BEARS VS. BILLS:
9-7-14
Des: Welcome to another
edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against
the Buffalo Bills in a bombastic battle of Biblical bombastitude fully in
keeping with the Mighty Marvel Madmen’s tradition of aggressively annoying
alliteration. Will Marc Trestman finally weave into place all the pieces of the
Bears tapestry of offense, defense, special teams and other formerly loose
threads into a magnificent puzzle, revealing the Vince Lombardi trophy? Or will
the Bills somehow pull together a convincing enough victory to price the team
beyond the grasping hands of Jon Bon Jovi?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of
experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Coco Crisp” Red-beard,
Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and Sally McChesty.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Thanks to
a court-ordered drug regimen of Risperdal, Zyprexa, Haldol, and too many other
anti-psychotic medications too numerous to count, let alone name, me ability to
predict the future of the Bears this season be significantly blunted. But ne’er
the less, prepare to take heed: The Bears will go 11-5 this year, defeating all
of their AFC foes, which include the Bills, Jets, Dolphins, and Patriots. They
will also soundly destroy the Cowboys, Falcons, and, sadly, the Buccaneers,
plus their divisional foes the Vikings and Lions twice. Unfortunately, the
Bears will fail against the might of the 49ers, Panthers, and Saints, and Aaron
Rogers will manage to beat the Bears despite having career-ending injuries in
both games.
Des: Captain, I noticed that the
Bears barely fell short of your expectations last year. You foresaw a 9-7
season, but the Bears walked away with an 8-8 record.
SR: Aye. This year, I think
Jay Cutler will exceed expectations by playing two consecutive games this
season. That be my “key to victory”. Or is that me “Treasure Map to the Super
Bowl”? I think that be next week’s episode. Stay tuned all of your numerous
electronic devices, ye treacherous land lubbers!
Des: Concord
Peabody . What
are your thoughts?
CWP: Well, the Bills have
developed a murderous no huddle offense, Nigel Bradham is a very fast and
powerful lineman, and E.J. Manuel is an acceptable quarterback. On the other
hand, the Bills’ coach said that rookie offensive tackle Cyrus Kouandjio blocks
like Venus De Milo, so I think we’re okay. Bears win 34- 9.
Des: Modre. I have no idea
what you will say next.
Modre: I have just completed
reading the Wikipedia entry on Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time, which alleges that the publisher warned
Hawking that “for every equation in the book, the readership would be halved.”
Behold the revised equation of comedy: tragedy + time = comedy, but tragedy +
time X awareness of the comedy equation = ½ comedy. Presumably this is an
infinite regression.
Des: Speaking of infinite
regression, here’s Sally McChesty presenting the handful of celebrities who are
still waiting their turn to participate in the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge. Sally,
who’s left as a… heh, heh… washed-up celebrity?
SMC: Way to belittle a bunch
of people who are just trying to help, Des. Now it’s my turn to jump in! We
have Dennis Miller, Adrien Brody, and
Christian Slater, all about to receive a dunking in well-earned obscurity.
However, a warning to you Hollywood TV producers out there: Do not use your
dark alchemy to turn these losers into dramatic gold a la Breaking Bad or Damages.
Des: Oh, the irony of an
obscure reference maestro reduced to naught but a random throwaway micron of
comedic trivia! Sit back and watch on your weird wrist phone or eye piece or
magic giant ring or false tooth interface as the Bears face off in a game that will
be littered with commercials featuring hallucinogenic properties that exceed
the combined drug-induced ravings of Hunter S. Thompson, William S. Burrows,
and Ken Kesey.
