BEARS VS. VIKINGS: 11-30-08
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Vikings after destroying the Rams. Will Chicago stand tall and proud as the sole leader of the NFC North with a 7-5 record? Or will Minnesota’s offense power them through Bears’ injury-plagued defense?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Joey-Joe-Joe-Shabadoo” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! There be no better way to spend $2 million in ransom for a French luxury yacht than me football “picks to click”. I select Miami over the Rams, the Colts defeat the Browns, and the Panthers tear up the Packers. I choose the 49ers as me “upset” pick over the Bills.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?
CP: Well, the Bears are 12-4 against teams in states governed by former comedians, professional wrestlers, and other failed entertainers. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: In the NFC North, you don’t have to be good, just good… enough.
Des: Albert Einstein. Stab at the heart of truth for us.
AE: Guten tag, meine kameraden. "Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent.” And, if you’re Fox Sports, more pointless and pseudo patriotic.
Des: Prissy Minion. What now?
PM: Oh, Des. I can see why genderanalyzer.com said there was a 62% chance that this website was written by a woman.
Des: Sit back and watch with your bucket of Bud as the Bears face off in a battle that will renew your Spirit of Christmas with a combination of violence and commercialism not seen since “Chuck Norris Saves Christmas”.
Showing posts with label Albert EInstein. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Albert EInstein. Show all posts
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Bears vs. Rams: 11-23-08
BEARS VS. RAMS: 11-23-08
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against St. Louis after a thrashing by Green Bay. Will Chicago emerge stronger physically, mentally, spiritually, and financially from such a thorough defeat? Or will the Bears prove to be a tragic metaphor for America’s economic condition… somehow?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Yukon Cornelius Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! After a long day of seizing Saudi super-tankers filled with precious oil off the coast of Somalia, you’d think there’d be nothing I dread and fear more than the Russian Navy. Ye’d be tragically mistaken! What haunts my dreams is that we be one Neckbeard away from being the Detroit Lions.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?
CP: Well, the Bears are 15-4 against teams in cities that don’t believe in sewage treatment. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: The Bears must defeat the Demons of Denak to emerge victorious. Since they don’t possess the Darkholde to banish the forces of evil, they must resort to better play calling.
Des: Albert Einstein. Stab at the heart of truth for us.
AE: Guten tag, meine Bürger von Chicago. "Great spirits have always found violent opposition from mediocrities. The latter cannot understand it when a man does not thoughtlessly submit to hereditary prejudices but honestly and courageously uses his intelligence." If you think I’m talking about Dennis Miller’s tenure on Monday Night Football, think again, meine Kätzchen.
Des: Prissy Minion. What now?
PM: Oh, Des. When space aliens find this disc on the next Voyager space craft, they’ll know where to turn for sports and cultural information.
Des: Sit back and watch with your collection of random acquaintances as the Bears face off in a classic I-55 rivalry that will redefine sports as something that transcends mere entertainment into something that hits too close to home.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against St. Louis after a thrashing by Green Bay. Will Chicago emerge stronger physically, mentally, spiritually, and financially from such a thorough defeat? Or will the Bears prove to be a tragic metaphor for America’s economic condition… somehow?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Yukon Cornelius Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! After a long day of seizing Saudi super-tankers filled with precious oil off the coast of Somalia, you’d think there’d be nothing I dread and fear more than the Russian Navy. Ye’d be tragically mistaken! What haunts my dreams is that we be one Neckbeard away from being the Detroit Lions.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?
CP: Well, the Bears are 15-4 against teams in cities that don’t believe in sewage treatment. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: The Bears must defeat the Demons of Denak to emerge victorious. Since they don’t possess the Darkholde to banish the forces of evil, they must resort to better play calling.
Des: Albert Einstein. Stab at the heart of truth for us.
AE: Guten tag, meine Bürger von Chicago. "Great spirits have always found violent opposition from mediocrities. The latter cannot understand it when a man does not thoughtlessly submit to hereditary prejudices but honestly and courageously uses his intelligence." If you think I’m talking about Dennis Miller’s tenure on Monday Night Football, think again, meine Kätzchen.
