Bears vs. Buccaneers: 12-21-2015

Des: Welcome to a one of a handful of editions of the Chicago Bears football play-by-play (more or less) show of the second quarter of the Bears/Buccaneers game.

Redbeard: Of which I have more than a passing interest, mateys! For once.

Des: Indeed. The Bears have carved a niche for themselves as the team that scares their opponents in the fourth quarter without actually beating them. Will this trend continue against their former mentor Lovie Smith, much as some Force Awakens character does against its clumsy analog to Ben Kenobi? Or will the Bears begin their assent to greatness by jettisoning whatever their version of Jar Jar Binks is? (A hint: Their analog better not be Matt Forte). Or will the Bears continue to get breaks that negate costly turnovers that are magically transformed into Bears first downs, and subsequently touchdowns?

Des: To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: But first... Bears get up to the 2 yard line of Tampa Bay based on a pass interference call against the Bucs. And now the Bears have a touchdown to tie things up.

Redbeard: Aye. Pass interference be a major flaw that afflicts all of us of the Brotherhood of the Briny Deep, both on and off the water. Once upon a jolly swagman, I remembereth... did Robbie Gould score an extra point?

Des: Yeah, Captain. Your vessel upon which we have inexplicably decided to perform today's play-by-play action does not have Wi-fi that extends to your bathroom, which, for reasons too awful to repeat, is called a "head." 

Concord: Bears get a forced fumble, demonstrating what we hope is another block of a future mighty defense!

Des: And Concord Peabody demonstrates the limitations of a blog based on a "Live" transmission of an NFL game using a "Several Tiers Under Platinum Data Plan." Somehow we jump from the Bears scoring a touchdown directly to the Buccaneers turning over the ball at mid-field. Let's return to game somewhere in progress.

Sally: Des, this play is third and brutally short for the Bears and Chicago earns a first day... which is awesome, because it prevents me from making a clumsy height joke about Captain Redbeard. Meanwhile, the Bears plow down to the Buccaneers' 22 yard line. Now they are within the Bucs' "Red Zone."

Modre: The Bears make their way to the "Dr. Pepper Red Zone." As an obscurantist, I prefer to think of it as the "Mr. Pibb Red Zone."

Des: Or the "Diet Rite Red Zone."

Concord: While you guys are busy making dumb references to long deceased colas, the Bears had to settle for a field goal. Nonetheless, Bears lead 10-7 with 3 minutes left in the first half!

Des: So... even though there is almost no time left, let's finish our intro: To answer these and similar.. events (?)... is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody...

Sally: And the game resumes with Tampa Bay's offense taking the field. Eddie Goldman gets a really important sack against Tampa Bay's quarterback at a crucial fourth down, which calls forth the 2 minute warning. Now for some really ridiculous background music if you are listening to this game via the NFL app on a "smart" phone.

Des: ..is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles "Darth Hideous" Redbeard...

Redbeard: ARRRRRRRRHHHHHH, mateys. Be ye really entrusted with so much time that we can cram in multiple Star Wars references?

Sally: Bears get to the 24 yard line with a minute left in the half... and now they are at the 10 yard line with 30 seconds to go, and they take a time out. Then Cutler throws incomplete... now he completes a pass to Royal for a five yard gain, they call another time out. 

Sally: Five yard penalty against the Bears for a false star penalty. This will cost them the run, probably. 

Sally: Incomplete pass to the end zone to Eddie Royal in the end zone... very catchable.

Des: So the Bears go into halftime with a 13-7 lead... let's add the voices of Ellie Mae MacGillicutty, Prissy Minion, and Drunky McDumbAss as we wrap things up.

Ellie: Well, Des, to transition from football to Trump, let's think about your worst nightmare, which used to be that a hillbilly sheriff from my stomping grounds of the ultra-deep south would become the Republican nominee. How does it feel to see your stereotype of me being embodied by a New Yorker who might be your next president?

Des: Yeah, until now I never really saw the 2016 race as a possible clash between two New York natives, and that one would be a transplanted Arkansan who would be considered the more liberal of the two. Thanks for depressing me further, Ellie Mae. Prissy Minion. Make me feel better about myself, would you?

Prissy: Gladly, Des. Though Yuletide tidings of comfort and joy may be beyond my power as we enter the doldrums between Christmas and New Year's Eve, consider that I, and probably future cultural historians hired by the last humanoids running the Monsanto Corporation, think of this blog as one whose copious servings of play-by-excitement, Star Wars references, and oblique Donald Trump commentary yield a rich concoction of flavorful delight-ment that are both good and good for you.

Des: Okay. Drunky McDumbAss. Were you responsible for Prissy Minion's previous comments.

Drunky: Maybe. Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears continue this game in the second half at your favorite Chinese restaurant's bar region over a scorpion bowl or twelve.

