Bears vs. Packers: 11-16-08

BEARS VS. PACKERS: 11-16-08

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against Green Bay in the post-Favre era. Will the return of “Neckbeard” galvanize Chicago? Or will the Bears defense allow enough time for Favre’s successor to baste a turkey before throwing a touchdown?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Aladdin Sane Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Me stomach is in violent revolt after a hearty breakfast of hardtack soaking in a homemade alcoholic beverage I like to call “Davey Jones’s Locker.” Therefore, me “upset” pick is the Cincinnati Bengals defeating the Philadelphia Eagles.

Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?

CP: Well, the Bears are 24-7 against teams whose fans have enough cholesterol to plug up the Marianas Trench. Go Bears!

Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?

Modre: The Bears are 16-3 whenever the Aztec calendar’s daysign is dedicated to Cuetzpalin. You don’t want to know what happens when Tlacaxipehualitzli is ascendant.

Des: Wasn’t “Cuetzpalin” Sarah Palin’s 12th child? Albert Einstein. Tear apart the tapestry of deception for us.

AE: Guten tag, mein wunderkind. "Too many of us look upon Americans as dollar chasers. This is a cruel libel, even if it is reiterated thoughtlessly by the Americans themselves." This quote was brought to you by Head-On. Head-On: Apply directly to the forehead.

Des: Prissy Minion. What now?

PM: Oh, Des. No one packs in the obscure references like you. You’re a pre-9/11 Dennis Miller.

Des: Sit back and watch with your sack full of Funyons and self-hatred as the Bears face off in a classic rivalry not seen since the days of Wile E. Coyote v. Roadrunner