Bears vs. Jaguars: 10-16-2016

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. This pre-game show is being written as the Captain Redbeard Bears Tailgate Extravamaganza begins episode 2 of its ongoing series of watching the Cubs post-season play while occasionally commenting on the Bears. We will be observing innings 5 and 6 of NLCS game 1 against the Los Angeles Dodgers. Where are we watching this, everybody? The Ground Round? Wag’s? Do those places even exist anymore?

So…the Bears face off against the Jacksonville Jaguars after a forgettable loss against the Indianapolis Colts. Will the Bears be able to recapture a television audience once the Cubs complete their quest for a World Series championship? Or will there be yet another opening for yet another comic book based TV series on Netflix?

Sally: Enrique Hernandez lines out sharply to shortstop Addison Russell.

Des: To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Ungalunga” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae MacGillicutty, Drunky McDumbAss, and football’s answer to Charlie Brown, Coach Marc Trestman.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Deep within this ancient mariner’s heart lies the hope that all the celebrities attending tonight’s Cubs game will sing a 10 minute long version of “We Are the World” during the 7^th inning stretch. ‘Twould truly be a most memorable sea chanty.

Sally: Joc Peterson bunt grounds out to third baseman Kris Bryant to first baseman Anthony Rizzo. Pinch-hitter Andre Ethier replaces Kenta Maeda.

Modre: When ancient curses die upon the lathe of the Coke bottle Malcolm X glasses of tomorrow’s retro style councils, who will remain to taste the remaining ash can Budweiser of a thousand Harry Caray statues clapping and singing a tune that can never die?

Sally: I don’t know. Drunky McDumbAss? Andre Ethier homers on a fly ball to left center field.

Drunky: Having been banned for life from all of Wrigleyville, I’m watching tonight’s deep within a Trump rally in New Hampshire.

Sally: Again with the Trump reference. Howie Kendrick grounds out to shortstop Addison Russell to first baseman Anthony Russell, which ends the top of the fifth inning.

Concord: Nate Silver gives Clinton an 85.5% chance of winning this election, up 4% from last week. There may still be 4 or 5 people left in America who Trump hasn’t personally insulted or sued yet. Go Trump!

Sally: The bottom of the fifth inning begins with a pitching change. Pedro Baez replaces Kenta Maeda, batting 9^th, replacing Andre Ethier

Prissy Minion: Kenda? As in Joe Kenda, of Homicide Hunter fame? His rich baritone reminds me of your singing voice, Des. Or Leonard Nimoy’s.

Sally: Kris Bryant walks.

Ellie Mae: I support Trump because he will pardon the cast of Duck Dynasty for crimes they are likely to commit in the future.

Sally: Anthony Rizzo strikes out swinging.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Forget what I said about Chicago celebrities performing We Are the World. For my Chum Bucket list, I would like to see Chicago’s Finest sing a medley of all the classic sea-chanties: Donovan’s Atlantis, Grand Funk Railroad’s I’m Your Captain, Adam Ant’s Jolly Roger…

Sally: Wait. Wouldn’t a Chum Bucket List be a list of things you would want to avoid in life at all costs? We should perhaps explore this concept in our New Year’s Eve episode. Ben Zobrist pops out to third baseman Justin Turner.

Trestman: Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho! The Toronto Blue Jays will be Canada’s revenge against American baseball. Also, we have already sealed our border to prevent the escape of Trump-related refugees. I leave it to you, the audience, to determine what I am darkly referring to.

Sally: Addison Russell strikes out, which retires the side.

Sally: And we begin the sixth inning.

Ellie Mae: Hillary Clinton had John Lennon killed so she could have Yoko all to herself.

Sally: That was delightfully random. Justin Turner flies out to right fielder Jason Heyward.

Redbeard: ARRRRRRRRHHHHHHH! I have expanded my list of demands to the 7^th inning stretch singers to include the Gilligan’s Island and Love Boat themes.

Sally: Yasiel Puig grounds out to first baseman Anthony Rizzo to pitcher John Lester. And that retires the side! Cubs still up 3-1.

Sally: And we are back at the bottom of the sixth. After hearing Just the Two of Us and If You Want to Sing Out, Sing Out being used in commercials, are there any good songs that haven’t been strip mined by Madison Avenue?

Modre: It’s Halloween, by the Shaggs? Oh, wait. I think I heard that on an M & M’s commercial.

Sally: Jason Heyward flies out to left fielder Howie Kendrick.

Sally: Javier Baez doubles on a line drive to right fielder Yasiel Puig.

Drunky: Shouldn’t the horrible Buster Posey commercials end when his team is knocked out of the playoffs?

Sally: David Ross strikes out swinging. Pinch-hitter Jorge Soler replaces Jon Lester.

Prissy Minion: I thoroughly enjoy the complete lack of connection between the events of the Cubs game and the random comments of our sports panel. Truly, Des, this is the Scarborough Fair/Canticle of comedy, in that it’s an unintentional critique of the Vietnam War.

Sally: Soler grounds out, which ends the 6^th inning, and also concludes our appearance on the Bears pre-game show. End transmission.

Bears vs. Lions: 10-1-2016

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions after a tough loss against Dallas in which the offense really turned on the heat… after it no longer mattered. With the Bears season once again over before it truly began, the only real question is, Will Kyle Hendricks’ pitching, and the hitting prowess of Kris Bryant and Anthony Rizzo finally bring the Cubs World Series glory? Or will the inconsistent pitching of Hector Rondon and Pedro Strop give some idiot Cubs fan the opportunity to steal another title from Chicago?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Gyruss” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae MacGillicutty, Drunky McDumbAss, and the biggest curse to afflict Chicago sports, excepting 108 years of Cubs history, former coach Marc Trestman.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! This be Week 4 of the NFL season, which can only mean that it be time for Captain Redbeard’s Chum Bucket of the NFL, the team that will fail to win a single game this season. There be four teams competing for this dubious honor, the New Orleans Saints, the Cleveland Browns, the Jacksonville Jaguars, and, for the second consecutive year, the Chicago Football Bears. ‘Twill be the Cleveland Browns that will go winless this year, as the Cavaliers drained all the winning magic from this doomed metropolis for the next millennia.

