Bears vs. Buccaneers: 12-21-2015

Des: Welcome to a one of a handful of editions of the Chicago Bears football play-by-play (more or less) show of the second quarter of the Bears/Buccaneers game.

Redbeard: Of which I have more than a passing interest, mateys! For once.

Des: Indeed. The Bears have carved a niche for themselves as the team that scares their opponents in the fourth quarter without actually beating them. Will this trend continue against their former mentor Lovie Smith, much as some Force Awakens character does against its clumsy analog to Ben Kenobi? Or will the Bears begin their assent to greatness by jettisoning whatever their version of Jar Jar Binks is? (A hint: Their analog better not be Matt Forte). Or will the Bears continue to get breaks that negate costly turnovers that are magically transformed into Bears first downs, and subsequently touchdowns?

Des: To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: But first... Bears get up to the 2 yard line of Tampa Bay based on a pass interference call against the Bucs. And now the Bears have a touchdown to tie things up.

Redbeard: Aye. Pass interference be a major flaw that afflicts all of us of the Brotherhood of the Briny Deep, both on and off the water. Once upon a jolly swagman, I remembereth... did Robbie Gould score an extra point?

Des: Yeah, Captain. Your vessel upon which we have inexplicably decided to perform today's play-by-play action does not have Wi-fi that extends to your bathroom, which, for reasons too awful to repeat, is called a "head." 

Concord: Bears get a forced fumble, demonstrating what we hope is another block of a future mighty defense!

Des: And Concord Peabody demonstrates the limitations of a blog based on a "Live" transmission of an NFL game using a "Several Tiers Under Platinum Data Plan." Somehow we jump from the Bears scoring a touchdown directly to the Buccaneers turning over the ball at mid-field. Let's return to game somewhere in progress.

Sally: Des, this play is third and brutally short for the Bears and Chicago earns a first day... which is awesome, because it prevents me from making a clumsy height joke about Captain Redbeard. Meanwhile, the Bears plow down to the Buccaneers' 22 yard line. Now they are within the Bucs' "Red Zone."

Modre: The Bears make their way to the "Dr. Pepper Red Zone." As an obscurantist, I prefer to think of it as the "Mr. Pibb Red Zone."

Des: Or the "Diet Rite Red Zone."

Concord: While you guys are busy making dumb references to long deceased colas, the Bears had to settle for a field goal. Nonetheless, Bears lead 10-7 with 3 minutes left in the first half!

Des: So... even though there is almost no time left, let's finish our intro: To answer these and similar.. events (?)... is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody...

Sally: And the game resumes with Tampa Bay's offense taking the field. Eddie Goldman gets a really important sack against Tampa Bay's quarterback at a crucial fourth down, which calls forth the 2 minute warning. Now for some really ridiculous background music if you are listening to this game via the NFL app on a "smart" phone.

Des: ..is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles "Darth Hideous" Redbeard...

Redbeard: ARRRRRRRRHHHHHH, mateys. Be ye really entrusted with so much time that we can cram in multiple Star Wars references?

Sally: Bears get to the 24 yard line with a minute left in the half... and now they are at the 10 yard line with 30 seconds to go, and they take a time out. Then Cutler throws incomplete... now he completes a pass to Royal for a five yard gain, they call another time out. 

Sally: Five yard penalty against the Bears for a false star penalty. This will cost them the run, probably. 

Sally: Incomplete pass to the end zone to Eddie Royal in the end zone... very catchable.

Des: So the Bears go into halftime with a 13-7 lead... let's add the voices of Ellie Mae MacGillicutty, Prissy Minion, and Drunky McDumbAss as we wrap things up.

Ellie: Well, Des, to transition from football to Trump, let's think about your worst nightmare, which used to be that a hillbilly sheriff from my stomping grounds of the ultra-deep south would become the Republican nominee. How does it feel to see your stereotype of me being embodied by a New Yorker who might be your next president?

Des: Yeah, until now I never really saw the 2016 race as a possible clash between two New York natives, and that one would be a transplanted Arkansan who would be considered the more liberal of the two. Thanks for depressing me further, Ellie Mae. Prissy Minion. Make me feel better about myself, would you?

Prissy: Gladly, Des. Though Yuletide tidings of comfort and joy may be beyond my power as we enter the doldrums between Christmas and New Year's Eve, consider that I, and probably future cultural historians hired by the last humanoids running the Monsanto Corporation, think of this blog as one whose copious servings of play-by-excitement, Star Wars references, and oblique Donald Trump commentary yield a rich concoction of flavorful delight-ment that are both good and good for you.

