Bears vs. Dolphins: 10-14-2018

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Dolphins, another surprisingly strong team. Will the Bears maintain their winning formula of dominant defense, competent quarterbacking, and capitalizing on their opponents errors? Or will they fail to drown out that annoying sound in the background of Donald Trump giving a slew of pointless incoherent rage tirades about the NFL not seen since the days of the Fabulous Sports Babe or Jay Mariotti?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Eternal Sunshine” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae MacGillicutty, Drunky McDumbAss, and joining our panel for the first time, the non-linear poetry of dirty Beret del Mundo.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! No one would have believed that the Bears would start the season with a 3-0 record. And by “no-one”, I mean “me”, who predicted that the Bears would go 1-15 this season, beating only the Giants. ‘Twill require a fortnight of floggings, keel haulings, and plank walking to salve my shame. And, by “fortnight”, I mean a two week period of time, not the Tamaguchi of this misbegotten generation.

Sally: Captain, are you referring to Tamagotchi, the digital pet, or Kristi Yamaguchi, the 1992 Olympic Gold Medalist in figure skating?

Redbeard: Which answer would earn your respect, me beauteous sea maiden?

Sally: dirty Beret del Mundo. Would you cleanse the palette of the conversation that just took place?

dirty Beret del Mundo: When the loaded drunken base 10 stealers of yester-morrow’s Ice 9 gender thieves have unraveled the final tapestry of angrily barbed Interwebs, who will gurgle the final blood filled oxygen tents of mankind’s desperate failed relationships of the rust-covered, rust-hued iguana tears of a pale faced masonry that a nation of racially insulting sports mascots dance shame-faced upon the Astro-terrific graves of Bourbon American spirits in a material world?

Sally: I don’t know. Joe Buck? Our so-called leader speaks: Drunky McDumbAss. What’s happening in tailgate land?

Drunky: In my case, they use more than words to try to jail me.

Sally: Concord Peabody. Are you still giving pointlessly ritualistic coaching strategies?

Concord: Justin Verlander did that for me this week with his Supercuts commercial in which he counts off everything he does by threes. I didn’t need to know that he has to use the third bathroom stall. What does he do at home?

Sally: The same thing I do: Keep building additions on my palatial mansion. End transmission.

Bears vs. Dolphins: 10-19-2014

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears return home to Soldier Field after an inconclusive two game tour of duty south of the Mason-Dixon Line. Will the Bears take advantage of a lackluster Florida team to get back on track and maybe secure a wild card berth? Or will Soldier Field prove to be a home field disadvantage for the third home game (of three) this season?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Subtlety is Not My Strong Suit” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Sally McChesty, and special guest tailgater, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Des, your disloyalty toward the Bears both shames and disgusts me! Ye need to follow my example of blindly following the Oakland Raiders and Tampa Bay Buccaneers, e’en if their combined record this decade be 1 - ∞. They can still turn things around!

Des: Captain, what I do is the highest form of loyalty… I challenge the Bears to do better… with pitiless mockery! Speaking of which, Captain, let’s take a moment to review your Death Punch to Abject Failure, or what you, on our September 14^th post, called your “Treasure Map to the Super-Bowl.” Overall, your divisional picks were terrible: the Saints are 2-3, the Jets are languishing with a 1-6 record…

Redbeard: I thought Rex Ryan’s combination of empty threats and hollow guarantees of victory would finally catch on this year!

Des: The Titans are struggling with a 2-4 season…

Redbeard: Ye would think ‘twould be impossible for one man, i.e. Jeff Fisher, to curse two teams at once, but in my own efforts to lay an eternal curse on the Washington Football Club, I have mostly afflicted the Buccaneers and Raiders, to my unending sorrow. But don’t blame me for the Cubs. They’ve done that entirely on their own, for generation after generation after generation after generation.

Des: …and the Bears and Steelers are mediocre at best, with 3-3 records. Your only bright spots are the 49ers, Broncos, and, surprisingly, the Dallas Cowboys.

Sally: If I may interrupt, Des…

Des: It’s Doctor Sally McChesty, ladies and gentlemen, with this week’s injury report.

Sally: Peyton Manning continues to be animated by dark sorcery and/or secret alien/human hybrid medical “treatments” that eat up 90% of the Obamacare budget for this fiscal year. Did you know, Des, that, like the military and the CIA, Obamacare has a secret black budget, most of which is spent on keeping alive star quarterbacks, the Koch Brothers, and Dick Cheney?

Des: Given that 112% of our Gross Domestic Product is absorbed by football, it does not surprise me that our medical care system would be part of that equation. Drunky McDumbAss. Welcome back to Soldier Field.

Drunky: Des, I never left. I’ve been playing Whack a Mole in the Soldier Field parking garage with Bears security. I’m the mole.

Des-boy: Whut are yew talkin’ ‘bout, McDumbAss? Yew don’t er-member the past two weeks in Standard City Illinoise Jail when we were tryin’ tuh sneak outta Atlanta after a methamphetamine fueled crime spree in which we used Coors Lite as a coolant fer tuh keep our skull pans from overheatin’? Or was that actual Prestone we were drinkin’? Talk about hydraulic frackin’! (Doubles over in a combination of hillbilly laughter and alcoholism-induced convulsions)

Drunky: What, uhhh, what mix tape were we listening to at the time?