Sally: At least you didn’t pick on the Bears this year, Captain. They exceeded your expectations by going 6-10, which is six more games than you expected.

Redbeard: Aye, me beauteous maiden, but they’ve already lost to three bad teams. Luckily, there be 7 more terrible teams to go.

Sally: Coach Trestman. Where do the Bears go from here?

Trestman: Bon matin, mes amis! I have completed mon petit dejeuner avec le fruit cup. Your Jean Fox must become more like the Reynard trickster fox of French legend, the peasant-hero character who outsmarts the aristocracy and the clergy, although, given that Renard symbolizes the triumph of cunning over brute strength, it is perhaps not the best metaphor to be applied to le football American, n’est-ce-pas?

Sally: Lunging from a mockery of pseudo-intellectuals to its polar opposite, would you welcome—Ellie Mae McGillicutty.

Ellie: Excuse me while I chomp on a concoction of chewin’ tobaccy, Big League Chew, and an assortment of Fiddle Faddle and mystery giblets. Know what would go good with this?

Sally: A third-grade education?

Ellie: An endless loop of the one time Donald Trump burned Hillary Clinton in the first debate when he nailed her on NAFTA, or NASCAR, or whatever.

Sally: Prissy Minion. Provide us with inexplicable Des Pride.

Prissy Minion: Des’s football musings place him among the great prophets throughout history in that they are deliberate misinterpreted to suit the needs of our political and religious leaders.

Des: That is indeed a high standard to live up to. Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears battle the Lions for possession of the most disappointing legacy for their starting quarterback.

Bears vs. Cowboys: 9-24-2016

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Cowboys after a difficult loss to the surprisingly ascendant Philadelphia Eagles. Just like last year, and most likely the year before that, and the year before that, and the year before that… stretching back into countless infinity, the Bears enter Week 3 with their backup quarterback at the helm. Will the Bears defense take advantage of a rookie quarterback to give a badly depleted offense a short field? Or will tonight’s Bears game prove to be less compelling than a Bob Rohrman commercial during the Cubs game, which is also a Sunday Night game?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Mr. Do!” Red-beard, Modre, the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae McGillicutty, former Bears Coach Marc Trestman, and the terrifying night sweats of Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! What be your fixation with 1980s arcade games, Des? Ye lack the hand-eye coordination to successfully navigate “Pong”, let alone more challenging consoles, like “Tempest” or “Bowling.” ‘Tis naught but an unsuccessful attempt to distract me from the plight of the Bears or Trump. Des, ye’ve repeatedly said to no one in particular, that, if only the Democrats or Republicans had picked someone besides Clinton or Trump, that person would be running away with the election by now. Well, I have news for ye, Des: each party could have randomly chosen anyone and the score would still be 46 to 44, in the same way that the Bears could throw anyone in at quarterback, and that poor, miserable, parrot-loving blowfish would find himself with a career ending injury in the opening drive.

Des: Thank you, Captain. Before I punt the ball over to Sally LeChesty to take over as master of ceremonies, let’s check in with the Prissy Minion.

Prissy Minion: Oh, Des. Your pre-game episodes are a tragicomic relic of the pre-Trump era. Oops, I may have spoken too soon about things that are in your future, but which, to me, are in the distant past. 30 years from now, you’re going to start too many sentences with, “You have to understand, things were very different in the 2010s…”

Des: Are you the 12^th Prissy Minion? My favorite 21^st century Prissy is David Tennant, but the best 20^th century Minion was Charles Nelson Reilly. Sally, it’s First and Ten for you.

Sally: Des, that’s the clumsiest football handoff since… every Bears game in recent memory. Let's go live now to the man who is most responsible for burning terrible play calling into our collective memory cells, former Bears Coach Marc Trestman.

Trestman: Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho! Bonsoir, mon amis. And I can say that legiti-ment, for this is a game that takes place under the shroud of darkness, la nuit dimanche, if you will. After much consultation with your site-meter, it has not escape mon gaze piteous that you now have 8 reads this past week that originate from France, as opposed to 16 from les Etats-Unis, and two from Russia, for les raisons inconnues. Apparently, the quickest way to grow an international audience is through les racisme stereotypique. Insert obvious Trump reference. Why, I wonder, does not the Modre work similar magic?

Sally: Thank you, Coach. Would you welcome a stereotype that both repudiates and validates Trump: Ellie Mae McGillicutty.

Ellie: Clinton and Trump are inviting their opponent’s worst enemies to appear in the front row of Monday’s debate. That sounds like a typical McGillicutty divorce proceeding. Or wedding.

Sally: Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off against the Dallas Cowboys in a game that will not draw viewers from the Cubs seventh inning stretch performance, featuring the Wrigley Field Grounds Crew, and/or Jim Belushi’s 90^th appearance.

Bears vs. Eagles: 9-19-2016

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Philadelphia Eagles, another underperforming team with many, many problems. Will the Bears take this opportunity to slowly build their way to a 6-10 season? Or will Jay Cutler force the Bears to trade every draft pick until 2084 for the slim chance of getting Jimmy Garoppolo?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Robotron” Redbeard, Modre, the trans-Western Guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae McGillicutty, Drunky McDumbAss, and the extremely convenient scapegoat for everything bad that has happened to the Bears, past, present, and future, Marc Trestman.

Redbeard: ARRRRRRRRRRRRRH, mateys! If this be the second week of the Bears season, then it be time for Captain Redbeard’s Treasure Map to the Super Bowl! After slaying famed Sumerian aqua deity Tiamat, and making her ribs the vault of heaven and earth, I stole the Tablet of Destinies, of which it is said that he who holds the tablet, rules the universe. Sure, I could use the tablet to wield the power of the gods, but I choose to merely use it to predict the winners of divisional titles in the NFL.

Sally: Captain, that’s no Tablet of Destinies. That’s not even some terrible Android tablet that they sold at a K-Mart that went out of business six months ago. (But some misguided hipsters keep showing up there, thinking it’s some sort of kitschy retro dance club.) That’s just some random wood block that has a sketch of what appears to be Winnie the Pooh.