Des: Okay. Drunky McDumbAss. Were you responsible for Prissy Minion's previous comments.

Drunky: Maybe. Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears continue this game in the second half at your favorite Chinese restaurant's bar region over a scorpion bowl or twelve.

Bears vs. Buccaneers: 11-23-2014

BEARS VS. BUCCANEERS: 11-23-14

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers after pulling themselves together to defeat one of the worst teams in the NFL. Will the Bears repeat their winning formula of demonstrating basic competence to beat another bad team? Or will they suffer an embarrassing loss to their former coach Lovie Smith, who will remind them what an acceptable defense can do?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Master of Mayhem” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Elllie Mae MacGillicutty, and the guest who came to stay and never leave, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! ‘Tis time for me to enter a period of terrible soul serching as me favorite non-piratannical football team battles against me second favorite pirate themed team. On the one hand, ye have the Chicago Football Bears, whose legend was built on a foundation of a fearsome defense that now couldn’t stop a baby from stealing candy from the end zone. On the other hand, ye have the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, who were mostly known for having aquamarine uniforms featuring a sailor with a blade in its mouth whose glory days came when they stole a coach from me favorite privateer-themed team, the Oakland Raiders. Since there be no football performance related statistic nor sentimental attachment to decide me preference, ‘tis naught but pure greed that will persuade me to support the Bears this Sunday: I have a fleet of unauthorized Bears merchandise waiting to be sold without the express written consent of Major League Football.

Des: Let’s check in with Drunky McDumbAss, who will continue to party at Soldier Field through Sunday’s game into the upcoming Thanksgiving match-up. Drunky, aren’t the Bears playing the Thanksgiving game in Detroit?

Drunky: That’s right, Des, but there’s really no point in going to Detroit unless you can prove you’re a non-resident who makes more than $10,000,000 a year. Governor Snyder is testing out this means-testing criteria to enter Detroit before making it part of his campaign platform to reform immigration into the U.S. as part of a 2016 presidential run. I’ve also heard they’re cutting off oxygen to parts of Detroit outside of the sports stadiums.

Des: Modre, what are your thoughts?

Modre: Mason Cooley once said, “Reading about ethics is about as likely to make one a saint as reading about sports will make one into an athlete.” Despite this, I look forward to reading Roger Goodell’s biography after he’s drummed out of the NFL.

Des: While all of this political comedy is draining the comedy ranking of this pre-game cavalcade several notches below Doonesbury, let’s bring in Concord Peabody to lighten things up.

Concord: Well, Des, all the pieces are in place for the Bears to finish the season by beating the Buccaneers, the Lions twice, and the Vikings again, resulting in a glorious… 8-8 season.

Des: That didn’t help at all! Ellie Mae, cheer me up, would you?

Ellie: The only comfort I can provide is through a burlap sack of surplus pig nuts I scraped of the ground of our ½ acre dirt farm. At least I think it’s pig nuts. It might just be random twigs, car parts, and Moxie soda bottles.

Des: Ellie Mae, how did you become part of our show?

Ellie: Oh, please! Your cast consists of a pirate, a drunk, a Lisa Simpson rip-off, a stalker, and whatever Modre is. Concord Peabody is the only character who pretends to care about football, and even he has no idea what he’s talking about. I fit right in!

Des: And I thought Doctor McChesty was based more on Beavis and Butthead’s “Darla.”

Ellie: Obscure references to unpopular 1990s TV shows will never save you.

Des: Prissy Minion. Unnerve me with your obsequiousness.

Prissy: Like Guardians of the Galaxy, you are irrelevant, reckless, and scrappy.

Des: I think you meant “irreverent.”

Prissy: Oops. And you also make good mix tapes. On cassettes. Still.

Des: Doctor McChesty, would you summarize things with one majestic sentence?

Sally: Of course, Desimandela. Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a match that, contrary to the writings of various sports jerks, is not the “Toilet Bowl.” That “honor” goes to the Jets-Bills game. Go Neckbeard! (Assuming he’s still the Bills’ quarterback.)

