BEARS VS. PACKERS: 12-25-2011
Des: Welcome to a very special Christmas edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. In the spirit of peace and love, the Bears face off in a match against their hated arch-rivals the Green Bay Packers that no doubt will result in at least one injury. Will Neckbeard's stunning victory over the Packers last week show the Bears' newest nameless quarterback the way? Or will tonight's game produce a Christmas anti-miracle, like the kind you often see on the very special Christmas Doctor Who?
Des: To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles "Scrooge-a-pa-loser" Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and Amazonian crime fighter Wonder Woman
Redbeard: ARRRRRRRRRHHHHHHH, mateys! Well, Des, the Bears thus far have fallen to God's chosen quarterback Tim Tebow (which logically makes Kyle Orton a God-forsaken quarterback-- but his magical Lucifer powers should kick in any minute now) and also the Seahawks. What must they do to achieve victory this dark and lonely Christmas night? It be too late for them to beseech Santa Claus for a clone of Aaron Rogers but perhaps they could fashion a snowman and place the helmet of Sid Luckman upon his brow. Be there an NFL penalty for illegal removal of a magic helmet? Come to think of it, Aaron Rogers' wooden personality suggests that he may be a treant animated by dark sorcery.
Des: Thank you, Captain. Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?
Concord: Well, Des, every single player on the Bears is either injured or stricken with leprosy, while the Packers were hatched from some dystopian super-soldier football murder factory. That said, the Bears will still win 96-10.
Des: Okay, Concord... I assume you and the Captain are both suffering from some sort of Christmas related trauma. What about you, Modre? Have you come to terms with Christmas yet?
Concord: It is best not to understand Christmas, just accept it... while undermining it from within!
Des: Well, Prissy Minion, should you also be undergoing some sort of holiday therapy?
Prissy: Des, every day with you is a holiday.
Des: Yeesh. Uh, Wonder Woman, what's your closing thought?
WW: Oh, sorry, Des, I was too busy single-handedly saving Christmas from a whole host of super-villains to worry about your piddly little football blog. Uh, go Falcons.
Des: Actually, Wonder Woman, the Bears need to win the next two games and have the Falcons lose two games to even have a prayer of entering the playoffs.
WW: Yeah, whatever. Listen, Des, could you be a dear and order me up some Invisi-metal? The Snow and Heat Misers did a number on my aircraft.
Des: Uh, sure. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a match that may hold your attention until the Christmas Doctor Who episode comes on at 9 eastern, 8 central.
Showing posts with label Kyle Orton. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Kyle Orton. Show all posts
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Bears vs. Chiefs: 12-4-11
BEARS VS. CHIEFS: 12-4-11
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Kansas City Chiefs after a difficult loss to the Oakland Raiders. Will the Bears regain their momentum against a team in which Kyle Orton is debuting as their quarterback? Or will Orton take apart the Bears defense like a 2 year old child takes apart a cheap alarm clock?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Pantaphobia” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and DC Comics’ eye candy, Wonder Woman.
SR: ARRH, mateys! Who would believe that me drunken ramblings have manifested themselves into hideous, if distorted, reality? First, I predicted the confrontation between Jim Harbaugh and the Detroit Lions. Then, last week, I demanded that the Bears bring back Neckbeard to replace the wounded Jay Cutler. Well, Kyle Orton be returning to the Bears… as their opposing quarterback! What similar suggestions be I inflicting upon the Bears’ future opponents? The Broncos should hire Rashaan Salaam, the Seahawks should give a contract to Curtis Enis, and the Vikings should pick up Cade McNown. And the Packers should bring back Jim McMahon and Kevin Butler.
Des: Hopefully those teams will adopt your suggestions, Captain. Concord Peabody. What statistical insights do you have?
CWP: Des, the Chiefs have a less offensive nickname than the Redskins, the Bears offense is really struggling without Jay Cutler…or Kyle Orton, the punt return team has been hemmed in lately, which means that the field is really, really long for Caleb Hanie. That said, the Bears will still win 77-15.