Redbeard: It brings me comfort. But, uh… ARRRRHHHHHHHH! Here be the Treasure Map to the Super Bowl: In the AFC, I foresee the Patriots, Steelers, Colts, and Chiefs grinding their opponents to dust beneath their cleated foot, with the Jets and Bengals emerging as the wild cards. As for the NFC, it could only be the Eagles, Packers, Falcons, and Seahawks who will lay waste to their divisional rivals, while the Panthers and Cardinals will do their best to catch up with wild card placements. How will this all end, you ask? With Donald Trump helming the Super Bowl halftime show featuring the Green Bay Packers as they defeat the New England in a game watched by no one.

Sally: A dystopian vision of things to come, as always, Captain. I think this is the 90th year you have chosen the New England Patriots to go to the Super Bowl. Do you have some sort of man-crush on the Patriots?

Redbeard: How dare ye?!? Nay, I just have a special affinity for the pitiless managerial style of Bill Belichick. Ye know he has some terrible hatred against all mankind that will never be quenched no matter how many Super Bowl rings he may collect.

Sally: Last year’s predictions weren’t too bad, Captain. Six of your twelve picks did make it to the playoffs. You did best with the AFC: Four out of six saw post-season action, but I would be deeply worried if I were one of your NFC picks. Last year, three of your four choices to win divisional championships ended their seasons with a 7-9 record.

Redbeard: Ye should be worried if you’re any NFC team that’s not named “Packers” or “Panthers.”

Sally: Coach Trestman, what lessons can be drawn from your disastrous tenure as the coach of the Chicago Bears?

Trestman: None that any coaching staff wishes to learn, mes petits chous! If we have learned anything from les quantum physiques, it is that you repeat your failures until they become successes. My keys to defeat could be John Fox’s soufflé of victory: hollow out the defense, play an excessively conservative offense, and randomly rearrange your players’ lockers for team-building purposes. The locker room reshuffling was my greatest achievement. And, non, do not succumb to the urge to make a “deck chairs on the Titanic” reference.

Sally: What accent is that? Pepe LePew? Concord Peabody. Put things in a statistical context.

Concord: The only “statistical context” I’m thinking about is how much gambling debt I’ll be in if Donald Trump wins the election. How could Clinton go from having a 90% chance of winning to 57%? Curse you, Nate Silver!

Ellie: Howdy, there, pig-nut lovers! I’m just letting the old pickup truck cool down, doing some heat transfer from the hood to the still that’s boiling up some good old fashioned mash potato-corn-Monsanto whiskey blindness fuel we’re gonna test out on the water supply of a Hillary Clinton political rally.

Sally: So… what are your thoughts about today’s Bears/Eagles game?

Ellie: When Trump is president, there will be no SAP button on the squawk box during the football game.

Modre: One must not forget that Tiamat gave birth to the eleven monsters of Babylonian legend: Venomous Snake, Great Dragon, Exalted Serpent, Furious Snake, the Hairy One, Big Weather Beast, Mad Lion, Scorpion Man, Violent Storms, Fish-Man, and Bull Man… or as I will someday refer to them: the greatest Japanese anime ever!

Sally: Let’s turn now to our own Scorpion-Bowl Man: Drunky McDumbass.

Drunky: Whoa.

Sally: Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a Monday Night Football game that will determine whether the Eagles win the NFC East division with a 7-9 record or a 6-10 record.

Bears vs. Texans: 9-11-2016

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Texans, for some reason. Will the Bears pull off a stunning upset against the champion of the AFC South (with a 9-7 record), or will a weak offensive line, a rebuilding defense, and less-than-special team put the Bears in position to face a Trump-esque defeat?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Mister Jaws” Red-beard, Modre, the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae McGillicutty, former Bears Coach Marc Trestman, and the bed spinning insights of Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Normally, I’d be citing the prophetic revelations of obscure deities lost in the mists of history to determine how the Bears will do this season, but there be no need in the 2016 season, for the mandarins who govern the NFL have decreed that the Bears shall have an easier schedule than a college freshman whose drunken stumblings have mathematically eliminated him from pursuing a degree in late September. Indeed, the Bears only play against 4 teams who earned a winning record last year, and two of those teams are in the NFC North, so the Monsters of the Midway have no choice but to play those teams. But I digress.  

The Bears will go 10-6 this year, defeating the Texans, Eagles, Cowboys, Jaguars, Buccaneers, Giants, Titans, 49ers, and split the Lions. They will also defeat the Washington team whose owner has probably endorsed Trump by now. Unfortunately, the Bears will experience difficulty against the Colts, Packers and Vikings. Still, the 10-6 record will give Chicago fans false hope until they face a slightly more competent opposition next year, not unlike what the Democrats will experience the next two years.

Sally: That’s some really subtle political commentary, Captain.

Redbeard: Thank ye for opening the door wide enough for me to shoot a cannon through, matey! Before discussing Trump, let me get Godwin’s Law out of the way: Hitler! Hitler! Hitler! Now that I’ve dispensed with that, allow me to express me admiration for future President Trump’s managerial style: As a fellow aspiring symbol for evil incarnate, I can’t help but respect Trump’s open embrace of political darkness with his choices for campaign advisers: Roger Ailes, Steve Bannon, and David Bossie. ‘Twould be as though Lex Luthor ran for president and openly put Sinestro, Gorilla Grod, and Brainiac as his campaign advisors! I’ve tried to create me own League of Bearded Evil without success, featuring meself, Blackbeard, and, uh, probably… Bluebeard? Although now that I think about it, Des, ye’ve got a pretty good panel of evil going on yerself with this blog.

Sally: Is gross incompetence a form of evil? If so, would you welcome, for the first time: former Bears coach Marc Trestman!