Bears vs. Dolphins: 10-19-2014

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears return home to Soldier Field after an inconclusive two game tour of duty south of the Mason-Dixon Line. Will the Bears take advantage of a lackluster Florida team to get back on track and maybe secure a wild card berth? Or will Soldier Field prove to be a home field disadvantage for the third home game (of three) this season?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Subtlety is Not My Strong Suit” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Sally McChesty, and special guest tailgater, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Des, your disloyalty toward the Bears both shames and disgusts me! Ye need to follow my example of blindly following the Oakland Raiders and Tampa Bay Buccaneers, e’en if their combined record this decade be 1 - ∞. They can still turn things around!

Des: Captain, what I do is the highest form of loyalty… I challenge the Bears to do better… with pitiless mockery! Speaking of which, Captain, let’s take a moment to review your Death Punch to Abject Failure, or what you, on our September 14^th post, called your “Treasure Map to the Super-Bowl.” Overall, your divisional picks were terrible: the Saints are 2-3, the Jets are languishing with a 1-6 record…

Redbeard: I thought Rex Ryan’s combination of empty threats and hollow guarantees of victory would finally catch on this year!

Des: The Titans are struggling with a 2-4 season…

Redbeard: Ye would think ‘twould be impossible for one man, i.e. Jeff Fisher, to curse two teams at once, but in my own efforts to lay an eternal curse on the Washington Football Club, I have mostly afflicted the Buccaneers and Raiders, to my unending sorrow. But don’t blame me for the Cubs. They’ve done that entirely on their own, for generation after generation after generation after generation.

Des: …and the Bears and Steelers are mediocre at best, with 3-3 records. Your only bright spots are the 49ers, Broncos, and, surprisingly, the Dallas Cowboys.

Sally: If I may interrupt, Des…

Des: It’s Doctor Sally McChesty, ladies and gentlemen, with this week’s injury report.

Sally: Peyton Manning continues to be animated by dark sorcery and/or secret alien/human hybrid medical “treatments” that eat up 90% of the Obamacare budget for this fiscal year. Did you know, Des, that, like the military and the CIA, Obamacare has a secret black budget, most of which is spent on keeping alive star quarterbacks, the Koch Brothers, and Dick Cheney?

Des: Given that 112% of our Gross Domestic Product is absorbed by football, it does not surprise me that our medical care system would be part of that equation. Drunky McDumbAss. Welcome back to Soldier Field.

Drunky: Des, I never left. I’ve been playing Whack a Mole in the Soldier Field parking garage with Bears security. I’m the mole.

Des-boy: Whut are yew talkin’ ‘bout, McDumbAss? Yew don’t er-member the past two weeks in Standard City Illinoise Jail when we were tryin’ tuh sneak outta Atlanta after a methamphetamine fueled crime spree in which we used Coors Lite as a coolant fer tuh keep our skull pans from overheatin’? Or was that actual Prestone we were drinkin’? Talk about hydraulic frackin’! (Doubles over in a combination of hillbilly laughter and alcoholism-induced convulsions)

Drunky: What, uhhh, what mix tape were we listening to at the time?

Des: I’ll leave the two of you alone to get reacquainted with your shared dark past. Modre. Gimme some word puree.

Modre: Here, chiefly, in the aggrandizement of a huge and fearsome animal to deiform proportions, does Melville surpass all other poets of his century in the rejuvenation of myth.

Des: Deiform, Modre?

Modre: As usual, Des, your pitiful mind cannot begin to grasp the enormity of “deiform”, i.e. of godlike size and stature. The closest entity you have encountered of deiform stature is Mike Ditka whose 75^th birthday was yesterday.

Des: Prissy Minion, terminate this broadcast with extreme prejudice!

Prissy: With any great artist comes great criticism. While there are untold billions of counterexamples, Des, you are not among them.

Des: Thank you for joining us, Bears fans, on the only football website sponsored by a menopause drug: Brisdell. Yes, Brisdell - - fighting hot flashes one 900 foot tall purple curtain at a time. Change is in the air—which kind of makes menopause sound like Ebola!

Credits: the “Drunky McDumbAss” character was created by my cousin Jeff, whose overall awesomeness was also of deiform stature.

