BEARS VS. COLTS: 9-9-12
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Indianapolis Colts in a half-assed rematch of Superbowl 41. Will Jay Cutler and Brandon Marshall regain the magic they displayed as the tag team extraordinaire of the Denver Broncos? Or will Colts’ quarterback Andrew Luck turn in an outstanding performance that will inspire many more tortured puns based on his last name?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Leather Tuscadero” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and returning after a five year hiatus, Sally McChesty.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! After 10 years of doing these Bears pre-game broadcasts, I’ve used every tool to predict the Bears seasons without success: Bodily ailments, visions from various deities, magic 8 balls… I’ve even resorted to statistical analysis! What’s left? Mermaid entrails? The patterns of goo on the inside of me eye patch? Why not? Here be my predictions for the 2012 Bears season:
The Bears will go 14-2 this year, water-boarding the Colts, Rams, Cowboys, Jags, Panthers, Titans, Texans, 49ers, Seahawks, and Cardinals, plus the Vikings and Lions twice. But they will lose to the Packers twice. On an unrelated topic, I don’t need a crystal ball to predict that all of Sunday’s quarterbacks throughout the NFL will have a career-ending injury by the middle of October thanks to the replacement refs and the overturning of the New Orleans Saints player suspensions.
Des: Captain, I noticed that the Bears are not playing the Buccaneers and Raiders this season. Are you saddened by this turn of events?
SR: I’ll make do with the Bears playing the Seahawks. Plus, I’m pretty sure that the Weather Channel has some pointless documentaries about the weather and piracy that will inspire me to do some angry blogging.
Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?
CWS: Well, Andrew Luck was a really good college quarterback, the Colts still have plenty of strong veterans, including the dependable kicker Adam Vinatieri, and Brian Urlacher might be out due to a knee injury. That said, the Bears will still win 74 to 6.
Des: Modre! I have no idea what you will say next.
Modre: Nor should you, for I have rejected your strait-jacketed Western notions of linear thought. On September 6, the people of Swaziland celebrated Somhlolo Day for the 19th century King Somhlolo, whose name means “wonder”. The true “wonder” is that Indianapolis has a football team.
Des: Nice. A fake multi-cultural reference reduced to a set up for a crappy joke. Finally, we have Sally McChesty, a supermodel ex-cheerleader whose touching interview with Ron Shambles will show the human side of this controversial defensive line man-monster.
SMC: Des, after spending several days in an interview that turned into a standoff with police, defensive legend Ron Shambles has shared with me the secrets of his soul, and these are the only ones that were fit for broadcast: He’s had roosters fighting pit bulls for money, he refuses to pay child support for any of the 20 children he’s had with 15 different women, he’s stolen money and women from war veterans, and he’s a Holocaust denier. Ron Shambles is a horrible, horrible human being.
Des: That’s all the time we have, folks. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that might make people forget about the terrible economy… if trillions of dollars of TV advertising money from the Koch Brothers and Sheldon Adelson weren’t spent to remind them!
Showing posts with label Indianapolis Colts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Indianapolis Colts. Show all posts
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Bears vs. Lions: 11-13-2011
BEARS VS. LIONS: 11-7-11
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions in a late afternoon game that won’t be broadcast nationally to make way for the allegedly awesome 49ers/Giants match-up. Will the Bears take advantage of this temporary obscurity to finish off a Detroit Lions team whose bandwagon wheels may be coming off, much to my shameful delight of seeing a Cinderella story burst into flames? Or will “Megatron” run roughshod over the Bears defense, setting up an improbable run to the Super-bowl, reviving confidence in the American auto industry, and ensuring Obama wins a second term?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Klondike Kat” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and the embodiment of Des’s America, Wonder Woman.
PM: Oh, Des. That was a very enjoyable pun. “Cinder”-ella story? Bursting into flames? Pure genius!
SR: ARRH, mateys! If ye be done polishin’ Des’s ego so that its bright glare is causing planes to crash throughout the New England region, ‘tis time now for Captain Redbeard’s Chum-bucket of the NFL: The Indianapolis Colts, with their 0-9 record. I await to see if the Colts heeded my call to perform unholy acts to heal Payton Manning and return him to active duty. If not, the Jaguars will win 38-0.
Des: Uh, thanks, Captain. Concord Peabody. Who will win Sunday’s matchup?
CWP: Des, the Bears Cover-2 has no answer against Megatron, they have to get more than one sack to slow down the Lions, the Lions had a bye week last week, so Matt Stafford’s ankle has had more time to heal, and former Bears team leader Chris Harris plays his first game as a Lion, against his old team. That said, the Bears will still win 33-17.
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: Kurt Vonnegut once said, “Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before.” That said, Jay Cutler has done a nice job learning Mike Martz’s offense.
Des: Wonder Woman. How do you want to finish this off?
WW: Des, if the Colts are looking for a new quarterback, I was created to be as "beautiful as Aphrodite, wise as Athena, swifter than Hermes, and stronger than Hercules.” At least that’s according to Amazonian legend, and who are you to argue with that?
