Bears vs. Packers: 1-23-11

BEARS VS. PACKERS: 1-23-11

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football postseason pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Green Bay Packers, the only team that stands in the way of a third trip to the Super-bowl. Will the Packers use their magical cheese-head powers to upset the Bears? Or will the Bears and Jets fulfill the wildest fantasies of the NFL and Fox Network and deliver the largest TV audience for a Super-bowl ever? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody; Captain Silas Charles "The Blue Raja" Redbeard; Modre the trans-Western mystic; the Prissy Minion; and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunk McDumb-Ass.

SR: ARRRRRGGGHHHHH, mateys! The South Korean Navy stole me hijacked freighter in a rout that was almost as embarrassing as the time Richie Rich tricked me into trading me decrepit vessel for a boat made of solid gold that promptly sank to the bottom of the ocean. This week’s solid-gold boat will be the Green Bay Packers, whom I predict will lose by 10 points.

Des: Thank you, Captain. Modre, what wisdom do you have for us?

Modre: James M. Barrie once said, “Life is a long lesson in humility.” However, this is not a lesson the Bears will learn today. Bears win by 20 points.

Des: Concord Peabody, what's your Victory Factor for today’s Bears game?

CP: Des, if you multiply the number of kicking return touchdowns by Devin Hester by the number of rushing and passing yards by Matt Forte and then divide that by the number of jokes Frank Caliendo still makes about Brett Favre, you get a Victory Factor of 531.8008, which, if you type that number into your calculator, and turn it upside-down, equals a good time for the Bears, who will win by 36 points.

Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. How are things in Tailgate Land?

DMD: Well, Des, the latest Miller Lite commercial warns us not to wear sunglasses at night. I applaud the Miller Brewing Company for being proactive and preventing a recurrence of the scourge that decimated so many lives in the 1980s. Also, I predict that this game will be a nail-biter, with the Bears winning by a well-timed 4th quarter safety, causing a massive swarming of Soldier Field by Bears fans led by me, the alcoholic Pied Piper. I’m pretty sure that I will escape any criminal charges for that action… but not for the numerous other celebration-related crimes that will immediately follow.

Des: Prissy Minion, how do you want to finish this off?

PM: Oh, Des. Your humor follows the same winning strategy as the Bears… very, very defensive. The Bears will win by 7 points.

Des: Sit back and watch in a hypothermic coma as the Bears face off in an ice bowl match-up that will lead to either a Super-bowl between two very large, awesome urban metropoli, or a contest between two insignificant, dying Rust Belt hamlets. If you're Fox Sports or Las Vegas, it’s obvious how you want fix this game: Bears win by 14.

Bears vs. Lions: 1-3-10

BEARS VS. LIONS: 1-3-10

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Lions after an amazing win against the Vikings. Can the Bears build on their strengths displayed in last week’s game? Or will they need a new Mike Brady-esque architect to redesign the offense with Frank Lloyd Wright-style unconventionality?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Obi-Wan” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and famed advertiser of sports products, Tiger Woods.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Since the NFL season is pretty much over, these be my college bowl picks for next year: Oklahoma defeats NIU in the Empire Carpet Bowl, Texas Tech beats Indiana in the Big Scary Closet Bowl, MIT destroys Stanford in the Droid Bowl, University of Phoenix defeats DeVry in the John Madden Virtual Bowl, and Bud Light defeats Budweiser Select in the Bud Bowl.

Des: Captain, do those bowls even exist?

SR: And the Beef O’Brady’s Bowl, the County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl, the Meineke Car Care Bowl, the Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl, and the Brut Sun Bowl should be treated with more respect just because they actually exist? Besides, once I have successfully pirated CBS’s signal during the Super-bowl, the Bud Bowl will rise again. If what’s left of the Who play “Behind Blue Eyes” during the half time show, that’s when I will take command of the airwaves.

Des: Let me take a moment to credit “Friend of the Blog” H for suggesting the bowl selection concept. I know he wanted me to wait until next December, but…

Modre: Des, your willingness to suspend Western perceptions of comedic timing will one day endear you to Eastern audiences. The true irony is that this will occur 100 years into the future.

Des: Tiger Woods. Your thoughts about the Bears.

Tiger: How much endorsement money am I being paid for this?

PM: Oh, Des. That joke was well worth waiting six weeks after the Tiger Woods story broke.

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game brought to you by “GoDaddy.com”, where Tiger Woods will appear alongside Danica Patrick soon.

Bears vs. Buccaneers: 9-21-08

BEARS VS. BUCCANEERS: 9-21-08

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, a team helmed by one of thousands of quarterbacks Chicago has kicked to the curb this decade. Will the Bears be able to play four quarters of football through better conditioning and a diverse playbook? Or will the offense be forced to score 40 points in the first half?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Barbarossa” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Ye athletic representatives of Miami, Cleveland, Cincinnati, and Detroit stand accused of football incompetence before the drum-head court of Barbarossa Hayreddin Pasha, Fleet Admiral of the Ottoman Navy! Sorry if I mispronounced me own name. It’s been 500 years since I was a Turk. I decree that the Cleveland Browns will fail to win a game this season. I have spoken! Imperious Rex!

Des: Uh, Captain, didn’t you predict that the Browns will go to the Super Bowl?

SR: Aye, I hang me head in shame.

Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?

CWP: Well, the Bears are 694-509-42 lifetime when the temperature is below Fahrenheit 451. Go Bears!

Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?

Modre: When you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.

Des: Thanks, Neil Peart. Albert Einstein. Your impressions.

AE: Mein herr, "Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen." Haben sie das verstanden, Herr Madden?

Des: Back from the dead to insult sportscasters. A valuable use of necromancy! Prissy Minion. Put an exclamation point on this madness.

PM: Interjections! For excitement! And emotion!

Des: I saw that coming. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a clash that pales in comparison to the Cubs’ race for the pennant.