Trestman: Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho! Les bons kudos, mon ami Desmond for taking the comedic gesture of—uh, instead of taking the easy way out and hiring a person who is, uh, how you say “successful” as a Bears performer—uh, player, is the word—un jouer, if you will, like your Mike Ditkas, or your, how you say, Thomas Waddle, or Brian Urlachers, your legends of Bears Football. You have turned instead to one of your greatest failures of the Chicago football Bears, by which I mean myself, Monsieur Marc Trestman, former Chicago Bears coach—leader—the helmsmen, if you will, of the Bears through their worst, darkest period. 

Sally: Coach, why do you suddenly have a French accent? You never had one when you were the coach of the Bears.

Trestman: Why do I suddenly have the accent francais? Is that the question that is troubling you? It is because I was once the coach of the Montreal Allouettes before coming to befoul your Chicago football Bears. That is the weak buttress, the weak conceit if you will, that is buttressing this comedy, which is not—it is not, how you say, “analogous”, if you will, to the buttress of the Notre Dame Cathedral which your pathetic Trump Towers are but not but an echo. Monsieur Le Trump, you should know that quantity does not overtake the quality. But I digress. And now that I have concluded the main focus of my visit, which is to introduce my character to you, the reader/listener, let us now turn to what I do not wish to forget: my analysis of Chicago Bears recent struggles, which is also important, and soon to be enchanting, will come now.

I am sure is your unspoken question: How is the Jay Cutlair cette dimanche? He is one who cannot be coached, who lacks the je ne sais quoi that your most elementary Pere Warner American footballer receives along with your eye make-up and the mouth guard. It is true I had a hand in his ruination when I told him to throw the ball 20 yards when I meant 20 meters. The metric conversions were always a sore spot. It is true that when I was consumed with the anger and frustration that I would become a spewing volcano of angry French profanity. But when I would communicate with the flash cards, the results would be no different.

Sally: Thank you, Coach.

Trestman: I would hold up the two flash cards. One with the Bears receiver and a smiley face underneath it and one with an opposing defender on it with a circle-slash mark through it like a Mille Bornes card, but nothing would work. I could not break through the cultural impasse.

Sally: Let’s turn now to another commentator with unique speech patterns: Concord Peabody.

Concord: The Bears have the most wins in season opening games, the most of any NFL team. Granted, the Bears and Packers were the only two NFL teams in existence from 1840 to 1960, but that’s still a proud tradition to build on!

Concord: But let’s turn to the present: With no ground game to speak of, Jay Cutler will rely solely on an air attack this Sunday. A one-dimensional offensive strategy never fails—in football, on the battlefield, in the corporate world…

Sally: …and in comedy. Drunky McDumbAss! How’s it going in tailgate land?

Drunky: Hillary Clinton was specifically talking to me when she mentioned a “basket of deplorables”, which is what I usually buy at the liquor store.

Sally: And I thought “basket of deplorables” referred to the Bears offense. Ellie Mae McGillicutty. Your, uh, “thoughts.”

Ellie: Hillary Clinton called us Trump fans a “basket of deplorables”, which sounds like some weird compliment the Prissy Minion would give to Des.

Prissy Minion: Thank you.

Ellie: The insult was meaningless. It was like water rolling off a duck’s back, if by “water” you mean “Jack Daniels”, and by “duck” you mean “the numerous chickens I stole from the neighbor’s farm”. No, us Trumpinators get insulted every day—on social media, at work, whenever we watch anything on TV that’s not Fox News, by the one college graduate who hasn’t left town yet…

Sally: Isn’t a “basket of deplorables” how Dr. Seuss described the Grinch?

Ellie: Exactly. It’s the Jon Stewart version of Lindsay Graham, “I declare, you, suh, are a cad, a rouge, and just a—just a—basket of deplorables! Good day, suh!”

Sally: Prissy Minion. It’s finally your turn.

Prissy: Oh, Des, who is strangely absent for most of this episode. You’re a basket of deplorables I would hunt for every Easter Sunday.

Sally: Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off against the Houston Texans, a team they have never beaten. But I thought the Generals were due!

Bears vs. Texans: 9-11-2016

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Texans, for some reason. Will the Bears pull off a stunning upset against the champion of the AFC South (with a 9-7 record), or will a weak offensive line, a rebuilding defense, and less-than-special team put the Bears in position to face a Trump-esque defeat?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Mister Jaws” Red-beard, Modre, the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae McGillicutty, former Bears Coach Marc Trestman, and the bed spinning insights of Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Normally, I’d be citing the prophetic revelations of obscure deities lost in the mists of history to determine how the Bears will do this season, but there be no need in the 2016 season, for the mandarins who govern the NFL have decreed that the Bears shall have an easier schedule than a college freshman whose drunken stumblings have mathematically eliminated him from pursuing a degree in late September. Indeed, the Bears only play against 4 teams who earned a winning record last year, and two of those teams are in the NFC North, so the Monsters of the Midway have no choice but to play those teams. But I digress.  

The Bears will go 10-6 this year, defeating the Texans, Eagles, Cowboys, Jaguars, Buccaneers, Giants, Titans, 49ers, and split the Lions. They will also defeat the Washington team whose owner has probably endorsed Trump by now. Unfortunately, the Bears will experience difficulty against the Colts, Packers and Vikings. Still, the 10-6 record will give Chicago fans false hope until they face a slightly more competent opposition next year, not unlike what the Democrats will experience the next two years.

Sally: That’s some really subtle political commentary, Captain.

Redbeard: Thank ye for opening the door wide enough for me to shoot a cannon through, matey! Before discussing Trump, let me get Godwin’s Law out of the way: Hitler! Hitler! Hitler! Now that I’ve dispensed with that, allow me to express me admiration for future President Trump’s managerial style: As a fellow aspiring symbol for evil incarnate, I can’t help but respect Trump’s open embrace of political darkness with his choices for campaign advisers: Roger Ailes, Steve Bannon, and David Bossie. ‘Twould be as though Lex Luthor ran for president and openly put Sinestro, Gorilla Grod, and Brainiac as his campaign advisors! I’ve tried to create me own League of Bearded Evil without success, featuring meself, Blackbeard, and, uh, probably… Bluebeard? Although now that I think about it, Des, ye’ve got a pretty good panel of evil going on yerself with this blog.