Des: What statistical formula do you use to predict your scores, Concord?
CWP: The only formula I need is the element of surprise.
Des: Is that some weird, messed-up version of a Chuck Norris joke? Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: Christmas is alleged to be a time of joy for your Western holiday season, but the true test of goodwill is the extent to which you submit to my stick beatings at what I call a peace temple, but your close-minded Western authorities refer to as a basement kidnapping and torture chamber.
Des: What happened to your random quotes of “wisdom”?
Modre: Your Western Internet service provider is no match for my Chinese super-computer… and I mean that literally, there’s no compatible portal.
Des: Wonder Woman. What’s your take on things?
WW: Des, what will it take for me to have a movie deal as awesome as Captain America, and Spider-Man? Sexy fights with female super-villains like Cheetah and Giganta?
Des: Uh, yeah. Sure. That’s a good start. Uh… sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a match brought to you by the Newt Gingrich for President Campaign. Newt Gingrich… at least he can string a sentence together.. sort of.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Kansas City Chiefs after a difficult loss to the Oakland Raiders. Will the Bears regain their momentum against a team in which Kyle Orton is debuting as their quarterback? Or will Orton take apart the Bears defense like a 2 year old child takes apart a cheap alarm clock?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Pantaphobia” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and DC Comics’ eye candy, Wonder Woman.
SR: ARRH, mateys! Who would believe that me drunken ramblings have manifested themselves into hideous, if distorted, reality? First, I predicted the confrontation between Jim Harbaugh and the Detroit Lions. Then, last week, I demanded that the Bears bring back Neckbeard to replace the wounded Jay Cutler. Well, Kyle Orton be returning to the Bears… as their opposing quarterback! What similar suggestions be I inflicting upon the Bears’ future opponents? The Broncos should hire Rashaan Salaam, the Seahawks should give a contract to Curtis Enis, and the Vikings should pick up Cade McNown. And the Packers should bring back Jim McMahon and Kevin Butler.
Des: Hopefully those teams will adopt your suggestions, Captain. Concord Peabody. What statistical insights do you have?
CWP: Des, the Chiefs have a less offensive nickname than the Redskins, the Bears offense is really struggling without Jay Cutler…or Kyle Orton, the punt return team has been hemmed in lately, which means that the field is really, really long for Caleb Hanie. That said, the Bears will still win 77-15.
Des: What statistical formula do you use to predict your scores, Concord?
CWP: The only formula I need is the element of surprise.
Des: Is that some weird, messed-up version of a Chuck Norris joke? Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: Christmas is alleged to be a time of joy for your Western holiday season, but the true test of goodwill is the extent to which you submit to my stick beatings at what I call a peace temple, but your close-minded Western authorities refer to as a basement kidnapping and torture chamber.
Des: What happened to your random quotes of “wisdom”?
Modre: Your Western Internet service provider is no match for my Chinese super-computer… and I mean that literally, there’s no compatible portal.
Des: Wonder Woman. What’s your take on things?
WW: Des, what will it take for me to have a movie deal as awesome as Captain America, and Spider-Man? Sexy fights with female super-villains like Cheetah and Giganta?
Des: Uh, yeah. Sure. That’s a good start. Uh… sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a match brought to you by the Newt Gingrich for President Campaign. Newt Gingrich… at least he can string a sentence together.. sort of.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Bears vs. Raiders: 11-27-11
BEARS VS. RAIDERS: 11-27-11
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the piratanical Oakland Raiders after losing quarterback Jay Cutler to injury. Will Caleb Hanie quickly master the intricacies of Mike Martz’s offense? Or will the Bears be forced to hire Brett Favre, Kurt Warner, or - - shudder - - Rex Grossman?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Pumpkin” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and the Amazonian ambassador to the world of men, Wonder Woman.
SR: ARRH, mateys! What be the Bears only true path to deliverance from the Sargasso Sea they find themselves in? Bring back Neckbeard! He be the only NFL quarterback with the facial hear needed to strike fear and terror in the hearts of the Oakland Raiders, who be no strangers to inflicting fear themselves, even at the risk of losing multiple games due to their endless stream of penalties.
