Des: Welcome to another
edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against
the Detroit Lions after a tough loss against Dallas in which the offense really
turned on the heat… after it no longer mattered. With the Bears season once
again over before it truly began, the only real question is, Will Kyle Hendricks’
pitching, and the hitting prowess of Kris Bryant and Anthony Rizzo finally
bring the Cubs World Series glory? Or will the inconsistent pitching of Hector
Rondon and Pedro Strop give some idiot Cubs fan the opportunity to steal
another title from Chicago?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of
experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Gyruss” Red-beard,
Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie
Mae MacGillicutty, Drunky McDumbAss, and the biggest curse to afflict Chicago
sports, excepting 108 years of Cubs history, former coach Marc Trestman.
Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! This
be Week 4 of the NFL season, which can only mean that it be time for Captain
Redbeard’s Chum Bucket of the NFL, the team that will fail to win a single game
this season. There be four teams competing for this dubious honor, the New
Orleans Saints, the Cleveland Browns, the Jacksonville Jaguars, and, for the
second consecutive year, the Chicago Football Bears. ‘Twill be the Cleveland Browns
that will go winless this year, as the Cavaliers drained all the winning magic
from this doomed metropolis for the next millennia.
Sally: At least you didn’t
pick on the Bears this year, Captain. They exceeded your expectations by going
6-10, which is six more games than you expected.
Redbeard: Aye, me beauteous
maiden, but they’ve already lost to three bad teams. Luckily, there be 7 more
terrible teams to go.
Sally: Coach Trestman. Where do
the Bears go from here?
Trestman: Bon matin, mes amis! I have completed mon petit dejeuner avec le fruit cup. Your
Jean Fox must become more like the
Reynard trickster fox of French legend, the peasant-hero character who
outsmarts the aristocracy and the clergy, although, given that Renard
symbolizes the triumph of cunning over brute strength, it is perhaps not the
best metaphor to be applied to le
football American, n’est-ce-pas?
Sally: Lunging from a mockery
of pseudo-intellectuals to its polar opposite, would you welcome—Ellie Mae
McGillicutty.
Ellie: Excuse me while I
chomp on a concoction of chewin’ tobaccy, Big League Chew, and an assortment of
Fiddle Faddle and mystery giblets. Know what would go good with this?
Sally: A third-grade
education?
Ellie: An endless loop of the
one time Donald Trump burned Hillary Clinton in the first debate when he nailed
her on NAFTA, or NASCAR, or whatever.
Sally: Prissy Minion. Provide
us with inexplicable Des Pride.
Prissy Minion: Des’s football
musings place him among the great prophets throughout history in that they are
deliberate misinterpreted to suit the needs of our political and religious
leaders.
Des: That is indeed a high
standard to live up to. Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears battle
the Lions for possession of the most disappointing legacy for their starting
quarterback.
