Bears vs. Seahawks: September 17, 2018

Des: So, last year, we didn’t perform a ton of Bears episodes, aside from our three token presentations: the Bears season prediction episode, the treasure map to the Super Bowl outing, and our Chum Bucket of the NFL selection. With all of the controversies about concussions and protesting police brutality during the National Anthem and the Bears continuing to be mediocre at best, football was not a fertile field for comedy for us last year.

Sally: Along with destroying everything else that’s good about America, and humanity in general, Trump destroyed comedy by making it impossible to exaggerate anything for comedic effect.

Des: Trump far exceeded my standard New Year’s resolution to single handedly bring down America’s Gross National Product. And I deliberately use “National” instead of “Domestic.” I’m no globalist!

Sally: However, given the comedy maxim “tragedy plus time equals comedy”… even while the tragedy is still ongoing… we thought it was time to try to pick up where we left off.

Des: Too soon?

Sally: Always.

Des: Excellent! So let’s give this a shot… of Jack Daniels… Honey Whiskey. Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Seahawks after a heartbreaking loss to the Green Bay Packers. Or it would be heartbreaking if I were not already numbed after numerous losses to our hated Lumbermen of the North. Will the Bears defeat one other team besides the New York Giants? Or will Chicago fans have naught to look forward to after the Cubs emerge triumphant against the Red Sox in this year’s World Series?

To answer these, and similar questions, is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody. Captain Silas Charles “Wandy” Redbeard. Modre, the trans-Western Guru. Drunky McDumb-Ass. Dr. Sally McChesty.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Last year, I had forsaken all of my aquatic deities when I unrolled the Treasure Map to the Super Bowl after tracing it on butcher paper from an overhead projector I used during a Ted Talk on Piracy in the 21^st Century. I mostly just staggered around on stage mumbling random things about unfurling your inner Jolly Roger and don’t be afraid to falsely cry “Land Ho!” from your metaphorical crow’s nest after burning the ladder. After various homemade anti-psychotic medications deprived me of my prophetic visions, only two of my picks went on to the playoffs: the Patriots and the Falcons. This year, I have returned to the celestial well filled to bursting with the tears of Poseidon, Tethys, Neptune, Aquaman, and various Kraken to carve this year’s Treasure Map to the Super Bowl on the walls of the National Archives. Or maybe it was a closed down Sears. Anyway:

Gazing upon the broken wreck that is the AFC, I foresee the Bills, Ravens, Titans, and Chargers dominating their divisions in the sense that they won by one or two games, with the Patriots and Steelers sneaking into the playoffs like a thief in the night as Wild Card Winners.

Meanwhile, in the NFC, I envision the Cowboys, Lions, Panthers, and Seahawks conquering their division by winning more games than the others, with the Eagles and Vikings conniving their way into the Wild Card Round with the style and finesse of a used car salesman.

And now for the outcome that is more predictable than every John Hughes movie: the Patriots will defeat the Panthers in a rematch of one of at least ten Super Bowls in the previous decade.

Des: Captain, you’ve picked the Patriots to win every Super Bowl in the 21^st Century.

Redbeard: Aye! And I’ve been right 90% of the time. Given how often and predictably the Patriots win the Super Bowl, I wonder why anyone bothers to watch. It can’t be the halftime show, and the last Super Bowl commercial to pierce my rum induced haze was Bud Bowl V, when a case of Falstaff beer annihilated a hapless team of Bud Bock scab players. At least that’s how I remember the 1990s.

Des: Thank you, Captain. Let’s check in with Concord Wainwright Peabody.

Concord: I have reimagined my character as providing weirdly inappropriately mechanistic coaching strategies.

Des: Why don’t you just say “obsessive compulsive” coaching strategies?

Concord: That is deeply offensive! This week’s strategy for the Bears is to overcome the single dimensionality of Bears quarterbacks by using three quarterbacks: One for the first three quarters, a relief quarterback for the fourth quarter, or sooner, once the opposing defense has completely figured out Trubisky, then they should use a third quarterback that specializes in high speed two minute offense. It works in baseball.

Sally: Thank you, Concord. End transmission.

