Bears vs. Ravens: 11-17-2013

BEARS VS. RAVENS: 11-17-13

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Baltimore Ravens after their loss to a resurgent Detroit Lions. Will the Bears get back on track by jumping to the front of the line of teams that have rejuvenated themselves by beating up on last year’s Superbowl “champion”? Or will the call go forth to summon Cade McNown—I mean, Josh McCown—to save the Bears?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Riot Grrl” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Sally McChesty, and special guest tailgater, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! ‘Twill be time once again for me favorite recurring theme on this worthless blog: “Captain Redbeard’s Chum-Bucket of the NFL.” ‘Tis the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, who should be stripped of their team name and the Jolly Roger that adorns their helmets and be forced to wear their former flamboyant sword swallowing sailor mascot until they be truly worthy of the skull and crossbones! What must they do? Like all true pirates, they should take advantage of the weak and vulnerable, i.e. the Atlanta Falcons, whom the Buccaneers face this Sunday... which is why I also pick Tampa Bay to be my “Wracked with Terrible Sea-sickness Stomach Churning Upset of the Week” and why I also choose this match to be “Captain Redbeard’s Game to be Avoided at All Costs.”

Des: Let’s check in with Drunky McDumbAss, who has been partying it up in the parking lot of Soldier Field non-stop since last Sunday’s game against Detroit.

DMD: That’s right, Des. The renovated spaceship-esque structure of formerly historic Soldier Field has been the ideal venue for me to play an endless game of cat-and-mouse with the Chicago Police. Like a drunken Phantom of the Opera, I only emerge to scare tourists who are just trying to visit the Field Museum, Shedd Aquarium, or Adler Planetarium.

Des: Modre, what are your thoughts?

Modre: Are you familiar with Lord Acton’s famous quote about power? The entire quote is, “Power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Great men are almost always bad men.” There’s no punch line here, Des, I just wanted to expand your tiny little egg shell mind until it snaps like a rubber band.

Des: That’s Modre for you, always mixing metaphors until they become indigestible goo. Concord Peabody. Give us some statistical mumbo-jumbo.

CWP: Well, Des, every good Bears defender is injured, they had a terrible running game last week, and the Ravens still have a pretty good defense. That said, the Bears still win 49-24.

Des: Doctor McChesty. Do you have any thoughts on the Richie Incognito controversy?

SMC: Oh. I thought that had already been resolved. Jay Glazer found him “not guilty” and that was the end of it.

Des: Prissy Minion. Scare me with your sycophancy.

PM: Des, you are the original Five Finger Death Punch.

Des: That was indeed scary. Doctor McChesty, would you summarize things with one majestic sentence?

SMC: Of course, Desiluski. Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a match that will determine how quickly the Baltimore Ravens fade into the mists of history.

Grade Level Equivalency: 7.8

Bears vs. Rams: 9-23-12

BEARS VS. RAMS: 9-23-12


Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the St. Louis Rams after a difficult loss to the Green Bay Packers. Will Jay Cutler return to his game one performance, when he was the greatest quarterback in Bears history? Or will he continue to be the worst quarterback since the last 60 quarterbacks who have helmed the Bears—including such luminaries as Rex McNownczak, Kordell Tom Willis, and Griese Krieg-mirer?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Astroglide” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and eye candy for radio Sally McChesty.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! After looking at me star charts—or maybe it’s an album sleeve from a Donovan record—uh, anyway—I see naught but yet another storied mutiny for the Bears, this time against their beleaguered quarterback Jay (the “J” stands for “Jeen-yus”) Jay Cutler. Ah, as one who has been through more than his fair share of mutinies himself, I appreciate a good revolt and this one proves to be a mighty uprising of Billy Budd-esque proportions, easily surpassing the oustings of Mike Martz, Ron Turner, and Dick Jauron. This might even approach the exquisite under-the-bus tossing of Dave Wannstedt!

Des: Oh, Captain… Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

CWP: Well, Des, I know a lot of people are down on the Bears right now, but there’s nothing wrong with a five-quarterback offense, and it would give the offensive line something to do. You can’t sack a quarterback if you don’t who he is—or her. It’s the old gender switcheroo. It worked for Bill Veeck.

Des: Modre! What advice do you have for football fans this week?

Modre: Your American football bores me. I prefer the Eastern game of beach kabaddi, a highly physical mix of tag and wrestling, which is nothing at all like your pathetic football. We don’t have military aircraft flying over our games. Yet.

Des: Sally McChesty. Once again, we’ve reassigned you to do a puff piece to humanize the low resolution avatar political interface of corporate America: Mitt Romney. Please tell me it went well this time!

SMC: It started out just fine, but then Governor Romney started raving about how, in order to win the election, he has to depend on a bunch of lazy, beer-swilling football zombies who clap like a room full of crack addict monkeys every time the Blue Angels fly over while Taylor Swift is singing “God Bless the USA”, but it all doesn’t matter because we’ve secretly replaced the Electoral College with Folger’s Crystals.

Des: Oh, my freaking God. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that may answer the question, “Who is the new head coach for the Chicago Bears?”

Bears vs. Chiefs: 12-4-11

BEARS VS. CHIEFS: 12-4-11

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Kansas City Chiefs after a difficult loss to the Oakland Raiders. Will the Bears regain their momentum against a team in which Kyle Orton is debuting as their quarterback? Or will Orton take apart the Bears defense like a 2 year old child takes apart a cheap alarm clock?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Pantaphobia” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and DC Comics’ eye candy, Wonder Woman.

SR: ARRH, mateys! Who would believe that me drunken ramblings have manifested themselves into hideous, if distorted, reality? First, I predicted the confrontation between Jim Harbaugh and the Detroit Lions. Then, last week, I demanded that the Bears bring back Neckbeard to replace the wounded Jay Cutler. Well, Kyle Orton be returning to the Bears… as their opposing quarterback! What similar suggestions be I inflicting upon the Bears’ future opponents? The Broncos should hire Rashaan Salaam, the Seahawks should give a contract to Curtis Enis, and the Vikings should pick up Cade McNown. And the Packers should bring back Jim McMahon and Kevin Butler.

Des: Hopefully those teams will adopt your suggestions, Captain. Concord Peabody. What statistical insights do you have?

CWP: Des, the Chiefs have a less offensive nickname than the Redskins, the Bears offense is really struggling without Jay Cutler…or Kyle Orton, the punt return team has been hemmed in lately, which means that the field is really, really long for Caleb Hanie. That said, the Bears will still win 77-15.

Des: What statistical formula do you use to predict your scores, Concord?

CWP: The only formula I need is the element of surprise.

Des: Is that some weird, messed-up version of a Chuck Norris joke? Modre. What are your thoughts?

Modre: Christmas is alleged to be a time of joy for your Western holiday season, but the true test of goodwill is the extent to which you submit to my stick beatings at what I call a peace temple, but your close-minded Western authorities refer to as a basement kidnapping and torture chamber.

Des: What happened to your random quotes of “wisdom”?

Modre: Your Western Internet service provider is no match for my Chinese super-computer… and I mean that literally, there’s no compatible portal.

Des: Wonder Woman. What’s your take on things?

WW: Des, what will it take for me to have a movie deal as awesome as Captain America, and Spider-Man? Sexy fights with female super-villains like Cheetah and Giganta?

Des: Uh, yeah. Sure. That’s a good start. Uh… sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a match brought to you by the Newt Gingrich for President Campaign. Newt Gingrich… at least he can string a sentence together.. sort of.