Bears vs. Rams: 11-15-2015

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Saint Louis Rams after a tough win against the San Diego Chargers. Will the Bears recapture last week’s winning formula of an acceptable defense, a competent offense, and an opposing team that smothers itself with yellow flags? Or will they be trampled underfoot by a legendary running back whose last name of “Gurley” caused the Fox broadcasting team to giggle themselves silly last week?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “20,000 Leagues Under the Weight of His Crimes Against Humanity” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae MacGillicutty, and our tailgate party correspondent, Drunky McDumbAss.

Des: We’ll start the festivities with the segment I’d like to call, “Let’s Make Fun of the Captain’s Terrible Playoff Picks”, but since he has his cutlass pointed at one of my more important organs, it’s time now for “The NFL’s Biggest Disappointments That Were Way Better On Paper Than In Reality.”

Redbeard: ARRRRRRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHHHH, mateys! Let’s take a long, pitiful glance at the teams that, like fabled aqua based comic book legends Aquaman and the Sub-Mariner, failed to live up to their potential: First, the NFC, and the Detroit Lions— hoo boy—who would’ve thought that the Lions were one Ndamukong Suh away from being the… Detroit Lions? As it turned out—EVERYONE EXCEPT ME! But that was me worst choice. Me other selections ‘tweren’t nearly as bad—they be merely mediocre, like a Carnival Cruise, but not catastrophically bad… like a Carnival Cruise. Ye have the Eagles, who are neck and neck for first with the Giants with a 4-4 record, while the Saints are in a distant third… with a 4-5 record. I challenge any land lubber to try to cipher that one out without your high tech computers and your complex Common Core math problems. Back in my day, we had naught but sextants and the constellations of the night sky and the entrails of various whales when we would set up our illegal betting pools. And we didn’t “log on” or use “bitcoin” to pay our gambling debt. No, we gave our money in a paper sack, trembling, to guys named “Lefty” and “Knuckles” and “the Shiv.”

Redbeard: But enough of me caterwaulin’ about a beautiful distant past submerged in the impenetrable haze of multi-decade alcoholism to torment meself—my question is, if you’re an AFC team, why even bother? Tom Brady’s terrible vengeance against the NFL, and then all mankind, will first lay waste to the entire AFC. The Texans and Chiefs, my choices to win their divisions that sadly each have 3-5 records, will be naught but collateral damage in the merciless maw of Brady’s hyper-focused rage. As I must needs find some silver lining in the black miasma in which I usually “pilot” me vessel, the Bengals, who I chose to win the AFC North, is still undefeated. Like drunken Odysseus, I also keep being drawn to the siren girth of Rex Ryan, whose managerial style resembles me own with similar results: Five out of nine boarding parties yield untold riches, while the remaining four end in mutiny and a self-destruct sequence.

Des: Drunky McDumbAss. What’s happening in tailgate land?

Drunky: As the first person to be banned from Uber for life in perpetuity throughout the universe, I make the party wherever I am—which sounds like a great slogan for some kind of beer, but it really means that I just barge my loud stench into the first neighborhood party or open house I find as I shamble down the street of whatever neighborhood I was dumped into by the local Chamber of Commerce.

Des: Uh, huh. Do you actually bring anything to a party, other than some previously unknown insect vector, and a stark reminder that not every drunk is Charles Bukowski?

Drunky:  Well, you know how Bud Light has cans with Chicago Bears stuff on it? I bought 53 cans and wrote the names of all 53 Bears players on those cans, and then I would drink a beer whenever that player was on the field. Then at the end of the first quarter, when all the cans are empty, I would re-enact every play with the beer cans. Then when the game’s over, I would make beer can angels on the floor.

Des: That’s an image that’s going to take a while to fade from my mind’s eye. Actually, I think the afterimage is going to be worse. Speaking of Norman Rockwell on black velvet, here’s Ellie Mae McGillicutty.

Ellie Mae: Alannah Myles’s “Black Velvet” is my personal anthem and I would thank you very much for not mocking it.

Des: Sally McChesty. Would’st thou conclude this episode?

Sally: What are you doing, Des, getting ready to introduce some new Renaissance Faire character? To piggyback on the success of “Galavant?” Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a game that will have five minutes of football and three hours of pointless speculation about when the Rams will move back to Los Angeles.

Bears vs. Seahawks: 9-27-2015

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Seahawks, last year’s NFC Champions, whose dreams of Super-bowl glory were crushed under the deflated balls of Tom Brady and one—ONE, I tells ya--- bad call by Coach Pete Carroll. Will the Bears’ newest, nameless backup quarterback take advantage of the opportunity presented by the crippling injury to Jay Cutler, like Tom Brady did when Drew Bledsoe was knocked out of the Patriots in 2001? Or will he end up like what’s-his-name, who replaced Bledsoe for the Cowboys in 2006?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Rainbow Warrior” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae MacGillicutty, and proud owner of an oxygen tent timeshare, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! ‘Tis ironic, Des, that ye would nickname me “Rainbow Warrior”, since I was the mission leader of “Operation Satanique”, the French intelligence operation that blew up the Rainbow Warrior. Speaking of satanic operations, let’s take a look at the New England Patriots, who remain undefeated both on and off the field. Be there any team capable of channeling the forces of darkness better than Bill Belichick, whether it take the form of scrambled headset frequencies, deflated footballs, or tricking the opposing team into playing “outside themselves”, “running uphill”, forgetting to turn on that extra gear, and not playing “in space”?  Did I use every football cliché uttered by Joe Buck?