Bears vs. Redbeard: 10-20-2013

BEARS VS. REDBEARD: 10-20-13

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Washington Pigskins, Monuments, Roundtops, Sequestrations.... whatever the hell name Dan Snyder is eventually forced , kicking and screaming, to accept. Will the Bears take advantage of this opportunity to utterly destroy another hapless foe, like they did to the Giants last week? Or will this game ruin Washington’s ability to get a decent draft pick for reasons other than the team’s name?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “In a Gadda Da” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Sally McChesty, and special guest tailgater, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Pay attention, ye wretched land-lubbers! I’d be hedging me bets when it comes to the Chicago football Bears. The offense and defense be more inconsistent than the eternally shifting whims of Poseidon and Neptune, both of whom’s demands for tribute grow e’er more unreasonable and unattainable... much like the Tea Party! Did ye appreciate that joke, Des, ye red diaper, doper trust fund baby, who has never worked an honest day of backbreaking labor in ye pathetic life, and are, therefore, never qualified to criticize America, unlike yours truly, whose great grandpappy came over from some European country that no longer exists, and carved a meager life out of nothing so that his grandson could eventually command a great fleet of fearsome pirate ships? That’s the American Dream that you so casually mock, Eugene V. Des!

Des: What are you talking about, Captain? Your grandfather was a third generation grifter who was still working the Chicago World’s Fair 30 years after it closed down. In fairness to you, though, you turned out better than him by being an imaginary sea captain piloting a pretend fleet from the attic of a condemned bowling alley.

Redbeard: Uh... arrh. That be unusually harsh coming from you, Des. Well, me pirate ship may be naught but a beautiful illusion, but the cask of rum I’m about to drink be all too real.

Des: Speaking of alcoholism, let’s check in with Drunky McDumbAss, who is partying it up at FedEx Field.

DMD: Des, I’m busy getting hammered with a bunch of government employees who have to get back to work next week. You know, Des, with great beer comes great responsibility. Fortunately for me, I’m drinking Coors Light, so tonight’s gonna be all about drunk driving and not paying child support to my five ex-wives and the future sixth ex-McDumbAss.

Des: That’s just awesome that Miller/Coors/Molson/Leinenkugel Megabeer is ripping off the slogan from Spider-Man “With great power comes great responsibility.” What next? Will Meister Brau steal the X-Men slogan “Meister Brau: Fighting for a world that hates and fears them?”

Modre: The moving walkway is now ending. Please look down. The moving walkway is now ending. Please look down. The moving walkway is now ending. Please look down.

Des: Thank you, Modre. So, Doctor McChesty, what do you have for us?

SMC: Des, while pouring over my investment portfolio that earns me more money in a month than your entire Bears panel will make in 60 lifetimes, I discovered that there is only one Beer Company left in the entire world. I decided to offer my services to sell this corporation my formula for “Sally McChesty Uber-Brau” that provides short-term euphoria and cognitive impairment while simultaneously repairing damaged brain cells, thus raising the average IQ of a football fan 20 points—to 80.

Des: Heh, heh. You said “pouring.”

SMC: I put five free cases in your garage refrigerator.

Des: All right!

Des: Last week’s theme was politics, this week it’s alcoholism. Prissy Minion, please end this!

PM: Des, your web log posts channel the howling comedic energy of Robin Williams—not the cocaine-fueled comedy of the 1970s, but the trying-too-hard comedy of today!

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that would take people’s minds off of the endless budgetary squabbles of Congress, if they hadn’t already moved on to “surprising celebrity godparents of Kate and William’s child.” A hint—it starts with a “K” and ends with “ardashian.” That’s right, sports fans, it took me until 2013 to make my first Kim Kardashian reference! Stay tuned next week when I zing Hillary Duff! Credits: the “Drunky McDumbAss” character was created by my cousin Jeff. In an odd coincidence, this is also the 100th post of the Captain Redbeard Bears blog.

