Bears vs. Seahawks: September 17, 2018

Des: So, last year, we didn’t perform a ton of Bears episodes, aside from our three token presentations: the Bears season prediction episode, the treasure map to the Super Bowl outing, and our Chum Bucket of the NFL selection. With all of the controversies about concussions and protesting police brutality during the National Anthem and the Bears continuing to be mediocre at best, football was not a fertile field for comedy for us last year.

Sally: Along with destroying everything else that’s good about America, and humanity in general, Trump destroyed comedy by making it impossible to exaggerate anything for comedic effect.

Des: Trump far exceeded my standard New Year’s resolution to single handedly bring down America’s Gross National Product. And I deliberately use “National” instead of “Domestic.” I’m no globalist!

Sally: However, given the comedy maxim “tragedy plus time equals comedy”… even while the tragedy is still ongoing… we thought it was time to try to pick up where we left off.

Des: Too soon?

Sally: Always.

Des: Excellent! So let’s give this a shot… of Jack Daniels… Honey Whiskey. Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Seahawks after a heartbreaking loss to the Green Bay Packers. Or it would be heartbreaking if I were not already numbed after numerous losses to our hated Lumbermen of the North. Will the Bears defeat one other team besides the New York Giants? Or will Chicago fans have naught to look forward to after the Cubs emerge triumphant against the Red Sox in this year’s World Series?

To answer these, and similar questions, is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody. Captain Silas Charles “Wandy” Redbeard. Modre, the trans-Western Guru. Drunky McDumb-Ass. Dr. Sally McChesty.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Last year, I had forsaken all of my aquatic deities when I unrolled the Treasure Map to the Super Bowl after tracing it on butcher paper from an overhead projector I used during a Ted Talk on Piracy in the 21^st Century. I mostly just staggered around on stage mumbling random things about unfurling your inner Jolly Roger and don’t be afraid to falsely cry “Land Ho!” from your metaphorical crow’s nest after burning the ladder. After various homemade anti-psychotic medications deprived me of my prophetic visions, only two of my picks went on to the playoffs: the Patriots and the Falcons. This year, I have returned to the celestial well filled to bursting with the tears of Poseidon, Tethys, Neptune, Aquaman, and various Kraken to carve this year’s Treasure Map to the Super Bowl on the walls of the National Archives. Or maybe it was a closed down Sears. Anyway:

Gazing upon the broken wreck that is the AFC, I foresee the Bills, Ravens, Titans, and Chargers dominating their divisions in the sense that they won by one or two games, with the Patriots and Steelers sneaking into the playoffs like a thief in the night as Wild Card Winners.

Meanwhile, in the NFC, I envision the Cowboys, Lions, Panthers, and Seahawks conquering their division by winning more games than the others, with the Eagles and Vikings conniving their way into the Wild Card Round with the style and finesse of a used car salesman.

And now for the outcome that is more predictable than every John Hughes movie: the Patriots will defeat the Panthers in a rematch of one of at least ten Super Bowls in the previous decade.

Des: Captain, you’ve picked the Patriots to win every Super Bowl in the 21^st Century.

Redbeard: Aye! And I’ve been right 90% of the time. Given how often and predictably the Patriots win the Super Bowl, I wonder why anyone bothers to watch. It can’t be the halftime show, and the last Super Bowl commercial to pierce my rum induced haze was Bud Bowl V, when a case of Falstaff beer annihilated a hapless team of Bud Bock scab players. At least that’s how I remember the 1990s.

Des: Thank you, Captain. Let’s check in with Concord Wainwright Peabody.

Concord: I have reimagined my character as providing weirdly inappropriately mechanistic coaching strategies.

Des: Why don’t you just say “obsessive compulsive” coaching strategies?

Concord: That is deeply offensive! This week’s strategy for the Bears is to overcome the single dimensionality of Bears quarterbacks by using three quarterbacks: One for the first three quarters, a relief quarterback for the fourth quarter, or sooner, once the opposing defense has completely figured out Trubisky, then they should use a third quarterback that specializes in high speed two minute offense. It works in baseball.

Sally: Thank you, Concord. End transmission.

Bears vs. Jaguars: 10-16-2016

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. This pre-game show is being written as the Captain Redbeard Bears Tailgate Extravamaganza begins episode 2 of its ongoing series of watching the Cubs post-season play while occasionally commenting on the Bears. We will be observing innings 5 and 6 of NLCS game 1 against the Los Angeles Dodgers. Where are we watching this, everybody? The Ground Round? Wag’s? Do those places even exist anymore?

So…the Bears face off against the Jacksonville Jaguars after a forgettable loss against the Indianapolis Colts. Will the Bears be able to recapture a television audience once the Cubs complete their quest for a World Series championship? Or will there be yet another opening for yet another comic book based TV series on Netflix?

Sally: Enrique Hernandez lines out sharply to shortstop Addison Russell.

Des: To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Ungalunga” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae MacGillicutty, Drunky McDumbAss, and football’s answer to Charlie Brown, Coach Marc Trestman.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Deep within this ancient mariner’s heart lies the hope that all the celebrities attending tonight’s Cubs game will sing a 10 minute long version of “We Are the World” during the 7^th inning stretch. ‘Twould truly be a most memorable sea chanty.

Sally: Joc Peterson bunt grounds out to third baseman Kris Bryant to first baseman Anthony Rizzo. Pinch-hitter Andre Ethier replaces Kenta Maeda.

Modre: When ancient curses die upon the lathe of the Coke bottle Malcolm X glasses of tomorrow’s retro style councils, who will remain to taste the remaining ash can Budweiser of a thousand Harry Caray statues clapping and singing a tune that can never die?

Sally: I don’t know. Drunky McDumbAss? Andre Ethier homers on a fly ball to left center field.

Drunky: Having been banned for life from all of Wrigleyville, I’m watching tonight’s deep within a Trump rally in New Hampshire.

Sally: Again with the Trump reference. Howie Kendrick grounds out to shortstop Addison Russell to first baseman Anthony Russell, which ends the top of the fifth inning.

Concord: Nate Silver gives Clinton an 85.5% chance of winning this election, up 4% from last week. There may still be 4 or 5 people left in America who Trump hasn’t personally insulted or sued yet. Go Trump!

Sally: The bottom of the fifth inning begins with a pitching change. Pedro Baez replaces Kenta Maeda, batting 9^th, replacing Andre Ethier

Prissy Minion: Kenda? As in Joe Kenda, of Homicide Hunter fame? His rich baritone reminds me of your singing voice, Des. Or Leonard Nimoy’s.

Sally: Kris Bryant walks.

Ellie Mae: I support Trump because he will pardon the cast of Duck Dynasty for crimes they are likely to commit in the future.

Sally: Anthony Rizzo strikes out swinging.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Forget what I said about Chicago celebrities performing We Are the World. For my Chum Bucket list, I would like to see Chicago’s Finest sing a medley of all the classic sea-chanties: Donovan’s Atlantis, Grand Funk Railroad’s I’m Your Captain, Adam Ant’s Jolly Roger…

Sally: Wait. Wouldn’t a Chum Bucket List be a list of things you would want to avoid in life at all costs? We should perhaps explore this concept in our New Year’s Eve episode. Ben Zobrist pops out to third baseman Justin Turner.