Sally: Is gross incompetence a form of evil? If so, would you welcome, for the first time: former Bears coach Marc Trestman!

Trestman: Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho! Les bons kudos, mon ami Desmond for taking the comedic gesture of—uh, instead of taking the easy way out and hiring a person who is, uh, how you say “successful” as a Bears performer—uh, player, is the word—un jouer, if you will, like your Mike Ditkas, or your, how you say, Thomas Waddle, or Brian Urlachers, your legends of Bears Football. You have turned instead to one of your greatest failures of the Chicago football Bears, by which I mean myself, Monsieur Marc Trestman, former Chicago Bears coach—leader—the helmsmen, if you will, of the Bears through their worst, darkest period. 

Sally: Coach, why do you suddenly have a French accent? You never had one when you were the coach of the Bears.

Trestman: Why do I suddenly have the accent francais? Is that the question that is troubling you? It is because I was once the coach of the Montreal Allouettes before coming to befoul your Chicago football Bears. That is the weak buttress, the weak conceit if you will, that is buttressing this comedy, which is not—it is not, how you say, “analogous”, if you will, to the buttress of the Notre Dame Cathedral which your pathetic Trump Towers are but not but an echo. Monsieur Le Trump, you should know that quantity does not overtake the quality. But I digress. And now that I have concluded the main focus of my visit, which is to introduce my character to you, the reader/listener, let us now turn to what I do not wish to forget: my analysis of Chicago Bears recent struggles, which is also important, and soon to be enchanting, will come now.

I am sure is your unspoken question: How is the Jay Cutlair cette dimanche? He is one who cannot be coached, who lacks the je ne sais quoi that your most elementary Pere Warner American footballer receives along with your eye make-up and the mouth guard. It is true I had a hand in his ruination when I told him to throw the ball 20 yards when I meant 20 meters. The metric conversions were always a sore spot. It is true that when I was consumed with the anger and frustration that I would become a spewing volcano of angry French profanity. But when I would communicate with the flash cards, the results would be no different.

Sally: Thank you, Coach.

Trestman: I would hold up the two flash cards. One with the Bears receiver and a smiley face underneath it and one with an opposing defender on it with a circle-slash mark through it like a Mille Bornes card, but nothing would work. I could not break through the cultural impasse.

Sally: Let’s turn now to another commentator with unique speech patterns: Concord Peabody.

Concord: The Bears have the most wins in season opening games, the most of any NFL team. Granted, the Bears and Packers were the only two NFL teams in existence from 1840 to 1960, but that’s still a proud tradition to build on!

Concord: But let’s turn to the present: With no ground game to speak of, Jay Cutler will rely solely on an air attack this Sunday. A one-dimensional offensive strategy never fails—in football, on the battlefield, in the corporate world…

Sally: …and in comedy. Drunky McDumbAss! How’s it going in tailgate land?

Drunky: Hillary Clinton was specifically talking to me when she mentioned a “basket of deplorables”, which is what I usually buy at the liquor store.

Sally: And I thought “basket of deplorables” referred to the Bears offense. Ellie Mae McGillicutty. Your, uh, “thoughts.”

Ellie: Hillary Clinton called us Trump fans a “basket of deplorables”, which sounds like some weird compliment the Prissy Minion would give to Des.

Prissy Minion: Thank you.

Ellie: The insult was meaningless. It was like water rolling off a duck’s back, if by “water” you mean “Jack Daniels”, and by “duck” you mean “the numerous chickens I stole from the neighbor’s farm”. No, us Trumpinators get insulted every day—on social media, at work, whenever we watch anything on TV that’s not Fox News, by the one college graduate who hasn’t left town yet…

Sally: Isn’t a “basket of deplorables” how Dr. Seuss described the Grinch?

Ellie: Exactly. It’s the Jon Stewart version of Lindsay Graham, “I declare, you, suh, are a cad, a rouge, and just a—just a—basket of deplorables! Good day, suh!”

Sally: Prissy Minion. It’s finally your turn.

Prissy: Oh, Des, who is strangely absent for most of this episode. You’re a basket of deplorables I would hunt for every Easter Sunday.

Sally: Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off against the Houston Texans, a team they have never beaten. But I thought the Generals were due!

Bears vs. Vikings: 12-28-2014

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Minnesota Vikings in a game that means nothing to anyone, except for those of us who will enjoy watching an historical footnote of what is hopefully the final game with the current coaching and general manager staff. With Jimmy Clausen falling prey to the NFL’s sudden concern for concussions, Jay Cutler has one more chance to quarterback the Bears. Will Jay Cutler use the opportunity to further pad his stats as Chicago’s all-time leading passer? Or will every receiver continue to drop passes because--- Trestman!

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Nuedexta” Redbeard, Modre, the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae McGillicutty, and the non-pharmaceutical cure for uncontrollable laughter, Drunky McDumbAss.

Concord: Jay Cutler is two more teams, three additional head coaches, and 20 offensive coordinators away from being an elite quarterback. We’re talking Phillip Rivers-level elite!

Prissy: Kudos, Des, for not snagging the low hanging fruit of the classic comedy formula of “X is the highest quality member of set Y? That’s like saying A is the highest quality member of set B, when it’s understood that everything in set B is terrible!”

Des: Actually, Prissy, I tried really hard to use that formula, but the best I could do was, “Jay Cutler is the best passer in the history of the Chicago Bears? That’s like saying ‘Mork and Mindy’ is the best spin-off of Happy Days, or ‘Facts of Life’ was the best spin-off of ‘Diff’rent Strokes’, or Jeb Bush was the best President Bush.” I’m saving that joke for 2024.

Sally: Sadly, you probably have an 85% chance of using that joke, if Nate Silver is to be believed.

Redbeard: ARRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH! Mateys! Why be I buried beneath Concord Peabody, the Prissy Minion, and Doctor McChesty?

Des: Because Drunky McDumbAss hasn’t been released from his oxygen tent yet.