Des: An interesting, if incoherent, perspective, as always, Captain. Concord Peabody. What statistical insights do you have?
CWP: Des, the Raiders traded the farm for Carson Palmer in hopes of getting to the playoffs, while the Bears are rolling with Caleb Hanie’s first NFL start. Meanwhile, the Raiders have kept up their running prowess even with Darren McFadden out, while Matt Forte has averaged just 3.18 yards per carry the past two weeks. That said, the Bears will still win 68-1.
Des: Concord, I don’t think it’s possible for a team to score only 1 point.
CWP: Tell that to the Bears defense!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: Stephen Fry once said, “Christmas to a child is the first terrible proof that to travel hopefully is better than to arrive.” The same could be said for your Chicago Cubs baseball season.
Des: A bit of a holiday bringdown there, Modre.
Modre: Despair is what I do best.
Des: Wonder Woman. What’s your take on things?
WW: Des, am I really “the ambassador to the world of men”, or just to comic book nerds such as yourself?
PM: Des, even if you are a comic book nerd, you would be the king of comic book nerds, the living embodiment, the symbol, or avatar, if you will. Nerdliness made flesh, a God-emperor of comic book fandom.
Des: Thanks for coming to my defense, Prissy Minion… I guess. Uh… sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a match brought to you by the Mitt Romney for President Campaign. Mitt Romney… it’s his turn! Although, really, it should be Jeb Bush’s turn.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the piratanical Oakland Raiders after losing quarterback Jay Cutler to injury. Will Caleb Hanie quickly master the intricacies of Mike Martz’s offense? Or will the Bears be forced to hire Brett Favre, Kurt Warner, or - - shudder - - Rex Grossman?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Pumpkin” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and the Amazonian ambassador to the world of men, Wonder Woman.
SR: ARRH, mateys! What be the Bears only true path to deliverance from the Sargasso Sea they find themselves in? Bring back Neckbeard! He be the only NFL quarterback with the facial hear needed to strike fear and terror in the hearts of the Oakland Raiders, who be no strangers to inflicting fear themselves, even at the risk of losing multiple games due to their endless stream of penalties.
Des: An interesting, if incoherent, perspective, as always, Captain. Concord Peabody. What statistical insights do you have?
CWP: Des, the Raiders traded the farm for Carson Palmer in hopes of getting to the playoffs, while the Bears are rolling with Caleb Hanie’s first NFL start. Meanwhile, the Raiders have kept up their running prowess even with Darren McFadden out, while Matt Forte has averaged just 3.18 yards per carry the past two weeks. That said, the Bears will still win 68-1.
Des: Concord, I don’t think it’s possible for a team to score only 1 point.
CWP: Tell that to the Bears defense!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: Stephen Fry once said, “Christmas to a child is the first terrible proof that to travel hopefully is better than to arrive.” The same could be said for your Chicago Cubs baseball season.
Des: A bit of a holiday bringdown there, Modre.
Modre: Despair is what I do best.
Des: Wonder Woman. What’s your take on things?
WW: Des, am I really “the ambassador to the world of men”, or just to comic book nerds such as yourself?
PM: Des, even if you are a comic book nerd, you would be the king of comic book nerds, the living embodiment, the symbol, or avatar, if you will. Nerdliness made flesh, a God-emperor of comic book fandom.
Des: Thanks for coming to my defense, Prissy Minion… I guess. Uh… sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a match brought to you by the Mitt Romney for President Campaign. Mitt Romney… it’s his turn! Although, really, it should be Jeb Bush’s turn.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Bears vs. Rams: 11-23-08
BEARS VS. RAMS: 11-23-08
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against St. Louis after a thrashing by Green Bay. Will Chicago emerge stronger physically, mentally, spiritually, and financially from such a thorough defeat? Or will the Bears prove to be a tragic metaphor for America’s economic condition… somehow?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Yukon Cornelius Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! After a long day of seizing Saudi super-tankers filled with precious oil off the coast of Somalia, you’d think there’d be nothing I dread and fear more than the Russian Navy. Ye’d be tragically mistaken! What haunts my dreams is that we be one Neckbeard away from being the Detroit Lions.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?