Trestman: Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho! The Toronto Blue Jays will be Canada’s revenge against American baseball. Also, we have already sealed our border to prevent the escape of Trump-related refugees. I leave it to you, the audience, to determine what I am darkly referring to.

Sally: Addison Russell strikes out, which retires the side.

Sally: And we begin the sixth inning.

Ellie Mae: Hillary Clinton had John Lennon killed so she could have Yoko all to herself.

Sally: That was delightfully random. Justin Turner flies out to right fielder Jason Heyward.

Redbeard: ARRRRRRRRHHHHHHH! I have expanded my list of demands to the 7^th inning stretch singers to include the Gilligan’s Island and Love Boat themes.

Sally: Yasiel Puig grounds out to first baseman Anthony Rizzo to pitcher John Lester. And that retires the side! Cubs still up 3-1.

Sally: And we are back at the bottom of the sixth. After hearing Just the Two of Us and If You Want to Sing Out, Sing Out being used in commercials, are there any good songs that haven’t been strip mined by Madison Avenue?

Modre: It’s Halloween, by the Shaggs? Oh, wait. I think I heard that on an M & M’s commercial.

Sally: Jason Heyward flies out to left fielder Howie Kendrick.

Sally: Javier Baez doubles on a line drive to right fielder Yasiel Puig.

Drunky: Shouldn’t the horrible Buster Posey commercials end when his team is knocked out of the playoffs?

Sally: David Ross strikes out swinging. Pinch-hitter Jorge Soler replaces Jon Lester.

Prissy Minion: I thoroughly enjoy the complete lack of connection between the events of the Cubs game and the random comments of our sports panel. Truly, Des, this is the Scarborough Fair/Canticle of comedy, in that it’s an unintentional critique of the Vietnam War.

Sally: Soler grounds out, which ends the 6^th inning, and also concludes our appearance on the Bears pre-game show. End transmission.

Bears vs Colts: 10-9-2016

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. This pre-game show is being written as the Captain Redbeard Bears Tailgate Extravamaganza is watching the Cubs play at the NLDS game 2 against the San Francisco baseball Giants. Where are we watching this, everybody? John’s Garage? The Snuggery? Do those places even exist anymore?

Anyway, we are coming to you live, beginning with the third inning after the Cubs jump ahead to a 4-0 lead, hopefully making it super-easy for Hendricks. As the Cubs chase World Series glory, the question remains: which repetitive tic should I focus on during Sunday night’s presidential debate to really drive up my drink count? My “producer” (who I guess is maybe the Prissy Minion?) tells me that this can’t be my opening question.

Well, okay, then. Here goes: The Bears face off against the Indianapolis Colts after defeating the Detroit Lions. Are the Indianapolis Colts a good team this year? I can’t use that as my opening question? I swear I’m not phoning this in! With Bears in the midst of what could laughably be called a “quarterback” controversy, two questions come to mind: Will the Bears repeat the keys to last week’s keys to success?

Sally: Joe Panik doubles on a line drive to left fielder Ben Zobrist.

Des: Or will today’s game be a contest determined by the team who makes the fewest unforced errors, like tonight’s presidential debates? Yes! I am unafraid to unleash false equivalencies!

Sally: Gregor Blanco doubles on a line drive to center fielder Dexter Fowler.

Des: To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Injured Relief” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae MacGillicutty, Drunky McDumbAss, and the football equivalent of every Cubs curse put together, Coach Marc Trestman.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Des, ye lack the discipline and the sense of timing necessary to successfully live blog a baseball game. Insert obvious comparison to the Chicago Bears.

Sally: Denard Span grounds out, second baseman Javier Baez to first baseman Anthony Rizzo. Gregor Blanco advances to third. Let’s turn now to the random poetry of Modre.

Modre: “Today’s fireplace torso logs burn not as brightly as the naked diodes of the light emitting truths of yesterday’s at bat ramblings that retire the side splitting laughter from the personification of the joke that isn’t funny anymore.”

Sally: Brandon Belt out on a sacrifice fly to center fielder Dexter Fowler. Gregor Blanco scores. Drunky McDumbAss. Belch out some insights, won’t you?

Drunky: Friend of the Show Fray-D-Cat posted a Facebook photo of a Chicagoland White Castle sign that reads, “New Ghost Pepper Sliders: How brave is your crave?”  It’s an interesting marketing strategy to embrace your greatest weakness that your food causes pain!

Des: I dare you to eat this sandwich! What are you, chicken? It’s actually no recognizable meat whatsoever.

Sally: Buster Posey grounds out, which retires the side. Giants cut the lead in half, 4 to 2. Concord Peabody. Envelope us in a fog of numbers.

Concord: Nate Silver gives Clinton an 81.3% chance of winning this election. Trump still has a 99.4% chance of winning Oklahoma, though. Go Trump!

Sally: Wow. A pitching change already. George Kontos. Prissy Minion. Provide some Des complimenture.

Prissy Minion: Des, your work contains a melancholic knowingness in that the things you mock are unbelievably sad.

Sally: Addison Russell grounds out, shortstop Brandon Crawford to first baseman Brandon Belt. Ellie Mae McGillicutty. What southern fried wisdom do you have for us today?

Ellie Mae: After a long day of avoiding awareness of the outside world, nothing goes down better than a tall glass of Pepsi. Filled with Jack Daniels. Forget the Pepsi.

Sally: Jason Heyward lines out.

Redbeard: ARRRH, this game be brought to you by Ghost Bed, because the nightmares that afflict my dreams are not terrifying enough as it is!

Sally: Javier Baez strikes out swinging… a very quick 3^rd inning for the Cubs batters, but they retain the lead: 4-2. Coach Trestman, what are you doing here?

Trestman: Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho! Like Joe Buck, my unwelcome lack of expertise extends beyond football to encompass baseball. As well. What must les ours petites do to emerge victorious? Get a pitcher who possess le anti-charisma and waste a lot of time and money trying to coax him to fulfill what is presumably his full potential. It worked for Jay Cutlair and me.

Sally: Hunter Pence pops out to catcher Wilson Contreras in foul territory.

Sally: Brandon Crawford grounds out, third basement Kris Bryant to first baseman Anthony Rizzo.

Des: I really don’t want to know what’s in Captain Redbeard’s third basement. Or Drunky McDumbAss’s. Or anyone’s from our football/baseball panel.

Concord: Forget a third basement. I would settle for a third room in my tiny, tiny apartment.

Sally: Angel Pagan singles on a line drive to pitcher Kyle Hendricks, who was hit by a 94 mile and hour pitch and will be replaced by Travis Wood. We step away for a commercial break.

Sally: We are back. Travis Wood on the mound, facing Gillaspie.

Sally: Travis Wood avenges the injuring of Hendricks by striking out Hendricks, retiring the Giants. Cubs still lead 4-2.

Sally: And we are back. We return to the bottom of the 4^th as the Cubs enjoy a 4-2 lead.

Ellie Mae: When I saw the Jack Daniels commercial where there are a bunch of people in chairs that represents the number of people born in Lynchburg, followed by a photo of only one person in a chair, I thought it was some sort of anti-NAFTA commercial by Donald Trump’s people. But then I thought: too subtle.

