BEARS VS. VIKINGS: 12-9-2012
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Minnesota Vikings after a difficult loss to the Seattle Seahawks. Will the Bears be defense be able to play four, maybe five, quarters of football? Or will Jay Cutler be forced to run 1000 yards and score 50 points all by himself before being repeatedly crushed into a pile of goo, forcing the Bears to pick up a college rookie at quarterback, or… shudder… Tim Tebow? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “King Midas in Reverse” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, Sally McChesty, and the clown prince of tailgate land, Drunky McDumbAss.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! I already mocked the Vikings two weeks ago, so it’s time for me to enter me own personal Hall of Shame as I review my picks for 2012. I chose the Jets to win the AFC East, but, hey, they be in second place… with a 5-7 record. Then there be the Titans, Cardinals, and Chargers, who should have won their divisions, but now languish in the Sargasso Sea of 4-8 records. Finally, there be the Philadelphia Eagles, who be the biggest disappointment to me since the Weather Channel’s attempt to name snowstorms like they do hurricanes failed to catch on. I still have a T-shirt that says “I survived Snowstorm Athena.”
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s game?
CWP: Well, Des, the Vikings are 5-1 at home, Brian Urlacher is out with an injured hamstring, wide receiver Earl Bennett is out with a concussion, a shoulder injury has sidelined cornerback Tim Jennings, Adrian Peterson continues to get better, and the offensive line couldn’t stop a four year child on a Big Wheel. That said, the Bears will still win 30-10.
Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. How are things going in tailgate land?
DMD: Des, I keep pointing the label of my Bud Light bottle at the TV to make the Two Broke Girls commercial funny, but it ain’t working.
Des: Sally McChesty, we assigned you to watch the global radar to see if Santa has left the North Pole to deliver toys to good boys and girls. How’s that coming along?
SMC: Des, do you put any thought into these puff pieces? Christmas Eve isn’t for another 15 days. You might want to give Seattle a heads-up that a North Korean nuclear missile is heading their way, though.
Des: Modre. What insights do you have to share with us?
Modre: None that are worthy to share with your audience. But speaking of your “season of giving”, there is indeed a War on Christmas that I am waging, but it’s more passive-aggressive. Expect to receive 20 empty gift cards in the mail soon.
Des: Prissy Minion. What weirdly stalker-esque comments do you have to impart upon me today?
PM: Des, once again, you display an amiable sentimentality with loads of Jimmy Stewart-style character, in that you stammer a lot. Your lasting magnetism draws comedy from your cast of characters like mistletoe summons drunken oafs to make a horrible, horrible mistake that will take days, maybe weeks to undo.
Des: Somehow, I find that oddly reassuring… sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game brought to you by the CBS lineup of Roseanne and Alice. I’m sorry; I meant to say Mike and Molly and Two Broke Girls.
Showing posts with label Santa Claus. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Santa Claus. Show all posts
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Bears vs. Packers: 12-13-09
BEARS VS. PACKERS: 12-13-09
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Packers after defeating the Rams in a win that was almost convincing. Can the Bears beat a team with a winning record? Or will they need to wait until January 3rd, when they play the Detroit Lions, the gift that keeps on giving?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “the Undertaker” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and avatar of Christmas cheer, Santa Claus.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! This week’s “Pick to Bet a Ukrainian Ransom On…”
Des: Captain, that’s an awkward title, isn’t it?
SR: You know what else would be really awkward? A keel-hauling, which you’ll be facing shortly.
Des: Again with the keel-haulings. If it’s not keel-haulings, it’s plank walkings, tasting your steely blade, drawing and quartering, or drinking your chum bucket. What else have you got, Captain?
SR: That’s a challenge ye don’t want me to be accepting, land-lubber, particularly given your penchant for drinking hard liquor. Anyway, me “can’t miss” pick is the Detroit Lions defeating the Baltimore Ravens. I see the Lions running the table at the end of the season.
Des: Good luck with that one. Santa Claus. Your thoughts about the Bears.
Santa: Oh, ho, ho, ho! I’ve renamed my reindeer after all of the Bears’ successful quarterbacks: On McMahon! On Kramer! (Long pause) I’ll get back to you on that one.
Des: Concord Peabody. Could you end this on a positive note?
CWP: The Bears win 65% of the time when they remember to put 11 men on the field.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game brought to you by “Droid”, which, since I have no idea what it is from the commercials, I’m assuming is a robot army out to enslave us all!
