Bears vs. Jets: 10-28-2018

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears continue their campaign against the AFC East after a tough overtime loss against the New England Patriots. Will the Bears be able to defeat the Jets with a couple of minor adjustments? Or will the Bears need yet another changeover of managerial staff and philosophy, somehow revolving around Ishikawa fishbone diagrams, quality control circles, and layer upon layer of Myers-Briggs surveys?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “idea shower” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-logical guru, the Prissy Minion, Sally McChesty, and special guest tailgater, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Me idea showers are always showers of pure gold! And, if that joke be not blunt enough for ye, mateys, consider this joke: Bears special teams! The Patriots scored two special teams touchdowns, leaving Chicago’s dreams of victory naught but a smoldering pile of ashes not unlike the end result of me every engagement against the British Navy. Curse ye to the darkest depths of Davey Jones Locker, Admiral Nelson!

Des: Thank you, Captain. I’ll pick dirty Beret del Mundo to block.

dirty Beret: Over the rivers of molten cobalt and through the woods that surround a Chinese labor camp to Grandmother’s hovel of unending alienation we go. The horse knows not the way to guide the once proud matriarch to a nightmarish cylinder of ersatz interaction with one’s abandoned spawn. Thus singeth the tuneless overlapping denizens of Charlie Brown’s parents’ station wagon as they hurtle, unrestrained by flimsy seat belts and the three to four panel sense of foreboding that permeates every 1950 to 1970 Peanuts comic strip, to the You Tube studios of this horrific dystopian alternate universe remake entitled For What Should We Be Thankful, Please Tell Me, Charlie Brown? And, yet, be this truly an alternate universe, or merely an uncovered layer of this world we wish we had never made?

Des: At last, dirty Beret, you have accomplished what no one asked for, or wanted: A bridge between the overt horror of Halloween and the covert horror of Thanksgiving. Concord Peabody. You have some grumpy advice for Bears viewers?

Concord: Look on the bright side, Bears fans: If the Bears suffer a mid-season slump, we can entertain ourselves with mindless mumblings of some random White Stripes song, like Dodger fans do.

Des: Circle gets the square. I’ll choose Drunky McDumbAss for the win.

Drunky: Irish Mist enfoggens my noggin!

Des: Isn’t Irish Mist a little pricey for you, Drunky?

Drunky: Not if it’s homemade Irish Mist from Ellie Mae McGillicutty, which I’m led to believe is actually Early Times Whiskey with crushed Honey Comb cereal stirred in.

Des: As you would expect, the Prissy Minion inhabits the center square.

Prissy: Des, you’ll always be my secret square. Or the Secret Squirrel to my Morocco Mole.

Des: Now I remember why you were banned from the show

Prissy: Oh, Des, just because I can’t shower you with praise the way Joe Buck does when he talks about Clayton Kershaw doesn’t mean I can’t recognize the enduring genius of a cultural icon who once wrote, “There’s no other place like the world/There’s no other place I’d rather be/There’s no other place like the world/So sit right back and take it away from me.” You can run from your cultural legacy, like Trubisky, or you can stand in the pocket and throw it for a touchdown.

Des: Or, like most Bears quarterbacks, I can throw it into the end zone, only to have it intercepted. Prissy, this may be the only time you have ever referred to football in this football pre-game show. Congratulations! Doctor Sally McChesty. What are your thoughts?

Sally: Apparently, I’m supposed to be the angry feminist stereotype on this show, and I’m going to rant about how Rose Byrne started as a feminist icon on Damages, but has now been reduced to a beleaguered wife in a series of cookie cutter comedies. How is that supposed to be funny?

Des: It’s not. It’s supposed to fulfill the third part of our show’s charter: “It’ll make you laugh, it’ll make you cry, but, most important… it’ll make you think.”

Sally: Uh, actually, that’s the slogan for Archie Andrews at Riverdale High, the Archie title that desperately tried to tackle the social issues facing the troubled teens of the 1970s and 1980s. It kept me from drag racing. End transmission.

Credits: the “Drunky McDumbAss” character was created by my cousin Jeff, whom I wish were here to make his creation funnier. And a million other way more important things.

Bears vs. Dolphins: 10-14-2018

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Dolphins, another surprisingly strong team. Will the Bears maintain their winning formula of dominant defense, competent quarterbacking, and capitalizing on their opponents errors? Or will they fail to drown out that annoying sound in the background of Donald Trump giving a slew of pointless incoherent rage tirades about the NFL not seen since the days of the Fabulous Sports Babe or Jay Mariotti?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Eternal Sunshine” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae MacGillicutty, Drunky McDumbAss, and joining our panel for the first time, the non-linear poetry of dirty Beret del Mundo.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! No one would have believed that the Bears would start the season with a 3-0 record. And by “no-one”, I mean “me”, who predicted that the Bears would go 1-15 this season, beating only the Giants. ‘Twill require a fortnight of floggings, keel haulings, and plank walking to salve my shame. And, by “fortnight”, I mean a two week period of time, not the Tamaguchi of this misbegotten generation.

Sally: Captain, are you referring to Tamagotchi, the digital pet, or Kristi Yamaguchi, the 1992 Olympic Gold Medalist in figure skating?

Redbeard: Which answer would earn your respect, me beauteous sea maiden?

Sally: dirty Beret del Mundo. Would you cleanse the palette of the conversation that just took place?

dirty Beret del Mundo: When the loaded drunken base 10 stealers of yester-morrow’s Ice 9 gender thieves have unraveled the final tapestry of angrily barbed Interwebs, who will gurgle the final blood filled oxygen tents of mankind’s desperate failed relationships of the rust-covered, rust-hued iguana tears of a pale faced masonry that a nation of racially insulting sports mascots dance shame-faced upon the Astro-terrific graves of Bourbon American spirits in a material world?

Sally: I don’t know. Joe Buck? Our so-called leader speaks: Drunky McDumbAss. What’s happening in tailgate land?

Drunky: In my case, they use more than words to try to jail me.

Sally: Concord Peabody. Are you still giving pointlessly ritualistic coaching strategies?

Concord: Justin Verlander did that for me this week with his Supercuts commercial in which he counts off everything he does by threes. I didn’t need to know that he has to use the third bathroom stall. What does he do at home?

Sally: The same thing I do: Keep building additions on my palatial mansion. End transmission.

Bears vs. Cardinals: September 23, 2018

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Cardinals after a hard fought win against the Seahawks, a hollow, depleted husk of its once-mighty self. Will the Bears take advantage of a yet another lackluster team? And will anyone watch the Bears when you could watch the Cubs play the White Sox for the last game featuring legendary Sox broadcaster Hawk Harrelson?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Sweet Release” Red-beard, Modre, the trans-logical guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae McGillicutty, former Bears Coach Marc Trestman, and the technicolor shamblings of Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Once again, it be time for me to reveal my predictions for today’s game. So, after consuming a cocktail called “Bilge Swill” and crashing through the hollow hull of my pirate ship, only to be rescued by the watery hand of the Lady of the Lake, who inscribed today’s predictions with the mystic sword Excalibur, first upon my termite-infested peg leg, then when she ran out of room, on my sea water rusted hook for a hand, and then finally upon my pleated brow, which I will read using a shattered mirror broken upon the skull of many a foe, but mostly Aquaman. I have done many a team up with Black Manta, who still has the scariest voice ever heard on a late 1970s cartoon. Anyone who has watched the “Challenge of the Superfriends” knows what I’m talking about. Oh, yes: what will be the outcome of today’s game? The Bears will defeat the Cardinals 28-6, with the defense scoring all four touchdowns. Also, yrujni gnidne nosaes a evah lliw yksiburt.