Redbeard: Ye treacherous land lubbers! Mayhap I can successfully deploy Prissy Minion’s comedy formula: Jay Cutler is the best passer in the eternal history of the Chicago football Bears? Why, that be like proclaiming that K-Mart be the best brand of deck chair on the Titanic. Be that too obscure for ye? How about this one: Jay Cutler is the best Bears quarterback? Why, that’s like sayin’ the Santa Maria was the least genocidal ship on Christopher Columbus’s fleet. Did that hit too close to home? This be not the Washington football blog, is it?

Des: Oh, Captain. Ellie Mae, what do you have for us?

Ellie Mae: If Jay Cutler joins the Nashville Oilers next season, his wife, Kristin Cavallari, would fit right in down in the hill country, what with her not vaccinatin’ her kids, or as we like to call it, “pokin’ ‘em with the devil’s needles”, which is maybe a little surprisin’, since she also has appeared in commercials on the squawk box asking for money to develop an HIV vaccine… which she would then refuse to give to her kids, I would assume. But you know whut they say about whut happens when you assume… you get a lucrative gig as a sports yapper! Now that’s what I call low hanging fruit!

Sally: Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears potentially complete the final game of the 2014 season!

Bears vs. Lions: 12-21-2014

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears will bench Jay Cutler in hopes of that Jimmy Clausen can lead the defense to allow less than 30 points…

Sally: Yeah, the Bears benched Jay Cutler in hopes that fans will shut up for 5 minutes so Trestman can get to his car. Another failed game plan, by the way.

Des: Will the Bears do the Packers yet one more favor by somehow getting an upset win over the Lions, or will Clausen do the Bears a favor by having a horrible game, thus forcing the Bears front office to deploy the much-needed pin sweeper on the coaching staff, ushering in the inevitable Jim Harbaugh/Mike Singletary era?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “No Gherkin Around” Redbeard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae McGillicutty, and finally, a man who’s filled with more Christmas spirits than every community college theater adaptation of A Christmas Carol put together, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHH, mateys! If there be one thing Marc Trestman, Jay Cutler, and I have in common, it be that our strategies are much more obvious to our enemies than to our own team/crew. Of course, when your strategy is to set your ship’s gunpowder on fire and ram your ship into the flagship of the British Royal Navy, ‘tis best to keep your crew in the dark about that.

            On a related or parenthetic topic, (or both), the Bears have utilized a succession of emotionless robots to coach the Bears. Perhaps ‘tis time to instead employ a raging psychopath to instill fear and terror into the Bears, and, with any luck, opposing teams. Mayhap a Jim Harbaugh or Mike Singletary be just what the Bears need. Or, alternatively, the Bears could hire a coach whose unnaturally calm demeanor barely masks an unquenchable fury and disdain for all mankind, i.e. Bill Belichick.

Des: Concord, what are your thoughts?

Concord: Des, the Bears are 175-200 when they use their backup quarterback, which sounds bad until you consider that they are 57-312 when they use their first-stringers.

Des: Ellie Mae. Any closing words?

Ellie: Merry Christmas, if by “Merry Christmas”, you mean a Christmas that isn’t a “mash-up” of the most depressing elements of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, and Kenny Rogers songs. I always said Christmas was more of an absence than a presence. Or “presents”, if you’re talking about the McGillicutty household.

Des: And, on that note… Happy Holidays!

Thanks to "friend of the blog" Agent Screamin' for the opening joke. And by "friend of the blog", I mean someone who wished the blog no specific harm.

Bears vs. Packers: 11-9-2014

BEARS VS. PACKERS: 11-9-14

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Green Bay Packers after being horribly eviscerated by the New England Patriots. Will Marc Trestman and Aaron Kromer find the magic keys to somehow teach Jay Cutler to throw passes to his teammates, as opposed the waiting arms of the Packers, random mascots, cheerleaders, and the numerous demons that haunt his nightmares, both sleeping and waking? Or will the call go out for the Bears to hire a new quarterback with a more colorful name, like Colt McCoy, Lance McSquarejaw, or Neckbeard?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Dolphin Blob” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Drunky McDumbAss, and from the deepest South, introducing Ellie Mae MacGillicutty.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! The Bears have too many problems to name, but I’ll give it a stab with me blood-drenched cutlass: A pass defense that makes me more nauseated than a norovirus-afflicted cruise ship, a general manager whose comments about “work ethic” and having “a system of doing things” resembles the drunken ramblings of the captain of the Costa Concordia, and a quarterback whose navigation skills make the captain of the Bahamas Celebration look like Magellan.

Des: Captain, that’s a disturbingly recent montage of cruise ship disasters.

Redbeard: Aye. Which is why I offer to your readers/listeners deeply discounted tickets to Captain Redbeard’s Thanksgiving Cruise, where we reenact the original Mayflower voyage with full historical accuracy, which unfortunately includes massive outbreaks of scurvy, pneumonia, and tuberculosis. Also, the residents/tourists of Cape Cod probably won’t appreciate our authentic recreation of the Mayflower landfall where we raid any unprotected stores of corn, or what the natives call “maize.” But don’t look for us on Groupon. We’re more of a Saveology-based enterprise because I’m pretty sure that a portion of the proceeds go to Scientology, whose KRC triangle of “Knowledge, Responsibility, and Control” really gave me the focus I needed to more successfully plunder the coastal cities of Somalia.

Des: Thank you, Captain. Unfortunately, your Thanksgiving tirade comes a bit too early, as I was hoping to save that for the Bears game on Thanksgiving.

Redbeard: Stop being such a lazy slaggard, Des! All ye need do is slap together some standard references to tryptophan, women being stuck in the kitchen while men watch football, and say “turducken” over and over again, and ye be all set!

Des: Concord Peabody. We haven’t heard from you in a while. What do you have for us?

Concord: The Bears are 30-0 when it comes to games they’d be better off losing. Go Bears!

Des: Modre, I know you’ll transcend the limitations of football pre-game coverage even though I’d rather you didn’t.

Modre: O. Henry once declared, “There is one day that is ours. Thanksgiving Day is the one day that’s purely American.” Except for Canada and Liberia.

