BEARS VS. EAGLES: 11-7-11
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football post-game show. The Bears defeated the Philadelphia Eagles at the so-called City of Brotherly Love, showing flashes of brilliance on the national stage and winning three consecutive games. Will the Bears continue to use pocket protection, a mighty pass defense, and the fleet feet of Forte to dominate their remaining foes and avenge last year’s NFC championship debacle? Or will they revert back to the no-protection offense and an easily-tired defense?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Savoir Faire” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and the embodiment of Des’s America, Wonder Woman.
SR: ARRH, mateys! Time now for Captain Redbeard’s Chum-bucket of the NFL: The Indianapolis Colts, with their 0-8 record. If I be them, I’d be resortin’ to any dark sorcery atrocity to heal Payton Manning: voodoo, zombie-ism, vampirism, stealing the life force of entire cities, embryonic stem cell research, the NFL waiver wire…
Des: Uh, thanks, Captain. Concord Peabody. What statistical anomalies would you like to share with us?
CWP: Des, on paper, the Philadelphia Eagles should have had every advantage against the Bears: Michael Vick’s quarterbacking, plus receiver Jeremy Macklin’s adhesive hands, but they neglected one very important unseen hand: The invisible hand of Bears destiny. Is it a coincidence that the Detroit Lions have started losing games at the same time that the Bears have reemerged in the NFC North? I don’t know if the invisible hand is strong enough to wave off the stench of those Cheesehead hats, though.
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: Eugene V. Debs once said, “Chicago is the product of modern capitalism, and, like other great commercial centers, is unfit for human habitation.” That said, the revamped Soldier Field is very nice.
Des: Moving on, because… well, why not? Wonder Woman. How do you want to finish this off?
WW: Superman, my hubby in an alternate universe, always defeats Lex Luthor, even though Lex is much smarter. Think about it, liberals! And yes, I use the phrase “think about it” ironically. By the way, genius = evil.
Des: …which is why I’ve dumbed down this website. The reading grade level equivalent of this post: 7.6. Check it out for yourself.
Showing posts with label Michael Vick. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Michael Vick. Show all posts
Friday, November 11, 2011
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Bears vs. Dolphins:11-18-10
BEARS VS. DOLPHINS: 11-18-10
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football post-game show. The Bears delivered a brutal shellacking to the now floundering 5-5 Miami Dolphins. Were the Bears’ swarming defense and Matt Forte’s competent ball carrying the keys to victory? And will the Bears hide those keys inside a very obvious fake rock from the Philadelphia Eagles? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Rock, Paper, Scissors” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! As a pirate, ye might be expecting me to make some sort of reference about how dolphins resemble mermaids and how that misunderstanding led to a romantic tragedy not seen since Romeo and Juliet and Aquaman versus Wonder Woman. But you would be bitterly disappointed, for I come bearing a prophetic scroll sealed in kelp by Father Poseidon himself. What visions of tomorrow’s destiny are revealed within? (Unfurls scroll) What the… “The quarterback controversy between Michael Vick and Kevin Kolb will remain unresolved?!?” This tells me nothing! (Crumples scroll in disgust) ‘Twould be better served if I read a horoscope in the lamest land-lubbing small town newspaper assembled from the dankest factories in China !
Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. Any observations from tailgate land?
DMD: I ended up in Soldier Field jail again when I thought that a woman was coming on to me, but it turned out she was staring lustfully at a McRib sandwich.
Des: Modre. What were the Bears’ keys to victory?
Modre: There’s a difference between knowing the path and following the path.
Des: What does that mean?
Modre: Jay Cutler knows what I’m talking about.
Des: Never mind. Concord Peabody . Any irrelevant stats you want to share?
CWP: If you plug in the number of times the Bears use the “shotgun formation”, the TV advertising revenue generated by each city, and amount of time it takes to leave the home stadium parking garage into a mathematical matrix, you get Concord Peabody Victory Factor of 9.875 for the Bears.