Des: Concord Peabody. What are you bringing to the table today?

Concord: Des, even though nobody heeded my multiple quarterback strategy last week, I’m back again to provide another ritualistic coaching strategy you should follow even when it makes absolutely no sense to do so. And here it is: Starting pitchers should pitch exactly 100 pitches per game. No more, no less. I don’t care if the pitcher is working on a no-hitter, if he’s down by 20 runs, if both shoulders are dislocated, or if his clothes have been knocked off by a line drive a la Charlie Brown. 100 pitches.

Des: Thank you, Concord. Drunky, even though I pride myself on not asking a question unless I’m prepared to hear the answer, what, uh, what is happening?

Drunky McDumbAss: I was enjoying myself tailgating at a bar called “Slumpy’s.” Except it turned out to be a mattress store called “Sleepy’s.”

Des: Prissy Minion. Make me feel better about myself.

Prissy Minion: Oh, Des. You have the bubbly effervescence of an Alka Seltzer commercial sung by Sammy Davis, Jr.

Des: …which I have in my music collection somewhere, thanks to occasional friend of the blog Stronger Than Dirt Pete Moss.

Sally: Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears do battle in a game that will mathematically eliminate one or both teams in the third week of the season.

Bears vs. Seahawks: September 17, 2018

Des: So, last year, we didn’t perform a ton of Bears episodes, aside from our three token presentations: the Bears season prediction episode, the treasure map to the Super Bowl outing, and our Chum Bucket of the NFL selection. With all of the controversies about concussions and protesting police brutality during the National Anthem and the Bears continuing to be mediocre at best, football was not a fertile field for comedy for us last year.

Sally: Along with destroying everything else that’s good about America, and humanity in general, Trump destroyed comedy by making it impossible to exaggerate anything for comedic effect.

Des: Trump far exceeded my standard New Year’s resolution to single handedly bring down America’s Gross National Product. And I deliberately use “National” instead of “Domestic.” I’m no globalist!

Sally: However, given the comedy maxim “tragedy plus time equals comedy”… even while the tragedy is still ongoing… we thought it was time to try to pick up where we left off.

Des: Too soon?

Sally: Always.

Des: Excellent! So let’s give this a shot… of Jack Daniels… Honey Whiskey. Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Seahawks after a heartbreaking loss to the Green Bay Packers. Or it would be heartbreaking if I were not already numbed after numerous losses to our hated Lumbermen of the North. Will the Bears defeat one other team besides the New York Giants? Or will Chicago fans have naught to look forward to after the Cubs emerge triumphant against the Red Sox in this year’s World Series?

To answer these, and similar questions, is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody. Captain Silas Charles “Wandy” Redbeard. Modre, the trans-Western Guru. Drunky McDumb-Ass. Dr. Sally McChesty.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Last year, I had forsaken all of my aquatic deities when I unrolled the Treasure Map to the Super Bowl after tracing it on butcher paper from an overhead projector I used during a Ted Talk on Piracy in the 21^st Century. I mostly just staggered around on stage mumbling random things about unfurling your inner Jolly Roger and don’t be afraid to falsely cry “Land Ho!” from your metaphorical crow’s nest after burning the ladder. After various homemade anti-psychotic medications deprived me of my prophetic visions, only two of my picks went on to the playoffs: the Patriots and the Falcons. This year, I have returned to the celestial well filled to bursting with the tears of Poseidon, Tethys, Neptune, Aquaman, and various Kraken to carve this year’s Treasure Map to the Super Bowl on the walls of the National Archives. Or maybe it was a closed down Sears. Anyway:

Gazing upon the broken wreck that is the AFC, I foresee the Bills, Ravens, Titans, and Chargers dominating their divisions in the sense that they won by one or two games, with the Patriots and Steelers sneaking into the playoffs like a thief in the night as Wild Card Winners.

Meanwhile, in the NFC, I envision the Cowboys, Lions, Panthers, and Seahawks conquering their division by winning more games than the others, with the Eagles and Vikings conniving their way into the Wild Card Round with the style and finesse of a used car salesman.

And now for the outcome that is more predictable than every John Hughes movie: the Patriots will defeat the Panthers in a rematch of one of at least ten Super Bowls in the previous decade.

Des: Captain, you’ve picked the Patriots to win every Super Bowl in the 21^st Century.

Redbeard: Aye! And I’ve been right 90% of the time. Given how often and predictably the Patriots win the Super Bowl, I wonder why anyone bothers to watch. It can’t be the halftime show, and the last Super Bowl commercial to pierce my rum induced haze was Bud Bowl V, when a case of Falstaff beer annihilated a hapless team of Bud Bock scab players. At least that’s how I remember the 1990s.

Des: Thank you, Captain. Let’s check in with Concord Wainwright Peabody.

Concord: I have reimagined my character as providing weirdly inappropriately mechanistic coaching strategies.

Des: Why don’t you just say “obsessive compulsive” coaching strategies?

Concord: That is deeply offensive! This week’s strategy for the Bears is to overcome the single dimensionality of Bears quarterbacks by using three quarterbacks: One for the first three quarters, a relief quarterback for the fourth quarter, or sooner, once the opposing defense has completely figured out Trubisky, then they should use a third quarterback that specializes in high speed two minute offense. It works in baseball.

Sally: Thank you, Concord. End transmission.

Bears vs. Packers: September 9, 2018

Redbeard: ARRRRHHHH... mateys! This entry be naught but a placeholder or, mayhap, the fulfillment of Des's unquenchable need to scratch an itch that be enflamed, enflambe, as it were, by a mosquito of compulsive prediction generated a data set that exists from naught but visitations from various aquatic deities and imagined physical ailments. Des, be ye familiar with a recent radio ad in which the spokesperson informed us all that "Life is nothing but the accumulation of chronic conditions?"

Des: No, but I would immediately and eternally boycott the product in question, if I ever heard that ad on the radio. Or ever listened to the radio. Which I don't.

Redbeard: That be truly, richly ironic, Des, given that the existence of my pirate character, nay, this very blog, stems from your overnight radio show on WKDI in DeKalb, Illinois, from January to April of 1988.

Des: Yeah, the number of regular readers of this blog, which is 14, exceeded our entire radio audience. Although 12 of them are Russian bots. I think the data they mined from our website somehow enabled Putin to capture Wisconsin's Electoral College votes for Trump.

Redbeard: Aye, the anti-Clinton attack ads the Trump campaign derived from this blog were truly frightening. But I digress. Behold my prediction for the Bears this season: The Bears will defeat the Giants. That is all.

