Web-site is rebuilding

Arrh, mateys! Sorry about me absence of late! Me fleet of nautical vessels was tragically blown off course by the various hurricanes that have been plaguing the seven seas of late. The most tragic development this season was the destruction of me flagship vessel that contained me voluminous pirate vocabulary. Fortunately, the recent celebration of "Talk Like a Pirate Day", plus numerous casks of rum, has created a liquid foundation for me to rebuild. Meanwhile, the Bears are 2-0. Go Bears! May your foes crumble, like a, uh... I'll get back to ye! Me pirate vocab server be not working! ARRRRHHHH!!!!

Bears vs. Lions: 1-3-10

BEARS VS. LIONS: 1-3-10

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Lions after an amazing win against the Vikings. Can the Bears build on their strengths displayed in last week’s game? Or will they need a new Mike Brady-esque architect to redesign the offense with Frank Lloyd Wright-style unconventionality?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Obi-Wan” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and famed advertiser of sports products, Tiger Woods.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Since the NFL season is pretty much over, these be my college bowl picks for next year: Oklahoma defeats NIU in the Empire Carpet Bowl, Texas Tech beats Indiana in the Big Scary Closet Bowl, MIT destroys Stanford in the Droid Bowl, University of Phoenix defeats DeVry in the John Madden Virtual Bowl, and Bud Light defeats Budweiser Select in the Bud Bowl.

Des: Captain, do those bowls even exist?

SR: And the Beef O’Brady’s Bowl, the County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl, the Meineke Car Care Bowl, the Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl, and the Brut Sun Bowl should be treated with more respect just because they actually exist? Besides, once I have successfully pirated CBS’s signal during the Super-bowl, the Bud Bowl will rise again. If what’s left of the Who play “Behind Blue Eyes” during the half time show, that’s when I will take command of the airwaves.

Des: Let me take a moment to credit “Friend of the Blog” H for suggesting the bowl selection concept. I know he wanted me to wait until next December, but…

Modre: Des, your willingness to suspend Western perceptions of comedic timing will one day endear you to Eastern audiences. The true irony is that this will occur 100 years into the future.

Des: Tiger Woods. Your thoughts about the Bears.

Tiger: How much endorsement money am I being paid for this?

PM: Oh, Des. That joke was well worth waiting six weeks after the Tiger Woods story broke.

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game brought to you by “GoDaddy.com”, where Tiger Woods will appear alongside Danica Patrick soon.

Bears vs. Vikings: 12-27-09

BEARS VS. VIKINGS: 12-27-09

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Minnesota Vikings in another game inexplicably shown to a national audience. Can the Bears take advantage of a weakening Brett Favre, who is crumbling to dust like the Ghost of Christmas Present? Or will the Bears face another holiday horror, like Jim Carrey's Christmas Carol?

Des: To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles "Thin White Duke" Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western stereotype, the Prissy Minion, and famed symbol of renewal, the Baby New Year.

Redbeard: ARRRHHH, mateys! There be much idle speculation about whether Coach Lovie Smith will be fired come the end of this season. There be only one true way to settle this. Mutiny! But not the passive aggressive mutiny the Bears have performed so far. Nay! Swords must be drawn for a halftime spectacular that would be far more entertaining than anything ESPN's "Jabberjaw" has to blather about.

Des: Concord Peabody. Your thoughts.

CWP: The Bears are 24-7 whenever the defensive line of the Bears is on average 10 years younger than the opposing team's offensive line. Unfortunately, I have no idea whether that's the case in this game.

Des: Modre, what are your thoughts?

Modre: The cleansing whiteness of winter's snowfall will fail to shield Bears fans from the grim reality of Ron Turner's play calling.

Des: Prissy Minion. Do you have any relevant comments? Pleae?

PM: That is a Christmas gift that is beyond my capability.

Des: Baby New Year. What do you see in the Bears' future?

BNY: I'm too busy worrying about being eaten by Eon to concern myself with your petty sports teams.

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a match that will put an exclamation point of 2009! Unfortunately, I have no idea what the rest of the sentence says.

Bears vs. Packers: 12-13-09

BEARS VS. PACKERS: 12-13-09

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Packers after defeating the Rams in a win that was almost convincing. Can the Bears beat a team with a winning record? Or will they need to wait until January 3rd, when they play the Detroit Lions, the gift that keeps on giving?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “the Undertaker” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and avatar of Christmas cheer, Santa Claus.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! This week’s “Pick to Bet a Ukrainian Ransom On…”

Des: Captain, that’s an awkward title, isn’t it?

SR: You know what else would be really awkward? A keel-hauling, which you’ll be facing shortly.

Des: Again with the keel-haulings. If it’s not keel-haulings, it’s plank walkings, tasting your steely blade, drawing and quartering, or drinking your chum bucket. What else have you got, Captain?