Sally: The good people at the MLB Network thought they were safe in running a taped bit while Cubs pitcher Travis Wood was up to bat, but then he hit a home run. Cubs lead 5-2.

Redbeard: ARRRRRRRRHHHHHHH! Me hearties…

Sally: Dexter Fowler flies out to right fielder Hunter Pence.

Ellie Mae: Pence? Yes, our next president after Trump is convicted of crimes to horrible to mention… less than 50 times per hour on our various news outlets.

Sally: Kris Bryant lines out to shortstop Brandon Crawford. Cubs expand their lead 5 to 2 at the conclusion of the 4^th inning.

Modre: Charles Schwab: Own your tomorrow. Tomorrow cannot be owned, it can, at best, be contained.

Sally: And we are back. Cubs lead 5-2, top of the 5^th inning of the second game of the NLDS series. Travis Wood strikes first, striking out Panik.

Trestman: Monsieur Desmond. Do you have me here to humiliate me solely for your own amusement?

Des: Oui.

Trestman: So I am your Chris Christie then. Je comprend, malheursement.

Sally: Pinch hitter Madison Bumgarner replaces George Kontos. And the inning ends in the time it takes for Des to type the previous sentence.

Drunky: I miss the giant taxi cabs that appear in the Bacardi commercial.

Sally: The bottom of the 5^th inning begins with another pitching change: Ty Blach replaces George Kontos.

Redbeard: ARRRRRHHHH! Who dares awaken me from my slumber? Oh, right. The multitude of my personal demons. When will I learn to project them onto the outside world?

Sally: Anthony Rizzon grounds out, third baseman Conor Gillaspie to first baseman Brandon Belt.

Des: It’s been said that Donald Trump has been foisted on us by the Russians. Can we get our revenge by foisting a Yakov Smirnoff candidacy?

Sally: That would result in a nuclear holocaust. Zobrist strikes out.

Des: A nuclear holocaust of laughter.

Sally: Addison Russell grounds out, third baseman Conor Gillaspie to first baseman Brandon Belt. We will be back after this word.

Des: And we are back with Cubs action. Did Tom Crusie’s line “Maybe I’ll rip your arm off and beat you to death with it” sound a little Manson-esque? Or Trump-esque?

Sally: That’s too subtle for Trump. It has a 5^th grade readability level. A Cubs pitching change starts off the 6^th inning. Carl Edwards Jr. replaces Travis Wood.

Drunky: Did someone say Smirnoff?

Sally: Go back to sleep, Drunky. Posey grounds out, shortstop Addison Russell to first baseman Anthony Rizzo.

Drunky: Has Trump set the bar so low that I can say whatever I want?

Sally: No. Pence grounds out, pitcher Carl Edwards Jr. to first baseman Anthony Rizzo.

Sally: Brandon Crawford singles on a line drive to left fielder Ben Zobrist.

Redbeard:

Angel Pagan grounds into a force out, thus retiring the side. Cubs lead 5-2.

Modre:

Drunky: Another commercial featuring a human sized taxi cab. What is it with this nostalgia for a time in which travel was enjoyable instead of a baffling, painful ordeal?

Jason Heyward strikes out swinging. Time now for a pitching change commercial break.

Concord: The DQ five dollar meal commercial reminds me that, back in my day, I could get a Wendy’s value meal for $3.18. Of course, I was making $3.25 an hour working at Sears.

Sally: Baseball is inexorably becoming like football with its replay and its inexplicable lawyerly rulings. I say this in response to Javier Baez being called out on second during a replay. Did he break the plane of the second base?

Pinch hitter Miguel Montero replaces Carl Edwards Jr.

Drunky: Carl’s Jr.? Has their owner figured out how to replace all of his employees with cyborgs, like he keeps threatening to do?

Sally: Yeah, they are all T-1000 food distribution droids all networked through Skynet. Montero flies out, ending the 6^th inning with the Cubs still maintaining a 5-2 lead.

Sally: Top of the 7^th, with Mike Montgomery pitching for the Cubs.

Concord: I’ve worked for all the failed department store chains: Montgomery Wards, K-Mart, Zayre’s, Robert Hall Village. They better keep me away from JC Penny.

Sally: Can I career counsel you to work for Wal-Mart? Kelby Tomlinson strikes out swinging.

Sally: Panik grounds out, second baseman Jason Baez to first baseman Antony Rizzo.

Sally: Pinch-hitter Eduardo Nunez replaces Santiago Casillia.

Sally: Eduardo Nunez lines out sharply to left fielder Ben Zobrist, which brings up the 7^th inning stretch, which we will not be able to see. Sadly, we will not hear the pipes of Jim Belushi.

Sally: Bottom of the 7^th, ladies and germs. Derek Law now pitching for the Giants.

Concord: The number of starting quarterbacks for the Bears exceeds the number of people living in Detroit.

Sally: Shouldn’t you have saved that fact for the Bears/Lions game? Fowler strikes out on a foul tip.

Des: What the hell is that home run graphic for Kris Bryant? That looks like the graphic for some fireworks related tragedy.

Concord: I like the Cubs fan who fails to catch the foul ball and chucks his empty beer on the field in disgust. Kris Bryant will trip over it at the top of next inning and suffer a career ending injury, causing the Cubs to lose this series.

Sally: Kris Bryant reaches on a fielding error by second baseman Joe Panik, prompting a pitching change.

Sally: Lopez takes over on the mound.

Sally: Anthony Rizzo grounds out, advancing Kris Bryant to second.

Sally: Ben Zobrist pops out to catcher Buster Posey in foul territory, prompting another terrible GEICO commercial. Well, we will step away at this point so that Captain Redbeard can inhale a gigantic mélange of food and booze in the 8^th inning and inflict his opinions on social media in the 9^th, thus reaching a much, much larger audience than this pre-game episode.

Bears vs. Lions: 10-1-2016

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions after a tough loss against Dallas in which the offense really turned on the heat… after it no longer mattered. With the Bears season once again over before it truly began, the only real question is, Will Kyle Hendricks’ pitching, and the hitting prowess of Kris Bryant and Anthony Rizzo finally bring the Cubs World Series glory? Or will the inconsistent pitching of Hector Rondon and Pedro Strop give some idiot Cubs fan the opportunity to steal another title from Chicago?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Gyruss” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae MacGillicutty, Drunky McDumbAss, and the biggest curse to afflict Chicago sports, excepting 108 years of Cubs history, former coach Marc Trestman.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! This be Week 4 of the NFL season, which can only mean that it be time for Captain Redbeard’s Chum Bucket of the NFL, the team that will fail to win a single game this season. There be four teams competing for this dubious honor, the New Orleans Saints, the Cleveland Browns, the Jacksonville Jaguars, and, for the second consecutive year, the Chicago Football Bears. ‘Twill be the Cleveland Browns that will go winless this year, as the Cavaliers drained all the winning magic from this doomed metropolis for the next millennia.

Sally: At least you didn’t pick on the Bears this year, Captain. They exceeded your expectations by going 6-10, which is six more games than you expected.

Redbeard: Aye, me beauteous maiden, but they’ve already lost to three bad teams. Luckily, there be 7 more terrible teams to go.