Des: I… I don’t know. Let’s a check of the reading grade level equivalent of this post: 7.3. Damn! That’s too high. Let’s try this to dumb it down a little: Burp! Fart! Take away his man-card! Okay, let’s hit each other with 2 X 4s. (Several minutes of beatings later…) Now let’s do a reading level check…Yes! Down to 6.5! End transmission.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions in a late afternoon game that won’t be broadcast nationally to make way for the allegedly awesome 49ers/Giants match-up. Will the Bears take advantage of this temporary obscurity to finish off a Detroit Lions team whose bandwagon wheels may be coming off, much to my shameful delight of seeing a Cinderella story burst into flames? Or will “Megatron” run roughshod over the Bears defense, setting up an improbable run to the Super-bowl, reviving confidence in the American auto industry, and ensuring Obama wins a second term?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Klondike Kat” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and the embodiment of Des’s America, Wonder Woman.
PM: Oh, Des. That was a very enjoyable pun. “Cinder”-ella story? Bursting into flames? Pure genius!
SR: ARRH, mateys! If ye be done polishin’ Des’s ego so that its bright glare is causing planes to crash throughout the New England region, ‘tis time now for Captain Redbeard’s Chum-bucket of the NFL: The Indianapolis Colts, with their 0-9 record. I await to see if the Colts heeded my call to perform unholy acts to heal Payton Manning and return him to active duty. If not, the Jaguars will win 38-0.
Des: Uh, thanks, Captain. Concord Peabody. Who will win Sunday’s matchup?
CWP: Des, the Bears Cover-2 has no answer against Megatron, they have to get more than one sack to slow down the Lions, the Lions had a bye week last week, so Matt Stafford’s ankle has had more time to heal, and former Bears team leader Chris Harris plays his first game as a Lion, against his old team. That said, the Bears will still win 33-17.
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: Kurt Vonnegut once said, “Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before.” That said, Jay Cutler has done a nice job learning Mike Martz’s offense.
Des: Wonder Woman. How do you want to finish this off?
WW: Des, if the Colts are looking for a new quarterback, I was created to be as "beautiful as Aphrodite, wise as Athena, swifter than Hermes, and stronger than Hercules.” At least that’s according to Amazonian legend, and who are you to argue with that?
Des: I… I don’t know. Let’s a check of the reading grade level equivalent of this post: 7.3. Damn! That’s too high. Let’s try this to dumb it down a little: Burp! Fart! Take away his man-card! Okay, let’s hit each other with 2 X 4s. (Several minutes of beatings later…) Now let’s do a reading level check…Yes! Down to 6.5! End transmission.
Friday, November 11, 2011
Bears vs. Eagles: 11-7-11
BEARS VS. EAGLES: 11-7-11
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football post-game show. The Bears defeated the Philadelphia Eagles at the so-called City of Brotherly Love, showing flashes of brilliance on the national stage and winning three consecutive games. Will the Bears continue to use pocket protection, a mighty pass defense, and the fleet feet of Forte to dominate their remaining foes and avenge last year’s NFC championship debacle? Or will they revert back to the no-protection offense and an easily-tired defense?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Savoir Faire” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and the embodiment of Des’s America, Wonder Woman.
SR: ARRH, mateys! Time now for Captain Redbeard’s Chum-bucket of the NFL: The Indianapolis Colts, with their 0-8 record. If I be them, I’d be resortin’ to any dark sorcery atrocity to heal Payton Manning: voodoo, zombie-ism, vampirism, stealing the life force of entire cities, embryonic stem cell research, the NFL waiver wire…
Des: Uh, thanks, Captain. Concord Peabody. What statistical anomalies would you like to share with us?
CWP: Des, on paper, the Philadelphia Eagles should have had every advantage against the Bears: Michael Vick’s quarterbacking, plus receiver Jeremy Macklin’s adhesive hands, but they neglected one very important unseen hand: The invisible hand of Bears destiny. Is it a coincidence that the Detroit Lions have started losing games at the same time that the Bears have reemerged in the NFC North? I don’t know if the invisible hand is strong enough to wave off the stench of those Cheesehead hats, though.
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: Eugene V. Debs once said, “Chicago is the product of modern capitalism, and, like other great commercial centers, is unfit for human habitation.” That said, the revamped Soldier Field is very nice.
Des: Moving on, because… well, why not? Wonder Woman. How do you want to finish this off?
WW: Superman, my hubby in an alternate universe, always defeats Lex Luthor, even though Lex is much smarter. Think about it, liberals! And yes, I use the phrase “think about it” ironically. By the way, genius = evil.
Des: …which is why I’ve dumbed down this website. The reading grade level equivalent of this post: 7.6. Check it out for yourself.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football post-game show. The Bears defeated the Philadelphia Eagles at the so-called City of Brotherly Love, showing flashes of brilliance on the national stage and winning three consecutive games. Will the Bears continue to use pocket protection, a mighty pass defense, and the fleet feet of Forte to dominate their remaining foes and avenge last year’s NFC championship debacle? Or will they revert back to the no-protection offense and an easily-tired defense?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Savoir Faire” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and the embodiment of Des’s America, Wonder Woman.