Bears vs. Saints: 10-6-2013

BEARS VS. SAINTS: 10-6-13


Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the New Orleans Saints after a tough loss against the Detroit Lions. Will the Bears pick themselves up and resume their winning ways? Or has Jay Cutler already grown immune to Dr. Marc Trestman’s competence serum?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Aqua Satan” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and Doctor Sally Quincy McChesty.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Let’s take a peek at how me Treasure Map to the Superbowl is guiding ye, the trusting landlubber gambler, to untold wealth and riches that make e’en the shining citadels of Richie Rich’s playhouses 179 through 562 pale in comparison. Me Superbowl picks continue to rock the free world, with the Colts leading their division with a 3-1 record and the Seahawks be undefeated. Me AFC wild card picks, the Broncos and Patriots, have also emerged undefeated so far. The Dolphins are respectable so far with a 3-1 record, and the Bengals and Chargers still have a chance with 2-2 records. The NFC continues to befuddle me: The Bears, my first wild card pick have a respectable showing with 3-1, but the Falcons have a 1-3 record, and my remaining three divisional picks are terrible: the Giants are 0-4, the Vikings are 1-3, and the Panthers are 1-2. Father Poseidon, why have you forsaken me?!?!?

Des: Presumably, it’s because of your multitude of crimes against humanity, both on and off the water. By the way, Captain, kudos for your curse against the Redskins that didn’t even last one week. Modre. What fortune cookie advice do you have for us this week?

Modre: The quickest way to fall is to stand still. Of course, Jay Cutler is a very mobile quarterback, and that’s not helping him out either.

Des: Thank you, Modre. So, Doctor McChesty, what do you have for us?

SMC: Des, when will they leave Josh Freeman alone?

Des: This is the most football-focused post we’ve had in a while. Prissy Minion, take us off track, won’t you?

PM: Des, your stadium sized comedy insights and menacing undertones never fail to lighten my mood.

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game against a city that narrowly avoided being destroyed again by another “K” hurricane--- and, no, those aren’t comedy “k” sounds you’re hearing.

Bears vs. Vikings: 1-1-12

BEARS VS. VIKINGS: 1-1-12

Des: Welcome to this season's final edition of the Chicago Bears football pregame show. The Bears face off against the Minnesota Vikings in a game that means nothing to either team. Will the Bears audition a different quarterback every play? Or will both teams agree to give its fans a true show with a series of choreographed wacky plays, not unlike to Harlem Globetrotters, with the coin toss determining which team gets to be the Washington Generals? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles "Moses Magnum" Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and truth-seeker extraordinaire, Wonder Woman.

WW: Really, Des? "Truth-seeking extraordinaire"? Could you be any more pompous? Is that supposed to refer to my magic lasso? If so, be aware that I'm shifting to waterboarding for 2012.

Redbeard: ARRRRHHHHH, mateys! If ye be done with your pointless flirtations, it be time for Captain Redbeard's Rum-soaked Reevelation for the New Year. God seems to be getting himself involved in football even more than usual lately, from choosing Tim Tebow as his quarterback, to telling St. Louis Rams cornerback Al Harris it's time to retire. (True story!) What must the Bears do to receive similar divine intervention? Well, since Jehovah has clearly picked the Psckers to be the NFC North team for this decade, the Bears must fight back with deities from as many different parthenons as they can sucker into helping, whether it be my favorites Poseidon and Neptune, or Buddha (because no one would suspect him), or Quetzalcoatl. I'd go for Quetzalcoatl, since 2012 seems to be his year.

Des: Concord Peabody. What's your prediction?

Concord: Well, Des, this is the 20th anniversary of the breakup of the Soviet Union. The Bears are 4-0 when major empires disband, defeating the Packers when the Austro-Hungarian Empire collapsed in 1918, the Browns when the Ottoman Empire fell in 1922, the Redskins when India broke off from Great Britain, and the Chargers when the Soviet Union disbanded.

Des: But, Concord, no major empire is falling apart now, is it?

Concord: Why don't you cut away to Modre?

Modre: A Chinese fortune cookie once said, "Force equals too much, effort equals too little, being equals just right." Being Lovie Smith has not been especially helpful lately.

Des: Prissy Minion. What are your thought?

Prissy: Des, my New Year's Resolution is to lose enough weight to fit inside your mind.

Des: As Riche Rich's butler Cadbury would say, "Egad!" Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a match that will provide a New Year's reminder that the more things change, the more they remain the same.