SR: That’s a challenge ye don’t want me to be accepting, land-lubber, particularly given your penchant for drinking hard liquor. Anyway, me “can’t miss” pick is the Detroit Lions defeating the Baltimore Ravens. I see the Lions running the table at the end of the season.

Des: Good luck with that one. Santa Claus. Your thoughts about the Bears.

Santa: Oh, ho, ho, ho! I’ve renamed my reindeer after all of the Bears’ successful quarterbacks: On McMahon! On Kramer! (Long pause) I’ll get back to you on that one.

Des: Concord Peabody. Could you end this on a positive note?

CWP: The Bears win 65% of the time when they remember to put 11 men on the field.

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game brought to you by “Droid”, which, since I have no idea what it is from the commercials, I’m assuming is a robot army out to enslave us all!

Bears vs. Rams: 12-6-09

BEARS VS. RAMS: 12-6-09

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Rams in the first game that has not been nationally televised in a month. Will the Bears take the opportunity to rebuild under the radar? Or will St. Louis accidently lose the draft pick race to Cleveland and Tampa Bay?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “the Walrus” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and avatar of Christmas cheer, Santa Claus.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Allow me to pour a 40 ounce bottle of rum on the curb for me fallen brethren of the skull and crossbones who were recently captured by the Dutch Navy. Who even knew those wooden shoe wearing tulip eaters even had a navy? Anyway, the Bears should use the “Hardtack Defense”, a defense that’s bland and flavorless, but is hard and unyielding. Just don’t dip it in coffee, or “the black awakening”, as we in the pirate profession like to call it.

Des: Yeah, thanks, Captain. Modre. What should the Bears do?

Modre: French Classical Writer Francois De La Rochefoucauld once said, “Usually we praise only to be praised.” That said, Des, you are a comedic genius.

Des: I offer nothing in return. Santa Claus. Your thoughts about the Bears.

Santa: Oh, ho, ho, ho! Bears fans will receive a Christmas gift that Ron Turner will not enjoy.

Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this?

PM: Oh, Des. As British Sportsman Writer Charles Caleb Colton once said, “When millions applaud you seriously ask yourself what harm you have done; and when they disapprove you, what good.” Think about that, won’t you?

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game brought to you by "V: the Visitors", which was pre-empted by a Charlie Brown Christmas, which was, in turn interrupted by President Obama. Like the Visitors, Obama is also “of peace… always.”

Bears vs. Cardinals: 11-8-09

BEARS VS. CARDINALS: 11-8-09

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against their cross-town rivals, the Arizona Cardinals. Will the Bears be able to make their offense function smoothly, like a well-oiled machine? Or will they fly apart into a million pieces, like the infamous aluminum engines of the 1974 Chevy Vega?

To respond to these and similar obscure, poorly constructed metaphors is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Livingston Seagull” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and famed dead celebrity Kurt Cobain.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Though the Bears emerged victorious against the hapless Cleveland Browns, ‘tis too soon to crown them Super-bowl champions. What must the Bears do to win the NFC North? I suggest the “bilge rat” pass rush defense, where ye swarm all over the quarterback like a pack of… well, ye gets the idea. This would be particularly effective against the “Cheese-head” Green Bay Packers.

Des: Concord Peabody. Your thoughts.

CP: The Bears’ smothering defense and suffocating kickoff return coverage remind me of the time I worked for the "waste management business" and...

Des: Modre. What should the Bears do?

Modre: George Bernard Shaw once said, “For every complex problem, there is a simple solution that is wrong.” Still, I recommend using the "Wildcat" offense.

Des: Kurt Cobain. Your thoughts.

KC: “If you ever need anything please don't hesitate to ask someone else first."

Des: Okay, then. Prissy Minion. Your final thought.

PM: Oh, Des. Bears Sunday without your broadcasts is like a broken pencil--- pointless.

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game brought to you by the return of "V: the Visitors", which is in no way connected to this show, even though I've used their theme song for 5 years.

Bears vs. Lions: 10-4-09

BEARS VS. LIONS: 10-4-09

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions after a nail biter against the Seattle Seahawks. Will the Lions build on their first win since the presidency of George W. Bush? Or will the Bears emerge triumphant on a combination of turnovers, competent passing and missed field goals by their opponents?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Tango and Cash” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and famed pop-star slash actress Madonna.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! I vaguely remember many a land-lubbing prognosticator proclaiming that this be the year of the NFC North quarterback, but, as usual, ‘tis only the Year of The Evil Monkey in My Closet. This “Family Guy” reference is brought to you by the Fox Network, whose evil Cthulu-esque tentacles extend down to the world of music, and which also sponsors this mighty broadcast, which be why Madonna is appearing upon this football panel.

Des: Madonna. Your impressions.

M: “If I weren’t as talented as I am ambitious, I would be a gross monstrosity.”