Des: Prissy Minion. What now?
PM: Oh, Des. When space aliens find this disc on the next Voyager space craft, they’ll know where to turn for sports and cultural information.
Des: Sit back and watch with your collection of random acquaintances as the Bears face off in a classic I-55 rivalry that will redefine sports as something that transcends mere entertainment into something that hits too close to home.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Bears vs. Packers: 11-16-08
BEARS VS. PACKERS: 11-16-08
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against Green Bay in the post-Favre era. Will the return of “Neckbeard” galvanize Chicago? Or will the Bears defense allow enough time for Favre’s successor to baste a turkey before throwing a touchdown?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Aladdin Sane Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Me stomach is in violent revolt after a hearty breakfast of hardtack soaking in a homemade alcoholic beverage I like to call “Davey Jones’s Locker.” Therefore, me “upset” pick is the Cincinnati Bengals defeating the Philadelphia Eagles.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?
CP: Well, the Bears are 24-7 against teams whose fans have enough cholesterol to plug up the Marianas Trench. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: The Bears are 16-3 whenever the Aztec calendar’s daysign is dedicated to Cuetzpalin. You don’t want to know what happens when Tlacaxipehualitzli is ascendant.
Des: Wasn’t “Cuetzpalin” Sarah Palin’s 12th child? Albert Einstein. Tear apart the tapestry of deception for us.
AE: Guten tag, mein wunderkind. "Too many of us look upon Americans as dollar chasers. This is a cruel libel, even if it is reiterated thoughtlessly by the Americans themselves." This quote was brought to you by Head-On. Head-On: Apply directly to the forehead.
Des: Prissy Minion. What now?
PM: Oh, Des. No one packs in the obscure references like you. You’re a pre-9/11 Dennis Miller.
Des: Sit back and watch with your sack full of Funyons and self-hatred as the Bears face off in a classic rivalry not seen since the days of Wile E. Coyote v. Roadrunner
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against Green Bay in the post-Favre era. Will the return of “Neckbeard” galvanize Chicago? Or will the Bears defense allow enough time for Favre’s successor to baste a turkey before throwing a touchdown?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Aladdin Sane Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Me stomach is in violent revolt after a hearty breakfast of hardtack soaking in a homemade alcoholic beverage I like to call “Davey Jones’s Locker.” Therefore, me “upset” pick is the Cincinnati Bengals defeating the Philadelphia Eagles.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?
CP: Well, the Bears are 24-7 against teams whose fans have enough cholesterol to plug up the Marianas Trench. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: The Bears are 16-3 whenever the Aztec calendar’s daysign is dedicated to Cuetzpalin. You don’t want to know what happens when Tlacaxipehualitzli is ascendant.
Des: Wasn’t “Cuetzpalin” Sarah Palin’s 12th child? Albert Einstein. Tear apart the tapestry of deception for us.
AE: Guten tag, mein wunderkind. "Too many of us look upon Americans as dollar chasers. This is a cruel libel, even if it is reiterated thoughtlessly by the Americans themselves." This quote was brought to you by Head-On. Head-On: Apply directly to the forehead.
Des: Prissy Minion. What now?
PM: Oh, Des. No one packs in the obscure references like you. You’re a pre-9/11 Dennis Miller.
Des: Sit back and watch with your sack full of Funyons and self-hatred as the Bears face off in a classic rivalry not seen since the days of Wile E. Coyote v. Roadrunner
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Bears vs. Titans: 11-9-08
BEARS VS. TITANS: 11-9-08
Note: This episode presumed that John McCain would win the election.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. Oedipus Rex barely squeaks out a win against the worst team in the NFL. Will the offense, defense, and special teams somehow pull themselves together just long enough to create a McCain-esque upset? And will this victory also depend upon coaches’ challenges to all 50 States of the Union?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Rainbow Bright Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Like Kyle Orton, me ankle has swollen to five times its normal size. Therefore, I’m predicting that Rex Grossman will score 7 touchdowns and throw 12 interceptions. The final score, laddies: Chicago- 49; Tennessee- 45.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?