Bears vs. Falcons: 9-11-11

BEARS VS. FALCONS: 9-11-11

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Atlanta Falcons in the shadow of the 10th anniversary of 9-11 and the contract controversy with Lance Briggs. Will the Bears cave to Lance Briggs’ demand that he be traded? Or will he take the field tomorrow in red, white, and blue finery that would make Captain America and Evel Knievel look understated by comparison?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Sweet Polly Purebred” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and DC Comics super-heroine Wonder Woman.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Whilst the internet provides even the laziest land-lubbing dullard the statistics and expert opinion necessary to transform him into a well-informed sounding expert on sports, I still rely on the tried and true rum induced hallucinations of ocean deities Neptune and Poseidon, plus the occasional obscure Aztec sea lord, such as Chalchiuhtlicue, which means “she who wears the jade skirt”. And a very sexy skirt it is, too! ARRRHHH! Hey, why is it suddenly dark and stormy?

Chalchiuhtlicue: Redbeard! Why do you profane me with your disgusting lust?

SR: Chalchiuhtlicue! My liege! I be truly sorry for me impertinence. Look! I’ll slay Des in your honor!

Des: Hey, wait a minute…

Chalchiuhtlicue: Very well. Why don’t you reveal my predictions for the 2011 Bears season?

SR: Thankee, my aquatic overlord. The Bears will go 11-5 this year, submerging the Falcons, Panthers, Buccaneers, Raiders, Broncos, and Seahawks, plus the Vikings and Lions twice. But they will lose to the Saints, Eagles, Chargers, and Chiefs, and split the Packers.

Des: Captain, I noticed that you picked the Bears to beat the Buccaneers and Raiders. That must be very hard for you.

SR: Not as hard as it will be for you to eat solid food again after our post-production meeting.

Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

CWS: Well, the Falcons traded up for Julio Jones, got Ray Edwards and signed some starting-level defensive backs, while the Bears didn't really address their offensive line woes, lost a key center, cut two players who were big 2010 free-agent signings, and now Lance Briggs wants a trade. That said, the Bears will still win 51 to 3.

Des: Modre. What advice do you have for the Bears this week?

Modre: Ellen Glasgow once said, “All change is not growth, as all movement is not forward.” something the Bears offensive line knows all too well.

Des: Wonder Woman. What’s your take on today’s game?

WW: Don’t refer to me as a super-heroine. It makes me sound like something Scott Weiland used to use. Say “no” to drugs, kids!

Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?

PM: Oh, Des. You combine far-flung elements into a unique sound that is both experimental and melody loving. At least that’s what my unauthorized I-tunes profile of you says.

Des: Okay, then. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will cause as many people to pass out as those who watch a Criss Angel show… also from alcohol poisoning.

Bears vs. Patriots: 12-12-10

BEARS VS. PATRIOTS: 12-12-10

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the New England Patriots, two teams that are enjoying a second half ascendance. Could this be a possible preview of a future Super-bowl? Or will both franchises be the only 11-5 teams kept out of the playoffs? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody; Captain Silas Charles "Dirty Mistletoe" Redbeard; Modre the trans-Western mystic; the Prissy Minion; and special guest former Bears coach and living legend Mike Ditka.

SR: ARRRRRGGGHHHHH, mateys! Since Neptune and Poseidon refuse to give me accurate football predictions despite me numerous sacrifices of captured cruise ship passengers in their names…

Des: Wait a minute… Captain, you sacrificed cruise ship passengers just to get good football picks?

SR: Aye, me gambling debts be too staggering too count. Besides, my crimes are nothing compared to what Frank Caliendo does to divine his picks for Fox Sports. But that be beside the point. This week, I have appealed to the great Inuit sea-god Arnakguasac to share her wisdom with me. Depending on which origin tale ye’ve heard, Arnakguasac was cast to the depths of the sea by either trying to eat her parents, or slaying the original sea god to which she was sacrificed, or marrying a dog instead of the suitor chosen by her father, or rejecting another suitor chosen by her father who turns out to be a giant raven. I can identify with any of these scenarios.

Des: That does not surprise me Captain… so, do you have a football pick?

SR: Thankee, Des. I lost me Night Train of thought. Arnakguasac has chosen the Bears as today’s winner, even though bears have slaughtered many of her sea children.

Des: That’s very magnanimous of her. Modre, what wisdom do you have for us?

Modre: I believe it was you, Des, who misquoted Edward R. Murrow by saying, “The politician is trained in the art of making the inexcusable palatable.” That said, I would cherish Barack Obama’s appearance on Fox Sports.