Bears vs, Packers: 11-12-2017

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Green Bay Packers, in what is still somehow the greatest rivalry in football even though the Packers record against the Bears has been 38-18 from 1990 onward. Will the Bears take advantage of a team weakened by the loss of their blandly charismatic leader? Or will Chicago fans continue to invest their hopes and dreams in a dismal quarterback despite all evidence to the contrary?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Papa John” Red-beard, Modre, the trans-logical guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Drunky McDumbAss, and our washtub-strumming Sage of the South, Ellie Mae McGillicutty.

Redbeard: ARRRH, matyes! I have awakened from me Kraken-esque slumber to announce me “Chum Bucket of the NFL”, the one team that will fail to win a single game this season. Although both the Cleveland Browns and the San Francisco 49ers both deserve this “honor” with their 0-8 records, ‘twill be the 49ers that will ultimately fail to celebrate a single win this year, thanks to the “Kaepernick Curse” which has been placed upon them. These curses are well-nigh impossible to shatter. Just ask the Washington football team, although I think I painted far too broad a stroke with that particular curse, having afflicted the entire NFL East with mediocrity at best, with the exception of the Philadelphia Eagles, whom I foresee playing against the New England Patriots in a Super Bowl that no one will watch after everyone with the tiniest bit of political awareness decides to boycott the NFL, even though sports media will desperately try to drum up interest by casting the Eagles-Patriots matchup as a metaphor of the eventual 2020 contest between Donald Trump and Deval Patrick. I won’t say which team represents which candidate, but I think everybody knows.

Sally: That’s a grim, uh, vision, I guess, of the future of football.

Redbeard: Aye! But, wait! There be more forebodings of even more future evil: Having destroyed football, television, social media, Civil War re-enactments, pizza, and both Star Trek and War (somehow), it be only a matter of time before President-for-life Donald Trump destroys all remaining American institutions: rock music, Coca Cola, the American automotive industry, and apple pie.

Sally: Do you really think Donald Trump will be “President-for-life”?

Redbeard: Well, president for the rest of Drunky McDumbAss’s life.

Drunky: Hey, wait a minute…

Sally: What about NASCAR and country music? Aren’t those American institutions?

Redbeard: Sure, but not in a good way.

Sally: Your Chum Bucket pick came really close to coming to fruition last year with the Browns… they only won one game and were the worst team in the NFL.

Redbeard: Aye, me beauteous maiden, whom I totally will not ask to hold a Microsoft Tablet whilst I view a replay to decree whether Kaepernick’s knee hit the ground before he broke the plane of American awareness of difficult racial issues.

Sally: That’s good, because you’re one hammock misadventure away from being the aquatic Harvey Weinstein. Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears play in a game in which your awareness of the outside world will slowly creep back into the periphery of your consciousness during every prolonged replay review. 

Bears vs. Jaguars: 10-16-2016

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. This pre-game show is being written as the Captain Redbeard Bears Tailgate Extravamaganza begins episode 2 of its ongoing series of watching the Cubs post-season play while occasionally commenting on the Bears. We will be observing innings 5 and 6 of NLCS game 1 against the Los Angeles Dodgers. Where are we watching this, everybody? The Ground Round? Wag’s? Do those places even exist anymore?

So…the Bears face off against the Jacksonville Jaguars after a forgettable loss against the Indianapolis Colts. Will the Bears be able to recapture a television audience once the Cubs complete their quest for a World Series championship? Or will there be yet another opening for yet another comic book based TV series on Netflix?

Sally: Enrique Hernandez lines out sharply to shortstop Addison Russell.

Des: To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Ungalunga” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae MacGillicutty, Drunky McDumbAss, and football’s answer to Charlie Brown, Coach Marc Trestman.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Deep within this ancient mariner’s heart lies the hope that all the celebrities attending tonight’s Cubs game will sing a 10 minute long version of “We Are the World” during the 7^th inning stretch. ‘Twould truly be a most memorable sea chanty.

Sally: Joc Peterson bunt grounds out to third baseman Kris Bryant to first baseman Anthony Rizzo. Pinch-hitter Andre Ethier replaces Kenta Maeda.

Modre: When ancient curses die upon the lathe of the Coke bottle Malcolm X glasses of tomorrow’s retro style councils, who will remain to taste the remaining ash can Budweiser of a thousand Harry Caray statues clapping and singing a tune that can never die?

Sally: I don’t know. Drunky McDumbAss? Andre Ethier homers on a fly ball to left center field.

Drunky: Having been banned for life from all of Wrigleyville, I’m watching tonight’s deep within a Trump rally in New Hampshire.

Sally: Again with the Trump reference. Howie Kendrick grounds out to shortstop Addison Russell to first baseman Anthony Russell, which ends the top of the fifth inning.

Concord: Nate Silver gives Clinton an 85.5% chance of winning this election, up 4% from last week. There may still be 4 or 5 people left in America who Trump hasn’t personally insulted or sued yet. Go Trump!

Sally: The bottom of the fifth inning begins with a pitching change. Pedro Baez replaces Kenta Maeda, batting 9^th, replacing Andre Ethier

Prissy Minion: Kenda? As in Joe Kenda, of Homicide Hunter fame? His rich baritone reminds me of your singing voice, Des. Or Leonard Nimoy’s.

Sally: Kris Bryant walks.

Ellie Mae: I support Trump because he will pardon the cast of Duck Dynasty for crimes they are likely to commit in the future.

Sally: Anthony Rizzo strikes out swinging.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Forget what I said about Chicago celebrities performing We Are the World. For my Chum Bucket list, I would like to see Chicago’s Finest sing a medley of all the classic sea-chanties: Donovan’s Atlantis, Grand Funk Railroad’s I’m Your Captain, Adam Ant’s Jolly Roger…

Sally: Wait. Wouldn’t a Chum Bucket List be a list of things you would want to avoid in life at all costs? We should perhaps explore this concept in our New Year’s Eve episode. Ben Zobrist pops out to third baseman Justin Turner.

Trestman: Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho! The Toronto Blue Jays will be Canada’s revenge against American baseball. Also, we have already sealed our border to prevent the escape of Trump-related refugees. I leave it to you, the audience, to determine what I am darkly referring to.

Sally: Addison Russell strikes out, which retires the side.

Sally: And we begin the sixth inning.

Ellie Mae: Hillary Clinton had John Lennon killed so she could have Yoko all to herself.

Sally: That was delightfully random. Justin Turner flies out to right fielder Jason Heyward.

Redbeard: ARRRRRRRRHHHHHHH! I have expanded my list of demands to the 7^th inning stretch singers to include the Gilligan’s Island and Love Boat themes.

Sally: Yasiel Puig grounds out to first baseman Anthony Rizzo to pitcher John Lester. And that retires the side! Cubs still up 3-1.

Sally: And we are back at the bottom of the sixth. After hearing Just the Two of Us and If You Want to Sing Out, Sing Out being used in commercials, are there any good songs that haven’t been strip mined by Madison Avenue?