Bears vs. Lions: 12-30-2012

BEARS VS LIONS: 12-30-2012


Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions in a must-win game. Will the Bears defeat the Lions by repeating last week’s winning formula of a strong passing game to Brandon Marshall, an opportunistic defense, and good field position? Or will the call go forth for the one-two punch of Rex Ryan and a new mediocre quarterback miscast as the next big thing? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Orthographic Matrix” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and Internet hall monitor, Sally McChesty.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! In order for the Bears to skulk into the playoffs, 60 teams must lose this Sunday. Luckily, one of those teams is the Cubs. But, seriously, folks, as a drunken sea pirate, I’m accustomed to having my fate placed in the hands of forces beyond my control. Unfortunately, those forces turn out to be my personal demons, more often than not. So… what must the Bears do? Lovie Smith should delegate coaching the Bears game to his subordinates, and instead turn his focus to hexing the Vikings through his TV set in the Bears locker room, doing whatever rituals have been taught to us by Bud Light commercials, whether it be listening to Stevie Wonder, rubbing a rabbit’s foot, spinning the Bud Light label toward the TV, or experiencing horrible flashbacks of how the Packers beat the Bears two weeks ago and somehow reimagining the Bears jerseys as Vikings jerseys and muttering “Rex Grossman is our quarterback” while rocking back and forth in a fetal position.

Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s game?

CWP: Des, Brian Urlacher is still out with an injury, Calvin Johnson is 108 yards away from being the first player in history to reach 2,000 receiving yards in one season, and the Lions would love to be the team that knocks the Bears out of contention and Lovie Smith out of a job. That said, the Bears will still win 38-10. Unfortunately, the Vikings will also win: 23-21.

Des: Kind of a downer, Concord. Modre. What are your thoughts?

Modre: Nietzsche once said that, “It is impossible to suffer without making someone pay for it; every complaint already contains revenge.” If this is so, Jay Mariotti’s vengeance is to be more feared than even Dick Cheney’s.

Des: Sally McChesty. We asked you to cull the Internet for insights from the blogosphere. What do you have for us?

SMC: Here are some gems for you, Des:
“A few former Bears have done pretty well as coaches: Jim Harbaugh, Leslie Fraser, and even Sean Payton, if you count spare Bears. Why not Ron Rivera, or, hell, I’d take Mike Tomczak as head coach at this point.”
“Jay Cutler is the best quarterback the Bears have had in the color television era, sadly.”
“The Bears will beat Detroit, only to lose to the Packers the following week.”
“Given that the Bears started with a 7-1 record before ending up 9-6, what the Bears need most in 2013 is a strike-shortened season.”

Des: Thank you, Sally. Drunky McDumbAss. How are things in tailgate land?

DMD: Des, I’m in the awkward position of having to cheer for the Packers this week before having to cheer against them next week. Fortunately, I have my good friend alcohol to resolve this dilemma for me.

Des: Prissy Minion. Bring this in for a landing on an ice-coated runway, won’t you?

PM: Des, you’re the funniest non-Canadian sports commentator. Your comedy paints a picture using nothing but primary colors. Blue is a primary color, right?

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game brought to you by Blizzak Tires: If you can write your name in the snow, it’s time for winter tires.

Bears vs. Cardinals: 12-23-2012

BEARS VS CARDINALS: 12-23-2012

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against their arch-nemesis the Arizona Cardinals after eliminating themselves from the playoffs last week. Will the Bears manage to win their last two games against mediocre teams? And will this be enough to save Coach Lovie Smith’s job? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “The Silence” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and puff-piece maestro, Sally McChesty.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Once again, the Bears suffer yet enough late season decline and collapse. I’ve not seen this sort of slow degradation since the Roman, Byzantine, Ottoman, Austro-Hungarian, British, Soviet, and possibly… American… empires. What must the Bears do? If history must be misapplied again to an irrelevant context, I would say, in chronological order, avoid used lead plumbing, build better defenses against the Turks and the Crusaders, don’t rely on a army of slaves, avoid the perils of nationalism if you have a multi-ethnic empire that’s in the way of two other empires, don’t over-extend a sea-based empire and try to avoid being bankrupted by two world wars, don’t enact sweeping reforms without developing a broad base of support, and don’t over-borrow from the Chinese. Although, in truth, the Bears just need a better offensive line.

Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s game?

CWP: Des, the Bears are 75-42 against teams in cities where the average age of its residents is a hundred and nineteen, nineteen, na na na na, nineteen, nineteen.

Des: All those who remember that reference, they won’t forget what they’ve seen. Destruction of comedy in its prime…

SR: None of us will receive a hero’s welcome, either. And rightfully so. Season’s beatings, ye wretched land-lubbers!