Des: Murrow actually said, “The politician is trained in the art of inexactitude. His words tend to be blunt or rounded because if they have a cutting edge they may later return to wound him.”, but I like my misquote better.

Des: Concord Peabody, what's your Victory Factor for the Bears matchup against New England?

CP: Des, if you examine the defensive matchup of Julius Peppers versus the offensive wizardry of Wes Welker and supermodel firepower of Brian Urlacher versus Tom Brady, the Bears should have a Victory Factor of 93.1.

Des: Concord, does WXRT DJ Terry Hemmert still do “Breakfast with the Beatles”?

CP: I think it’s a liquid breakfast now.

Des: Coach Ditka. Give us your thoughts.

Ditka: "What's the difference between a 3-week-old puppy and a sportswriter?
In 6 weeks, the puppy will stop whining."

Des: Coach, the death of print media is your final revenge. Or a long term sociological, technological shift. Either way, the system works. Prissy Minion, how do you want to finish this off?

PM: Oh, Des. Your Bears football posts are like the ancient dinosaurs… they belong in a museum, not in some tar pit you may have drunkenly wandered into one night.

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a match that will make you forget your wife’s simmering resentment as you inhale without a second thought the dozen donuts she carefully frosted with the Bears logo while she secretly dreams of Tom Brady.

Bears vs. Dolphins:11-18-10

BEARS VS. DOLPHINS: 11-18-10

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football post-game show. The Bears delivered a brutal shellacking to the now floundering 5-5 Miami Dolphins. Were the Bears’ swarming defense and Matt Forte’s competent ball carrying the keys to victory? And will the Bears hide those keys inside a very obvious fake rock from the Philadelphia Eagles? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Rock, Paper, Scissors” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! As a pirate, ye might be expecting me to make some sort of reference about how dolphins resemble mermaids and how that misunderstanding led to a romantic tragedy not seen since Romeo and Juliet and Aquaman versus Wonder Woman. But you would be bitterly disappointed, for I come bearing a prophetic scroll sealed in kelp by Father Poseidon himself. What visions of tomorrow’s destiny are revealed within? (Unfurls scroll) What the… “The quarterback controversy between Michael Vick and Kevin Kolb will remain unresolved?!?” This tells me nothing! (Crumples scroll in disgust) ‘Twould be better served if I read a horoscope in the lamest land-lubbing small town newspaper assembled from the dankest factories in China !

Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. Any observations from tailgate land?

DMD: I ended up in Soldier Field jail again when I thought that a woman was coming on to me, but it turned out she was staring lustfully at a McRib sandwich.

Des: Modre. What were the Bears’ keys to victory?

Modre: There’s a difference between knowing the path and following the path.

Des: What does that mean?

Modre: Jay Cutler knows what I’m talking about.

Des: Never mind. Concord Peabody . Any irrelevant stats you want to share?

CWP: If you plug in the number of times the Bears use the “shotgun formation”, the TV advertising revenue generated by each city, and amount of time it takes to leave the home stadium parking garage into a mathematical matrix, you get Concord Peabody Victory Factor of 9.875 for the Bears.

Des: Is the Victory Factor similar to the Quarterback Rating?

CWP: Well, the quarterback rating is calculated thusly: In order to establish a maximum value for an NFL player's passer rating, a separate calculation needs to be completed involving each of the following four categories: Completion Percentage, Average Yards Per Attempt, Percentage of Touchdown Passes, and Percentage of Interceptions. If the result in any category is less than 0, the given result should be 0. If the result in any category is greater than 2.375, the given result should be 2.375. This makes the maximum possible quarterback rating for the NFL 158.3. A perfect rating requires at least a 77.5% completion rate, at least 12.5 yards per attempt, a touchdown on at least 11.875% of attempts, and no interceptions.

CWP: …whereas the Concord Peabody Formula is more like Vick’s Formula 44D, a random number with no basis is reality.

Des: Why am I not surprised? Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?

PM: Oh, Des. Your football blog posts are like those little hand weights... it looks like you're doing something meaningful, but unless you're willing to risk severe back injury by doing some heavy comedy lifting, your audience won't feel the burn.

Des: Uh, sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a rivalry as multi-faceted as Brittany Spears versus Madonna... and as predictable.