BEARS VS. RAIDERS: 11-27-11
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the piratanical Oakland Raiders after losing quarterback Jay Cutler to injury. Will Caleb Hanie quickly master the intricacies of Mike Martz’s offense? Or will the Bears be forced to hire Brett Favre, Kurt Warner, or - - shudder - - Rex Grossman?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Pumpkin” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and the Amazonian ambassador to the world of men, Wonder Woman.
SR: ARRH, mateys! What be the Bears only true path to deliverance from the Sargasso Sea they find themselves in? Bring back Neckbeard! He be the only NFL quarterback with the facial hear needed to strike fear and terror in the hearts of the Oakland Raiders, who be no strangers to inflicting fear themselves, even at the risk of losing multiple games due to their endless stream of penalties.
Des: An interesting, if incoherent, perspective, as always, Captain. Concord Peabody. What statistical insights do you have?
CWP: Des, the Raiders traded the farm for Carson Palmer in hopes of getting to the playoffs, while the Bears are rolling with Caleb Hanie’s first NFL start. Meanwhile, the Raiders have kept up their running prowess even with Darren McFadden out, while Matt Forte has averaged just 3.18 yards per carry the past two weeks. That said, the Bears will still win 68-1.
Des: Concord, I don’t think it’s possible for a team to score only 1 point.
CWP: Tell that to the Bears defense!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: Stephen Fry once said, “Christmas to a child is the first terrible proof that to travel hopefully is better than to arrive.” The same could be said for your Chicago Cubs baseball season.
Des: A bit of a holiday bringdown there, Modre.
Modre: Despair is what I do best.
Des: Wonder Woman. What’s your take on things?
WW: Des, am I really “the ambassador to the world of men”, or just to comic book nerds such as yourself?
PM: Des, even if you are a comic book nerd, you would be the king of comic book nerds, the living embodiment, the symbol, or avatar, if you will. Nerdliness made flesh, a God-emperor of comic book fandom.
Des: Thanks for coming to my defense, Prissy Minion… I guess. Uh… sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a match brought to you by the Mitt Romney for President Campaign. Mitt Romney… it’s his turn! Although, really, it should be Jeb Bush’s turn.
Showing posts with label Mike Martz. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Mike Martz. Show all posts
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Bears vs. Lions: 11-13-2011
BEARS VS. LIONS: 11-7-11
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions in a late afternoon game that won’t be broadcast nationally to make way for the allegedly awesome 49ers/Giants match-up. Will the Bears take advantage of this temporary obscurity to finish off a Detroit Lions team whose bandwagon wheels may be coming off, much to my shameful delight of seeing a Cinderella story burst into flames? Or will “Megatron” run roughshod over the Bears defense, setting up an improbable run to the Super-bowl, reviving confidence in the American auto industry, and ensuring Obama wins a second term?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Klondike Kat” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and the embodiment of Des’s America, Wonder Woman.
PM: Oh, Des. That was a very enjoyable pun. “Cinder”-ella story? Bursting into flames? Pure genius!
SR: ARRH, mateys! If ye be done polishin’ Des’s ego so that its bright glare is causing planes to crash throughout the New England region, ‘tis time now for Captain Redbeard’s Chum-bucket of the NFL: The Indianapolis Colts, with their 0-9 record. I await to see if the Colts heeded my call to perform unholy acts to heal Payton Manning and return him to active duty. If not, the Jaguars will win 38-0.
Des: Uh, thanks, Captain. Concord Peabody. Who will win Sunday’s matchup?
CWP: Des, the Bears Cover-2 has no answer against Megatron, they have to get more than one sack to slow down the Lions, the Lions had a bye week last week, so Matt Stafford’s ankle has had more time to heal, and former Bears team leader Chris Harris plays his first game as a Lion, against his old team. That said, the Bears will still win 33-17.
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: Kurt Vonnegut once said, “Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before.” That said, Jay Cutler has done a nice job learning Mike Martz’s offense.
Des: Wonder Woman. How do you want to finish this off?
WW: Des, if the Colts are looking for a new quarterback, I was created to be as "beautiful as Aphrodite, wise as Athena, swifter than Hermes, and stronger than Hercules.” At least that’s according to Amazonian legend, and who are you to argue with that?
Des: I… I don’t know. Let’s a check of the reading grade level equivalent of this post: 7.3. Damn! That’s too high. Let’s try this to dumb it down a little: Burp! Fart! Take away his man-card! Okay, let’s hit each other with 2 X 4s. (Several minutes of beatings later…) Now let’s do a reading level check…Yes! Down to 6.5! End transmission.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions in a late afternoon game that won’t be broadcast nationally to make way for the allegedly awesome 49ers/Giants match-up. Will the Bears take advantage of this temporary obscurity to finish off a Detroit Lions team whose bandwagon wheels may be coming off, much to my shameful delight of seeing a Cinderella story burst into flames? Or will “Megatron” run roughshod over the Bears defense, setting up an improbable run to the Super-bowl, reviving confidence in the American auto industry, and ensuring Obama wins a second term?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Klondike Kat” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and the embodiment of Des’s America, Wonder Woman.
PM: Oh, Des. That was a very enjoyable pun. “Cinder”-ella story? Bursting into flames? Pure genius!
SR: ARRH, mateys! If ye be done polishin’ Des’s ego so that its bright glare is causing planes to crash throughout the New England region, ‘tis time now for Captain Redbeard’s Chum-bucket of the NFL: The Indianapolis Colts, with their 0-9 record. I await to see if the Colts heeded my call to perform unholy acts to heal Payton Manning and return him to active duty. If not, the Jaguars will win 38-0.