CP: Well, the Bears have played in 2 Super Bowls under Republican presidents and 1 national championship during FDR’s presidency. The Cubs also won a world championship during a Roosevelt term—Teddy Roosevelt’s.
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: If genius is pain, then Joe Buck’s life is an endless state of nirvana.
Des: Albert Einstein. Look through the tissue of lies for us.
AE: Guten tag, mein uber-fans. “Technological progress is like an axe in the hands of a pathological criminal." Or a football in the hands of Rex Grossman… which, I guess means that science sometimes scores a touchdown… but then it gets intercepted by the military-industrial complex?? Is that what I’m driving at?
Des: Prissy Minion. What now?
PM: Oh, Des. Mike Singletary’s motivational techniques…
Des: …and that’s all the time we have. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a match that will make you laugh, make you cry, but most important, make you think. Did I say “think”? I meant “drink”. In a good way.
Note: This episode presumed that John McCain would win the election.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. Oedipus Rex barely squeaks out a win against the worst team in the NFL. Will the offense, defense, and special teams somehow pull themselves together just long enough to create a McCain-esque upset? And will this victory also depend upon coaches’ challenges to all 50 States of the Union?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Rainbow Bright Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Like Kyle Orton, me ankle has swollen to five times its normal size. Therefore, I’m predicting that Rex Grossman will score 7 touchdowns and throw 12 interceptions. The final score, laddies: Chicago- 49; Tennessee- 45.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?
CP: Well, the Bears have played in 2 Super Bowls under Republican presidents and 1 national championship during FDR’s presidency. The Cubs also won a world championship during a Roosevelt term—Teddy Roosevelt’s.
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: If genius is pain, then Joe Buck’s life is an endless state of nirvana.
Des: Albert Einstein. Look through the tissue of lies for us.
AE: Guten tag, mein uber-fans. “Technological progress is like an axe in the hands of a pathological criminal." Or a football in the hands of Rex Grossman… which, I guess means that science sometimes scores a touchdown… but then it gets intercepted by the military-industrial complex?? Is that what I’m driving at?
Des: Prissy Minion. What now?
PM: Oh, Des. Mike Singletary’s motivational techniques…
Des: …and that’s all the time we have. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a match that will make you laugh, make you cry, but most important, make you think. Did I say “think”? I meant “drink”. In a good way.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Bears vs. Vikings: 10-19-08
BEARS VS. VIKINGS: 10-19-08
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Minnesota Vikings after a disappointing loss to the Falcons. Will Chicago’s two minute defense be the equal of their two minute offense? Or will the Bears continue to throw life jackets instead of coffin nails at their opponents?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Horshack Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Me stomach continues to churn after drinkin’ me homemade rum of molasses, laundry detergent, Kool-aid mix, and Moxie cola, so me “upset” pick is going to be the Oakland Raiders defeating the New York Jets.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?
CP: Well, the Bears are 17-10 when it’s the anniversary of Cornwallis’s surrender to George Washington. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: As Tom Robbins once said, “Using words to describe magic is like using a screwdriver to cut roast beef.” Or a tur-duck-en, if you’re John Madden.
Des: Albert Einstein. Your impressions.
AE: Guten tag, meine kleinen Kinder. "Heroism on command, senseless violence, and all the loathsome nonsense that goes by the name of patriotism -- how passionately I hate them!" Except for Wayne Messmer’s “Star Spangled Banner.” Das ist eine National Treasure!
Des: Prissy Minion. What now?
PM: As Joseph Conrad said, “Words are great foes of reality.” Except your words, Des, which are delightfully illuminative.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears destroy their foes with a degree of thorough carnage not seen since Dr. Strange wiped out all vampires with the Montesi Formula.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Minnesota Vikings after a disappointing loss to the Falcons. Will Chicago’s two minute defense be the equal of their two minute offense? Or will the Bears continue to throw life jackets instead of coffin nails at their opponents?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Horshack Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Me stomach continues to churn after drinkin’ me homemade rum of molasses, laundry detergent, Kool-aid mix, and Moxie cola, so me “upset” pick is going to be the Oakland Raiders defeating the New York Jets.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?