Sally: Coach Trestman. Where do the Bears go from here?

Trestman: Bon matin, mes amis! I have completed mon petit dejeuner avec le fruit cup. Your Jean Fox must become more like the Reynard trickster fox of French legend, the peasant-hero character who outsmarts the aristocracy and the clergy, although, given that Renard symbolizes the triumph of cunning over brute strength, it is perhaps not the best metaphor to be applied to le football American, n’est-ce-pas?

Sally: Lunging from a mockery of pseudo-intellectuals to its polar opposite, would you welcome—Ellie Mae McGillicutty.

Ellie: Excuse me while I chomp on a concoction of chewin’ tobaccy, Big League Chew, and an assortment of Fiddle Faddle and mystery giblets. Know what would go good with this?

Sally: A third-grade education?

Ellie: An endless loop of the one time Donald Trump burned Hillary Clinton in the first debate when he nailed her on NAFTA, or NASCAR, or whatever.

Sally: Prissy Minion. Provide us with inexplicable Des Pride.

Prissy Minion: Des’s football musings place him among the great prophets throughout history in that they are deliberate misinterpreted to suit the needs of our political and religious leaders.

Des: That is indeed a high standard to live up to. Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears battle the Lions for possession of the most disappointing legacy for their starting quarterback.

Bears vs. Cowboys: 9-24-2016

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Cowboys after a difficult loss to the surprisingly ascendant Philadelphia Eagles. Just like last year, and most likely the year before that, and the year before that, and the year before that… stretching back into countless infinity, the Bears enter Week 3 with their backup quarterback at the helm. Will the Bears defense take advantage of a rookie quarterback to give a badly depleted offense a short field? Or will tonight’s Bears game prove to be less compelling than a Bob Rohrman commercial during the Cubs game, which is also a Sunday Night game?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Mr. Do!” Red-beard, Modre, the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae McGillicutty, former Bears Coach Marc Trestman, and the terrifying night sweats of Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! What be your fixation with 1980s arcade games, Des? Ye lack the hand-eye coordination to successfully navigate “Pong”, let alone more challenging consoles, like “Tempest” or “Bowling.” ‘Tis naught but an unsuccessful attempt to distract me from the plight of the Bears or Trump. Des, ye’ve repeatedly said to no one in particular, that, if only the Democrats or Republicans had picked someone besides Clinton or Trump, that person would be running away with the election by now. Well, I have news for ye, Des: each party could have randomly chosen anyone and the score would still be 46 to 44, in the same way that the Bears could throw anyone in at quarterback, and that poor, miserable, parrot-loving blowfish would find himself with a career ending injury in the opening drive.

Des: Thank you, Captain. Before I punt the ball over to Sally LeChesty to take over as master of ceremonies, let’s check in with the Prissy Minion.

Prissy Minion: Oh, Des. Your pre-game episodes are a tragicomic relic of the pre-Trump era. Oops, I may have spoken too soon about things that are in your future, but which, to me, are in the distant past. 30 years from now, you’re going to start too many sentences with, “You have to understand, things were very different in the 2010s…”

Des: Are you the 12^th Prissy Minion? My favorite 21^st century Prissy is David Tennant, but the best 20^th century Minion was Charles Nelson Reilly. Sally, it’s First and Ten for you.

Sally: Des, that’s the clumsiest football handoff since… every Bears game in recent memory. Let's go live now to the man who is most responsible for burning terrible play calling into our collective memory cells, former Bears Coach Marc Trestman.

Trestman: Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho! Bonsoir, mon amis. And I can say that legiti-ment, for this is a game that takes place under the shroud of darkness, la nuit dimanche, if you will. After much consultation with your site-meter, it has not escape mon gaze piteous that you now have 8 reads this past week that originate from France, as opposed to 16 from les Etats-Unis, and two from Russia, for les raisons inconnues. Apparently, the quickest way to grow an international audience is through les racisme stereotypique. Insert obvious Trump reference. Why, I wonder, does not the Modre work similar magic?

Sally: Thank you, Coach. Would you welcome a stereotype that both repudiates and validates Trump: Ellie Mae McGillicutty.

Ellie: Clinton and Trump are inviting their opponent’s worst enemies to appear in the front row of Monday’s debate. That sounds like a typical McGillicutty divorce proceeding. Or wedding.

Sally: Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off against the Dallas Cowboys in a game that will not draw viewers from the Cubs seventh inning stretch performance, featuring the Wrigley Field Grounds Crew, and/or Jim Belushi’s 90^th appearance.

Bears vs. Vikings: 11-1-2015

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Minnesota Vikings as Chicago sports fans slowly trickle back to watching televised sports with fear and trepidation after the Cubs disappointing loss in the National League Championship Series. Will the Bears use a strong showing to draw viewers away from the juggernaut that is the Chicago Blackhawks? Or, given that the Blackhawks aren’t actually playing today, will Jay Cutler’s lack of first downs cause fans to drift away to watch professional bowling, or an informercial from the 1980s?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Estado Nova” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae MacGillicutty, and the Keystone Light mascot, Drunky McDumbAss

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! I’ve been asked to make to references to Portuguese dictator Salazar in my opening remarks because, apparently, our site meter indicates that this blog is popular in Portugal, and what better way, I guess, to build an audience than to remind it of a dark chapter in its national history? I shudder to see what happens if this Internet journal ever becomes popular in Paraguay. But I digress; here goes, mateys: The Bears loss to Detroit reminds one of Operation Vijay, the 1961 battle in which India took the Portuguese colony of Goa—I’m only reminded of this after reading Salazar’s Wikipedia page—until today, I didn’t know that Portugal even had a colony in India that they kept until the early 1960s. My ignorance of this is a bit of surprise, given that, in my countless centuries of drunken maraudings, I thought I had “dropped anchor”, if ye will, at every colonial port in India. Speaking of Salazar, if ye be lookin’ for an excellent job of whitewashing, look nae further than whoever wrote Salazar’s biography. Here be my favorite quote: “In July 1940,Life magazine called Salazar ‘a benevolent ruler’, described him as ‘by far the world's best dictator, he [Salazar] is also the greatest Portuguese since Prince Henry the Navigator’, and added that ‘the dictator has built the nation’.” What do you think, Des, did I do a good job of maintaining our Portuguese audience?

Des: Huh? Oh, yeah, sure, Captain. Here’s something from friend-of-the-show Agent Screamin’, who shared on my Facebook page a Roz Chast cartoon entitled “Blog Breakdown” with a delightful pie chart indicating that 1/3 of blogs are stories about crap somebody cooked, knitted, or sewed, 1/3 are conspiracy theories, and the remaining 1/3^rd are self-promotion. We need to do a lot more about cooking, knitting, and sewing.

Captain: ARRRH, mateys! Ye can’t spell “conspiracy” without “piracy”. Think about that, won’t you?

Prissy: Des, all of my comments about your body of work refer to your output as a “tapestry” of something: a tapestry of thought-crimes, a tapestry of comedy scraps stitched together to hold in the heat of your blazing wisdom…

Des: Drunky McDumbAss, I would imagine that your gourmet skills would be limited to driving through White Castle at three in the morning in a feeble attempt to absorb the gallons of alcohol you drank during last night’s Halloween festivities. But, hey, at least you have an extra hour to sleep it off, thanks to Daylight Stealing Time.