Des: That’s not even scratching the surface, Redbeard.

Redbeard: Aye, Des. I know. I know.

Redbeard: So. To answer me earlier question: as one who dabbles into the dark arts for fun and profit, my advice to other NFL teams is: if you want to successfully tap into the profane arts arcane, don’t be obvious and outright wear the symbols of evil, like the Redskins or the Raiders. Wear something that superficially ties into the great traditions of America, like the Dallas Cowboys. They had a pretty good run. Once.

Des: What do you mean by “dark arts”, Captain? Calligraphy? Black and white photography?

Redbeard: Let me take a lock of your hair, Des, and I’ll make a nice action figure for you.

Des: Halloween comes early this year. Speaking of the great Halloween tradition of hiding behind a mask while building up a tolerance for New Year’s Eve, here’s Drunky McDumbAss. What football party are you ruining this Sunday afternoon?

Drunky: I prefer to be at an undisclosed location, Des. Today’s drinking game involves me having a sip of LA beer every time there’s a graphic showing the number of quarterbacks who have played for the Bears since 2010. Even I, who am on my third stem-cell experimental pig liver, can’t drink a real beer for every time that topic comes up. I think there are numerous small college towns in Illinois whose entire economy is based on supplying Chicago with backup quarterbacks.

Des: Unfortunately, those are on-line colleges. Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

Concord: Every time I watch the commercial for “Draft Kings”, it saddens my heart. I see burly meatheads enjoying the camaraderie of other men and the occasional, beautiful supportive woman, all united in the pursuit of virtual victory. Meanwhile, I’m sitting in my one-bedroom studio apartment trying to unsuccessfully use my Draft Kings smart phone application, which is incompatible with my I-phone 4’s operating system, which was a discounted experimental version of IOS 5Q on the MCI network. Based on the data I was able to painfully extract from a grease-encrusted Wi-Fi router at Rudy Tuesday’s just seconds before it went out of business, I predict a Bears victory: 41-17.

Des: Concord, why aren’t you getting hammered alongside Drunky McDumbAss? Modre. I have no clumsy way to transition to your one sentence summary of Donald Trump, but give it to me anyway.

Modre: “The candle that burns brightest burns briefest.” Especially if that candle is snuffed out by Mark Cuban.

Des: Prissy Minion. Activate.

Prissy Minion: Apply directly to the forehead, Des. Your cascading voice grabs the ear of the listener with the tenacity of a pit bull. Or Mike Tyson. Too soon?

Des: If this were 2005.

Des: Ellie Mae McGillicutty. What southern fried wisdom do you have for us today?

Ellie Mae: Des, I couldn’t help but notice that the Bears only play one game in the former Confederacy. What’s the matter, isn’t the NFC South weak enough for you?

Des: We were tired of giving Ron Rivera his only win. Doctor Sally McChesty. Would you seal this episode in frozen carbonite?

Redbeard: ARRRRHHHH, mateys! Would it not be better for all concerned if ye just let me bookend this episode like the deus ex piratannica that I am?

Sally: I’m sure that’s just what the listener/reader wants to hear: More from a pale echo of Herman Melville and H.P. Lovecraft.

Redbeard: And I tried to pattern myself more after the B.J. Gigglesnort Hotel. Now if ye will excuse me, I will go up to me attic and pretend to be sailing a ship.

Bears vs. Patriots: 10-26-2014

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears travel to New England to face the Patriots, whose rapidly aging quarterback still does better than every Bears quarterback in history combined, excluding the bad ones—which excludes all but maybe two. Will the Bears put together an error-free game and take advantage of New England’s many flaws that have not yet been exploited by inferior foes? Or will the Bears whole continue to be less than the sum of its parts, especially when one of those parts is Jay Cutler?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Wonderwall” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, and the 21^st Century version of W.C. Fields, but without the charm, clever wit, or a rudimentary education, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Des, do ye believe that ye can somehow draw Generation X’ers into this pre-game cavalcade with a reference to an Oasis album? If so, ye be a bigger fool than today’s young people who flock to ISIS because, apparently, we don’t have enough neo-Nazi or radical communist groups to absorb our disaffected youth. I live in fear of the inevitable Islamo-rock bands that have probably already emerged in cities and college towns across America because you don’t have a viable sub-culture unless you have a few rock bands dedicated to spreading whatever half-assed message you’re trying to get across. In my youth, I myself tried to spawn a pirate rock movement whose end results deserve to die on the slowly decaying 8 tracks stashed in my Hull of Shame which has somehow survived numerous torpedo-ings. Sadly, pirate rock was pretty much nothing more than increasingly angry renditions of The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald.