Modre: It’s Halloween, by the Shaggs? Oh, wait. I think I heard that on an M & M’s commercial.

Sally: Jason Heyward flies out to left fielder Howie Kendrick.

Sally: Javier Baez doubles on a line drive to right fielder Yasiel Puig.

Drunky: Shouldn’t the horrible Buster Posey commercials end when his team is knocked out of the playoffs?

Sally: David Ross strikes out swinging. Pinch-hitter Jorge Soler replaces Jon Lester.

Prissy Minion: I thoroughly enjoy the complete lack of connection between the events of the Cubs game and the random comments of our sports panel. Truly, Des, this is the Scarborough Fair/Canticle of comedy, in that it’s an unintentional critique of the Vietnam War.

Sally: Soler grounds out, which ends the 6^th inning, and also concludes our appearance on the Bears pre-game show. End transmission.

Bears vs Colts: 10-9-2016

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. This pre-game show is being written as the Captain Redbeard Bears Tailgate Extravamaganza is watching the Cubs play at the NLDS game 2 against the San Francisco baseball Giants. Where are we watching this, everybody? John’s Garage? The Snuggery? Do those places even exist anymore?

Anyway, we are coming to you live, beginning with the third inning after the Cubs jump ahead to a 4-0 lead, hopefully making it super-easy for Hendricks. As the Cubs chase World Series glory, the question remains: which repetitive tic should I focus on during Sunday night’s presidential debate to really drive up my drink count? My “producer” (who I guess is maybe the Prissy Minion?) tells me that this can’t be my opening question.

Well, okay, then. Here goes: The Bears face off against the Indianapolis Colts after defeating the Detroit Lions. Are the Indianapolis Colts a good team this year? I can’t use that as my opening question? I swear I’m not phoning this in! With Bears in the midst of what could laughably be called a “quarterback” controversy, two questions come to mind: Will the Bears repeat the keys to last week’s keys to success?

Sally: Joe Panik doubles on a line drive to left fielder Ben Zobrist.

Des: Or will today’s game be a contest determined by the team who makes the fewest unforced errors, like tonight’s presidential debates? Yes! I am unafraid to unleash false equivalencies!

Sally: Gregor Blanco doubles on a line drive to center fielder Dexter Fowler.

Des: To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Injured Relief” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae MacGillicutty, Drunky McDumbAss, and the football equivalent of every Cubs curse put together, Coach Marc Trestman.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Des, ye lack the discipline and the sense of timing necessary to successfully live blog a baseball game. Insert obvious comparison to the Chicago Bears.

Sally: Denard Span grounds out, second baseman Javier Baez to first baseman Anthony Rizzo. Gregor Blanco advances to third. Let’s turn now to the random poetry of Modre.

Modre: “Today’s fireplace torso logs burn not as brightly as the naked diodes of the light emitting truths of yesterday’s at bat ramblings that retire the side splitting laughter from the personification of the joke that isn’t funny anymore.”

Sally: Brandon Belt out on a sacrifice fly to center fielder Dexter Fowler. Gregor Blanco scores. Drunky McDumbAss. Belch out some insights, won’t you?

Drunky: Friend of the Show Fray-D-Cat posted a Facebook photo of a Chicagoland White Castle sign that reads, “New Ghost Pepper Sliders: How brave is your crave?”  It’s an interesting marketing strategy to embrace your greatest weakness that your food causes pain!

Des: I dare you to eat this sandwich! What are you, chicken? It’s actually no recognizable meat whatsoever.

Sally: Buster Posey grounds out, which retires the side. Giants cut the lead in half, 4 to 2. Concord Peabody. Envelope us in a fog of numbers.

Concord: Nate Silver gives Clinton an 81.3% chance of winning this election. Trump still has a 99.4% chance of winning Oklahoma, though. Go Trump!

Sally: Wow. A pitching change already. George Kontos. Prissy Minion. Provide some Des complimenture.

Prissy Minion: Des, your work contains a melancholic knowingness in that the things you mock are unbelievably sad.

Sally: Addison Russell grounds out, shortstop Brandon Crawford to first baseman Brandon Belt. Ellie Mae McGillicutty. What southern fried wisdom do you have for us today?

Ellie Mae: After a long day of avoiding awareness of the outside world, nothing goes down better than a tall glass of Pepsi. Filled with Jack Daniels. Forget the Pepsi.

Sally: Jason Heyward lines out.

Redbeard: ARRRH, this game be brought to you by Ghost Bed, because the nightmares that afflict my dreams are not terrifying enough as it is!

Sally: Javier Baez strikes out swinging… a very quick 3^rd inning for the Cubs batters, but they retain the lead: 4-2. Coach Trestman, what are you doing here?

Trestman: Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho! Like Joe Buck, my unwelcome lack of expertise extends beyond football to encompass baseball. As well. What must les ours petites do to emerge victorious? Get a pitcher who possess le anti-charisma and waste a lot of time and money trying to coax him to fulfill what is presumably his full potential. It worked for Jay Cutlair and me.

Sally: Hunter Pence pops out to catcher Wilson Contreras in foul territory.

Sally: Brandon Crawford grounds out, third basement Kris Bryant to first baseman Anthony Rizzo.

Des: I really don’t want to know what’s in Captain Redbeard’s third basement. Or Drunky McDumbAss’s. Or anyone’s from our football/baseball panel.

Concord: Forget a third basement. I would settle for a third room in my tiny, tiny apartment.

Sally: Angel Pagan singles on a line drive to pitcher Kyle Hendricks, who was hit by a 94 mile and hour pitch and will be replaced by Travis Wood. We step away for a commercial break.

Sally: We are back. Travis Wood on the mound, facing Gillaspie.

Sally: Travis Wood avenges the injuring of Hendricks by striking out Hendricks, retiring the Giants. Cubs still lead 4-2.

Sally: And we are back. We return to the bottom of the 4^th as the Cubs enjoy a 4-2 lead.

Ellie Mae: When I saw the Jack Daniels commercial where there are a bunch of people in chairs that represents the number of people born in Lynchburg, followed by a photo of only one person in a chair, I thought it was some sort of anti-NAFTA commercial by Donald Trump’s people. But then I thought: too subtle.

Sally: The good people at the MLB Network thought they were safe in running a taped bit while Cubs pitcher Travis Wood was up to bat, but then he hit a home run. Cubs lead 5-2.

Redbeard: ARRRRRRRRHHHHHHH! Me hearties…

Sally: Dexter Fowler flies out to right fielder Hunter Pence.

Ellie Mae: Pence? Yes, our next president after Trump is convicted of crimes to horrible to mention… less than 50 times per hour on our various news outlets.

Sally: Kris Bryant lines out to shortstop Brandon Crawford. Cubs expand their lead 5 to 2 at the conclusion of the 4^th inning.

Modre: Charles Schwab: Own your tomorrow. Tomorrow cannot be owned, it can, at best, be contained.

Sally: And we are back. Cubs lead 5-2, top of the 5^th inning of the second game of the NLDS series. Travis Wood strikes first, striking out Panik.