Drunky: Yeah, you’d think so, Des, but I’ve been spending the last nine hours driving around various DUI/DWI checkpoints

Des: DUI and DWI checkpoints? How many states have you had to drive through?

Drunky: That’s between me and my court-ordered tracking bracelet. I’m driving a rental car. Well, it’s “rental” in the sense that it’s not mine.

Des: I assume that the cell phone you’re using to phone this in isn’t yours either, given that my caller ID lists you as “Bjorn Stangerland.”

Drunky: Yeah, both my car and my phone have a booze-breath lock on them, so I have to “borrow” other people’s.

Des: Modre, if anyone can stretch out an overused joke until it’s thinner than hillbilly stew…

Ellie Mae: I resent that remark!

Des: ...it would be you. Do what the demons inside your brain compel you to.

Modre: The quilt covered question mavens of quin-itious quintessence will quietly quake in a quinine stew of gurgling subterfuge-ling masonry, freely quest-dancing in a shadow-foxing under-landau cabriolet chasms under a man-mage whose magic gestures and smooth conversational tone fail to make manifest a destiny that should never be unbound, lest it rolls under a rug that not even the greatest, most gilded broom could sweep everlasting, ever-fasting from a meal that, once cooked, cannot be unmade like last night’s bed upon which…

Des: And that’s all the time you have, Modre. Since there was probably a Donald Trump reference buried in there somewhere, let’s go now to Concord Peabody, who has a terrible Jeb Bush joke that needs to get out while he’s still a presidential candidate.

Concord: Jeb Bush is the only person I’ve beaten in fantasy football.

Des: Sally, since we’ve given up talking about the Bears or even football a long time ago, just say whatever’s on your mind.

Sally: Des, have you seen those disturbing car commercials with the safety engineer imagining himself and his family as crash test dummies? Then there’s the even more disturbing sequel when he starts imagining his co-workers and their families in the crash test car… And then it turns out that the part about him being a safety inspector was also a fantasy.

Des: I think we finally have an awesome direction to take your character. Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a game in which both team may manage to play at least one quarter of compelling football.

Bears vs. Lions: 10-18-2015

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions in the Race to Get to .500. Will the Bears take this opportunity to notch their third win against a very, very beatable team? Or will a Bears loss send the team scrambling to trade Matt Forte to build toward a future that may never come?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Eurotrash” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae MacGillicutty, and the Keystone Light mascot, Drunky McDumbAss

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! As ye know all too well, I predict weather through me various physical ailments and predict sports by me communion with various obscure deities from ancient, now defunct, Parthenons. Sadly, recent events have forced me to combine the two, as I am now cursed by numerous gods. Famed volcano goddess Pele has singed me ginger beard, which means we’ll have snow flurries tonight and Jay Cutler will score two touchdowns and fumble the ball twice. Then the Norse god of thunder, Thor, will cause an uncomfortable electric tingling in me hook that serves as me right hand, which can only mean partly cloudy skies tomorrow with a high of 50 degrees and also a Bears special teams player, who has wallowed in obscurity until today, will return a punt for a touchdown. Finally, Xochiquetzal—the Aztec goddess of plants, I guess?—has given me a bout of toe fungus, so, I’m thinkin’ we’ll be seeing a bright harvest moon tonight with a low dippin’ down to 29 degrees and at least one interception returned for a touchdown.

Des: “Weather and sports-- together.” Finally, a marketable slogan for the good captain.

Sally: A huge improvement from his current slogan: “Weather, sports, and anger all wrapped in a tiny little package of hate.”

Des: Modre. Fog up the mind with a gentle mist of inscrutability.

Modre: “The ones who best predict the future are the ones who define the future.” I define “future” as “flabbitty tabb tabb rinkitty dink dink sham sham shammitty sham bop… that’s the way it should be… wahoooo… yeah!”

Des: Let’s turn now to our panelist who’s less insightful than a two year old’s crayon wall scrawlings: Drunky McDumbass.

Drunky: Des, I’m going to horn in on your territory by making a terrible joke in response to something that was said 20 minutes ago. To wit: the only Keystone XL Pipeline I care about is my 1000 week Keystone Keg Club subscription where they send me a keg every Friday.

Des: Drunky, how much did you pay for that subscription?

Drunky: 1K

Des: Concord Peabody. Do you have anything for us?

Concord: I’ve heard that many states are considering having their own fantasy football leagues in a desperate effort to save their pension funds. To the listeners reading at home, I’d like to be your state’s Secretary of Fantasy Football so I can finally enjoy some of that sweet, sweet money.

Des: In a serious vein, I’d like to see a Draft Kings vs. Fan Duel Pro Bowl, featuring the biggest money makers of each league choosing the two teams. Prissy Minion. Take this to the outer limits of what the English language can communicate.

Prissy Minion: Des, what the world needs now may be beyond your ability. What the world wants now, you’ve got in spades.

Des: Ellie Mae McGillicutty. What fricasseed wisdom do you have for us today?

Ellie Mae: Des, out of sheer boredom, I watched the Weather Channel’s “3 Scientists Walk Into a Bar”, which would be better titled “3 Drunks Talk About Science in a Bar.” “See, what people should do is, what they should do is, teach about volcanoes by driving a bloodhound in a back of a pickup truck next to my twelve gauge and blow up some ping pong balls in the middle of a football field while some guy with a thick Southern drawl randomly makes some science noises like ‘caldera’ and ‘vent pipe’ and ‘P-waves’ and ‘S-waves’ and na-haw-haw-hawwww.”

Des: Yeah, I don’t think that’s gonna tear anyone away from Doctor Who. Speaking of fictional doctors: Doctor McChesty. You drew the short straw.

Sally: So I did. So I did. Sit back and watch sports fans, as the Bears play in a game that represents a huge time commitment if you combine it with Sunday night’s Cubs game. Those of you reading at home may want to deeply assess whether your marriage can survive six hours of sports viewing.

Bears vs. Raiders: 10-4-2015

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Raiders after a tough loss in which the offense failed to go beyond the 45 yard line for the entire game. With the Bears season being over before it truly began, the only real question is, Will the Cubs surpass the Pirates and play the wild card game at historic Wrigley Field? Or would the North Siders be better served if they played at Pittsburgh and avoided the various curses of Billy Goats, Harry Caray, and a new idiot fan who costs the Cubs the game somehow?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Gargle-licious” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae MacGillicutty, and the man whose intoxicated shamblings were the inspiration for every zombie movie and TV show ever made, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Given that this be Week 4 of the NFL season, just as high tide must follow low tide (although this daily fact of nautical existence continues to surprise me as the sweet kiss of Jamaican rum enfoggens me vision more completely than the thickest cloud bank could e’er enshroud fabled 19^th century London when the fog be truly 90% soot and 10% cholera), now be time for Captain Redbeard’s Chum Bucket of the NFL, the team that will fail to win a single game this season. There be three teams competing for this dubious honor, the New Orleans Saints, and two within the once-mighty NFC North: the Detroit Lions, and, sadly, the Chicago Football Bears, if indeed “football” is the appropriate sport to affix upon this struggling franchise—although “struggling” implies that the team be fighting hard to prevent its dark fate—but I repeatedly digress to keep the pain at bay. As me numerous disparaging remarks imply, ‘tis me sad duty to inform you the listener/reader/impressed midshipman that, for the first time in the lost eternity in which I have delivered Bears pre-contest coverage, I foresee Chicago as the team to go winless. Any captain whose command of the obvious includes “We need to generate more than zero points to win games, there's no doubt" be one who has already lost command of his vessel.