Des: I’ll leave the two of you alone to get reacquainted with your shared dark past. Modre. Gimme some word puree.

Modre: Here, chiefly, in the aggrandizement of a huge and fearsome animal to deiform proportions, does Melville surpass all other poets of his century in the rejuvenation of myth.

Des: Deiform, Modre?

Modre: As usual, Des, your pitiful mind cannot begin to grasp the enormity of “deiform”, i.e. of godlike size and stature. The closest entity you have encountered of deiform stature is Mike Ditka whose 75^th birthday was yesterday.

Des: Prissy Minion, terminate this broadcast with extreme prejudice!

Prissy: With any great artist comes great criticism. While there are untold billions of counterexamples, Des, you are not among them.

Des: Thank you for joining us, Bears fans, on the only football website sponsored by a menopause drug: Brisdell. Yes, Brisdell - - fighting hot flashes one 900 foot tall purple curtain at a time. Change is in the air—which kind of makes menopause sound like Ebola!

Credits: the “Drunky McDumbAss” character was created by my cousin Jeff, whose overall awesomeness was also of deiform stature.

Bears vs. Lions: 11-10-2013

BEARS VS. LIONS: 11-10-13

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions, after their upset of the Green Bay Packers sent shockwaves throughout the NFL. Will the Bears build upon last week’s victory to defeat the Lions and dominate the NFC North? Or will Chicago be forced to settle for a wild card bid with an 8-8 season, defeating only the lowly Rams, Vikings, and, dare I say it, Ravens?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Incognito” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Sally McChesty, and special guest tailgater, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! ‘Tis time once again for me least favorite recurring theme on this worthless blog: “Let’s mock the Captain’s Picks for the Playoffs.” First, to salve me wounded pride, allow me to showcase me accurate predictions, and for that, let’s turn to the AFC. If we were to focus solely on the AFC, I would be truly hailed as the prognosticator’s prognosticator: As foreseen, the Bengals are atop the AFC North with a 6-3 record, the Colts dominate their division with 6 wins and 2 losses, the Broncos are well on their way to fulfilling their destiny as a wild card berth, and the Patriots have exceeded me expectations by leading their division instead of being a mere wild card. But the Chargers have once again failed me, earning naught but 4 wins and 4 losses. And me biggest surprise failure is the Miami Dolphins, which I thought would surely destroy their foes both inside and outside their own locker room with a management style and “seasoning” regimen that most closely mirrors my own.

            Now turn your horrified gaze to the NFC, which truly be me greatest albatross: The Seahawks are performing as expected, destroying their foes to earn a mighty 8-1 record and the Bears are well on their way to earning a wild card spot with an 5-3 record, but the rest of the NFC... oh, the humanity! The Panthers, my pick for the NFC South, at least has a respectable record of 5-3, but there’s the Falcons going 2-6, the Vikings stalled at 2-7, and what the hell happened to the Giants?

            At least I take cold comfort that, despite the Redskins doing better since I placed a curse on them until they change their name, they are still a horrible team. Don’t get confident, Chicago Cubs! Me baseball curses still maintain their full potency!

Des: Let’s check in with Drunky McDumbAss, who is partying it up in the parking lot of Soldier Field.

DMD: Des, even though every beer made in the universe is owned by one corporation that’s owned by the Koch Brothers, each beer still maintains its own distinct flavor. At least until I’m done drinking the first 24 brands. Then it all becomes one big Technicolor blur, much like the last 3 quarters of the Bears game.

Des: Modre, what are your thoughts?

Modre: Don’t ask a question if you’re not ready to hear the answer.

Des: I withdraw my question. Concord Peabody. What do the sacred patterns of numbers reveal?

CWP: What are you...? Uh, what? Well, Des, Cutler’s probably gonna be a lot less mobile after his groin injury, Reggie Bush is looking forward to taking on the Bears defense, and Cutler had has worst game of the year against the Lions. That said, the Bears still win 55-17.

Des: Doctor McChesty. I understand that you would like to give a report on the positive impact that the Detroit Lions have had on the Detroit economy.

SMC: That’s right, Des. Des, in order to pay the salaries of the football executives and players, plus maintenance on the football stadium, Detroit had to close 40 public schools, lay off 1,000 police officers and firefighters, and shutter 20 hospitals. On game day, electricity has to be turned off from 10 surrounding city blocks plus all of the automotive assembly plants, all of Detroit’s grocery and clothing stores need to emptied of their inventory, and every farm, granary, and coal mine in the collar countries must be stripped of their resources to feed, clothe, and power the football stadium, executives, players, and skybox patrons.

Des: Prissy Minion. Frighten me with your flattery.

PM: Des, your cutting wordplay and playfully sadistic wit have redefined blogs into something that would take linguists and cultural pundits alike decades to obsessively gnaw on like the protein rich bone that it is.

Des: That was indeed frightening. Doctor McChesty, would you wrap things up in a neat little bow?