Trestman: Monsieur Desmond. Do you have me here to humiliate me solely for your own amusement?

Des: Oui.

Trestman: So I am your Chris Christie then. Je comprend, malheursement.

Sally: Pinch hitter Madison Bumgarner replaces George Kontos. And the inning ends in the time it takes for Des to type the previous sentence.

Drunky: I miss the giant taxi cabs that appear in the Bacardi commercial.

Sally: The bottom of the 5^th inning begins with another pitching change: Ty Blach replaces George Kontos.

Redbeard: ARRRRRHHHH! Who dares awaken me from my slumber? Oh, right. The multitude of my personal demons. When will I learn to project them onto the outside world?

Sally: Anthony Rizzon grounds out, third baseman Conor Gillaspie to first baseman Brandon Belt.

Des: It’s been said that Donald Trump has been foisted on us by the Russians. Can we get our revenge by foisting a Yakov Smirnoff candidacy?

Sally: That would result in a nuclear holocaust. Zobrist strikes out.

Des: A nuclear holocaust of laughter.

Sally: Addison Russell grounds out, third baseman Conor Gillaspie to first baseman Brandon Belt. We will be back after this word.

Des: And we are back with Cubs action. Did Tom Crusie’s line “Maybe I’ll rip your arm off and beat you to death with it” sound a little Manson-esque? Or Trump-esque?

Sally: That’s too subtle for Trump. It has a 5^th grade readability level. A Cubs pitching change starts off the 6^th inning. Carl Edwards Jr. replaces Travis Wood.

Drunky: Did someone say Smirnoff?

Sally: Go back to sleep, Drunky. Posey grounds out, shortstop Addison Russell to first baseman Anthony Rizzo.

Drunky: Has Trump set the bar so low that I can say whatever I want?

Sally: No. Pence grounds out, pitcher Carl Edwards Jr. to first baseman Anthony Rizzo.

Sally: Brandon Crawford singles on a line drive to left fielder Ben Zobrist.

Redbeard:

Angel Pagan grounds into a force out, thus retiring the side. Cubs lead 5-2.

Modre:

Drunky: Another commercial featuring a human sized taxi cab. What is it with this nostalgia for a time in which travel was enjoyable instead of a baffling, painful ordeal?

Jason Heyward strikes out swinging. Time now for a pitching change commercial break.

Concord: The DQ five dollar meal commercial reminds me that, back in my day, I could get a Wendy’s value meal for $3.18. Of course, I was making $3.25 an hour working at Sears.

Sally: Baseball is inexorably becoming like football with its replay and its inexplicable lawyerly rulings. I say this in response to Javier Baez being called out on second during a replay. Did he break the plane of the second base?

Pinch hitter Miguel Montero replaces Carl Edwards Jr.

Drunky: Carl’s Jr.? Has their owner figured out how to replace all of his employees with cyborgs, like he keeps threatening to do?

Sally: Yeah, they are all T-1000 food distribution droids all networked through Skynet. Montero flies out, ending the 6^th inning with the Cubs still maintaining a 5-2 lead.

Sally: Top of the 7^th, with Mike Montgomery pitching for the Cubs.

Concord: I’ve worked for all the failed department store chains: Montgomery Wards, K-Mart, Zayre’s, Robert Hall Village. They better keep me away from JC Penny.

Sally: Can I career counsel you to work for Wal-Mart? Kelby Tomlinson strikes out swinging.

Sally: Panik grounds out, second baseman Jason Baez to first baseman Antony Rizzo.

Sally: Pinch-hitter Eduardo Nunez replaces Santiago Casillia.

Sally: Eduardo Nunez lines out sharply to left fielder Ben Zobrist, which brings up the 7^th inning stretch, which we will not be able to see. Sadly, we will not hear the pipes of Jim Belushi.

Sally: Bottom of the 7^th, ladies and germs. Derek Law now pitching for the Giants.

Concord: The number of starting quarterbacks for the Bears exceeds the number of people living in Detroit.

Sally: Shouldn’t you have saved that fact for the Bears/Lions game? Fowler strikes out on a foul tip.

Des: What the hell is that home run graphic for Kris Bryant? That looks like the graphic for some fireworks related tragedy.

Concord: I like the Cubs fan who fails to catch the foul ball and chucks his empty beer on the field in disgust. Kris Bryant will trip over it at the top of next inning and suffer a career ending injury, causing the Cubs to lose this series.

Sally: Kris Bryant reaches on a fielding error by second baseman Joe Panik, prompting a pitching change.

Sally: Lopez takes over on the mound.

Sally: Anthony Rizzo grounds out, advancing Kris Bryant to second.

Sally: Ben Zobrist pops out to catcher Buster Posey in foul territory, prompting another terrible GEICO commercial. Well, we will step away at this point so that Captain Redbeard can inhale a gigantic mélange of food and booze in the 8^th inning and inflict his opinions on social media in the 9^th, thus reaching a much, much larger audience than this pre-game episode.

Bears vs. Lions: 10-1-2016

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions after a tough loss against Dallas in which the offense really turned on the heat… after it no longer mattered. With the Bears season once again over before it truly began, the only real question is, Will Kyle Hendricks’ pitching, and the hitting prowess of Kris Bryant and Anthony Rizzo finally bring the Cubs World Series glory? Or will the inconsistent pitching of Hector Rondon and Pedro Strop give some idiot Cubs fan the opportunity to steal another title from Chicago?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Gyruss” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae MacGillicutty, Drunky McDumbAss, and the biggest curse to afflict Chicago sports, excepting 108 years of Cubs history, former coach Marc Trestman.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! This be Week 4 of the NFL season, which can only mean that it be time for Captain Redbeard’s Chum Bucket of the NFL, the team that will fail to win a single game this season. There be four teams competing for this dubious honor, the New Orleans Saints, the Cleveland Browns, the Jacksonville Jaguars, and, for the second consecutive year, the Chicago Football Bears. ‘Twill be the Cleveland Browns that will go winless this year, as the Cavaliers drained all the winning magic from this doomed metropolis for the next millennia.

Sally: At least you didn’t pick on the Bears this year, Captain. They exceeded your expectations by going 6-10, which is six more games than you expected.

Redbeard: Aye, me beauteous maiden, but they’ve already lost to three bad teams. Luckily, there be 7 more terrible teams to go.

Sally: Coach Trestman. Where do the Bears go from here?

Trestman: Bon matin, mes amis! I have completed mon petit dejeuner avec le fruit cup. Your Jean Fox must become more like the Reynard trickster fox of French legend, the peasant-hero character who outsmarts the aristocracy and the clergy, although, given that Renard symbolizes the triumph of cunning over brute strength, it is perhaps not the best metaphor to be applied to le football American, n’est-ce-pas?

Sally: Lunging from a mockery of pseudo-intellectuals to its polar opposite, would you welcome—Ellie Mae McGillicutty.

Ellie: Excuse me while I chomp on a concoction of chewin’ tobaccy, Big League Chew, and an assortment of Fiddle Faddle and mystery giblets. Know what would go good with this?

