BEARS VS. LIONS:
11-10-13
Des: Welcome to another
edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against
the Detroit Lions, after their upset of the Green Bay Packers sent shockwaves
throughout the NFL. Will the Bears build upon last week’s victory to defeat the
Lions and dominate the NFC North? Or will Chicago
be forced to settle for a wild card bid with an 8-8 season, defeating only the
lowly Rams, Vikings, and, dare I say it, Ravens?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of
experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Incognito” Red-beard,
Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Sally McChesty, and special
guest tailgater, Drunky McDumbAss.
Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! ‘Tis
time once again for me least favorite recurring theme on this worthless blog: “Let’s
mock the Captain’s Picks for the Playoffs.” First, to salve me wounded pride,
allow me to showcase me accurate predictions, and for that, let’s turn to the
AFC. If we were to focus solely on the AFC, I would be truly hailed as the
prognosticator’s prognosticator: As foreseen, the Bengals are atop the AFC
North with a 6-3 record, the Colts dominate their division with 6 wins and 2
losses, the Broncos are well on their way to fulfilling their destiny as a wild
card berth, and the Patriots have exceeded me expectations by leading their
division instead of being a mere wild card. But the Chargers have once again
failed me, earning naught but 4 wins and 4 losses. And me biggest surprise
failure is the Miami Dolphins, which I thought would surely destroy their foes
both inside and outside their own locker room with a management style and “seasoning”
regimen that most closely mirrors my own.
Now turn
your horrified gaze to the NFC, which truly be me greatest albatross: The
Seahawks are performing as expected, destroying their foes to earn a mighty 8-1
record and the Bears are well on their way to earning a wild card spot with an
5-3 record, but the rest of the NFC... oh, the humanity! The Panthers, my pick
for the NFC South, at least has a respectable record of 5-3, but there’s the
Falcons going 2-6, the Vikings stalled at 2-7, and what the hell happened to
the Giants?
At least I
take cold comfort that, despite the Redskins doing better since I placed a
curse on them until they change their name, they are still a horrible team. Don’t
get confident, Chicago Cubs! Me baseball curses still maintain their full
potency!
Des: Let’s check in with
Drunky McDumbAss, who is partying it up in the parking lot of Soldier Field.
DMD: Des, even though every
beer made in the universe is owned by one corporation that’s owned by the Koch
Brothers, each beer still maintains its own distinct flavor. At least until I’m
done drinking the first 24 brands. Then it all becomes one big Technicolor
blur, much like the last 3 quarters of the Bears game.
Des: Modre, what are your
thoughts?
Modre: Don’t ask a question
if you’re not ready to hear the answer.
Des: I withdraw my question. Concord Peabody .
What do the sacred patterns of numbers reveal?
CWP: What are you...? Uh, what?
Well, Des, Cutler’s probably gonna be a lot less mobile after his groin injury,
Reggie Bush is looking forward to taking on the Bears defense, and Cutler had
has worst game of the year against the Lions. That said, the Bears still win
55-17.
Des: Doctor McChesty. I
understand that you would like to give a report on the positive impact that the
Detroit Lions have had on the Detroit
economy.
SMC: That’s right, Des. Des,
in order to pay the salaries of the football executives and players, plus
maintenance on the football stadium, Detroit
had to close 40 public schools, lay off 1,000 police officers and firefighters,
and shutter 20 hospitals. On game day, electricity has to be turned off from 10
surrounding city blocks plus all of the automotive assembly plants, all of
Detroit’s grocery and clothing stores need to emptied of their inventory, and
every farm, granary, and coal mine in the collar countries must be stripped of
their resources to feed, clothe, and power the football stadium, executives,
players, and skybox patrons.
Des: Prissy Minion. Frighten
me with your flattery.
PM: Des, your cutting
wordplay and playfully sadistic wit have redefined blogs into something that
would take linguists and cultural pundits alike decades to obsessively gnaw on like
the protein rich bone that it is.
Des: That was indeed
frightening. Doctor McChesty, would you wrap things up in a neat little bow?
SMC: I’d be happy to, Des. Sit
back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a match that will determine
dominance of the NFC North Division... somehow.
