Bears vs. Lions: 12-21-2014

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears will bench Jay Cutler in hopes of that Jimmy Clausen can lead the defense to allow less than 30 points…

Sally: Yeah, the Bears benched Jay Cutler in hopes that fans will shut up for 5 minutes so Trestman can get to his car. Another failed game plan, by the way.

Des: Will the Bears do the Packers yet one more favor by somehow getting an upset win over the Lions, or will Clausen do the Bears a favor by having a horrible game, thus forcing the Bears front office to deploy the much-needed pin sweeper on the coaching staff, ushering in the inevitable Jim Harbaugh/Mike Singletary era?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “No Gherkin Around” Redbeard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae McGillicutty, and finally, a man who’s filled with more Christmas spirits than every community college theater adaptation of A Christmas Carol put together, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHH, mateys! If there be one thing Marc Trestman, Jay Cutler, and I have in common, it be that our strategies are much more obvious to our enemies than to our own team/crew. Of course, when your strategy is to set your ship’s gunpowder on fire and ram your ship into the flagship of the British Royal Navy, ‘tis best to keep your crew in the dark about that.

            On a related or parenthetic topic, (or both), the Bears have utilized a succession of emotionless robots to coach the Bears. Perhaps ‘tis time to instead employ a raging psychopath to instill fear and terror into the Bears, and, with any luck, opposing teams. Mayhap a Jim Harbaugh or Mike Singletary be just what the Bears need. Or, alternatively, the Bears could hire a coach whose unnaturally calm demeanor barely masks an unquenchable fury and disdain for all mankind, i.e. Bill Belichick.

Des: Concord, what are your thoughts?

Concord: Des, the Bears are 175-200 when they use their backup quarterback, which sounds bad until you consider that they are 57-312 when they use their first-stringers.

Des: Ellie Mae. Any closing words?

Ellie: Merry Christmas, if by “Merry Christmas”, you mean a Christmas that isn’t a “mash-up” of the most depressing elements of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, and Kenny Rogers songs. I always said Christmas was more of an absence than a presence. Or “presents”, if you’re talking about the McGillicutty household.

Des: And, on that note… Happy Holidays!

Thanks to "friend of the blog" Agent Screamin' for the opening joke. And by "friend of the blog", I mean someone who wished the blog no specific harm.

Bears vs. Seahawks: 10-17-10

BEARS VS. SEAHAWKS: 10-17-10

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Seattle Seahawks after defeating the Carolina Panthers despite a weak performance by backup quarterback Todd Collins. Will Jay Cutler return to reignite the Bears’ sputtering offense? Or should the Bears drop the pretense of having a quarterback and just hand it off to Matt Forte every play? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Speaker-Boxx” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! The Buffalo Bills, Carolina Panthers, and San Francisco 49ers are 0-5 teams, which be truly embarrassing since I picked the Bills and 49ers to go to the playoffs. Just you try to collect me gambling debts, Las Vegas bookies! I think you’ll find my imaginary pirate fleet to be more than a match for your pirate-themed hotels. So… which team be truly accursed to go 0-16? I choose the San Francisco 49ers! But, please, please, do not dismiss your flamboyant skipper Mike Singletary. His psychotic rages are far more entertaining than anything else the NFL has to offer and will be the source of many, many Coors Light commercials.

Des: Uh, thank you, Captain. That’s actually one of your less disturbing tirades. Drunky McDumb-Ass. What do you foresee happening on Football Sunday?

DMD: Des, I foresee my “Fan-bulance” being converted back to an ambulance by the end of first quarter.

Des: Modre. How will the Bears do against the Seattle Seahawks if Jay Cutler is unavailable?

Modre: The body cannot live without the mind. Unless you’re the Bears, in which case the body cannot live without the fleet feet of Matt Forte.

Des: Wow… Modre, that comment was actually somewhat related to football.

Modre: I hang my head in shame.

Des: Concord Peabody. Any irrelevant stats you want to share?

CWP: Des, the Bears are 57-43 lifetime when their quarterback has a single digit quarterback rating and 3-1 when they have a rating over 100.

Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?

PM: Oh, Des. Your football posts are like paintings of Elvis on black velvet: best appreciated ironically.

Des: Uh, sit back and watch with your fake “3D” TV as the Bears face off in a rivalry as ancient as that of Sparta versus… whoever they fought, and as equally loud, with a lot of unnecessary shouting.

Bears vs. Eagles: 11-22-09

BEARS VS. EAGLES: 11-22-09

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Eagles on a Sunday night game, after a heart-breaking loss to Mike Singletary’s 49ers. Will the Bears redeem themselves in front of another national audience? Or will Keith Olbermann proclaim Jerry Angelo "The Worst Person in the World"?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Shave and a Haircut” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and famed deceased author Aldous Huxley.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! The only way that quarterback Jay Cutler could be more obvious in his play calling would be if he were using signaling flags. Here’s some ideas of signaling flags the Bears might want to use now: “Foxtrot: disabled” or “x-ray: stop your intention” or “Juliette: On Fire, keep clear”. Devin Hester might want to use: “LO- I am not in my correct position.” or “ZL- Your signal has been received but is not understood.” Matt Forte could use: “RU- keep clear of me; I am maneuvering with difficulty.” Lovie Smith should use: “DV- I am drifting” or “JL- I am running the risk of going aground.” This is Frank Caliendo, and my “upset special” is the Tampa Bay Buccaneers defeating the New Orleans Saints.

Des: Yeah, thanks, Captain. Modre. What should the Bears do?

Modre: I am depressed that I failed to refer to “Samurai” Mike Singletary last week.

Des: Aldous Huxley. Your thoughts.

AH: Ford’s in a flivver! Sucks to your ass-mar! Molly Ringwald is so… pneumatic!

Des: Okay, then. Prissy Minion. What bizarre compliment do you have for me this week?

PM: Oh, Des. The cosine squared of your obscure references plus the sine squared of your well-timed delivery equals one satisfied customer.

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game brought to you by "V: the Visitors", starring Morena Baccarin, who was obviously modeled after Hillary Clinton in that they are both women.

Bears vs. Titans: 11-9-08

BEARS VS. TITANS: 11-9-08

Note: This episode presumed that John McCain would win the election.

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. Oedipus Rex barely squeaks out a win against the worst team in the NFL. Will the offense, defense, and special teams somehow pull themselves together just long enough to create a McCain-esque upset? And will this victory also depend upon coaches’ challenges to all 50 States of the Union?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Rainbow Bright Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Like Kyle Orton, me ankle has swollen to five times its normal size. Therefore, I’m predicting that Rex Grossman will score 7 touchdowns and throw 12 interceptions. The final score, laddies: Chicago- 49; Tennessee- 45.

Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?

CP: Well, the Bears have played in 2 Super Bowls under Republican presidents and 1 national championship during FDR’s presidency. The Cubs also won a world championship during a Roosevelt term—Teddy Roosevelt’s.

Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?

Modre: If genius is pain, then Joe Buck’s life is an endless state of nirvana.

Des: Albert Einstein. Look through the tissue of lies for us.

AE: Guten tag, mein uber-fans. “Technological progress is like an axe in the hands of a pathological criminal." Or a football in the hands of Rex Grossman… which, I guess means that science sometimes scores a touchdown… but then it gets intercepted by the military-industrial complex?? Is that what I’m driving at?

Des: Prissy Minion. What now?

PM: Oh, Des. Mike Singletary’s motivational techniques…

Des: …and that’s all the time we have. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a match that will make you laugh, make you cry, but most important, make you think. Did I say “think”? I meant “drink”. In a good way.