CP: Well, the Bears are 17-10 when it’s the anniversary of Cornwallis’s surrender to George Washington. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: As Tom Robbins once said, “Using words to describe magic is like using a screwdriver to cut roast beef.” Or a tur-duck-en, if you’re John Madden.
Des: Albert Einstein. Your impressions.
AE: Guten tag, meine kleinen Kinder. "Heroism on command, senseless violence, and all the loathsome nonsense that goes by the name of patriotism -- how passionately I hate them!" Except for Wayne Messmer’s “Star Spangled Banner.” Das ist eine National Treasure!
Des: Prissy Minion. What now?
PM: As Joseph Conrad said, “Words are great foes of reality.” Except your words, Des, which are delightfully illuminative.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears destroy their foes with a degree of thorough carnage not seen since Dr. Strange wiped out all vampires with the Montesi Formula.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Bears vs. Falcons: 10-12-08
BEARS VS. FALCONS: 10-12-08
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Atlanta Falcons, another team that has feasted on weaker opponents. Will the Bears build on their merciless slaughter of the Detroit Lions? Or will Ron Turner’s “no coast” offense result in “no points” for the Bears?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Brangelina” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! The mariner’s curse has turned its malevolent eye on the Detroit Lions. What can they do to reverse their tragic fate? Nothing! AH, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA! AH, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA! BWAH, HA, HA, HA, HA, HAAAA!!!!!
Des: Thank you, Captain Maniacal. Who will win, Concord Peabody?
CP: Well, the Bears are 70-45 when it’s raining. Unfortunately, it’s bone dry. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: When you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with.
Des: Thank you, Crosby, Stills, Nash, and loser. Albert Einstein. Your impressions.
AE: Guten tag, meine herren. "You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this?” And don’t get me started on the Internet, with its tubes and what not.
Des: Prissy Minion. What must the Bears do?
PM: Love like you’ve never been hurt, sing like no one is listening, and dance like no one is watching. Except I am watching you, Des.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears play in a series of games that will give you hope in November, but lead to bitter disappointment in January—like the upcoming election.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Atlanta Falcons, another team that has feasted on weaker opponents. Will the Bears build on their merciless slaughter of the Detroit Lions? Or will Ron Turner’s “no coast” offense result in “no points” for the Bears?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Brangelina” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! The mariner’s curse has turned its malevolent eye on the Detroit Lions. What can they do to reverse their tragic fate? Nothing! AH, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA! AH, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA! BWAH, HA, HA, HA, HA, HAAAA!!!!!
Des: Thank you, Captain Maniacal. Who will win, Concord Peabody?
CP: Well, the Bears are 70-45 when it’s raining. Unfortunately, it’s bone dry. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: When you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with.
Des: Thank you, Crosby, Stills, Nash, and loser. Albert Einstein. Your impressions.
AE: Guten tag, meine herren. "You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this?” And don’t get me started on the Internet, with its tubes and what not.
Des: Prissy Minion. What must the Bears do?
PM: Love like you’ve never been hurt, sing like no one is listening, and dance like no one is watching. Except I am watching you, Des.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears play in a series of games that will give you hope in November, but lead to bitter disappointment in January—like the upcoming election.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Bears vs. Lions: 10-5-08
BEARS VS. LIONS: 10-5-08
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions, a team that has yet to win a game this season. Will the Bears overcome whatever obstacles their opponents throw their way, like the 2005 White Sox? Or will they collapse at the first sign of trouble, like the 1909 through 2008 Chicago Cubs?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Nosferatu Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! As one who has been afflicted by many a nautical curse after offending many a sea god, only I know how to end the Cubs’ 1000 year curse. The Cubs must burn down Wrigley Field. Every last brick must be annihilated down to the last atom! Indeed, all of historic Wrigley Ville must be purged by the cleansing fire in order to appease whatever magical goat deity Chicago has offended! Then the Cubs must be forced to wander the baseball wilderness for 40 years, playing “home” games solely in obscure Canadian cities, Puerto Rico, and Guam as the Chicago Orphans. Or they need better post season pitching.
Des: Returning to football, who will win, Concord Peabody?
