Bears vs. Vikings: 11-29-09

BEARS VS. VIKINGS: 11-29-09

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Vikings after a heart-breaking loss to the Philadelphia Eagles. Will the Bears offense show some sparks of ingenuity, or a least competence? Or is that really loud ticking noise Ron Turner’s Deathclock?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Salon Haji Bahdoon” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and Horseshoe Sandwich crooner Des-boy.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! The once mighty Spanish Armada be naught but a shadow of its former self. Even incompetent lunkheads like me are able to fleece them for millions. This fate could be yours, Barack Obama, if ye reduce military expenditures by even a hay-penny. Here’s your gambling tip of the week: I’ll place me three million Euro ransom from the Spanish government on the Cleveland Browns. Mangini can’t be wrong all the time!

Des: Yeah, thanks, Captain. Modre. What should the Bears do?

Modre: American poet Adrienne Rich once said, “Every journey into the past is complicated by delusions, false memories, false namings of real events.” That’s also true of the future. And also the present!

Des: Thanks, Captain Bringdown. Des-boy. Your thoughts about the Bears

DB: Well, Des, as they say in Standard City, “When’s NASCAR on?”

Des: Prissy Minion. What bizarre compliment do you have for me this week?

PM: Oh, Des. You’re boredom’s worst nightmare. Of course, that’s also true for car accidents and train wrecks, which I also enjoy watching.

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game brought to you by "V: the Visitors", starring Morena Baccarin, who’s inching closer to replacing my 20 year old picture of Janeane Garofalo on my screen saver.