Bears vs. Packers: 12-16-2012

BEARS VS. PACKERS: 12-16-2012

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against their arch-nemesis the Green Bay Packers after a difficult loss to the Minnesota Vikings. Will the Bears finally find the key to defeating the Green Bay Packers? Or will five interceptions that result in no points be the greatest gift Bears fans can expect to receive? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Dog Star” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and this year’s sexy Mrs. Claus, Sally McChesty,

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Well, Des, like the legendary Brett Favre, I’ve “started” every game on this particular broadcast since 2002. But, also, like good old Number 4, I’m getting old and tired and forcing the comedic ball too many times only to be intercepted repeatedly. Therefore, Bears win 22-21.

Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s game?

CWP: Well, Des, on paper, everything seems to be against the Bears today: Clay Matthews is expected to return and pound Jay Cutler repeatedly, Lovie Smith is on the hot seat for having several consecutive late season fades, Matt Forte might have negative yardage against the Pack defense, Brian Urlacher’s absence makes the Bears D vulnerable up the middle, and the Bears haven’t beaten the Packers in a meaningful game since the Majikowski era. Still, the Bears should win 45-10.

Des: Sally McChesty, we asked you to pose for our calendar to raise money for the expenses incurred by this pregame spectacular. How’s it coming?

SMC: Des, the pin-up calendar might sell better if it didn’t also contain the hideous visages of Captain Redbeard, Modre, the Prissy Minion, and especially the seven months of unspeakable things done to Drunky McDumbAss while he’s passed out.

Des: Modre. What “transcendently” nonsensical quote do you have for us?
Modre: Your famed crooner Leonard Cohen said it best, “I’ve seen the future, brother: it is murder.”
Des: He also said something to the effect of, “Despite all the tragedies and horrors, there is still a small, silly, irrelevant voice that says: There ain’t no cure for love.”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fnf4yuXg0ek

Bears vs. Vikings: 12-27-09

BEARS VS. VIKINGS: 12-27-09

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Minnesota Vikings in another game inexplicably shown to a national audience. Can the Bears take advantage of a weakening Brett Favre, who is crumbling to dust like the Ghost of Christmas Present? Or will the Bears face another holiday horror, like Jim Carrey's Christmas Carol?

Des: To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles "Thin White Duke" Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western stereotype, the Prissy Minion, and famed symbol of renewal, the Baby New Year.

Redbeard: ARRRHHH, mateys! There be much idle speculation about whether Coach Lovie Smith will be fired come the end of this season. There be only one true way to settle this. Mutiny! But not the passive aggressive mutiny the Bears have performed so far. Nay! Swords must be drawn for a halftime spectacular that would be far more entertaining than anything ESPN's "Jabberjaw" has to blather about.

Des: Concord Peabody. Your thoughts.

CWP: The Bears are 24-7 whenever the defensive line of the Bears is on average 10 years younger than the opposing team's offensive line. Unfortunately, I have no idea whether that's the case in this game.

Des: Modre, what are your thoughts?

Modre: The cleansing whiteness of winter's snowfall will fail to shield Bears fans from the grim reality of Ron Turner's play calling.

Des: Prissy Minion. Do you have any relevant comments? Pleae?

PM: That is a Christmas gift that is beyond my capability.

Des: Baby New Year. What do you see in the Bears' future?

BNY: I'm too busy worrying about being eaten by Eon to concern myself with your petty sports teams.

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a match that will put an exclamation point of 2009! Unfortunately, I have no idea what the rest of the sentence says.

Bears vs. Eagles: 11-22-09

BEARS VS. EAGLES: 11-22-09

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Eagles on a Sunday night game, after a heart-breaking loss to Mike Singletary’s 49ers. Will the Bears redeem themselves in front of another national audience? Or will Keith Olbermann proclaim Jerry Angelo "The Worst Person in the World"?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Shave and a Haircut” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and famed deceased author Aldous Huxley.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! The only way that quarterback Jay Cutler could be more obvious in his play calling would be if he were using signaling flags. Here’s some ideas of signaling flags the Bears might want to use now: “Foxtrot: disabled” or “x-ray: stop your intention” or “Juliette: On Fire, keep clear”. Devin Hester might want to use: “LO- I am not in my correct position.” or “ZL- Your signal has been received but is not understood.” Matt Forte could use: “RU- keep clear of me; I am maneuvering with difficulty.” Lovie Smith should use: “DV- I am drifting” or “JL- I am running the risk of going aground.” This is Frank Caliendo, and my “upset special” is the Tampa Bay Buccaneers defeating the New Orleans Saints.

Des: Yeah, thanks, Captain. Modre. What should the Bears do?

Modre: I am depressed that I failed to refer to “Samurai” Mike Singletary last week.

Des: Aldous Huxley. Your thoughts.

AH: Ford’s in a flivver! Sucks to your ass-mar! Molly Ringwald is so… pneumatic!

Des: Okay, then. Prissy Minion. What bizarre compliment do you have for me this week?

PM: Oh, Des. The cosine squared of your obscure references plus the sine squared of your well-timed delivery equals one satisfied customer.

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game brought to you by "V: the Visitors", starring Morena Baccarin, who was obviously modeled after Hillary Clinton in that they are both women.