Sally: A third-grade education?

Ellie: An endless loop of the one time Donald Trump burned Hillary Clinton in the first debate when he nailed her on NAFTA, or NASCAR, or whatever.

Sally: Prissy Minion. Provide us with inexplicable Des Pride.

Prissy Minion: Des’s football musings place him among the great prophets throughout history in that they are deliberate misinterpreted to suit the needs of our political and religious leaders.

Des: That is indeed a high standard to live up to. Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears battle the Lions for possession of the most disappointing legacy for their starting quarterback.

Bears vs. Cowboys: 9-24-2016

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Cowboys after a difficult loss to the surprisingly ascendant Philadelphia Eagles. Just like last year, and most likely the year before that, and the year before that, and the year before that… stretching back into countless infinity, the Bears enter Week 3 with their backup quarterback at the helm. Will the Bears defense take advantage of a rookie quarterback to give a badly depleted offense a short field? Or will tonight’s Bears game prove to be less compelling than a Bob Rohrman commercial during the Cubs game, which is also a Sunday Night game?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Mr. Do!” Red-beard, Modre, the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae McGillicutty, former Bears Coach Marc Trestman, and the terrifying night sweats of Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! What be your fixation with 1980s arcade games, Des? Ye lack the hand-eye coordination to successfully navigate “Pong”, let alone more challenging consoles, like “Tempest” or “Bowling.” ‘Tis naught but an unsuccessful attempt to distract me from the plight of the Bears or Trump. Des, ye’ve repeatedly said to no one in particular, that, if only the Democrats or Republicans had picked someone besides Clinton or Trump, that person would be running away with the election by now. Well, I have news for ye, Des: each party could have randomly chosen anyone and the score would still be 46 to 44, in the same way that the Bears could throw anyone in at quarterback, and that poor, miserable, parrot-loving blowfish would find himself with a career ending injury in the opening drive.

Des: Thank you, Captain. Before I punt the ball over to Sally LeChesty to take over as master of ceremonies, let’s check in with the Prissy Minion.

Prissy Minion: Oh, Des. Your pre-game episodes are a tragicomic relic of the pre-Trump era. Oops, I may have spoken too soon about things that are in your future, but which, to me, are in the distant past. 30 years from now, you’re going to start too many sentences with, “You have to understand, things were very different in the 2010s…”

Des: Are you the 12^th Prissy Minion? My favorite 21^st century Prissy is David Tennant, but the best 20^th century Minion was Charles Nelson Reilly. Sally, it’s First and Ten for you.

Sally: Des, that’s the clumsiest football handoff since… every Bears game in recent memory. Let's go live now to the man who is most responsible for burning terrible play calling into our collective memory cells, former Bears Coach Marc Trestman.

Trestman: Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho! Bonsoir, mon amis. And I can say that legiti-ment, for this is a game that takes place under the shroud of darkness, la nuit dimanche, if you will. After much consultation with your site-meter, it has not escape mon gaze piteous that you now have 8 reads this past week that originate from France, as opposed to 16 from les Etats-Unis, and two from Russia, for les raisons inconnues. Apparently, the quickest way to grow an international audience is through les racisme stereotypique. Insert obvious Trump reference. Why, I wonder, does not the Modre work similar magic?

Sally: Thank you, Coach. Would you welcome a stereotype that both repudiates and validates Trump: Ellie Mae McGillicutty.

Ellie: Clinton and Trump are inviting their opponent’s worst enemies to appear in the front row of Monday’s debate. That sounds like a typical McGillicutty divorce proceeding. Or wedding.

Sally: Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off against the Dallas Cowboys in a game that will not draw viewers from the Cubs seventh inning stretch performance, featuring the Wrigley Field Grounds Crew, and/or Jim Belushi’s 90^th appearance.

Bears vs. Eagles: 9-19-2016

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Philadelphia Eagles, another underperforming team with many, many problems. Will the Bears take this opportunity to slowly build their way to a 6-10 season? Or will Jay Cutler force the Bears to trade every draft pick until 2084 for the slim chance of getting Jimmy Garoppolo?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Robotron” Redbeard, Modre, the trans-Western Guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae McGillicutty, Drunky McDumbAss, and the extremely convenient scapegoat for everything bad that has happened to the Bears, past, present, and future, Marc Trestman.

Redbeard: ARRRRRRRRRRRRRH, mateys! If this be the second week of the Bears season, then it be time for Captain Redbeard’s Treasure Map to the Super Bowl! After slaying famed Sumerian aqua deity Tiamat, and making her ribs the vault of heaven and earth, I stole the Tablet of Destinies, of which it is said that he who holds the tablet, rules the universe. Sure, I could use the tablet to wield the power of the gods, but I choose to merely use it to predict the winners of divisional titles in the NFL.

Sally: Captain, that’s no Tablet of Destinies. That’s not even some terrible Android tablet that they sold at a K-Mart that went out of business six months ago. (But some misguided hipsters keep showing up there, thinking it’s some sort of kitschy retro dance club.) That’s just some random wood block that has a sketch of what appears to be Winnie the Pooh.

Redbeard: It brings me comfort. But, uh… ARRRRHHHHHHHH! Here be the Treasure Map to the Super Bowl: In the AFC, I foresee the Patriots, Steelers, Colts, and Chiefs grinding their opponents to dust beneath their cleated foot, with the Jets and Bengals emerging as the wild cards. As for the NFC, it could only be the Eagles, Packers, Falcons, and Seahawks who will lay waste to their divisional rivals, while the Panthers and Cardinals will do their best to catch up with wild card placements. How will this all end, you ask? With Donald Trump helming the Super Bowl halftime show featuring the Green Bay Packers as they defeat the New England in a game watched by no one.

Sally: A dystopian vision of things to come, as always, Captain. I think this is the 90th year you have chosen the New England Patriots to go to the Super Bowl. Do you have some sort of man-crush on the Patriots?

Redbeard: How dare ye?!? Nay, I just have a special affinity for the pitiless managerial style of Bill Belichick. Ye know he has some terrible hatred against all mankind that will never be quenched no matter how many Super Bowl rings he may collect.

Sally: Last year’s predictions weren’t too bad, Captain. Six of your twelve picks did make it to the playoffs. You did best with the AFC: Four out of six saw post-season action, but I would be deeply worried if I were one of your NFC picks. Last year, three of your four choices to win divisional championships ended their seasons with a 7-9 record.

Redbeard: Ye should be worried if you’re any NFC team that’s not named “Packers” or “Panthers.”

Sally: Coach Trestman, what lessons can be drawn from your disastrous tenure as the coach of the Chicago Bears?

Trestman: None that any coaching staff wishes to learn, mes petits chous! If we have learned anything from les quantum physiques, it is that you repeat your failures until they become successes. My keys to defeat could be John Fox’s soufflé of victory: hollow out the defense, play an excessively conservative offense, and randomly rearrange your players’ lockers for team-building purposes. The locker room reshuffling was my greatest achievement. And, non, do not succumb to the urge to make a “deck chairs on the Titanic” reference.