SR: Like Dread Cthulu himself! By the way, Des, Cthulu would be an awesome Halloween costume. Ye might think the tentacle head would make it difficult to drink rum, but picture every tentacle as a straw and you begin to see the sheer brilliance of this idea.

Des: Returning to football, what’s your analysis, Concord Peabody?

CWP: The Bears reliable special teams and innovative play calling remind me of the time I was a whale poacher and…

Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?

Modre: In India, October 8 is Karva Chauth, a day to honor the sanctity of marriage, of which your western “Football Sunday” is its antithesis!

Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?

PM: Oh, Des. Was that an earthquake, or did you just rock my world?

Des: Sit back and watch with your congealed bowl of Ramen noodles as the Bears grapple the Lions in a quarterback duel as legendary as Jim Miller versus Charlie Batch!

Bears vs. Seahawks: 9-27-09

BEARS VS. SEAHAWKS: 9-27-09

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Seattle Seahawks after a dramatic victory against the Super-bowl champion Pittsburgh Steelers. Will the Bears be able to effectively use their momentum to establish a winning streak? Or will Brian Urlacher and his shattered wrist be forced to make five turnovers all by his lonesome?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Psychedelic Panther Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and former NBA legend Michael Jordan.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Free of charge, I be providing the Bears valuable advice by applying successful pirate strategies to football. Abandon the Wildcat offense and the shotgun formation. Instead, use the “Cat o’ nine tails” offense to bedevil your opponents. It’s a nine-receiver set. Trust me, it worked against the HMS Pinafore.

Des: Concord Peabody. Your thoughts.

CP: The Bears’ lightning-fast special teams and three-dimensional offense remind me of the time I was a grave robber and…

Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?

Modre: In Japan, September 21st was keiro no hi, or Respect for the Aged Day, and so we must honor Brett Favre… while also seeking to destroy him!

Des: Michael Jordan. Your impressions.

MJ: “Tex [Winter] reminded me that there’s no ‘I’ in team… I said, ‘There’s an ‘I’ in win. So whichever way you want it.”

Des: Okay, then. Prissy Minion. Take this somewhere.

PM: Anyway you want it, Des, that’s the way you need it.

Des: Thanks, Steve Perry. Sit back and watch as the Bears draw a line in the sand… and then build a sand castle with a cute little moat :)

Bears vs. Packers: 9-13-09

BEARS VS. PACKERS: 9-13-09

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Green Bay Packers in Year Two of their Favre-free experiment. Will the Bears find that the Pack Attack is worse than crack? Or will Jay Cutler fill the vacuum left by Rex Grossman’s departure?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Guy Smiley Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and recently dead celebrity the Oxy-Clean Guy.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! This year, me predictions will be based on careful data analysis, consultation with sports experts, and in-depth interviews with players and coaches. (Pause) Ah, har, har, har, har!!! I’m just yanking’ your anchor, land-lubbers!!! After staring at the black sails torn from the wreckage of the doomed Titanic, a short, sharp visage of the 2009 season burned itself into me memory cells. The Bears will go 9-7 this year, destroying the Seahawks, Bengals, Browns, 49ers, plus the Vikings and Lions twice. But they will lose to the Steelers, Falcons, Cardinals, Eagles, Rams, Ravens, and split the Packers.

Des: Captain, I was looking at your Bears predictions from last year, and your record was 9-7… barely better than flipping a coin.

SR: Well, there be a 100% chance that you’ll find yourself at the business end of me steely blade when this comedy bit ends.

Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

CWS: The Bears’ perseverance and never-say-die attitude against the Browns last week reminded me of the time I went to Hooter’s and, uh…

Des: Modre! What advice do you have for the Bears this week?

Modre: Philosopher Brad Holland once said, “Postmodernists believe that truth is myth, and myth, truth… The same people also believe that emotions are a form of reality. There used to be another name for this state of mind. It used to be called psychosis.” Bears fans believe in the myth of the super-genius second-string quarterback.

Des: Oxy Clean Guy. Any advice?

OCG: Stay away from the cocaine.

Des: Okay, then. Sit back and watch as…URRRK! Tell… Charlize Theron… I thought Aeon Flux… was her best… work…. Oh, untimely death!

Bears vs. Eagles: 9-28-08

BEARS VS. EAGLES: 9-28-08

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Philadelphia Eagles, a team at the bottom of their division with a 2-1 record, while Chicago ranks 3rd with a 1-2 record. Will the Bears learn to avoid untimely penalties against their opponents? Or will an avalanche of yellow flags bury Chicago’s dreams of an 8-8 season?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Tripod Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and providing a dead scientist's perspective: Albert Einstein.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! I be the crimson coated demon whose football predictions have filled the treasure chests of gamblers with more booty than a Congressional bailout. Attend me words as I select the winners of this week’s contests: The Buccaneers will scupper the Packers, the Raiders will plunder and impress the Chargers, the Vikings will eviscerate the Titans, and the Seahawks will… have a bye week. Here’s Red-beard’s “Must Avoid at All Costs like a Treacherous Iceberg or an Ancient Mariner’s Curse Game of the Week”: Cleveland versus Cincinnati. Why the NFL continues to waste its time with franchises in Ohio when they could transport these teams to coastal cities whose stadiums are well within the range of me naval bombardments is a question which continues to vex me.

Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?

CP: Well, the Bears are 9-1 when Kyle Orton drinks a pitcher of White Russians before the game, whether he’s on or off the bench. Go Bears!

Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?

Modre: There’s a choice we’re making, we’re saving our own lives. It’s true, we make a better day, just you and me.

Des: We are the world, we are the children. Albert Einstein. Your impressions.

AE: Guten tag, mein Klein sportfreunds. “Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."

Des: Prissy Minion. Wrap this up!

PM: The only thing I want wrapped in a bow is you.

Des: (Note to self: Don’t let your expression betray the horror inside.) Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple for the ultimate prize: mastery of the nine realms… or a local car dealer endorsement.

Bears vs. Buccaneers: 9-21-08

BEARS VS. BUCCANEERS: 9-21-08

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, a team helmed by one of thousands of quarterbacks Chicago has kicked to the curb this decade. Will the Bears be able to play four quarters of football through better conditioning and a diverse playbook? Or will the offense be forced to score 40 points in the first half?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Barbarossa” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Ye athletic representatives of Miami, Cleveland, Cincinnati, and Detroit stand accused of football incompetence before the drum-head court of Barbarossa Hayreddin Pasha, Fleet Admiral of the Ottoman Navy! Sorry if I mispronounced me own name. It’s been 500 years since I was a Turk. I decree that the Cleveland Browns will fail to win a game this season. I have spoken! Imperious Rex!

Des: Uh, Captain, didn’t you predict that the Browns will go to the Super Bowl?

SR: Aye, I hang me head in shame.

Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?

CWP: Well, the Bears are 694-509-42 lifetime when the temperature is below Fahrenheit 451. Go Bears!

Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?

Modre: When you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.

Des: Thanks, Neil Peart. Albert Einstein. Your impressions.

AE: Mein herr, "Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen." Haben sie das verstanden, Herr Madden?

Des: Back from the dead to insult sportscasters. A valuable use of necromancy! Prissy Minion. Put an exclamation point on this madness.

PM: Interjections! For excitement! And emotion!

Des: I saw that coming. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a clash that pales in comparison to the Cubs’ race for the pennant.

Bears vs. Panthers: 9-14-08

BEARS VS. PANTHERS: 9-14-08

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Carolina Panthers, another team that pulled off an upset win. Will the Bears maintain the winning formula of a healthy defense, a competent offense, plus an injured opposing quarterback? Or will “friend of the web site” John Hundrieser be forced to endure his 40th birthday without the comforting escape of a Bears win? And by “friend”, I mean he wishes it no specific harm (to my knowledge).

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles dotcom Red-beard, Modre, the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Last night, I stared at a mirror and yelled “BLOODY MARY! BLOODY MARY! BLOODY MARY! BLOODY MARY! BLOODY MARY!” for two hours until the Treasure Map to the Super-Bowl revealed itself to me. In the AFC, I foresee Buffalo, Cleveland, Jacksonville, and Denver conquering their divisions, as Indianapolis and New England sneak in as the wild cards. For the NFC, I envision Chicago, New York, Carolina, and Arizona unfurling division championship banners, while Dallas and Minnesota must suffer the shame of being wild cards. Prepare yourselves for this prophecy, ye passengers on a ship of fools that requires the leadership that can only come from me steely blade: The Chicago Bears or maybe the Dallas Cowboys will defeat the Cleveland Browns in a Super-bowl that will bring no joy to fellow fictional curmudgeons Crankshaft or Harvey Pekar.

Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?

CP: The Bears are 1-0 when the price of oil is over $100 a barrel. Go Bears!

Des: Modre, the inscrutable Asian stereotype. What are your thoughts?

Modre: Sin’s a good man’s brother, but is that right?

Des: Uh, I… can’t answer that one. Albert Einstein. Your impressions.

AE: “Imagination is more important than knowledge”, mein liebchen. Unless you are Joe Buck. Das ist ein dumbkopf!!!

Des: Thanks, Baron Von Manson. Prissy Minion. What non-sequitor would you like to contribute?

PM: As Audrey Hepburn said, “Success is like reaching an important birthday and finding you’re exactly the same.”

Des: Sit back and watch with your back-stabbing, beer-stealing friends as the Bears face off in a glorious battle only to be overshadowed by the “baby bump” of Sarah Palin’s daughter.