelevant football statistics?

CWP: That would be my pleasure, Des. The Bears played one solid quarter of football against the Saints, scoring 8 points 4th quarter. I predict the Bears will improve to having two good quarters of football, defeating the Giants 16-6.

Des: So, Doctor McChesty, what do you have for us?

SMC: Des, I no longer have time to contribute to your pathetic blog. I’ve been chosen to serve as the Deputy Director of Death Panels for the Great Lakes region. I’d stop having that twelve martini lunch if I were you.

Des: So. Three of our cast members serve as the collective second hand of America’s death clock. Where do you fit into this tapestry, Prissy?

PM: Des, “creative destruction” has always been your mantra.

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that may tear viewers away from Grey’s Anatomy, which...uh... is that show still on the air?!?

Bears vs. Saints: 10-6-2013

BEARS VS. SAINTS: 10-6-13


Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the New Orleans Saints after a tough loss against the Detroit Lions. Will the Bears pick themselves up and resume their winning ways? Or has Jay Cutler already grown immune to Dr. Marc Trestman’s competence serum?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Aqua Satan” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and Doctor Sally Quincy McChesty.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Let’s take a peek at how me Treasure Map to the Superbowl is guiding ye, the trusting landlubber gambler, to untold wealth and riches that make e’en the shining citadels of Richie Rich’s playhouses 179 through 562 pale in comparison. Me Superbowl picks continue to rock the free world, with the Colts leading their division with a 3-1 record and the Seahawks be undefeated. Me AFC wild card picks, the Broncos and Patriots, have also emerged undefeated so far. The Dolphins are respectable so far with a 3-1 record, and the Bengals and Chargers still have a chance with 2-2 records. The NFC continues to befuddle me: The Bears, my first wild card pick have a respectable showing with 3-1, but the Falcons have a 1-3 record, and my remaining three divisional picks are terrible: the Giants are 0-4, the Vikings are 1-3, and the Panthers are 1-2. Father Poseidon, why have you forsaken me?!?!?

Des: Presumably, it’s because of your multitude of crimes against humanity, both on and off the water. By the way, Captain, kudos for your curse against the Redskins that didn’t even last one week. Modre. What fortune cookie advice do you have for us this week?

Modre: The quickest way to fall is to stand still. Of course, Jay Cutler is a very mobile quarterback, and that’s not helping him out either.

Des: Thank you, Modre. So, Doctor McChesty, what do you have for us?

SMC: Des, when will they leave Josh Freeman alone?

Des: This is the most football-focused post we’ve had in a while. Prissy Minion, take us off track, won’t you?

PM: Des, your stadium sized comedy insights and menacing undertones never fail to lighten my mood.

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game against a city that narrowly avoided being destroyed again by another “K” hurricane--- and, no, those aren’t comedy “k” sounds you’re hearing.

Bears vs. Saints: 9-18-2011

BEARS VS. SAINTS: 9-18-11

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the New Orleans Saints after a convincing drubbing of the Atlanta Falcons. Will the Bears capitalize on this early win to begin the march to the Superbowl left unfinished in 2010? Or will the loss of Brian Urlacher rip the heart out of the Bears, much like the loss of Richie Cunningham tore out the soul of Happy Days?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Bar Sinister” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and feminist icon Wonder Woman.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! If it’s limitless booty ye seek, look nae further than Captain Redbeard’s patented Treasure Map to the Superbowl! ‘Tis an ironclad guarantee of gambling-based wealth. Ye’d think that, as a sailor, I’d know a thing or two about ironclads, yet, ironically, I always found that part of Civil War history to be the most boring. The only thing I like about Civil War naval history is the “Anaconda strategy” because I have no idea what that’s talking about, but coastal cities always give in to my demands when I threaten them with my Anaconda.

Anyway, where was I? Oh, yes… the Treasure Map to the Superbowl! In the AFC, I foresee the Patriots, Ravens, Jaguars, and the Chargers hoisting divisional banners, while the Bengals, and Broncos sneak in as wild cards. In the NFC, I envision the Giants, Bears, Saints, and the Rams standing proud atop the shipwrecked hopes of their divisional rivals, while the Panthers, and Cardinals suffer the endless shame of entering the playoffs as a wild card.

Des: Captain, didn’t the Packers win the Superbowl as a wild card?

SR: And they will live with that shame forever. Prepare yourselves for this shocker: I predict a repeat of Superbowl XX: Bears defeat Patriots, although I predict the victory coming down to a single field goal.

Des: Captain, when I looked over your divisional picks from last year, I couldn’t help but notice that, while you were correct in picking the Eagles, Bears, and Falcons to win their divisions, you were totally wrong about the AFC, and you picked the Jets to beat the Eagles in last year’s Superbowl instead of the Packers beating the Steelers. The only “ironclad” guarantee I’m seeing here is a gambling debt bigger than that proposed by Obama’s new stimulus package.

SR: ARRRH, Des, ye might want to consider givin’ up your day job writing jokes for Fox News.

Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

CWS: Well, the Saints statistically have had a speed advantage at home games, their defense wants to avenge their poor showing against Green Bay last week, and the Saints as a whole seem to have some personal issues against Jay Cutler. That said, the Bears will still win 42 to 7.

Des: Modre. What advice do you have for the Bears this week?

Modre: Albert Einstein once said, “Technological progress is like an axe in the hands of a pathological criminal.” No better example of this exists than replay review.

Des: Wonder Woman. What’s your take on today’s game?

WW: It’s so typical for football fans to consider me a “feminist icon”. What next, foxy boxers, mud wresters, and Courtney Love?

Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?

PM: Oh, Des. You exert an unparalleled influence over sports commentary that exists to this day… almost as much as Terry Bradshaw.

Des: Ouch. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will hopefully not result in an Obama-esque squandering of all their considerable advantages.

Bears vs. Saints: 12-11-08

BEARS VS. SAINTS: 12-11-08

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Saints on a Thursday, a day not ordained by either God or Des as suitable for football. Can the Bears compete against the likes of Ugly Betty or CSI? Or will Thursday Night Football be yet another NFL fumble, like throwback uniforms and coaches’ challenges?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Irish Spring” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a Yuletide perspective, Burgermeister Meisterburger.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! While today’s modern pirates may prefer their fancy speedboats and rocket launchers while stalking their prey, there be nothing more satisfying than a good old fashioned keel-haulin’, using nothing but the wind-filled sails, yer nautical wits, and rum-fueled rage. In a similar fashion, the Bears can only defeat the Saints with some good old-fashioned smash-mouth defense, not this fancy-pants “Wildcat offense”, whatever that be.

Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?

CP: Well, the Bears are 17-4 against teams in cities abandoned by God and man. This includes New Orleans, Green Bay, St. Louis, and Detroit.

Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?

Modre: As Sun Tzu once said, “supreme excellence consists in breaking the enemy's resistance without fighting.” Unfortunately, that’s not very compelling football.

Des: Burgermeister Meisterbrau. Break our Christmas spirit, won’t you?

BM: I hate toys! And toys hate me! Either they are going or I am going and I definitely am not going!

Des: Okay, then. Prissy Minion. What now?

PM: Oh, Des. When I hear you speak, it’s not so much the words I listen to as the gentle spirit behind it.

Des: Sit back and watch with your “Mike Ditka for Governor” T-shirt as the Bears face off in a battle that will make you forget that Thursday is “The Office” night. Uh, forget I said anything.