CP: Well, the Bears are 15-4 against teams in cities that don’t believe in sewage treatment. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: The Bears must defeat the Demons of Denak to emerge victorious. Since they don’t possess the Darkholde to banish the forces of evil, they must resort to better play calling.
Des: Albert Einstein. Stab at the heart of truth for us.
AE: Guten tag, meine Bürger von Chicago. "Great spirits have always found violent opposition from mediocrities. The latter cannot understand it when a man does not thoughtlessly submit to hereditary prejudices but honestly and courageously uses his intelligence." If you think I’m talking about Dennis Miller’s tenure on Monday Night Football, think again, meine Kätzchen.
Des: Prissy Minion. What now?
PM: Oh, Des. When space aliens find this disc on the next Voyager space craft, they’ll know where to turn for sports and cultural information.
Des: Sit back and watch with your collection of random acquaintances as the Bears face off in a classic I-55 rivalry that will redefine sports as something that transcends mere entertainment into something that hits too close to home.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against St. Louis after a thrashing by Green Bay. Will Chicago emerge stronger physically, mentally, spiritually, and financially from such a thorough defeat? Or will the Bears prove to be a tragic metaphor for America’s economic condition… somehow?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Yukon Cornelius Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! After a long day of seizing Saudi super-tankers filled with precious oil off the coast of Somalia, you’d think there’d be nothing I dread and fear more than the Russian Navy. Ye’d be tragically mistaken! What haunts my dreams is that we be one Neckbeard away from being the Detroit Lions.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?
CP: Well, the Bears are 15-4 against teams in cities that don’t believe in sewage treatment. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: The Bears must defeat the Demons of Denak to emerge victorious. Since they don’t possess the Darkholde to banish the forces of evil, they must resort to better play calling.
Des: Albert Einstein. Stab at the heart of truth for us.
AE: Guten tag, meine Bürger von Chicago. "Great spirits have always found violent opposition from mediocrities. The latter cannot understand it when a man does not thoughtlessly submit to hereditary prejudices but honestly and courageously uses his intelligence." If you think I’m talking about Dennis Miller’s tenure on Monday Night Football, think again, meine Kätzchen.
Des: Prissy Minion. What now?
PM: Oh, Des. When space aliens find this disc on the next Voyager space craft, they’ll know where to turn for sports and cultural information.
Des: Sit back and watch with your collection of random acquaintances as the Bears face off in a classic I-55 rivalry that will redefine sports as something that transcends mere entertainment into something that hits too close to home.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Bears vs. Packers: 11-16-08
BEARS VS. PACKERS: 11-16-08
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against Green Bay in the post-Favre era. Will the return of “Neckbeard” galvanize Chicago? Or will the Bears defense allow enough time for Favre’s successor to baste a turkey before throwing a touchdown?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Aladdin Sane Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Me stomach is in violent revolt after a hearty breakfast of hardtack soaking in a homemade alcoholic beverage I like to call “Davey Jones’s Locker.” Therefore, me “upset” pick is the Cincinnati Bengals defeating the Philadelphia Eagles.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?
CP: Well, the Bears are 24-7 against teams whose fans have enough cholesterol to plug up the Marianas Trench. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: The Bears are 16-3 whenever the Aztec calendar’s daysign is dedicated to Cuetzpalin. You don’t want to know what happens when Tlacaxipehualitzli is ascendant.
Des: Wasn’t “Cuetzpalin” Sarah Palin’s 12th child? Albert Einstein. Tear apart the tapestry of deception for us.
AE: Guten tag, mein wunderkind. "Too many of us look upon Americans as dollar chasers. This is a cruel libel, even if it is reiterated thoughtlessly by the Americans themselves." This quote was brought to you by Head-On. Head-On: Apply directly to the forehead.
Des: Prissy Minion. What now?