SR: ARRH, mateys! Time now for Captain Redbeard’s Chum-bucket of the NFL: The Indianapolis Colts, with their 0-8 record. If I be them, I’d be resortin’ to any dark sorcery atrocity to heal Payton Manning: voodoo, zombie-ism, vampirism, stealing the life force of entire cities, embryonic stem cell research, the NFL waiver wire…
Des: Uh, thanks, Captain. Concord Peabody. What statistical anomalies would you like to share with us?
CWP: Des, on paper, the Philadelphia Eagles should have had every advantage against the Bears: Michael Vick’s quarterbacking, plus receiver Jeremy Macklin’s adhesive hands, but they neglected one very important unseen hand: The invisible hand of Bears destiny. Is it a coincidence that the Detroit Lions have started losing games at the same time that the Bears have reemerged in the NFC North? I don’t know if the invisible hand is strong enough to wave off the stench of those Cheesehead hats, though.
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: Eugene V. Debs once said, “Chicago is the product of modern capitalism, and, like other great commercial centers, is unfit for human habitation.” That said, the revamped Soldier Field is very nice.
Des: Moving on, because… well, why not? Wonder Woman. How do you want to finish this off?
WW: Superman, my hubby in an alternate universe, always defeats Lex Luthor, even though Lex is much smarter. Think about it, liberals! And yes, I use the phrase “think about it” ironically. By the way, genius = evil.
Des: …which is why I’ve dumbed down this website. The reading grade level equivalent of this post: 7.6. Check it out for yourself.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Bears vs. Jaguars: 12-7-08
BEARS VS. JAGUARS: 12-7-08
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show, sponsored by Fox’s new hit movie Quantum of Solace. The Bears face off against the Jaguars after losing to the Vikings. Will Chicago defeat the Jags with a combination of suave hipness and fancy gadgetry? Or will Jacksonville emerge victorious with a nefarious plot hatched from their undersea headquarters?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Holly Good-head” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a Yuletide perspective, Ebenezer Scrooge.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! After a long day of avoiding the U.S. 5th fleet off the coast of Somalia, nothing goes down better than rum mixed with a dash of Shasta cola… shaken, not stirred. I burned meself with a laminator while creating me own official license to kill: This be an omen from Father Neptune himself! His upset pick this week: the Cincinnati Bengals will defeat the Indianapolis Colts.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?
CP: Well, the Bears are 13-3 against teams in cities where the mosquito-to-human ratio exceeds 10,000,000:1. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: In the grand scheme of things laid out by Shuma-Gorath, football be naught but the tiniest thread in the tapestry of existence. Still, I foresee the Bears winning 31-24.
Des: Ebenezer Scrooge. Lay down some angry 19th century wisdom.
Scrooge: Are there no prisons?!? Are there no workhouses?!?
Des: Okay, then. Prissy Minion. What now?
PM: Oh, Des. Your sports insights exceeds that of all other broadcasters combined.
Des: Including the bad ones?
PM: Is there any other kind?
Des: Sit back and watch with your Neckbeard napkin as the Bears face off in a battle that will inspire you to compile a list of all the Bears quarterbacks who have worn the numbers 8 and 18 since 1990.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show, sponsored by Fox’s new hit movie Quantum of Solace. The Bears face off against the Jaguars after losing to the Vikings. Will Chicago defeat the Jags with a combination of suave hipness and fancy gadgetry? Or will Jacksonville emerge victorious with a nefarious plot hatched from their undersea headquarters?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Holly Good-head” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a Yuletide perspective, Ebenezer Scrooge.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! After a long day of avoiding the U.S. 5th fleet off the coast of Somalia, nothing goes down better than rum mixed with a dash of Shasta cola… shaken, not stirred. I burned meself with a laminator while creating me own official license to kill: This be an omen from Father Neptune himself! His upset pick this week: the Cincinnati Bengals will defeat the Indianapolis Colts.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?
CP: Well, the Bears are 13-3 against teams in cities where the mosquito-to-human ratio exceeds 10,000,000:1. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: In the grand scheme of things laid out by Shuma-Gorath, football be naught but the tiniest thread in the tapestry of existence. Still, I foresee the Bears winning 31-24.
Des: Ebenezer Scrooge. Lay down some angry 19th century wisdom.
Scrooge: Are there no prisons?!? Are there no workhouses?!?
Des: Okay, then. Prissy Minion. What now?
PM: Oh, Des. Your sports insights exceeds that of all other broadcasters combined.
Des: Including the bad ones?
PM: Is there any other kind?
Des: Sit back and watch with your Neckbeard napkin as the Bears face off in a battle that will inspire you to compile a list of all the Bears quarterbacks who have worn the numbers 8 and 18 since 1990.
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