Bears vs. Ravens: 11-17-2013

BEARS VS. RAVENS: 11-17-13

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Baltimore Ravens after their loss to a resurgent Detroit Lions. Will the Bears get back on track by jumping to the front of the line of teams that have rejuvenated themselves by beating up on last year’s Superbowl “champion”? Or will the call go forth to summon Cade McNown—I mean, Josh McCown—to save the Bears?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Riot Grrl” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Sally McChesty, and special guest tailgater, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! ‘Twill be time once again for me favorite recurring theme on this worthless blog: “Captain Redbeard’s Chum-Bucket of the NFL.” ‘Tis the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, who should be stripped of their team name and the Jolly Roger that adorns their helmets and be forced to wear their former flamboyant sword swallowing sailor mascot until they be truly worthy of the skull and crossbones! What must they do? Like all true pirates, they should take advantage of the weak and vulnerable, i.e. the Atlanta Falcons, whom the Buccaneers face this Sunday... which is why I also pick Tampa Bay to be my “Wracked with Terrible Sea-sickness Stomach Churning Upset of the Week” and why I also choose this match to be “Captain Redbeard’s Game to be Avoided at All Costs.”

Des: Let’s check in with Drunky McDumbAss, who has been partying it up in the parking lot of Soldier Field non-stop since last Sunday’s game against Detroit.

DMD: That’s right, Des. The renovated spaceship-esque structure of formerly historic Soldier Field has been the ideal venue for me to play an endless game of cat-and-mouse with the Chicago Police. Like a drunken Phantom of the Opera, I only emerge to scare tourists who are just trying to visit the Field Museum, Shedd Aquarium, or Adler Planetarium.

Des: Modre, what are your thoughts?

Modre: Are you familiar with Lord Acton’s famous quote about power? The entire quote is, “Power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Great men are almost always bad men.” There’s no punch line here, Des, I just wanted to expand your tiny little egg shell mind until it snaps like a rubber band.

Des: That’s Modre for you, always mixing metaphors until they become indigestible goo. Concord Peabody. Give us some statistical mumbo-jumbo.

CWP: Well, Des, every good Bears defender is injured, they had a terrible running game last week, and the Ravens still have a pretty good defense. That said, the Bears still win 49-24.

Des: Doctor McChesty. Do you have any thoughts on the Richie Incognito controversy?

SMC: Oh. I thought that had already been resolved. Jay Glazer found him “not guilty” and that was the end of it.

Des: Prissy Minion. Scare me with your sycophancy.

PM: Des, you are the original Five Finger Death Punch.

Des: That was indeed scary. Doctor McChesty, would you summarize things with one majestic sentence?

SMC: Of course, Desiluski. Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a match that will determine how quickly the Baltimore Ravens fade into the mists of history.

Grade Level Equivalency: 7.8

Bears vs. Vikings: 11-25-2012

BEARS VS. VIKINGS: 11-25-12

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against a resurgent Minnesota Vikings after a beat down from the San Francisco 49ers. Will the return of Jay Cutler restore some life to the Bears offense, or will one name resound throughout Chicagoland as the Bears’ only hope? Neckbeard… Neckbeard… NECKBEARD!!! To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Muscle Hamster” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, Sally McChesty, and Mr. 12 Steps to Comedy himself, Drunky McDumbAss.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Ye might assume that I’d be cheering on the Vikings, since they indulge in boat-based plundering, but their purple uniforms inspire nothing but disgust, much like the old turquoise Tampa Bay Buccaneers outfits! Now there be a sartorial choice that inspired naught but losing records for a generation!

Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s game?

CWP: Well, Des, the Bears offense is 31st in the league in passing yards and 30th in overall yardage, and Adrian Peterson is unstoppable. That said, the Bears will still win 63-4.

Des: So the Vikings will get two safeties? I wouldn’t bet that in Vegas. Drunky McDumb-Ass. How are things going in tailgate land?

DMD: Des, I managed to get Mall of America Field confused with the Mall of America, so I’ve been drunkenly shambling from department store to department store watching the game until the security guards chase me out. Go Bears!

Des: Also, the Bears don’t play in Minnesota until December 9th.

DMD: Oops.

Des: Sally McChesty, what are your thoughts?

SMC: I don’t know what Captain Redbeard’s problem is with the Vikings’ uniforms. Did you know that the Phoenicians built their entire civilization on purple? They were famed in Classical Greece and Rome as 'traders in purple', referring to their monopoly on the precious purple dye of the Murex snail, used, among other things, for royal clothing, and for their spread of the alphabet (or abjad), from which all major modern phonetic alphabets are derived.

SR: Arrh, matey! That be some good cuttin’ and pasting from Wikipedia!

PM: Des?

Des: Prissy Minion. What disturbing praise do you have to lavish upon me this holiday season?