Des: That is bad news, Captain. Although last year’s Chum Bucket, the Jacksonville Jaguars, were not the worst team in the NFL, they only won three games; nothing to be proud of. And your 2013 Chum Bucket, Washington, also was only the second-worst team, also with a 3-13 record.

Redbeard: Aye, Des. Me Curse of the Crimson Beard Stubble is actually worse than an 0-16 record, for a 3-13 record deprives ye of a decent draft pick. Sorry, everybody.

Des: This is even more depressing than usual. Transitioning from one miserable alcoholic to another, would you welcome: Drunky McDumbAss, a.k.a. W.C. Fields without the comedy, which, I guess would make you Andy Capp. Here’s a fun fact: Andy Capp is shorthand for “handicap”, which makes his cheddar fries a horrible, horrible symbol of intolerance. Drunky, why don’t you enjoy those barely edible hate crimes at Fed Ex Field while watching the Washington Football Team Whose Name Must Not Be Spoken by Anyone Born After 1990?

Drunky: When you say “hate crime”, Des, do you mean a hate crime against my digestive system? Because I’ve already got that covered by decades of non-stop binge drinking.

Des: Drunky, doesn’t “binge drinking” imply that there are periods of time when you stop drinking?

Drunky: That’s very hurtful, Des. Not just to me, but to the entire Alcoholic-American community.

Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

Concord: While I’m not encouraged by the prospect of our starting quarterback being someone whose last name is “Fales”, I have to believe that the Oakland Raiders will go back to being the gift that keeps on giving to their opponents. Bears win 9-0 on the mighty leg of Robbie Gould as a rejuvenated Bears “D” will put the offense on the Raiders’ 20 yard line repeatedly—and the offense will lose 15 to 20 yards every time. The Bears’ key to victory will be a defense that gains more yards off of turnovers than all 20 quarterbacks the Bears audition this Sunday—the Bears quarterback carousel will feature everyone who sang “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” at Wrigley this year in hopes that some of the magic will rub off.

Des: This episode is surprisingly heavy on the football. Modre, would you delightfully distract us from our football doldrums with some Donald Trump?

Modre: “The bewilderbeest that fumbles through the darkest of the unseen light that bursts through the barrel of a water gun filled to bursting with the angry tears of tomorrow’s lumberjack maven—this, this be the one to lead ye to parts once unknown now uncomprehended. This, this be the one who wears the crown of would-be Putin-esque despotism most uneasily.” This, this be the one tagged by the future Facebook imperfect of history as “Joe Don Baker Trump.”

Des: That’s cleansing the palate with an SOS pad. Prissy Minion. Engage.

Prissy Minion: As the Founding Father of Casio Tone Nation, you, more than anyone, must appreciate the re-emergence and subsequent collapse of all that was once late 20^th century mainstays, especially the Bush and Clinton dynasties.

Des: Donald Trump may yet prove to be the 1980s most evil revenge.

Des: Ellie Mae McGillicutty. What southern fried wisdom do you have for us today?

Ellie Mae: Des, last week, you used me as a puppet to mock the NFC South, but, in reality, the NFC South has two undefeated teams while your North division has two teams that have yet to feel victory’s sweet embrace? Who’s laughing now?

Des: Not anyone who has watched the Carl’s Jr. Tex-Mex commercial.

Sally: While forced topic transitions are your bread and butter, your mission statement, your comedic raison d’etre, if you will, that Carl’s Jr. reference was a masterpiece in contortion comedy.

Des: Doctor Sally McChesty. Would you clump and seal this episode?

Sally: As long as I’m not the one cleaning out this metaphorical catbox. Sit back and watch sports fans, as the Bears play against the only team they might have a chance of beating this season. That’s right, Captain, I’m mocking your beloved Raiders. Or better yet, the Cubs are on at 2:10. Go watch them.

Bears vs. Dolphins: 10-19-2014

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears return home to Soldier Field after an inconclusive two game tour of duty south of the Mason-Dixon Line. Will the Bears take advantage of a lackluster Florida team to get back on track and maybe secure a wild card berth? Or will Soldier Field prove to be a home field disadvantage for the third home game (of three) this season?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Subtlety is Not My Strong Suit” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Sally McChesty, and special guest tailgater, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Des, your disloyalty toward the Bears both shames and disgusts me! Ye need to follow my example of blindly following the Oakland Raiders and Tampa Bay Buccaneers, e’en if their combined record this decade be 1 - ∞. They can still turn things around!

Des: Captain, what I do is the highest form of loyalty… I challenge the Bears to do better… with pitiless mockery! Speaking of which, Captain, let’s take a moment to review your Death Punch to Abject Failure, or what you, on our September 14^th post, called your “Treasure Map to the Super-Bowl.” Overall, your divisional picks were terrible: the Saints are 2-3, the Jets are languishing with a 1-6 record…

Redbeard: I thought Rex Ryan’s combination of empty threats and hollow guarantees of victory would finally catch on this year!

Des: The Titans are struggling with a 2-4 season…

Redbeard: Ye would think ‘twould be impossible for one man, i.e. Jeff Fisher, to curse two teams at once, but in my own efforts to lay an eternal curse on the Washington Football Club, I have mostly afflicted the Buccaneers and Raiders, to my unending sorrow. But don’t blame me for the Cubs. They’ve done that entirely on their own, for generation after generation after generation after generation.

Des: …and the Bears and Steelers are mediocre at best, with 3-3 records. Your only bright spots are the 49ers, Broncos, and, surprisingly, the Dallas Cowboys.

Sally: If I may interrupt, Des…

Des: It’s Doctor Sally McChesty, ladies and gentlemen, with this week’s injury report.

Sally: Peyton Manning continues to be animated by dark sorcery and/or secret alien/human hybrid medical “treatments” that eat up 90% of the Obamacare budget for this fiscal year. Did you know, Des, that, like the military and the CIA, Obamacare has a secret black budget, most of which is spent on keeping alive star quarterbacks, the Koch Brothers, and Dick Cheney?

Des: Given that 112% of our Gross Domestic Product is absorbed by football, it does not surprise me that our medical care system would be part of that equation. Drunky McDumbAss. Welcome back to Soldier Field.

Drunky: Des, I never left. I’ve been playing Whack a Mole in the Soldier Field parking garage with Bears security. I’m the mole.

Des-boy: Whut are yew talkin’ ‘bout, McDumbAss? Yew don’t er-member the past two weeks in Standard City Illinoise Jail when we were tryin’ tuh sneak outta Atlanta after a methamphetamine fueled crime spree in which we used Coors Lite as a coolant fer tuh keep our skull pans from overheatin’? Or was that actual Prestone we were drinkin’? Talk about hydraulic frackin’! (Doubles over in a combination of hillbilly laughter and alcoholism-induced convulsions)

Drunky: What, uhhh, what mix tape were we listening to at the time?

