Bears vs. Redbeard: 10-20-2013

BEARS VS. REDBEARD: 10-20-13

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Washington Pigskins, Monuments, Roundtops, Sequestrations.... whatever the hell name Dan Snyder is eventually forced , kicking and screaming, to accept. Will the Bears take advantage of this opportunity to utterly destroy another hapless foe, like they did to the Giants last week? Or will this game ruin Washington’s ability to get a decent draft pick for reasons other than the team’s name?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “In a Gadda Da” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Sally McChesty, and special guest tailgater, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Pay attention, ye wretched land-lubbers! I’d be hedging me bets when it comes to the Chicago football Bears. The offense and defense be more inconsistent than the eternally shifting whims of Poseidon and Neptune, both of whom’s demands for tribute grow e’er more unreasonable and unattainable... much like the Tea Party! Did ye appreciate that joke, Des, ye red diaper, doper trust fund baby, who has never worked an honest day of backbreaking labor in ye pathetic life, and are, therefore, never qualified to criticize America, unlike yours truly, whose great grandpappy came over from some European country that no longer exists, and carved a meager life out of nothing so that his grandson could eventually command a great fleet of fearsome pirate ships? That’s the American Dream that you so casually mock, Eugene V. Des!

Des: What are you talking about, Captain? Your grandfather was a third generation grifter who was still working the Chicago World’s Fair 30 years after it closed down. In fairness to you, though, you turned out better than him by being an imaginary sea captain piloting a pretend fleet from the attic of a condemned bowling alley.

Redbeard: Uh... arrh. That be unusually harsh coming from you, Des. Well, me pirate ship may be naught but a beautiful illusion, but the cask of rum I’m about to drink be all too real.

Des: Speaking of alcoholism, let’s check in with Drunky McDumbAss, who is partying it up at FedEx Field.

DMD: Des, I’m busy getting hammered with a bunch of government employees who have to get back to work next week. You know, Des, with great beer comes great responsibility. Fortunately for me, I’m drinking Coors Light, so tonight’s gonna be all about drunk driving and not paying child support to my five ex-wives and the future sixth ex-McDumbAss.

Des: That’s just awesome that Miller/Coors/Molson/Leinenkugel Megabeer is ripping off the slogan from Spider-Man “With great power comes great responsibility.” What next? Will Meister Brau steal the X-Men slogan “Meister Brau: Fighting for a world that hates and fears them?”

Modre: The moving walkway is now ending. Please look down. The moving walkway is now ending. Please look down. The moving walkway is now ending. Please look down.

Des: Thank you, Modre. So, Doctor McChesty, what do you have for us?

SMC: Des, while pouring over my investment portfolio that earns me more money in a month than your entire Bears panel will make in 60 lifetimes, I discovered that there is only one Beer Company left in the entire world. I decided to offer my services to sell this corporation my formula for “Sally McChesty Uber-Brau” that provides short-term euphoria and cognitive impairment while simultaneously repairing damaged brain cells, thus raising the average IQ of a football fan 20 points—to 80.

Des: Heh, heh. You said “pouring.”

SMC: I put five free cases in your garage refrigerator.

Des: All right!

Des: Last week’s theme was politics, this week it’s alcoholism. Prissy Minion, please end this!

PM: Des, your web log posts channel the howling comedic energy of Robin Williams—not the cocaine-fueled comedy of the 1970s, but the trying-too-hard comedy of today!

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that would take people’s minds off of the endless budgetary squabbles of Congress, if they hadn’t already moved on to “surprising celebrity godparents of Kate and William’s child.” A hint—it starts with a “K” and ends with “ardashian.” That’s right, sports fans, it took me until 2013 to make my first Kim Kardashian reference! Stay tuned next week when I zing Hillary Duff! Credits: the “Drunky McDumbAss” character was created by my cousin Jeff. In an odd coincidence, this is also the 100th post of the Captain Redbeard Bears blog.

Bears vs. Eagles: 11-7-11

BEARS VS. EAGLES: 11-7-11

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football post-game show. The Bears defeated the Philadelphia Eagles at the so-called City of Brotherly Love, showing flashes of brilliance on the national stage and winning three consecutive games. Will the Bears continue to use pocket protection, a mighty pass defense, and the fleet feet of Forte to dominate their remaining foes and avenge last year’s NFC championship debacle? Or will they revert back to the no-protection offense and an easily-tired defense?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Savoir Faire” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and the embodiment of Des’s America, Wonder Woman.

SR: ARRH, mateys! Time now for Captain Redbeard’s Chum-bucket of the NFL: The Indianapolis Colts, with their 0-8 record. If I be them, I’d be resortin’ to any dark sorcery atrocity to heal Payton Manning: voodoo, zombie-ism, vampirism, stealing the life force of entire cities, embryonic stem cell research, the NFL waiver wire…

Des: Uh, thanks, Captain. Concord Peabody. What statistical anomalies would you like to share with us?

CWP: Des, on paper, the Philadelphia Eagles should have had every advantage against the Bears: Michael Vick’s quarterbacking, plus receiver Jeremy Macklin’s adhesive hands, but they neglected one very important unseen hand: The invisible hand of Bears destiny. Is it a coincidence that the Detroit Lions have started losing games at the same time that the Bears have reemerged in the NFC North? I don’t know if the invisible hand is strong enough to wave off the stench of those Cheesehead hats, though.

Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?

Modre: Eugene V. Debs once said, “Chicago is the product of modern capitalism, and, like other great commercial centers, is unfit for human habitation.” That said, the revamped Soldier Field is very nice.

Des: Moving on, because… well, why not? Wonder Woman. How do you want to finish this off?

WW: Superman, my hubby in an alternate universe, always defeats Lex Luthor, even though Lex is much smarter. Think about it, liberals! And yes, I use the phrase “think about it” ironically. By the way, genius = evil.

Des: …which is why I’ve dumbed down this website. The reading grade level equivalent of this post: 7.6. Check it out for yourself.