Des: Is the Victory Factor similar to the Quarterback Rating?
CWP: Well, the quarterback rating is calculated thusly: In order to establish a maximum value for an NFL player's passer rating, a separate calculation needs to be completed involving each of the following four categories: Completion Percentage, Average Yards Per Attempt, Percentage of Touchdown Passes, and Percentage of Interceptions. If the result in any category is less than 0, the given result should be 0. If the result in any category is greater than 2.375, the given result should be 2.375. This makes the maximum possible quarterback rating for the NFL 158.3. A perfect rating requires at least a 77.5% completion rate, at least 12.5 yards per attempt, a touchdown on at least 11.875% of attempts, and no interceptions.
CWP: …whereas the Concord Peabody Formula is more like Vick’s Formula 44D, a random number with no basis is reality.
Des: Why am I not surprised? Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your football blog posts are like those little hand weights... it looks like you're doing something meaningful, but unless you're willing to risk severe back injury by doing some heavy comedy lifting, your audience won't feel the burn.
Des: Uh, sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a rivalry as multi-faceted as Brittany Spears versus Madonna... and as predictable.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football post-game show. The Bears delivered a brutal shellacking to the now floundering 5-5 Miami Dolphins. Were the Bears’ swarming defense and Matt Forte’s competent ball carrying the keys to victory? And will the Bears hide those keys inside a very obvious fake rock from the Philadelphia Eagles? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Rock, Paper, Scissors” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! As a pirate, ye might be expecting me to make some sort of reference about how dolphins resemble mermaids and how that misunderstanding led to a romantic tragedy not seen since Romeo and Juliet and Aquaman versus Wonder Woman. But you would be bitterly disappointed, for I come bearing a prophetic scroll sealed in kelp by Father Poseidon himself. What visions of tomorrow’s destiny are revealed within? (Unfurls scroll) What the… “The quarterback controversy between Michael Vick and Kevin Kolb will remain unresolved?!?” This tells me nothing! (Crumples scroll in disgust) ‘Twould be better served if I read a horoscope in the lamest land-lubbing small town newspaper assembled from the dankest factories in China !
Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. Any observations from tailgate land?
DMD: I ended up in Soldier Field jail again when I thought that a woman was coming on to me, but it turned out she was staring lustfully at a McRib sandwich.
Des: Modre. What were the Bears’ keys to victory?
Modre: There’s a difference between knowing the path and following the path.
Des: What does that mean?
Modre: Jay Cutler knows what I’m talking about.
Des: Never mind. Concord Peabody . Any irrelevant stats you want to share?
CWP: If you plug in the number of times the Bears use the “shotgun formation”, the TV advertising revenue generated by each city, and amount of time it takes to leave the home stadium parking garage into a mathematical matrix, you get Concord Peabody Victory Factor of 9.875 for the Bears.
Des: Is the Victory Factor similar to the Quarterback Rating?
CWP: Well, the quarterback rating is calculated thusly: In order to establish a maximum value for an NFL player's passer rating, a separate calculation needs to be completed involving each of the following four categories: Completion Percentage, Average Yards Per Attempt, Percentage of Touchdown Passes, and Percentage of Interceptions. If the result in any category is less than 0, the given result should be 0. If the result in any category is greater than 2.375, the given result should be 2.375. This makes the maximum possible quarterback rating for the NFL 158.3. A perfect rating requires at least a 77.5% completion rate, at least 12.5 yards per attempt, a touchdown on at least 11.875% of attempts, and no interceptions.
CWP: …whereas the Concord Peabody Formula is more like Vick’s Formula 44D, a random number with no basis is reality.
Des: Why am I not surprised? Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your football blog posts are like those little hand weights... it looks like you're doing something meaningful, but unless you're willing to risk severe back injury by doing some heavy comedy lifting, your audience won't feel the burn.
Des: Uh, sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a rivalry as multi-faceted as Brittany Spears versus Madonna... and as predictable.
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