Des: I’ll leave the two of you alone to get reacquainted with your shared dark past. Modre. Gimme some word puree.

Modre: Here, chiefly, in the aggrandizement of a huge and fearsome animal to deiform proportions, does Melville surpass all other poets of his century in the rejuvenation of myth.

Des: Deiform, Modre?

Modre: As usual, Des, your pitiful mind cannot begin to grasp the enormity of “deiform”, i.e. of godlike size and stature. The closest entity you have encountered of deiform stature is Mike Ditka whose 75^th birthday was yesterday.

Des: Prissy Minion, terminate this broadcast with extreme prejudice!

Prissy: With any great artist comes great criticism. While there are untold billions of counterexamples, Des, you are not among them.

Des: Thank you for joining us, Bears fans, on the only football website sponsored by a menopause drug: Brisdell. Yes, Brisdell - - fighting hot flashes one 900 foot tall purple curtain at a time. Change is in the air—which kind of makes menopause sound like Ebola!

Credits: the “Drunky McDumbAss” character was created by my cousin Jeff, whose overall awesomeness was also of deiform stature.

Bears vs. Lions: 9-29-2013

BEARS VS. LIONS: 9-29-13


Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the team that may surprisingly prove to be their greatest challenge so far: the resurgent Detroit Lions. Will the Bears repeat last week’s winning formula of an unexpectedly strong offensive line, competent passing, and a turnover-factory defense? Or will the Lions’ winning streak continue to justify closing every public school in Detroit to finance their sports teams?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Kid Charlemagne” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and Doctor Sally “Muffin” McChesty.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! By using what today’s kids call “Molly”, which I presume can only be shorthand for injections of “molluscum contagiosum” or “water warts”, to shatter the confines of space-time and linear thought to pierce the astral plane, I successfully stole the Tablets of Destiny from ancient Babylonian deity Marduk to avenge the death of my favored sea goddess Tiamat. But of far greater importance is that they revealed to me the Chum Bucket of the NFL: i.e. the team that will fail to win a single game this season: At this moment, there be 5 teams that share the dishonor of being winless so far: the Steelers, Jaguars, Giants, Redskins, Vikings, and Buccaneers. Which one be the most doomed to ignominious failure? ‘Tis the Washington Redskins, yet another victim of the Curse of Redbeard—and, no, this does not refer to the disfiguring skin condition of the same name—nay, this be the black mark that I lay upon the team that offends me in some deep seeded and deep seated way. The Curse of Redbeard is so profoundly afflicting that it can ne’er be reversed, not e’en by yours truly. Ask the Chicago Cubs! They will, of course, deny it with all the strength their broken souls will allow, for to even speak of the Curse of Redbeard is to prolong it for uncounted millennia. Returning to the Redskins, ye might think that I cursed them because they are the most racist thing associated with the NFL besides Modre...

Modre: Gaijin!

SR: ...but ye’d be sadly mistaken! Nay, my unyielding anger towards the Redskins derives solely from the actions of the team’s owner Dan Snyder, who beat me to the punch of attaining eternal youth by purchasing the Dick Clark Television Production Company. Not only does he gain the secret of eternal youth, but he also gains control of time itself, for through his purchase of the DCTPC, he also owns Dick Clark’s Rockin’ New Years’ Eve. By possessing this gem, he controls the Baby New Year, a prize that has eluded many other super-villians, including the legendary vulture Eon. Also, somewhat ironically, he made his billions by being the first to telemarket immigrants to the U.S.

Des: I shudder at the thought of those poor souls who are playing the “Captain Redbeard’s Unrelated References Drinking Game.” Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

CWP: Well, I was shocked that I actually underestimated the Bears’ score last week when I predicted the Bears would beat the Steelers: 38-10. (They won 40-23). I won’t repeat that mistake this week: Bears win 460 to 273.

Des: Wait... Concord, did you come up with those scores by using the absolute values of the absolute zeroes from the Rankine and Kelvin scales, as converted to the Fahrenheit and Celsius scales, respectively?

CWP: Uh... yeah, Des. Well done.

Des: Thank you, Concord. So, Doctor McChesty: Do you have yet another bring down preach-fest about the evils of the NFL and of sports media in general?

SMC: No, Des. To be fair, the NFL hasn’t built a new soccer stadium in the Amazon rain forest that will later be converted into a giant prison after the World Cup has been played or built another World Cup stadium in Qatar using Nepalese migrant slave labor. Yet.

Des: Now that we have once again abandoned the pretense of talking about the Bears at all, why don’t you finish things off, Prissy Minion?

PM: Des, your Bears posts have a captivating retro-future aesthetic that makes this website the most dazzling blog endeavor of 2013!

Des: Prissy, I don’t know how to respond to that, except to completely ignore it. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will be much less painful than watching another five teams get into the playoffs by beating the Cubs!

Bears vs. Bengals: 9-8-2013

BEARS VS. BENGALS: 9-8-13


Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Cincinnati Bengals in what is most assuredly not a preview of this year’s Superbowl. Will Marc Trestman somehow find the key to unlock Jay Cutler’s hidden Sid Luckman-esque talent? Or will the Bengals receive a spark of hope that will be extinguished by their remaining 15 games?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Aquatic Ingénue” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and Sally McChesty.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! ‘Tis time once again to predict how the Bears will perform this season. As regular viewers of this internet experience know, my predictions come to me through a combination of physical ailments, revelations from numerous deities both aquatic and land-lubber, plus PTSD caused by watching 105 seasons of the Chicago Cubs. This miasma of the transcendent and the wretched reveals the following: the Bears’ new coach Marc Trestman will unleash all kinds of weird stuff that will befuddle their foes that involve flash paper and staring off into the distance and screaming. Thus the Bears will begin their season winning the first five games. Then the opposing coaches will catch on to Trestman’s trickery and ‘twill all be over—the entire O-line will lie slain on the battlefield as will the Bears first five starting quarterbacks until the Bears pick up Tim Tebow, who will be know as “touchdown Jesus” in that he will be horribly crucified, first by opposing defenses, then by the sports media, both local and national. The international media will not care.

So, to summarize and expand: the Bears will go 9-7 this year, defeating the Bengals, Steelers, Saints, Redskins, Rams, Browns, Eagles, and the Lions twice. They’ll split the Vikings, and lose to the Giants, Ravens, Cowboys, and the Packers twice. Someday, the Bears will discover the formula to defeating the Packers, but not this year.

Des: Captain, I noticed that your predictions are more modest for the Bears this year. Last year, you thought they would go 14-2, but ended with a 10-6 record.

SR: Aye. I was strung out on “ocean meth” last year, an ill-conceived mixture of coffee, rum, some ground up diet pills I had left over from the 1970s, ocean water, and Windex for coloring. When you’re sailing across the eternal wet, ye have a lot of time on your hands.

Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

CWS: Well, the Bengals have a 4-1 record against the Bears at Soldier Field, Gino Atkins and Carlos Dunlap are strong Bengals defenders, plus the Bengals have a more diversified offense and a more experienced offensive line and coaching staff. That said, the Bears will still win 34 to 6.

Des: Modre, the inscrutable Asian stereotype! I have no idea what you will say next.