Sally: What accent is that? Pepe LePew? Concord Peabody. Put things in a statistical context.

Concord: The only “statistical context” I’m thinking about is how much gambling debt I’ll be in if Donald Trump wins the election. How could Clinton go from having a 90% chance of winning to 57%? Curse you, Nate Silver!

Ellie: Howdy, there, pig-nut lovers! I’m just letting the old pickup truck cool down, doing some heat transfer from the hood to the still that’s boiling up some good old fashioned mash potato-corn-Monsanto whiskey blindness fuel we’re gonna test out on the water supply of a Hillary Clinton political rally.

Sally: So… what are your thoughts about today’s Bears/Eagles game?

Ellie: When Trump is president, there will be no SAP button on the squawk box during the football game.

Modre: One must not forget that Tiamat gave birth to the eleven monsters of Babylonian legend: Venomous Snake, Great Dragon, Exalted Serpent, Furious Snake, the Hairy One, Big Weather Beast, Mad Lion, Scorpion Man, Violent Storms, Fish-Man, and Bull Man… or as I will someday refer to them: the greatest Japanese anime ever!

Sally: Let’s turn now to our own Scorpion-Bowl Man: Drunky McDumbass.

Drunky: Whoa.

Sally: Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a Monday Night Football game that will determine whether the Eagles win the NFC East division with a 7-9 record or a 6-10 record.

Bears vs. Texans: 9-11-2016

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Texans, for some reason. Will the Bears pull off a stunning upset against the champion of the AFC South (with a 9-7 record), or will a weak offensive line, a rebuilding defense, and less-than-special team put the Bears in position to face a Trump-esque defeat?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Mister Jaws” Red-beard, Modre, the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae McGillicutty, former Bears Coach Marc Trestman, and the bed spinning insights of Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Normally, I’d be citing the prophetic revelations of obscure deities lost in the mists of history to determine how the Bears will do this season, but there be no need in the 2016 season, for the mandarins who govern the NFL have decreed that the Bears shall have an easier schedule than a college freshman whose drunken stumblings have mathematically eliminated him from pursuing a degree in late September. Indeed, the Bears only play against 4 teams who earned a winning record last year, and two of those teams are in the NFC North, so the Monsters of the Midway have no choice but to play those teams. But I digress.  

The Bears will go 10-6 this year, defeating the Texans, Eagles, Cowboys, Jaguars, Buccaneers, Giants, Titans, 49ers, and split the Lions. They will also defeat the Washington team whose owner has probably endorsed Trump by now. Unfortunately, the Bears will experience difficulty against the Colts, Packers and Vikings. Still, the 10-6 record will give Chicago fans false hope until they face a slightly more competent opposition next year, not unlike what the Democrats will experience the next two years.

Sally: That’s some really subtle political commentary, Captain.

Redbeard: Thank ye for opening the door wide enough for me to shoot a cannon through, matey! Before discussing Trump, let me get Godwin’s Law out of the way: Hitler! Hitler! Hitler! Now that I’ve dispensed with that, allow me to express me admiration for future President Trump’s managerial style: As a fellow aspiring symbol for evil incarnate, I can’t help but respect Trump’s open embrace of political darkness with his choices for campaign advisers: Roger Ailes, Steve Bannon, and David Bossie. ‘Twould be as though Lex Luthor ran for president and openly put Sinestro, Gorilla Grod, and Brainiac as his campaign advisors! I’ve tried to create me own League of Bearded Evil without success, featuring meself, Blackbeard, and, uh, probably… Bluebeard? Although now that I think about it, Des, ye’ve got a pretty good panel of evil going on yerself with this blog.

Sally: Is gross incompetence a form of evil? If so, would you welcome, for the first time: former Bears coach Marc Trestman!

Trestman: Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho! Les bons kudos, mon ami Desmond for taking the comedic gesture of—uh, instead of taking the easy way out and hiring a person who is, uh, how you say “successful” as a Bears performer—uh, player, is the word—un jouer, if you will, like your Mike Ditkas, or your, how you say, Thomas Waddle, or Brian Urlachers, your legends of Bears Football. You have turned instead to one of your greatest failures of the Chicago football Bears, by which I mean myself, Monsieur Marc Trestman, former Chicago Bears coach—leader—the helmsmen, if you will, of the Bears through their worst, darkest period. 

Sally: Coach, why do you suddenly have a French accent? You never had one when you were the coach of the Bears.

Trestman: Why do I suddenly have the accent francais? Is that the question that is troubling you? It is because I was once the coach of the Montreal Allouettes before coming to befoul your Chicago football Bears. That is the weak buttress, the weak conceit if you will, that is buttressing this comedy, which is not—it is not, how you say, “analogous”, if you will, to the buttress of the Notre Dame Cathedral which your pathetic Trump Towers are but not but an echo. Monsieur Le Trump, you should know that quantity does not overtake the quality. But I digress. And now that I have concluded the main focus of my visit, which is to introduce my character to you, the reader/listener, let us now turn to what I do not wish to forget: my analysis of Chicago Bears recent struggles, which is also important, and soon to be enchanting, will come now.

I am sure is your unspoken question: How is the Jay Cutlair cette dimanche? He is one who cannot be coached, who lacks the je ne sais quoi that your most elementary Pere Warner American footballer receives along with your eye make-up and the mouth guard. It is true I had a hand in his ruination when I told him to throw the ball 20 yards when I meant 20 meters. The metric conversions were always a sore spot. It is true that when I was consumed with the anger and frustration that I would become a spewing volcano of angry French profanity. But when I would communicate with the flash cards, the results would be no different.

Sally: Thank you, Coach.

Trestman: I would hold up the two flash cards. One with the Bears receiver and a smiley face underneath it and one with an opposing defender on it with a circle-slash mark through it like a Mille Bornes card, but nothing would work. I could not break through the cultural impasse.

Sally: Let’s turn now to another commentator with unique speech patterns: Concord Peabody.

Concord: The Bears have the most wins in season opening games, the most of any NFL team. Granted, the Bears and Packers were the only two NFL teams in existence from 1840 to 1960, but that’s still a proud tradition to build on!

Concord: But let’s turn to the present: With no ground game to speak of, Jay Cutler will rely solely on an air attack this Sunday. A one-dimensional offensive strategy never fails—in football, on the battlefield, in the corporate world…

Sally: …and in comedy. Drunky McDumbAss! How’s it going in tailgate land?

Drunky: Hillary Clinton was specifically talking to me when she mentioned a “basket of deplorables”, which is what I usually buy at the liquor store.

Sally: And I thought “basket of deplorables” referred to the Bears offense. Ellie Mae McGillicutty. Your, uh, “thoughts.”

Ellie: Hillary Clinton called us Trump fans a “basket of deplorables”, which sounds like some weird compliment the Prissy Minion would give to Des.

Prissy Minion: Thank you.

Ellie: The insult was meaningless. It was like water rolling off a duck’s back, if by “water” you mean “Jack Daniels”, and by “duck” you mean “the numerous chickens I stole from the neighbor’s farm”. No, us Trumpinators get insulted every day—on social media, at work, whenever we watch anything on TV that’s not Fox News, by the one college graduate who hasn’t left town yet…

Sally: Isn’t a “basket of deplorables” how Dr. Seuss described the Grinch?

