Bears vs. Lions: 12-21-2014

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears will bench Jay Cutler in hopes of that Jimmy Clausen can lead the defense to allow less than 30 points…

Sally: Yeah, the Bears benched Jay Cutler in hopes that fans will shut up for 5 minutes so Trestman can get to his car. Another failed game plan, by the way.

Des: Will the Bears do the Packers yet one more favor by somehow getting an upset win over the Lions, or will Clausen do the Bears a favor by having a horrible game, thus forcing the Bears front office to deploy the much-needed pin sweeper on the coaching staff, ushering in the inevitable Jim Harbaugh/Mike Singletary era?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “No Gherkin Around” Redbeard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae McGillicutty, and finally, a man who’s filled with more Christmas spirits than every community college theater adaptation of A Christmas Carol put together, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHH, mateys! If there be one thing Marc Trestman, Jay Cutler, and I have in common, it be that our strategies are much more obvious to our enemies than to our own team/crew. Of course, when your strategy is to set your ship’s gunpowder on fire and ram your ship into the flagship of the British Royal Navy, ‘tis best to keep your crew in the dark about that.

            On a related or parenthetic topic, (or both), the Bears have utilized a succession of emotionless robots to coach the Bears. Perhaps ‘tis time to instead employ a raging psychopath to instill fear and terror into the Bears, and, with any luck, opposing teams. Mayhap a Jim Harbaugh or Mike Singletary be just what the Bears need. Or, alternatively, the Bears could hire a coach whose unnaturally calm demeanor barely masks an unquenchable fury and disdain for all mankind, i.e. Bill Belichick.

Des: Concord, what are your thoughts?

Concord: Des, the Bears are 175-200 when they use their backup quarterback, which sounds bad until you consider that they are 57-312 when they use their first-stringers.

Des: Ellie Mae. Any closing words?

Ellie: Merry Christmas, if by “Merry Christmas”, you mean a Christmas that isn’t a “mash-up” of the most depressing elements of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, and Kenny Rogers songs. I always said Christmas was more of an absence than a presence. Or “presents”, if you’re talking about the McGillicutty household.

Des: And, on that note… Happy Holidays!

Thanks to "friend of the blog" Agent Screamin' for the opening joke. And by "friend of the blog", I mean someone who wished the blog no specific harm.

Bears vs. Chiefs: 12-4-11

BEARS VS. CHIEFS: 12-4-11

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Kansas City Chiefs after a difficult loss to the Oakland Raiders. Will the Bears regain their momentum against a team in which Kyle Orton is debuting as their quarterback? Or will Orton take apart the Bears defense like a 2 year old child takes apart a cheap alarm clock?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Pantaphobia” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and DC Comics’ eye candy, Wonder Woman.

SR: ARRH, mateys! Who would believe that me drunken ramblings have manifested themselves into hideous, if distorted, reality? First, I predicted the confrontation between Jim Harbaugh and the Detroit Lions. Then, last week, I demanded that the Bears bring back Neckbeard to replace the wounded Jay Cutler. Well, Kyle Orton be returning to the Bears… as their opposing quarterback! What similar suggestions be I inflicting upon the Bears’ future opponents? The Broncos should hire Rashaan Salaam, the Seahawks should give a contract to Curtis Enis, and the Vikings should pick up Cade McNown. And the Packers should bring back Jim McMahon and Kevin Butler.

Des: Hopefully those teams will adopt your suggestions, Captain. Concord Peabody. What statistical insights do you have?

CWP: Des, the Chiefs have a less offensive nickname than the Redskins, the Bears offense is really struggling without Jay Cutler…or Kyle Orton, the punt return team has been hemmed in lately, which means that the field is really, really long for Caleb Hanie. That said, the Bears will still win 77-15.

Des: What statistical formula do you use to predict your scores, Concord?

CWP: The only formula I need is the element of surprise.

Des: Is that some weird, messed-up version of a Chuck Norris joke? Modre. What are your thoughts?

Modre: Christmas is alleged to be a time of joy for your Western holiday season, but the true test of goodwill is the extent to which you submit to my stick beatings at what I call a peace temple, but your close-minded Western authorities refer to as a basement kidnapping and torture chamber.

Des: What happened to your random quotes of “wisdom”?

Modre: Your Western Internet service provider is no match for my Chinese super-computer… and I mean that literally, there’s no compatible portal.

Des: Wonder Woman. What’s your take on things?

WW: Des, what will it take for me to have a movie deal as awesome as Captain America, and Spider-Man? Sexy fights with female super-villains like Cheetah and Giganta?

Des: Uh, yeah. Sure. That’s a good start. Uh… sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a match brought to you by the Newt Gingrich for President Campaign. Newt Gingrich… at least he can string a sentence together.. sort of.