SMC: I’d be happy to, Des. Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a match that will determine dominance of the NFC North Division... somehow.

Bears vs. Dolphins:11-18-10

BEARS VS. DOLPHINS: 11-18-10

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football post-game show. The Bears delivered a brutal shellacking to the now floundering 5-5 Miami Dolphins. Were the Bears’ swarming defense and Matt Forte’s competent ball carrying the keys to victory? And will the Bears hide those keys inside a very obvious fake rock from the Philadelphia Eagles? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Rock, Paper, Scissors” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! As a pirate, ye might be expecting me to make some sort of reference about how dolphins resemble mermaids and how that misunderstanding led to a romantic tragedy not seen since Romeo and Juliet and Aquaman versus Wonder Woman. But you would be bitterly disappointed, for I come bearing a prophetic scroll sealed in kelp by Father Poseidon himself. What visions of tomorrow’s destiny are revealed within? (Unfurls scroll) What the… “The quarterback controversy between Michael Vick and Kevin Kolb will remain unresolved?!?” This tells me nothing! (Crumples scroll in disgust) ‘Twould be better served if I read a horoscope in the lamest land-lubbing small town newspaper assembled from the dankest factories in China !

Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. Any observations from tailgate land?

DMD: I ended up in Soldier Field jail again when I thought that a woman was coming on to me, but it turned out she was staring lustfully at a McRib sandwich.

Des: Modre. What were the Bears’ keys to victory?

Modre: There’s a difference between knowing the path and following the path.

Des: What does that mean?

Modre: Jay Cutler knows what I’m talking about.

Des: Never mind. Concord Peabody . Any irrelevant stats you want to share?

CWP: If you plug in the number of times the Bears use the “shotgun formation”, the TV advertising revenue generated by each city, and amount of time it takes to leave the home stadium parking garage into a mathematical matrix, you get Concord Peabody Victory Factor of 9.875 for the Bears.

Des: Is the Victory Factor similar to the Quarterback Rating?

CWP: Well, the quarterback rating is calculated thusly: In order to establish a maximum value for an NFL player's passer rating, a separate calculation needs to be completed involving each of the following four categories: Completion Percentage, Average Yards Per Attempt, Percentage of Touchdown Passes, and Percentage of Interceptions. If the result in any category is less than 0, the given result should be 0. If the result in any category is greater than 2.375, the given result should be 2.375. This makes the maximum possible quarterback rating for the NFL 158.3. A perfect rating requires at least a 77.5% completion rate, at least 12.5 yards per attempt, a touchdown on at least 11.875% of attempts, and no interceptions.

CWP: …whereas the Concord Peabody Formula is more like Vick’s Formula 44D, a random number with no basis is reality.

Des: Why am I not surprised? Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?

PM: Oh, Des. Your football blog posts are like those little hand weights... it looks like you're doing something meaningful, but unless you're willing to risk severe back injury by doing some heavy comedy lifting, your audience won't feel the burn.

Des: Uh, sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a rivalry as multi-faceted as Brittany Spears versus Madonna... and as predictable.

Bears vs. Vikings: 11-14-10

BEARS VS. VIKINGS: 11-14-10

Des: Welcome to the second edition of the Chicago Bears football post-game show. The Bears drove Brett Favre several steps closer to retirement and nudged the Vikings closer to post-season elimination. Were the sudden re-emergence of Devin Hester and a rejuvenated defense the keys to victory? And will the Bears use these keys to further scratch the paint off the lackluster Miami Dolphins? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Homo Mermanus” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Brett Favre is beginning to take on the ancient countenance of Father Neptune himself. But that be not enough to save him versus the Green Bay Packers!

Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. Any observations from tailgate land?

DMD: Unfortunately, Des. I passed out after the first kickoff and somehow found myself inside that gyrating giant egg driving simulator you see in those Lexus commercials. That did not help my booze-induced bed spins.

Des: Modre. What were the Bears’ keys to victory?

Modre: I imagine that right now, you're feeling a bit like Alice. Hmm? Tumbling down the rabbit hole?

Des: Are you referring to the Bears’ inconsistent performance this season, or some other, deeper truth?

Modre: I’m like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad.

Des: Never mind. Concord Peabody. Any irrelevant stats you want to share?

CWP: If you plug in the quarterback rating of Brett Favre, the rushing yardage of Jay Cutler, and the turnover ratio of the Bears into a mathematical matrix, you get the square root of infinity multiplied by love. You also get the Concord Peabody Victory Factor of 9.7 for the Bears.

Des: Is this Victory Factor a 9.7 out of some actual number, like 10?

CWP: Not really.

Des: Why am I not surprised? Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?

PM: Oh, Des. Your football blog posts are like a tap dance of laughter on the grave of eternal sadness.

Des: Uh, sit back and watch on your Dick Tracy wristwatch TV screens… which is what we all should be using instead of your various I-things and Droids and what have you…how could Chester Gould be so wrong?!? Anyway, sit back and watch on that… thing as the Bears face off in a rivalry as ancient as that of Dick Tracy versus Flat-top… and, hopefully, just as violent.