Ellie: Exactly. It’s the Jon Stewart version of Lindsay Graham, “I declare, you, suh, are a cad, a rouge, and just a—just a—basket of deplorables! Good day, suh!”

Sally: Prissy Minion. It’s finally your turn.

Prissy: Oh, Des, who is strangely absent for most of this episode. You’re a basket of deplorables I would hunt for every Easter Sunday.

Sally: Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off against the Houston Texans, a team they have never beaten. But I thought the Generals were due!

Bears vs. Texans: 9-11-2016

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Texans, for some reason. Will the Bears pull off a stunning upset against the champion of the AFC South (with a 9-7 record), or will a weak offensive line, a rebuilding defense, and less-than-special team put the Bears in position to face a Trump-esque defeat?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Mister Jaws” Red-beard, Modre, the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae McGillicutty, former Bears Coach Marc Trestman, and the bed spinning insights of Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Normally, I’d be citing the prophetic revelations of obscure deities lost in the mists of history to determine how the Bears will do this season, but there be no need in the 2016 season, for the mandarins who govern the NFL have decreed that the Bears shall have an easier schedule than a college freshman whose drunken stumblings have mathematically eliminated him from pursuing a degree in late September. Indeed, the Bears only play against 4 teams who earned a winning record last year, and two of those teams are in the NFC North, so the Monsters of the Midway have no choice but to play those teams. But I digress.  

The Bears will go 10-6 this year, defeating the Texans, Eagles, Cowboys, Jaguars, Buccaneers, Giants, Titans, 49ers, and split the Lions. They will also defeat the Washington team whose owner has probably endorsed Trump by now. Unfortunately, the Bears will experience difficulty against the Colts, Packers and Vikings. Still, the 10-6 record will give Chicago fans false hope until they face a slightly more competent opposition next year, not unlike what the Democrats will experience the next two years.

Sally: That’s some really subtle political commentary, Captain.

Redbeard: Thank ye for opening the door wide enough for me to shoot a cannon through, matey! Before discussing Trump, let me get Godwin’s Law out of the way: Hitler! Hitler! Hitler! Now that I’ve dispensed with that, allow me to express me admiration for future President Trump’s managerial style: As a fellow aspiring symbol for evil incarnate, I can’t help but respect Trump’s open embrace of political darkness with his choices for campaign advisers: Roger Ailes, Steve Bannon, and David Bossie. ‘Twould be as though Lex Luthor ran for president and openly put Sinestro, Gorilla Grod, and Brainiac as his campaign advisors! I’ve tried to create me own League of Bearded Evil without success, featuring meself, Blackbeard, and, uh, probably… Bluebeard? Although now that I think about it, Des, ye’ve got a pretty good panel of evil going on yerself with this blog.

Sally: Is gross incompetence a form of evil? If so, would you welcome, for the first time: former Bears coach Marc Trestman!

Trestman: Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho! Les bons kudos, mon ami Desmond for taking the comedic gesture of—uh, instead of taking the easy way out and hiring a person who is, uh, how you say “successful” as a Bears performer—uh, player, is the word—un jouer, if you will, like your Mike Ditkas, or your, how you say, Thomas Waddle, or Brian Urlachers, your legends of Bears Football. You have turned instead to one of your greatest failures of the Chicago football Bears, by which I mean myself, Monsieur Marc Trestman, former Chicago Bears coach—leader—the helmsmen, if you will, of the Bears through their worst, darkest period. 

Sally: Coach, why do you suddenly have a French accent? You never had one when you were the coach of the Bears.

Trestman: Why do I suddenly have the accent francais? Is that the question that is troubling you? It is because I was once the coach of the Montreal Allouettes before coming to befoul your Chicago football Bears. That is the weak buttress, the weak conceit if you will, that is buttressing this comedy, which is not—it is not, how you say, “analogous”, if you will, to the buttress of the Notre Dame Cathedral which your pathetic Trump Towers are but not but an echo. Monsieur Le Trump, you should know that quantity does not overtake the quality. But I digress. And now that I have concluded the main focus of my visit, which is to introduce my character to you, the reader/listener, let us now turn to what I do not wish to forget: my analysis of Chicago Bears recent struggles, which is also important, and soon to be enchanting, will come now.

I am sure is your unspoken question: How is the Jay Cutlair cette dimanche? He is one who cannot be coached, who lacks the je ne sais quoi that your most elementary Pere Warner American footballer receives along with your eye make-up and the mouth guard. It is true I had a hand in his ruination when I told him to throw the ball 20 yards when I meant 20 meters. The metric conversions were always a sore spot. It is true that when I was consumed with the anger and frustration that I would become a spewing volcano of angry French profanity. But when I would communicate with the flash cards, the results would be no different.

Sally: Thank you, Coach.

Trestman: I would hold up the two flash cards. One with the Bears receiver and a smiley face underneath it and one with an opposing defender on it with a circle-slash mark through it like a Mille Bornes card, but nothing would work. I could not break through the cultural impasse.

Sally: Let’s turn now to another commentator with unique speech patterns: Concord Peabody.

Concord: The Bears have the most wins in season opening games, the most of any NFL team. Granted, the Bears and Packers were the only two NFL teams in existence from 1840 to 1960, but that’s still a proud tradition to build on!

Concord: But let’s turn to the present: With no ground game to speak of, Jay Cutler will rely solely on an air attack this Sunday. A one-dimensional offensive strategy never fails—in football, on the battlefield, in the corporate world…

Sally: …and in comedy. Drunky McDumbAss! How’s it going in tailgate land?

Drunky: Hillary Clinton was specifically talking to me when she mentioned a “basket of deplorables”, which is what I usually buy at the liquor store.

Sally: And I thought “basket of deplorables” referred to the Bears offense. Ellie Mae McGillicutty. Your, uh, “thoughts.”

Ellie: Hillary Clinton called us Trump fans a “basket of deplorables”, which sounds like some weird compliment the Prissy Minion would give to Des.

Prissy Minion: Thank you.

Ellie: The insult was meaningless. It was like water rolling off a duck’s back, if by “water” you mean “Jack Daniels”, and by “duck” you mean “the numerous chickens I stole from the neighbor’s farm”. No, us Trumpinators get insulted every day—on social media, at work, whenever we watch anything on TV that’s not Fox News, by the one college graduate who hasn’t left town yet…

Sally: Isn’t a “basket of deplorables” how Dr. Seuss described the Grinch?

Ellie: Exactly. It’s the Jon Stewart version of Lindsay Graham, “I declare, you, suh, are a cad, a rouge, and just a—just a—basket of deplorables! Good day, suh!”

Sally: Prissy Minion. It’s finally your turn.

Prissy: Oh, Des, who is strangely absent for most of this episode. You’re a basket of deplorables I would hunt for every Easter Sunday.

Sally: Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off against the Houston Texans, a team they have never beaten. But I thought the Generals were due!