Des: Again with the premature Thanksgiving jokes. Do we have orders from Corporate to get our Thanksgiving jokes out of the way now so we can go right to Christmas-themed comedy next week? Here to ignore that question altogether is our newest member of Captain Redbeard’s Bears Preview: Ellie Mae MacGillicutty.

Ellie: Well, what we have ourselves as an offering outside of the Green Bay Packer football stadium of Lambeau Field is what I’d like to call a Pig Nut Buffet. Now it’s true that there is a variety of unrelated plants that are called pig nuts, ranging from bunium bulbocastinum, which is a smoky flavored spice used in dishes in the Indian subcontinent, to the pig nut hickory that grows where I come from in the deep south, although its tendrils extend as far north as New England and even lower Ontario

            But while pig nut actually exists, we just steal the name to give down-home flavor to what is really just a stew of various road-kill.

Des: So, Doctor McChesty, would you like to bring things to a staggering conclusion?

Sally: I would think that a “staggering conclusion” would be more Drunky McDumbAss’s forte, Des, but whatever. Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a match that goes up against The Walking Dead—which pretty much describes the Bears defense. (Cue sad slide whistle).

Bears vs. Falcons: 10-12-2014

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Atlanta Falcons in Phase Two of their Southern Campaign that hasn’t exactly resembled Sherman’s March to the Sea. Will the Bears use a brutally ruthless offense to reduce Atlanta to cinders while constructing a defense acceptable enough to hold on to Gettysburg? Or will Marc Trestman play the role of George McClellan and use a conservative run offense that goes nowhere?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Unconditional Surrender” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, and the eternal drinking game, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Once again, Des, your prejudice against all things aquatic is laid bare for all to see! Where be the critical role played by the Union and Confederate Navies in your extended-to-the-breaking-point metaphor? Whilst I could make me standard double entendre about the Anaconda Strategy, this time I prefer to express me hope that the Bears defense today resembles the ironclad USS Monitor upon which the Falcons bounce off like so many Confederate cannonballs and not the Ironsides wheelchairs I stole from Raymond Burr and Blair Underwood, the star of the 2013 remake that was cancelled after three episodes, both of which I will later use to laughably wheel myself down the deck of me ship after too many casks of white Jamaican rum.

Des: I liked it better when everyone just ignored my opening question. Modre. What are your thoughts?

Modre: A mighty dragon cannot crush a native snake. I’m not sure whether the Bears are the dragons or the snakes, or if that even matters.

Des: Thank you, Modre. Doctor McChesty. Who will win today’s Bears game?

Sally: Well, Des, both teams can best be described as ones where the whole is less than the sum of its parts. So I guess it’s all about how you add up the numbers.

Des: Isn’t that your job?

Sally: It is this week, Des, until you come up with another way to define my character.

Des: Drunky McDumbAss. What’s happening in tailgate land?

Drunky: I’m incoherent rambling into my smart phone from the back seat of Des-boy’s 1972 Ford Torino. We’re hiding behind some abandoned factory.

Des-boy: Shut up, McDumbAss! You want the revenuers to find us?

Des: Prissy Minion. End this on a positive note if you can, but, please… end this!

Prissy: Des, your posts are always soothing yet adventurous, and you never settle for passable while the transcendent is still within reach.

Des: Just like Leonard Cohen’s new album, Popular Problems, now available on I-tunes and wherever good music is sold. Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a game that’s apparently important enough to be flexibly scheduled to 3:30 Central Time, which I just discovered right now, totally throwing off my plans for my entire Sunday, dad-blast it!

Bears vs. Bills: 9-7-2014

BEARS VS. BILLS: 9-7-14

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Buffalo Bills in a bombastic battle of Biblical bombastitude fully in keeping with the Mighty Marvel Madmen’s tradition of aggressively annoying alliteration. Will Marc Trestman finally weave into place all the pieces of the Bears tapestry of offense, defense, special teams and other formerly loose threads into a magnificent puzzle, revealing the Vince Lombardi trophy? Or will the Bills somehow pull together a convincing enough victory to price the team beyond the grasping hands of Jon Bon Jovi?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Coco Crisp” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and Sally McChesty.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Thanks to a court-ordered drug regimen of Risperdal, Zyprexa, Haldol, and too many other anti-psychotic medications too numerous to count, let alone name, me ability to predict the future of the Bears this season be significantly blunted. But ne’er the less, prepare to take heed: The Bears will go 11-5 this year, defeating all of their AFC foes, which include the Bills, Jets, Dolphins, and Patriots. They will also soundly destroy the Cowboys, Falcons, and, sadly, the Buccaneers, plus their divisional foes the Vikings and Lions twice. Unfortunately, the Bears will fail against the might of the 49ers, Panthers, and Saints, and Aaron Rogers will manage to beat the Bears despite having career-ending injuries in both games.

Des: Captain, I noticed that the Bears barely fell short of your expectations last year. You foresaw a 9-7 season, but the Bears walked away with an 8-8 record.

SR: Aye. This year, I think Jay Cutler will exceed expectations by playing two consecutive games this season. That be my “key to victory”. Or is that me “Treasure Map to the Super Bowl”? I think that be next week’s episode. Stay tuned all of your numerous electronic devices, ye treacherous land lubbers!

Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

CWP: Well, the Bills have developed a murderous no huddle offense, Nigel Bradham is a very fast and powerful lineman, and E.J. Manuel is an acceptable quarterback. On the other hand, the Bills’ coach said that rookie offensive tackle Cyrus Kouandjio blocks like Venus De Milo, so I think we’re okay. Bears win 34- 9.

Des: Modre. I have no idea what you will say next.

Modre: I have just completed reading the Wikipedia entry on Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time, which alleges that the publisher warned Hawking that “for every equation in the book, the readership would be halved.” Behold the revised equation of comedy: tragedy + time = comedy, but tragedy + time X awareness of the comedy equation = ½ comedy. Presumably this is an infinite regression.

Des: Speaking of infinite regression, here’s Sally McChesty presenting the handful of celebrities who are still waiting their turn to participate in the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge. Sally, who’s left as a… heh, heh… washed-up celebrity?