So, to answer your original question, Des, the Bears should bench Jay Cutler. This wouldn’t be the first time the Bears spent $100 billion on a quarterback who was a bust, nor will it be the last, unfortunately.

Sally: If I may interrupt, Des…

Des: It’s Doctor Sally McChesty, ladies and gentlemen, with this week’s injury report.

Sally: Jay Cutler has survived seven consecutive games without a season-ending injury, but you wouldn’t know it from the Bears’ 3-4 record.

Des: Drunky McDumbAss. How are things going in New England?

Drunky: Des, I drove through DWI roadblocks in six states in six minutes.

Des: Because New England states are so tiny. I get it, Drunky. You better be careful in Maine, though. I hear that’s disputed territory with the British.

Drunky: Not since the Webster-Ashburton Treaty of 1842. But don’t worry, Des. If the Lobsterbacks invade Maine, 44.7% of my Scottish blood will resist it.

Des: Modre. Scramble my refrigerator word magnets.

Modre: Friedrich Nietzsche was once said, “The best author will be one who is ashamed to become a writer.” That should be true of every profession.

Des: Uh, sure. Why not? Prissy Minion. Go, solely because it’s your turn.

Prissy: Des, your posts are both jubilant and anarchic in that they make no sense and make me laugh in spite of themselves. But that’s still pure genius, and, for that, I thank you.

Sally: Thank you for joining us, Bears fans, on this pre-game experience, brought to by the Jean Shaheen for Senate Campaign, which hopes that her home field advantage works out better than the Bears this season.

Bears vs. Patriots: 12-12-10

BEARS VS. PATRIOTS: 12-12-10

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the New England Patriots, two teams that are enjoying a second half ascendance. Could this be a possible preview of a future Super-bowl? Or will both franchises be the only 11-5 teams kept out of the playoffs? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody; Captain Silas Charles "Dirty Mistletoe" Redbeard; Modre the trans-Western mystic; the Prissy Minion; and special guest former Bears coach and living legend Mike Ditka.

SR: ARRRRRGGGHHHHH, mateys! Since Neptune and Poseidon refuse to give me accurate football predictions despite me numerous sacrifices of captured cruise ship passengers in their names…

Des: Wait a minute… Captain, you sacrificed cruise ship passengers just to get good football picks?

SR: Aye, me gambling debts be too staggering too count. Besides, my crimes are nothing compared to what Frank Caliendo does to divine his picks for Fox Sports. But that be beside the point. This week, I have appealed to the great Inuit sea-god Arnakguasac to share her wisdom with me. Depending on which origin tale ye’ve heard, Arnakguasac was cast to the depths of the sea by either trying to eat her parents, or slaying the original sea god to which she was sacrificed, or marrying a dog instead of the suitor chosen by her father, or rejecting another suitor chosen by her father who turns out to be a giant raven. I can identify with any of these scenarios.

Des: That does not surprise me Captain… so, do you have a football pick?

SR: Thankee, Des. I lost me Night Train of thought. Arnakguasac has chosen the Bears as today’s winner, even though bears have slaughtered many of her sea children.

Des: That’s very magnanimous of her. Modre, what wisdom do you have for us?

Modre: I believe it was you, Des, who misquoted Edward R. Murrow by saying, “The politician is trained in the art of making the inexcusable palatable.” That said, I would cherish Barack Obama’s appearance on Fox Sports.

Des: Murrow actually said, “The politician is trained in the art of inexactitude. His words tend to be blunt or rounded because if they have a cutting edge they may later return to wound him.”, but I like my misquote better.

Des: Concord Peabody, what's your Victory Factor for the Bears matchup against New England?

CP: Des, if you examine the defensive matchup of Julius Peppers versus the offensive wizardry of Wes Welker and supermodel firepower of Brian Urlacher versus Tom Brady, the Bears should have a Victory Factor of 93.1.

Des: Concord, does WXRT DJ Terry Hemmert still do “Breakfast with the Beatles”?

CP: I think it’s a liquid breakfast now.

Des: Coach Ditka. Give us your thoughts.

Ditka: "What's the difference between a 3-week-old puppy and a sportswriter?
In 6 weeks, the puppy will stop whining."

Des: Coach, the death of print media is your final revenge. Or a long term sociological, technological shift. Either way, the system works. Prissy Minion, how do you want to finish this off?

PM: Oh, Des. Your Bears football posts are like the ancient dinosaurs… they belong in a museum, not in some tar pit you may have drunkenly wandered into one night.

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a match that will make you forget your wife’s simmering resentment as you inhale without a second thought the dozen donuts she carefully frosted with the Bears logo while she secretly dreams of Tom Brady.