CP: Well, the Bears are 695-510-42 lifetime when the Cubs have failed to play or win a World Series. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: The democratic-communist relationship won’t stand in the way of the Islamic force.
Des: An interesting time to inject politics into this clambake. Albert Einstein. Your impressions.
AE: Guten tag, meine Burger Chicagos. Two things are infinite: the universe and the Cubs curse, and I’m not sure about the universe.
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: As Jean-Paul Sartre once said, “Hell is for other people.” Unless you’re a Cubs fan.
Des: Sit back and watch in your beer-stained bean bag chair as the Bears grapple the Lions in a match that would help you forget about the Cubs… if only the outside world would let you!
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions, a team that has yet to win a game this season. Will the Bears overcome whatever obstacles their opponents throw their way, like the 2005 White Sox? Or will they collapse at the first sign of trouble, like the 1909 through 2008 Chicago Cubs?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Nosferatu Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! As one who has been afflicted by many a nautical curse after offending many a sea god, only I know how to end the Cubs’ 1000 year curse. The Cubs must burn down Wrigley Field. Every last brick must be annihilated down to the last atom! Indeed, all of historic Wrigley Ville must be purged by the cleansing fire in order to appease whatever magical goat deity Chicago has offended! Then the Cubs must be forced to wander the baseball wilderness for 40 years, playing “home” games solely in obscure Canadian cities, Puerto Rico, and Guam as the Chicago Orphans. Or they need better post season pitching.
Des: Returning to football, who will win, Concord Peabody?
CP: Well, the Bears are 695-510-42 lifetime when the Cubs have failed to play or win a World Series. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: The democratic-communist relationship won’t stand in the way of the Islamic force.
Des: An interesting time to inject politics into this clambake. Albert Einstein. Your impressions.
AE: Guten tag, meine Burger Chicagos. Two things are infinite: the universe and the Cubs curse, and I’m not sure about the universe.
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: As Jean-Paul Sartre once said, “Hell is for other people.” Unless you’re a Cubs fan.
Des: Sit back and watch in your beer-stained bean bag chair as the Bears grapple the Lions in a match that would help you forget about the Cubs… if only the outside world would let you!
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Bears vs. Eagles: 9-28-08
BEARS VS. EAGLES: 9-28-08
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Philadelphia Eagles, a team at the bottom of their division with a 2-1 record, while Chicago ranks 3rd with a 1-2 record. Will the Bears learn to avoid untimely penalties against their opponents? Or will an avalanche of yellow flags bury Chicago’s dreams of an 8-8 season?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Tripod Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and providing a dead scientist's perspective: Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! I be the crimson coated demon whose football predictions have filled the treasure chests of gamblers with more booty than a Congressional bailout. Attend me words as I select the winners of this week’s contests: The Buccaneers will scupper the Packers, the Raiders will plunder and impress the Chargers, the Vikings will eviscerate the Titans, and the Seahawks will… have a bye week. Here’s Red-beard’s “Must Avoid at All Costs like a Treacherous Iceberg or an Ancient Mariner’s Curse Game of the Week”: Cleveland versus Cincinnati. Why the NFL continues to waste its time with franchises in Ohio when they could transport these teams to coastal cities whose stadiums are well within the range of me naval bombardments is a question which continues to vex me.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?
CP: Well, the Bears are 9-1 when Kyle Orton drinks a pitcher of White Russians before the game, whether he’s on or off the bench. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: There’s a choice we’re making, we’re saving our own lives. It’s true, we make a better day, just you and me.
Des: We are the world, we are the children. Albert Einstein. Your impressions.
AE: Guten tag, mein Klein sportfreunds. “Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
Des: Prissy Minion. Wrap this up!
PM: The only thing I want wrapped in a bow is you.