Des: Uh, thanks, Captain. Concord Peabody. Who will win Sunday’s matchup?
CWP: Des, the Bears Cover-2 has no answer against Megatron, they have to get more than one sack to slow down the Lions, the Lions had a bye week last week, so Matt Stafford’s ankle has had more time to heal, and former Bears team leader Chris Harris plays his first game as a Lion, against his old team. That said, the Bears will still win 33-17.
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: Kurt Vonnegut once said, “Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before.” That said, Jay Cutler has done a nice job learning Mike Martz’s offense.
Des: Wonder Woman. How do you want to finish this off?
WW: Des, if the Colts are looking for a new quarterback, I was created to be as "beautiful as Aphrodite, wise as Athena, swifter than Hermes, and stronger than Hercules.” At least that’s according to Amazonian legend, and who are you to argue with that?
Des: I… I don’t know. Let’s a check of the reading grade level equivalent of this post: 7.3. Damn! That’s too high. Let’s try this to dumb it down a little: Burp! Fart! Take away his man-card! Okay, let’s hit each other with 2 X 4s. (Several minutes of beatings later…) Now let’s do a reading level check…Yes! Down to 6.5! End transmission.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Bears vs. Redskins: 10-24-10
BEARS VS. REDSKINS: 10-24-10
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The NFL’s worst defense travels to battle one of the league’s worst offenses. Will Jay Cutler be able to absorb and somehow execute the complex intricacies of Mike Martz’ offensive schemes? Or should the Bears just accept their fate, like the Democrats seem prepared to do come November? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Morpheus” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! The Bears will emerge victorious this fine Sunday afternoon due to my thousand-year curse I’ve placed upon the Redskins until they get rid of their horribly, horribly racist name.
Des: Wow, that’s unusually sensitive of you, Captain.
SR: Well, Des, I did a lot of really, really bad things in the 1600s. I’m hoping this will completely atone for those actions.
Des: Speaking of atoning for past mistakes, Captain, last week, you were wrong again by choosing the 49ers to go winless this season. What’s happ’nin, Cap’n?
SR: Arrh, Des, that be your most awkward transition ever! I refuse to dignify that with a response, except to say ARRRRHHHHHHH!!!!!!…. mateys!
Des: Isn’t that always your standard response, Captain? ARRRHHH? Drunky McDumb-Ass. What’s your prediction for today’s game?
DMD: Yet another trip to the hospital for me and my friends when I convert my 1985 Ford LTD into a rolling snack bar for my fellow tailgaters but forget to fully convert my gas tank into a keg of beer.
Des: Modre. How will the Bears do against the Redskins?
Modre: Do not try and bend the spoon. That's impossible. Instead... only try to realize the truth.
Des: What truth?
Modre: There is no spoon.
Des: What’s this, then? (Holds up a spoon).
Modre: That is a Spork.
Des: Concord Peabody. Any irrelevant stats you want to share?
CWP: Des, the Bears are 57-43 lifetime when they use go with the run and 3-1 when they use the pass.
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your football posts are like a broken digital wristwatch… not very informative, but it leaves a nice tan line on the surface of your mind!
Des: Uh, sit back and watch with your 3DBB as the Bears face off in a rivalry as ancient as that of Tennessee Tuxedo versus Stanley Livingston in a stadium as well-designed and escape-proof as Megapolis Zoo.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The NFL’s worst defense travels to battle one of the league’s worst offenses. Will Jay Cutler be able to absorb and somehow execute the complex intricacies of Mike Martz’ offensive schemes? Or should the Bears just accept their fate, like the Democrats seem prepared to do come November? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Morpheus” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! The Bears will emerge victorious this fine Sunday afternoon due to my thousand-year curse I’ve placed upon the Redskins until they get rid of their horribly, horribly racist name.
Des: Wow, that’s unusually sensitive of you, Captain.
SR: Well, Des, I did a lot of really, really bad things in the 1600s. I’m hoping this will completely atone for those actions.
Des: Speaking of atoning for past mistakes, Captain, last week, you were wrong again by choosing the 49ers to go winless this season. What’s happ’nin, Cap’n?
SR: Arrh, Des, that be your most awkward transition ever! I refuse to dignify that with a response, except to say ARRRRHHHHHHH!!!!!!…. mateys!
Des: Isn’t that always your standard response, Captain? ARRRHHH? Drunky McDumb-Ass. What’s your prediction for today’s game?
DMD: Yet another trip to the hospital for me and my friends when I convert my 1985 Ford LTD into a rolling snack bar for my fellow tailgaters but forget to fully convert my gas tank into a keg of beer.
Des: Modre. How will the Bears do against the Redskins?
Modre: Do not try and bend the spoon. That's impossible. Instead... only try to realize the truth.
Des: What truth?
Modre: There is no spoon.
Des: What’s this, then? (Holds up a spoon).
Modre: That is a Spork.
Des: Concord Peabody. Any irrelevant stats you want to share?
CWP: Des, the Bears are 57-43 lifetime when they use go with the run and 3-1 when they use the pass.
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your football posts are like a broken digital wristwatch… not very informative, but it leaves a nice tan line on the surface of your mind!
Des: Uh, sit back and watch with your 3DBB as the Bears face off in a rivalry as ancient as that of Tennessee Tuxedo versus Stanley Livingston in a stadium as well-designed and escape-proof as Megapolis Zoo.
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