PM: Oh, Des. No one packs in the obscure references like you. You’re a pre-9/11 Dennis Miller.
Des: Sit back and watch with your sack full of Funyons and self-hatred as the Bears face off in a classic rivalry not seen since the days of Wile E. Coyote v. Roadrunner
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against Green Bay in the post-Favre era. Will the return of “Neckbeard” galvanize Chicago? Or will the Bears defense allow enough time for Favre’s successor to baste a turkey before throwing a touchdown?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Aladdin Sane Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Me stomach is in violent revolt after a hearty breakfast of hardtack soaking in a homemade alcoholic beverage I like to call “Davey Jones’s Locker.” Therefore, me “upset” pick is the Cincinnati Bengals defeating the Philadelphia Eagles.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?
CP: Well, the Bears are 24-7 against teams whose fans have enough cholesterol to plug up the Marianas Trench. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: The Bears are 16-3 whenever the Aztec calendar’s daysign is dedicated to Cuetzpalin. You don’t want to know what happens when Tlacaxipehualitzli is ascendant.
Des: Wasn’t “Cuetzpalin” Sarah Palin’s 12th child? Albert Einstein. Tear apart the tapestry of deception for us.
AE: Guten tag, mein wunderkind. "Too many of us look upon Americans as dollar chasers. This is a cruel libel, even if it is reiterated thoughtlessly by the Americans themselves." This quote was brought to you by Head-On. Head-On: Apply directly to the forehead.
Des: Prissy Minion. What now?
PM: Oh, Des. No one packs in the obscure references like you. You’re a pre-9/11 Dennis Miller.
Des: Sit back and watch with your sack full of Funyons and self-hatred as the Bears face off in a classic rivalry not seen since the days of Wile E. Coyote v. Roadrunner
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Bears vs. Titans: 11-9-08
BEARS VS. TITANS: 11-9-08
Note: This episode presumed that John McCain would win the election.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. Oedipus Rex barely squeaks out a win against the worst team in the NFL. Will the offense, defense, and special teams somehow pull themselves together just long enough to create a McCain-esque upset? And will this victory also depend upon coaches’ challenges to all 50 States of the Union?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Rainbow Bright Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Like Kyle Orton, me ankle has swollen to five times its normal size. Therefore, I’m predicting that Rex Grossman will score 7 touchdowns and throw 12 interceptions. The final score, laddies: Chicago- 49; Tennessee- 45.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?
CP: Well, the Bears have played in 2 Super Bowls under Republican presidents and 1 national championship during FDR’s presidency. The Cubs also won a world championship during a Roosevelt term—Teddy Roosevelt’s.
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: If genius is pain, then Joe Buck’s life is an endless state of nirvana.
Des: Albert Einstein. Look through the tissue of lies for us.
AE: Guten tag, mein uber-fans. “Technological progress is like an axe in the hands of a pathological criminal." Or a football in the hands of Rex Grossman… which, I guess means that science sometimes scores a touchdown… but then it gets intercepted by the military-industrial complex?? Is that what I’m driving at?
Des: Prissy Minion. What now?
PM: Oh, Des. Mike Singletary’s motivational techniques…
Des: …and that’s all the time we have. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a match that will make you laugh, make you cry, but most important, make you think. Did I say “think”? I meant “drink”. In a good way.
Note: This episode presumed that John McCain would win the election.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. Oedipus Rex barely squeaks out a win against the worst team in the NFL. Will the offense, defense, and special teams somehow pull themselves together just long enough to create a McCain-esque upset? And will this victory also depend upon coaches’ challenges to all 50 States of the Union?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Rainbow Bright Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Like Kyle Orton, me ankle has swollen to five times its normal size. Therefore, I’m predicting that Rex Grossman will score 7 touchdowns and throw 12 interceptions. The final score, laddies: Chicago- 49; Tennessee- 45.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?
CP: Well, the Bears have played in 2 Super Bowls under Republican presidents and 1 national championship during FDR’s presidency. The Cubs also won a world championship during a Roosevelt term—Teddy Roosevelt’s.