PM: Des, your body of work is simultaneously calculating and inspired. Your potent charisma issues a desperate cry for help to the entire 21st century while also transcending the constraints of cultural space and time.

Des: Uh, okay… sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will continue the storied rivalry between the Windy City and the Twin Cities of Minneapolis and Saint Paul. Personally, I was disappointed that Schaumburg surrendered the oversized mall race to the Mall of America. I wanted a monstrously huge mall that could be seen from space!

Bears vs. Texans: 11-11-12

BEARS VS. TEXANS: 11-11-12


Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Houston Texans, one of the worst-named teams in the NFL. What’s next, the Chicago Illinoisans or the Boston Mass-holes? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Dorsal Hair” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, Sally McChesty, and special guest tailgater, Drunky McDumbAss.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Prepare yourselves, ye wretched land-lubbers who be not e’en remotely deserving of the aquatic wisdom I am about to bestow upon thee… I lost me train of thought. Anyway… prepare thyselves as I name Captain Redbeard’s Chum-bucket of the NFL: ‘Tis the Jacksonville Jags, with their 1-8 record. Clearly, they be another team afflicted with Captain Redbeard’s Nautical Curse. Captain, ye may be asking, what did the Jags do to earn your hateful fury? They trespassed upon the sacred turf of Florida, mateys! Only my beloved Tampa Bay Buccaneers deserve to play upon the soil of the Sunshine State! The only reasonable course of action for the Jags is move to Chicago and play upon accursed Wrigley Field as, I don’t know, something lame, like the Chicago Illinoisans, or something equally bad.

Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s game?

CWP: Well, Des, the Bears are 11-22 when they play on dates with five 1’s and two 2’s, and they have a 37-45 record when they play against teams from Texas. That said, the Bears will still win 64-4.

Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. How are things going in tailgate land?

DMD: Des, the last thing I remember is blowing 30 dollars on 20 Long Island Iced Teas at the Smart Bar in 1986. Now I’ve woken up outside some giant spaceship where Soldier Field used to be. What year is this?

Des: 2012.

DMD: Oh. Well, I can safely assume that the Bears created an unstoppable dynasty and won 60 Superbowls after their 1985 championship.

Des: Well, kind of. They did play in the Superbowl at the end of the 2006 season. And lost. So, Drunky McDumbAss: I bet you’ll be pretty freaked to learn that we just re-elected a president named Barack HUSSEIN OBAMA?!? Which sounds like “Osama”?!? Get it?!?

DMD: Yeah, Des, I would care if anyone in 1986 would have any idea who either Saddam Hussein or Osama bin Laden were.

Des: Sally McChesty, we inexplicably sent you overseas to Afghanistan to find out how our soldiers are enjoying our Bears blog. Are they huddled around a laptop, laughing it up over our shenanigans?

SMC: Des, have you bothered to check your site meter? You have maybe 4 readers who stumble onto it by accident. I sold your ticket to Afghanistan on e-Bay for a case of Boone’s Farm, trying to forget that this “show” even exists.

PM: Des?

Des: Prissy Minion?!? What are you doing here?

PM: I’m saddened by the complete lack of Des worship from my replacements. You may only have 4 random readers, but what they have received is nothing less than a jubilant celebration of life in all its textures and colors and roller coaster ride ups and downs. You captivate the globe with your calls for hedonistic abandonment.

Des: Wait a minute. Isn’t that the I-tunes review for “One Direction”, or, as Mad magazine presumably calls them, “One Dimension”? Still, that makes me feels better inside.

Uh, sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will demonstrate whether they are the real deal, or… a real steal like these Timex watches, which dad will really appreciate this holiday season, at Target, where holiday deals mean holiday steals!

Bears vs. Rams: 12-6-09

BEARS VS. RAMS: 12-6-09

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Rams in the first game that has not been nationally televised in a month. Will the Bears take the opportunity to rebuild under the radar? Or will St. Louis accidently lose the draft pick race to Cleveland and Tampa Bay?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “the Walrus” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and avatar of Christmas cheer, Santa Claus.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Allow me to pour a 40 ounce bottle of rum on the curb for me fallen brethren of the skull and crossbones who were recently captured by the Dutch Navy. Who even knew those wooden shoe wearing tulip eaters even had a navy? Anyway, the Bears should use the “Hardtack Defense”, a defense that’s bland and flavorless, but is hard and unyielding. Just don’t dip it in coffee, or “the black awakening”, as we in the pirate profession like to call it.