Modre: Gaijin, I have just completed reading The Alphabet versus the Goddess which posits the theory that the written word causes people to become more left-brained, causing them to reject feminine values and become more misogynistic. You might think that reading this book would encourage me to reject reading and writing, but spending three hours deeply engrossed with this text has given me a toxic level of exposure to written language, leaving me 100 times more evil than before.

Des: Speaking of feminine values, here’s Sally McChesty presenting “Small Words”, a series of interviews with the children of NFL players.

SMC: Des, are you even aware that I possess doctorates in sports history, sports medicine, sports finance, and football strategy? I mean, what the hell? I’ve forgotten more about football than the rest of your sports panel will ever know! You want to know what the kids of NFL players have to say? During football season, most of them only see their fathers on NFL posters in their bedrooms!

Des: Yeah, book learning is not really a plus when it comes to sports casting. That’s all the time we have, folks. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that might make people forget about our horrible treatment of veterans... mostly because that won’t be mentioned when the NFL honors our soldiers.

Bears vs. Lions: 12-30-2012

BEARS VS LIONS: 12-30-2012


Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions in a must-win game. Will the Bears defeat the Lions by repeating last week’s winning formula of a strong passing game to Brandon Marshall, an opportunistic defense, and good field position? Or will the call go forth for the one-two punch of Rex Ryan and a new mediocre quarterback miscast as the next big thing? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Orthographic Matrix” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and Internet hall monitor, Sally McChesty.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! In order for the Bears to skulk into the playoffs, 60 teams must lose this Sunday. Luckily, one of those teams is the Cubs. But, seriously, folks, as a drunken sea pirate, I’m accustomed to having my fate placed in the hands of forces beyond my control. Unfortunately, those forces turn out to be my personal demons, more often than not. So… what must the Bears do? Lovie Smith should delegate coaching the Bears game to his subordinates, and instead turn his focus to hexing the Vikings through his TV set in the Bears locker room, doing whatever rituals have been taught to us by Bud Light commercials, whether it be listening to Stevie Wonder, rubbing a rabbit’s foot, spinning the Bud Light label toward the TV, or experiencing horrible flashbacks of how the Packers beat the Bears two weeks ago and somehow reimagining the Bears jerseys as Vikings jerseys and muttering “Rex Grossman is our quarterback” while rocking back and forth in a fetal position.

Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s game?

CWP: Des, Brian Urlacher is still out with an injury, Calvin Johnson is 108 yards away from being the first player in history to reach 2,000 receiving yards in one season, and the Lions would love to be the team that knocks the Bears out of contention and Lovie Smith out of a job. That said, the Bears will still win 38-10. Unfortunately, the Vikings will also win: 23-21.

Des: Kind of a downer, Concord. Modre. What are your thoughts?

Modre: Nietzsche once said that, “It is impossible to suffer without making someone pay for it; every complaint already contains revenge.” If this is so, Jay Mariotti’s vengeance is to be more feared than even Dick Cheney’s.

Des: Sally McChesty. We asked you to cull the Internet for insights from the blogosphere. What do you have for us?

SMC: Here are some gems for you, Des:
“A few former Bears have done pretty well as coaches: Jim Harbaugh, Leslie Fraser, and even Sean Payton, if you count spare Bears. Why not Ron Rivera, or, hell, I’d take Mike Tomczak as head coach at this point.”
“Jay Cutler is the best quarterback the Bears have had in the color television era, sadly.”
“The Bears will beat Detroit, only to lose to the Packers the following week.”
“Given that the Bears started with a 7-1 record before ending up 9-6, what the Bears need most in 2013 is a strike-shortened season.”

Des: Thank you, Sally. Drunky McDumbAss. How are things in tailgate land?

DMD: Des, I’m in the awkward position of having to cheer for the Packers this week before having to cheer against them next week. Fortunately, I have my good friend alcohol to resolve this dilemma for me.

Des: Prissy Minion. Bring this in for a landing on an ice-coated runway, won’t you?

PM: Des, you’re the funniest non-Canadian sports commentator. Your comedy paints a picture using nothing but primary colors. Blue is a primary color, right?

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game brought to you by Blizzak Tires: If you can write your name in the snow, it’s time for winter tires.

Bears vs. Lions: 10-5-08

BEARS VS. LIONS: 10-5-08

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions, a team that has yet to win a game this season. Will the Bears overcome whatever obstacles their opponents throw their way, like the 2005 White Sox? Or will they collapse at the first sign of trouble, like the 1909 through 2008 Chicago Cubs?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Nosferatu Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! As one who has been afflicted by many a nautical curse after offending many a sea god, only I know how to end the Cubs’ 1000 year curse. The Cubs must burn down Wrigley Field. Every last brick must be annihilated down to the last atom! Indeed, all of historic Wrigley Ville must be purged by the cleansing fire in order to appease whatever magical goat deity Chicago has offended! Then the Cubs must be forced to wander the baseball wilderness for 40 years, playing “home” games solely in obscure Canadian cities, Puerto Rico, and Guam as the Chicago Orphans. Or they need better post season pitching.

Des: Returning to football, who will win, Concord Peabody?

CP: Well, the Bears are 695-510-42 lifetime when the Cubs have failed to play or win a World Series. Go Bears!

Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?

Modre: The democratic-communist relationship won’t stand in the way of the Islamic force.

Des: An interesting time to inject politics into this clambake. Albert Einstein. Your impressions.

AE: Guten tag, meine Burger Chicagos. Two things are infinite: the universe and the Cubs curse, and I’m not sure about the universe.

Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?

PM: As Jean-Paul Sartre once said, “Hell is for other people.” Unless you’re a Cubs fan.

Des: Sit back and watch in your beer-stained bean bag chair as the Bears grapple the Lions in a match that would help you forget about the Cubs… if only the outside world would let you!

Bears vs. Buccaneers: 9-21-08

BEARS VS. BUCCANEERS: 9-21-08

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, a team helmed by one of thousands of quarterbacks Chicago has kicked to the curb this decade. Will the Bears be able to play four quarters of football through better conditioning and a diverse playbook? Or will the offense be forced to score 40 points in the first half?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Barbarossa” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Ye athletic representatives of Miami, Cleveland, Cincinnati, and Detroit stand accused of football incompetence before the drum-head court of Barbarossa Hayreddin Pasha, Fleet Admiral of the Ottoman Navy! Sorry if I mispronounced me own name. It’s been 500 years since I was a Turk. I decree that the Cleveland Browns will fail to win a game this season. I have spoken! Imperious Rex!

Des: Uh, Captain, didn’t you predict that the Browns will go to the Super Bowl?

SR: Aye, I hang me head in shame.

Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?

CWP: Well, the Bears are 694-509-42 lifetime when the temperature is below Fahrenheit 451. Go Bears!

Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?

Modre: When you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.

Des: Thanks, Neil Peart. Albert Einstein. Your impressions.

AE: Mein herr, "Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen." Haben sie das verstanden, Herr Madden?

Des: Back from the dead to insult sportscasters. A valuable use of necromancy! Prissy Minion. Put an exclamation point on this madness.

PM: Interjections! For excitement! And emotion!

Des: I saw that coming. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a clash that pales in comparison to the Cubs’ race for the pennant.