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Packers after defeating the Rams in a win that was almost convincing. Can the Bears beat a team with a winning record? Or will they need to wait until January 3rd, when they play the Detroit Lions, the gift that keeps on giving?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “the Undertaker” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and avatar of Christmas cheer, Santa Claus.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! This week’s “Pick to Bet a Ukrainian Ransom On…”
Des: Captain, that’s an awkward title, isn’t it?
SR: You know what else would be really awkward? A keel-hauling, which you’ll be facing shortly.
Des: Again with the keel-haulings. If it’s not keel-haulings, it’s plank walkings, tasting your steely blade, drawing and quartering, or drinking your chum bucket. What else have you got, Captain?
SR: That’s a challenge ye don’t want me to be accepting, land-lubber, particularly given your penchant for drinking hard liquor. Anyway, me “can’t miss” pick is the Detroit Lions defeating the Baltimore Ravens. I see the Lions running the table at the end of the season.
Des: Good luck with that one. Santa Claus. Your thoughts about the Bears.
Santa: Oh, ho, ho, ho! I’ve renamed my reindeer after all of the Bears’ successful quarterbacks: On McMahon! On Kramer! (Long pause) I’ll get back to you on that one.
Des: Concord Peabody. Could you end this on a positive note?
CWP: The Bears win 65% of the time when they remember to put 11 men on the field.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game brought to you by “Droid”, which, since I have no idea what it is from the commercials, I’m assuming is a robot army out to enslave us all!
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Bears vs. Rams: 12-6-09
BEARS VS. RAMS: 12-6-09
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Rams in the first game that has not been nationally televised in a month. Will the Bears take the opportunity to rebuild under the radar? Or will St. Louis accidently lose the draft pick race to Cleveland and Tampa Bay?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “the Walrus” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and avatar of Christmas cheer, Santa Claus.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Allow me to pour a 40 ounce bottle of rum on the curb for me fallen brethren of the skull and crossbones who were recently captured by the Dutch Navy. Who even knew those wooden shoe wearing tulip eaters even had a navy? Anyway, the Bears should use the “Hardtack Defense”, a defense that’s bland and flavorless, but is hard and unyielding. Just don’t dip it in coffee, or “the black awakening”, as we in the pirate profession like to call it.
Des: Yeah, thanks, Captain. Modre. What should the Bears do?
Modre: French Classical Writer Francois De La Rochefoucauld once said, “Usually we praise only to be praised.” That said, Des, you are a comedic genius.
Des: I offer nothing in return. Santa Claus. Your thoughts about the Bears.
Santa: Oh, ho, ho, ho! Bears fans will receive a Christmas gift that Ron Turner will not enjoy.
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this?
PM: Oh, Des. As British Sportsman Writer Charles Caleb Colton once said, “When millions applaud you seriously ask yourself what harm you have done; and when they disapprove you, what good.” Think about that, won’t you?
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game brought to you by "V: the Visitors", which was pre-empted by a Charlie Brown Christmas, which was, in turn interrupted by President Obama. Like the Visitors, Obama is also “of peace… always.”
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Rams in the first game that has not been nationally televised in a month. Will the Bears take the opportunity to rebuild under the radar? Or will St. Louis accidently lose the draft pick race to Cleveland and Tampa Bay?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “the Walrus” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and avatar of Christmas cheer, Santa Claus.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Allow me to pour a 40 ounce bottle of rum on the curb for me fallen brethren of the skull and crossbones who were recently captured by the Dutch Navy. Who even knew those wooden shoe wearing tulip eaters even had a navy? Anyway, the Bears should use the “Hardtack Defense”, a defense that’s bland and flavorless, but is hard and unyielding. Just don’t dip it in coffee, or “the black awakening”, as we in the pirate profession like to call it.
Des: Yeah, thanks, Captain. Modre. What should the Bears do?
Modre: French Classical Writer Francois De La Rochefoucauld once said, “Usually we praise only to be praised.” That said, Des, you are a comedic genius.
Des: I offer nothing in return. Santa Claus. Your thoughts about the Bears.
Santa: Oh, ho, ho, ho! Bears fans will receive a Christmas gift that Ron Turner will not enjoy.
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this?
PM: Oh, Des. As British Sportsman Writer Charles Caleb Colton once said, “When millions applaud you seriously ask yourself what harm you have done; and when they disapprove you, what good.” Think about that, won’t you?
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game brought to you by "V: the Visitors", which was pre-empted by a Charlie Brown Christmas, which was, in turn interrupted by President Obama. Like the Visitors, Obama is also “of peace… always.”
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