SMC: Way to belittle a bunch of people who are just trying to help, Des. Now it’s my turn to jump in! We have Dennis Miller, Adrien Brody, and Christian Slater, all about to receive a dunking in well-earned obscurity. However, a warning to you Hollywood TV producers out there: Do not use your dark alchemy to turn these losers into dramatic gold a la Breaking Bad or Damages.

Des: Oh, the irony of an obscure reference maestro reduced to naught but a random throwaway micron of comedic trivia! Sit back and watch on your weird wrist phone or eye piece or magic giant ring or false tooth interface as the Bears face off in a game that will be littered with commercials featuring hallucinogenic properties that exceed the combined drug-induced ravings of Hunter S. Thompson, William S. Burrows, and Ken Kesey.

Bears vs. Saints: 10-6-2013

BEARS VS. SAINTS: 10-6-13


Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the New Orleans Saints after a tough loss against the Detroit Lions. Will the Bears pick themselves up and resume their winning ways? Or has Jay Cutler already grown immune to Dr. Marc Trestman’s competence serum?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Aqua Satan” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and Doctor Sally Quincy McChesty.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Let’s take a peek at how me Treasure Map to the Superbowl is guiding ye, the trusting landlubber gambler, to untold wealth and riches that make e’en the shining citadels of Richie Rich’s playhouses 179 through 562 pale in comparison. Me Superbowl picks continue to rock the free world, with the Colts leading their division with a 3-1 record and the Seahawks be undefeated. Me AFC wild card picks, the Broncos and Patriots, have also emerged undefeated so far. The Dolphins are respectable so far with a 3-1 record, and the Bengals and Chargers still have a chance with 2-2 records. The NFC continues to befuddle me: The Bears, my first wild card pick have a respectable showing with 3-1, but the Falcons have a 1-3 record, and my remaining three divisional picks are terrible: the Giants are 0-4, the Vikings are 1-3, and the Panthers are 1-2. Father Poseidon, why have you forsaken me?!?!?

Des: Presumably, it’s because of your multitude of crimes against humanity, both on and off the water. By the way, Captain, kudos for your curse against the Redskins that didn’t even last one week. Modre. What fortune cookie advice do you have for us this week?

Modre: The quickest way to fall is to stand still. Of course, Jay Cutler is a very mobile quarterback, and that’s not helping him out either.

Des: Thank you, Modre. So, Doctor McChesty, what do you have for us?

SMC: Des, when will they leave Josh Freeman alone?

Des: This is the most football-focused post we’ve had in a while. Prissy Minion, take us off track, won’t you?

PM: Des, your stadium sized comedy insights and menacing undertones never fail to lighten my mood.

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game against a city that narrowly avoided being destroyed again by another “K” hurricane--- and, no, those aren’t comedy “k” sounds you’re hearing.

Bears vs. Bengals: 9-8-2013

BEARS VS. BENGALS: 9-8-13


Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Cincinnati Bengals in what is most assuredly not a preview of this year’s Superbowl. Will Marc Trestman somehow find the key to unlock Jay Cutler’s hidden Sid Luckman-esque talent? Or will the Bengals receive a spark of hope that will be extinguished by their remaining 15 games?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Aquatic Ingénue” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and Sally McChesty.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! ‘Tis time once again to predict how the Bears will perform this season. As regular viewers of this internet experience know, my predictions come to me through a combination of physical ailments, revelations from numerous deities both aquatic and land-lubber, plus PTSD caused by watching 105 seasons of the Chicago Cubs. This miasma of the transcendent and the wretched reveals the following: the Bears’ new coach Marc Trestman will unleash all kinds of weird stuff that will befuddle their foes that involve flash paper and staring off into the distance and screaming. Thus the Bears will begin their season winning the first five games. Then the opposing coaches will catch on to Trestman’s trickery and ‘twill all be over—the entire O-line will lie slain on the battlefield as will the Bears first five starting quarterbacks until the Bears pick up Tim Tebow, who will be know as “touchdown Jesus” in that he will be horribly crucified, first by opposing defenses, then by the sports media, both local and national. The international media will not care.

So, to summarize and expand: the Bears will go 9-7 this year, defeating the Bengals, Steelers, Saints, Redskins, Rams, Browns, Eagles, and the Lions twice. They’ll split the Vikings, and lose to the Giants, Ravens, Cowboys, and the Packers twice. Someday, the Bears will discover the formula to defeating the Packers, but not this year.

Des: Captain, I noticed that your predictions are more modest for the Bears this year. Last year, you thought they would go 14-2, but ended with a 10-6 record.

SR: Aye. I was strung out on “ocean meth” last year, an ill-conceived mixture of coffee, rum, some ground up diet pills I had left over from the 1970s, ocean water, and Windex for coloring. When you’re sailing across the eternal wet, ye have a lot of time on your hands.

Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

CWS: Well, the Bengals have a 4-1 record against the Bears at Soldier Field, Gino Atkins and Carlos Dunlap are strong Bengals defenders, plus the Bengals have a more diversified offense and a more experienced offensive line and coaching staff. That said, the Bears will still win 34 to 6.

Des: Modre, the inscrutable Asian stereotype! I have no idea what you will say next.

Modre: Gaijin, I have just completed reading The Alphabet versus the Goddess which posits the theory that the written word causes people to become more left-brained, causing them to reject feminine values and become more misogynistic. You might think that reading this book would encourage me to reject reading and writing, but spending three hours deeply engrossed with this text has given me a toxic level of exposure to written language, leaving me 100 times more evil than before.

Des: Speaking of feminine values, here’s Sally McChesty presenting “Small Words”, a series of interviews with the children of NFL players.

SMC: Des, are you even aware that I possess doctorates in sports history, sports medicine, sports finance, and football strategy? I mean, what the hell? I’ve forgotten more about football than the rest of your sports panel will ever know! You want to know what the kids of NFL players have to say? During football season, most of them only see their fathers on NFL posters in their bedrooms!

Des: Yeah, book learning is not really a plus when it comes to sports casting. That’s all the time we have, folks. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that might make people forget about our horrible treatment of veterans... mostly because that won’t be mentioned when the NFL honors our soldiers.