Des: Yeah, thanks, Captain. Modre. What should the Bears do?

Modre: French Classical Writer Francois De La Rochefoucauld once said, “Usually we praise only to be praised.” That said, Des, you are a comedic genius.

Des: I offer nothing in return. Santa Claus. Your thoughts about the Bears.

Santa: Oh, ho, ho, ho! Bears fans will receive a Christmas gift that Ron Turner will not enjoy.

Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this?

PM: Oh, Des. As British Sportsman Writer Charles Caleb Colton once said, “When millions applaud you seriously ask yourself what harm you have done; and when they disapprove you, what good.” Think about that, won’t you?

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game brought to you by "V: the Visitors", which was pre-empted by a Charlie Brown Christmas, which was, in turn interrupted by President Obama. Like the Visitors, Obama is also “of peace… always.”

Bears vs. Eagles: 11-22-09

BEARS VS. EAGLES: 11-22-09

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Eagles on a Sunday night game, after a heart-breaking loss to Mike Singletary’s 49ers. Will the Bears redeem themselves in front of another national audience? Or will Keith Olbermann proclaim Jerry Angelo "The Worst Person in the World"?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Shave and a Haircut” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and famed deceased author Aldous Huxley.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! The only way that quarterback Jay Cutler could be more obvious in his play calling would be if he were using signaling flags. Here’s some ideas of signaling flags the Bears might want to use now: “Foxtrot: disabled” or “x-ray: stop your intention” or “Juliette: On Fire, keep clear”. Devin Hester might want to use: “LO- I am not in my correct position.” or “ZL- Your signal has been received but is not understood.” Matt Forte could use: “RU- keep clear of me; I am maneuvering with difficulty.” Lovie Smith should use: “DV- I am drifting” or “JL- I am running the risk of going aground.” This is Frank Caliendo, and my “upset special” is the Tampa Bay Buccaneers defeating the New Orleans Saints.

Des: Yeah, thanks, Captain. Modre. What should the Bears do?

Modre: I am depressed that I failed to refer to “Samurai” Mike Singletary last week.

Des: Aldous Huxley. Your thoughts.

AH: Ford’s in a flivver! Sucks to your ass-mar! Molly Ringwald is so… pneumatic!

Des: Okay, then. Prissy Minion. What bizarre compliment do you have for me this week?

PM: Oh, Des. The cosine squared of your obscure references plus the sine squared of your well-timed delivery equals one satisfied customer.

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game brought to you by "V: the Visitors", starring Morena Baccarin, who was obviously modeled after Hillary Clinton in that they are both women.

Bears vs. Bengals: 10-25-09

BEARS VS. BENGALS: 10-25-09

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Cincinnati Bengals after a heartbreaking loss to the Atlanta Falcons. Will the Bears put together a competent offense and a two minute defense? Or will “Ocho-Cinco” cause the Bears to fear the girly-swirly helmets that adorn the skulls of the Bengals?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Falcon and the Snowman” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and famed dead celebrity Kurt Cobain.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Ye athletic representatives of Tennessee, Tampa Bay, and St. Louis stand accused of football incompetence before the drum-head court of Captain Silas Redbeard, scourge of the seven seas and many a fantasy football league! Tennessee and St. Louis, your zero-and-six records sadden this mariner’s heart and bring disgrace to your proud cities. But Tampa Bay: As the only feared buccaneer in the Northern Hemisphere, I decree that your winless performance brings naught but shame upon the noble profession of piracy! Thou shalt be punished by exile to the British Isles for a fortnight! I have spoken! Imperious Rex!

Des: Concord Peabody. Your thoughts.

CP: The Bears brick wall defense and slippery special teams remind me of the time I was a veal farmer and…

Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?

Modre: In China, October 26 is the “double nine” festival because it is the 9th day of the 9th lunar month. Thus it is written that the Bears will win by 9 points after forcing 9 turnovers. The offense will under-perform.

Des: Kurt Cobain. Your impressions.

KC: “I bought a gun and chose drugs instead.” Then it was back to the gun.

Des: Okay, then. Prissy Minion. Your final thought.

PM: Oh, Des. Thinking outside the box for you means thinking outside of a tesseract.

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game brought to you by Rush Limbaugh, who has sworn a terrible vengeance against the National Football League for spurning his financial advances.