Bears vs. Ravens: 11-17-2013

BEARS VS. RAVENS: 11-17-13

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Baltimore Ravens after their loss to a resurgent Detroit Lions. Will the Bears get back on track by jumping to the front of the line of teams that have rejuvenated themselves by beating up on last year’s Superbowl “champion”? Or will the call go forth to summon Cade McNown—I mean, Josh McCown—to save the Bears?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Riot Grrl” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Sally McChesty, and special guest tailgater, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! ‘Twill be time once again for me favorite recurring theme on this worthless blog: “Captain Redbeard’s Chum-Bucket of the NFL.” ‘Tis the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, who should be stripped of their team name and the Jolly Roger that adorns their helmets and be forced to wear their former flamboyant sword swallowing sailor mascot until they be truly worthy of the skull and crossbones! What must they do? Like all true pirates, they should take advantage of the weak and vulnerable, i.e. the Atlanta Falcons, whom the Buccaneers face this Sunday... which is why I also pick Tampa Bay to be my “Wracked with Terrible Sea-sickness Stomach Churning Upset of the Week” and why I also choose this match to be “Captain Redbeard’s Game to be Avoided at All Costs.”

Des: Let’s check in with Drunky McDumbAss, who has been partying it up in the parking lot of Soldier Field non-stop since last Sunday’s game against Detroit.

DMD: That’s right, Des. The renovated spaceship-esque structure of formerly historic Soldier Field has been the ideal venue for me to play an endless game of cat-and-mouse with the Chicago Police. Like a drunken Phantom of the Opera, I only emerge to scare tourists who are just trying to visit the Field Museum, Shedd Aquarium, or Adler Planetarium.

Des: Modre, what are your thoughts?

Modre: Are you familiar with Lord Acton’s famous quote about power? The entire quote is, “Power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Great men are almost always bad men.” There’s no punch line here, Des, I just wanted to expand your tiny little egg shell mind until it snaps like a rubber band.

Des: That’s Modre for you, always mixing metaphors until they become indigestible goo. Concord Peabody. Give us some statistical mumbo-jumbo.

CWP: Well, Des, every good Bears defender is injured, they had a terrible running game last week, and the Ravens still have a pretty good defense. That said, the Bears still win 49-24.

Des: Doctor McChesty. Do you have any thoughts on the Richie Incognito controversy?

SMC: Oh. I thought that had already been resolved. Jay Glazer found him “not guilty” and that was the end of it.

Des: Prissy Minion. Scare me with your sycophancy.

PM: Des, you are the original Five Finger Death Punch.

Des: That was indeed scary. Doctor McChesty, would you summarize things with one majestic sentence?

SMC: Of course, Desiluski. Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a match that will determine how quickly the Baltimore Ravens fade into the mists of history.

Grade Level Equivalency: 7.8

Bears vs. Lions: 11-10-2013

BEARS VS. LIONS: 11-10-13

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions, after their upset of the Green Bay Packers sent shockwaves throughout the NFL. Will the Bears build upon last week’s victory to defeat the Lions and dominate the NFC North? Or will Chicago be forced to settle for a wild card bid with an 8-8 season, defeating only the lowly Rams, Vikings, and, dare I say it, Ravens?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Incognito” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Sally McChesty, and special guest tailgater, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! ‘Tis time once again for me least favorite recurring theme on this worthless blog: “Let’s mock the Captain’s Picks for the Playoffs.” First, to salve me wounded pride, allow me to showcase me accurate predictions, and for that, let’s turn to the AFC. If we were to focus solely on the AFC, I would be truly hailed as the prognosticator’s prognosticator: As foreseen, the Bengals are atop the AFC North with a 6-3 record, the Colts dominate their division with 6 wins and 2 losses, the Broncos are well on their way to fulfilling their destiny as a wild card berth, and the Patriots have exceeded me expectations by leading their division instead of being a mere wild card. But the Chargers have once again failed me, earning naught but 4 wins and 4 losses. And me biggest surprise failure is the Miami Dolphins, which I thought would surely destroy their foes both inside and outside their own locker room with a management style and “seasoning” regimen that most closely mirrors my own.

            Now turn your horrified gaze to the NFC, which truly be me greatest albatross: The Seahawks are performing as expected, destroying their foes to earn a mighty 8-1 record and the Bears are well on their way to earning a wild card spot with an 5-3 record, but the rest of the NFC... oh, the humanity! The Panthers, my pick for the NFC South, at least has a respectable record of 5-3, but there’s the Falcons going 2-6, the Vikings stalled at 2-7, and what the hell happened to the Giants?

            At least I take cold comfort that, despite the Redskins doing better since I placed a curse on them until they change their name, they are still a horrible team. Don’t get confident, Chicago Cubs! Me baseball curses still maintain their full potency!

Des: Let’s check in with Drunky McDumbAss, who is partying it up in the parking lot of Soldier Field.

DMD: Des, even though every beer made in the universe is owned by one corporation that’s owned by the Koch Brothers, each beer still maintains its own distinct flavor. At least until I’m done drinking the first 24 brands. Then it all becomes one big Technicolor blur, much like the last 3 quarters of the Bears game.

Des: Modre, what are your thoughts?

Modre: Don’t ask a question if you’re not ready to hear the answer.

Des: I withdraw my question. Concord Peabody. What do the sacred patterns of numbers reveal?

CWP: What are you...? Uh, what? Well, Des, Cutler’s probably gonna be a lot less mobile after his groin injury, Reggie Bush is looking forward to taking on the Bears defense, and Cutler had has worst game of the year against the Lions. That said, the Bears still win 55-17.

Des: Doctor McChesty. I understand that you would like to give a report on the positive impact that the Detroit Lions have had on the Detroit economy.

SMC: That’s right, Des. Des, in order to pay the salaries of the football executives and players, plus maintenance on the football stadium, Detroit had to close 40 public schools, lay off 1,000 police officers and firefighters, and shutter 20 hospitals. On game day, electricity has to be turned off from 10 surrounding city blocks plus all of the automotive assembly plants, all of Detroit’s grocery and clothing stores need to emptied of their inventory, and every farm, granary, and coal mine in the collar countries must be stripped of their resources to feed, clothe, and power the football stadium, executives, players, and skybox patrons.

Des: Prissy Minion. Frighten me with your flattery.

PM: Des, your cutting wordplay and playfully sadistic wit have redefined blogs into something that would take linguists and cultural pundits alike decades to obsessively gnaw on like the protein rich bone that it is.

Des: That was indeed frightening. Doctor McChesty, would you wrap things up in a neat little bow?

SMC: I’d be happy to, Des. Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a match that will determine dominance of the NFC North Division... somehow.