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: If genius is pain, then Joe Buck’s life is an endless state of nirvana.
Des: Albert Einstein. Look through the tissue of lies for us.
AE: Guten tag, mein uber-fans. “Technological progress is like an axe in the hands of a pathological criminal." Or a football in the hands of Rex Grossman… which, I guess means that science sometimes scores a touchdown… but then it gets intercepted by the military-industrial complex?? Is that what I’m driving at?
Des: Prissy Minion. What now?
PM: Oh, Des. Mike Singletary’s motivational techniques…
Des: …and that’s all the time we have. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a match that will make you laugh, make you cry, but most important, make you think. Did I say “think”? I meant “drink”. In a good way.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Bears vs. Eagles: 9-28-08
BEARS VS. EAGLES: 9-28-08
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Philadelphia Eagles, a team at the bottom of their division with a 2-1 record, while Chicago ranks 3rd with a 1-2 record. Will the Bears learn to avoid untimely penalties against their opponents? Or will an avalanche of yellow flags bury Chicago’s dreams of an 8-8 season?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Tripod Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and providing a dead scientist's perspective: Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! I be the crimson coated demon whose football predictions have filled the treasure chests of gamblers with more booty than a Congressional bailout. Attend me words as I select the winners of this week’s contests: The Buccaneers will scupper the Packers, the Raiders will plunder and impress the Chargers, the Vikings will eviscerate the Titans, and the Seahawks will… have a bye week. Here’s Red-beard’s “Must Avoid at All Costs like a Treacherous Iceberg or an Ancient Mariner’s Curse Game of the Week”: Cleveland versus Cincinnati. Why the NFL continues to waste its time with franchises in Ohio when they could transport these teams to coastal cities whose stadiums are well within the range of me naval bombardments is a question which continues to vex me.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?
CP: Well, the Bears are 9-1 when Kyle Orton drinks a pitcher of White Russians before the game, whether he’s on or off the bench. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: There’s a choice we’re making, we’re saving our own lives. It’s true, we make a better day, just you and me.
Des: We are the world, we are the children. Albert Einstein. Your impressions.
AE: Guten tag, mein Klein sportfreunds. “Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
Des: Prissy Minion. Wrap this up!
PM: The only thing I want wrapped in a bow is you.
Des: (Note to self: Don’t let your expression betray the horror inside.) Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple for the ultimate prize: mastery of the nine realms… or a local car dealer endorsement.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Philadelphia Eagles, a team at the bottom of their division with a 2-1 record, while Chicago ranks 3rd with a 1-2 record. Will the Bears learn to avoid untimely penalties against their opponents? Or will an avalanche of yellow flags bury Chicago’s dreams of an 8-8 season?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Tripod Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and providing a dead scientist's perspective: Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! I be the crimson coated demon whose football predictions have filled the treasure chests of gamblers with more booty than a Congressional bailout. Attend me words as I select the winners of this week’s contests: The Buccaneers will scupper the Packers, the Raiders will plunder and impress the Chargers, the Vikings will eviscerate the Titans, and the Seahawks will… have a bye week. Here’s Red-beard’s “Must Avoid at All Costs like a Treacherous Iceberg or an Ancient Mariner’s Curse Game of the Week”: Cleveland versus Cincinnati. Why the NFL continues to waste its time with franchises in Ohio when they could transport these teams to coastal cities whose stadiums are well within the range of me naval bombardments is a question which continues to vex me.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?
CP: Well, the Bears are 9-1 when Kyle Orton drinks a pitcher of White Russians before the game, whether he’s on or off the bench. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: There’s a choice we’re making, we’re saving our own lives. It’s true, we make a better day, just you and me.
Des: We are the world, we are the children. Albert Einstein. Your impressions.
AE: Guten tag, mein Klein sportfreunds. “Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
Des: Prissy Minion. Wrap this up!
PM: The only thing I want wrapped in a bow is you.
Des: (Note to self: Don’t let your expression betray the horror inside.) Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple for the ultimate prize: mastery of the nine realms… or a local car dealer endorsement.
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