Des: (Note to self: Don’t let your expression betray the horror inside.) Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple for the ultimate prize: mastery of the nine realms… or a local car dealer endorsement.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Philadelphia Eagles, a team at the bottom of their division with a 2-1 record, while Chicago ranks 3rd with a 1-2 record. Will the Bears learn to avoid untimely penalties against their opponents? Or will an avalanche of yellow flags bury Chicago’s dreams of an 8-8 season?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Tripod Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and providing a dead scientist's perspective: Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! I be the crimson coated demon whose football predictions have filled the treasure chests of gamblers with more booty than a Congressional bailout. Attend me words as I select the winners of this week’s contests: The Buccaneers will scupper the Packers, the Raiders will plunder and impress the Chargers, the Vikings will eviscerate the Titans, and the Seahawks will… have a bye week. Here’s Red-beard’s “Must Avoid at All Costs like a Treacherous Iceberg or an Ancient Mariner’s Curse Game of the Week”: Cleveland versus Cincinnati. Why the NFL continues to waste its time with franchises in Ohio when they could transport these teams to coastal cities whose stadiums are well within the range of me naval bombardments is a question which continues to vex me.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?
CP: Well, the Bears are 9-1 when Kyle Orton drinks a pitcher of White Russians before the game, whether he’s on or off the bench. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: There’s a choice we’re making, we’re saving our own lives. It’s true, we make a better day, just you and me.
Des: We are the world, we are the children. Albert Einstein. Your impressions.
AE: Guten tag, mein Klein sportfreunds. “Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
Des: Prissy Minion. Wrap this up!
PM: The only thing I want wrapped in a bow is you.
Des: (Note to self: Don’t let your expression betray the horror inside.) Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple for the ultimate prize: mastery of the nine realms… or a local car dealer endorsement.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Bears vs. Buccaneers: 9-21-08
BEARS VS. BUCCANEERS: 9-21-08
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, a team helmed by one of thousands of quarterbacks Chicago has kicked to the curb this decade. Will the Bears be able to play four quarters of football through better conditioning and a diverse playbook? Or will the offense be forced to score 40 points in the first half?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Barbarossa” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Ye athletic representatives of Miami, Cleveland, Cincinnati, and Detroit stand accused of football incompetence before the drum-head court of Barbarossa Hayreddin Pasha, Fleet Admiral of the Ottoman Navy! Sorry if I mispronounced me own name. It’s been 500 years since I was a Turk. I decree that the Cleveland Browns will fail to win a game this season. I have spoken! Imperious Rex!
Des: Uh, Captain, didn’t you predict that the Browns will go to the Super Bowl?
SR: Aye, I hang me head in shame.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?
CWP: Well, the Bears are 694-509-42 lifetime when the temperature is below Fahrenheit 451. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: When you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.
Des: Thanks, Neil Peart. Albert Einstein. Your impressions.
AE: Mein herr, "Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen." Haben sie das verstanden, Herr Madden?
Des: Back from the dead to insult sportscasters. A valuable use of necromancy! Prissy Minion. Put an exclamation point on this madness.
PM: Interjections! For excitement! And emotion!
Des: I saw that coming. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a clash that pales in comparison to the Cubs’ race for the pennant.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, a team helmed by one of thousands of quarterbacks Chicago has kicked to the curb this decade. Will the Bears be able to play four quarters of football through better conditioning and a diverse playbook? Or will the offense be forced to score 40 points in the first half?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Barbarossa” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Ye athletic representatives of Miami, Cleveland, Cincinnati, and Detroit stand accused of football incompetence before the drum-head court of Barbarossa Hayreddin Pasha, Fleet Admiral of the Ottoman Navy! Sorry if I mispronounced me own name. It’s been 500 years since I was a Turk. I decree that the Cleveland Browns will fail to win a game this season. I have spoken! Imperious Rex!
Des: Uh, Captain, didn’t you predict that the Browns will go to the Super Bowl?
SR: Aye, I hang me head in shame.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?
CWP: Well, the Bears are 694-509-42 lifetime when the temperature is below Fahrenheit 451. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: When you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.
Des: Thanks, Neil Peart. Albert Einstein. Your impressions.
AE: Mein herr, "Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen." Haben sie das verstanden, Herr Madden?
Des: Back from the dead to insult sportscasters. A valuable use of necromancy! Prissy Minion. Put an exclamation point on this madness.
PM: Interjections! For excitement! And emotion!
Des: I saw that coming. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a clash that pales in comparison to the Cubs’ race for the pennant.
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