Bears vs, Packers: 11-12-2017

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Green Bay Packers, in what is still somehow the greatest rivalry in football even though the Packers record against the Bears has been 38-18 from 1990 onward. Will the Bears take advantage of a team weakened by the loss of their blandly charismatic leader? Or will Chicago fans continue to invest their hopes and dreams in a dismal quarterback despite all evidence to the contrary?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Papa John” Red-beard, Modre, the trans-logical guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Drunky McDumbAss, and our washtub-strumming Sage of the South, Ellie Mae McGillicutty.

Redbeard: ARRRH, matyes! I have awakened from me Kraken-esque slumber to announce me “Chum Bucket of the NFL”, the one team that will fail to win a single game this season. Although both the Cleveland Browns and the San Francisco 49ers both deserve this “honor” with their 0-8 records, ‘twill be the 49ers that will ultimately fail to celebrate a single win this year, thanks to the “Kaepernick Curse” which has been placed upon them. These curses are well-nigh impossible to shatter. Just ask the Washington football team, although I think I painted far too broad a stroke with that particular curse, having afflicted the entire NFL East with mediocrity at best, with the exception of the Philadelphia Eagles, whom I foresee playing against the New England Patriots in a Super Bowl that no one will watch after everyone with the tiniest bit of political awareness decides to boycott the NFL, even though sports media will desperately try to drum up interest by casting the Eagles-Patriots matchup as a metaphor of the eventual 2020 contest between Donald Trump and Deval Patrick. I won’t say which team represents which candidate, but I think everybody knows.

Sally: That’s a grim, uh, vision, I guess, of the future of football.

Redbeard: Aye! But, wait! There be more forebodings of even more future evil: Having destroyed football, television, social media, Civil War re-enactments, pizza, and both Star Trek and War (somehow), it be only a matter of time before President-for-life Donald Trump destroys all remaining American institutions: rock music, Coca Cola, the American automotive industry, and apple pie.

Sally: Do you really think Donald Trump will be “President-for-life”?

Redbeard: Well, president for the rest of Drunky McDumbAss’s life.

Drunky: Hey, wait a minute…

Sally: What about NASCAR and country music? Aren’t those American institutions?

Redbeard: Sure, but not in a good way.

Sally: Your Chum Bucket pick came really close to coming to fruition last year with the Browns… they only won one game and were the worst team in the NFL.

Redbeard: Aye, me beauteous maiden, whom I totally will not ask to hold a Microsoft Tablet whilst I view a replay to decree whether Kaepernick’s knee hit the ground before he broke the plane of American awareness of difficult racial issues.

Sally: That’s good, because you’re one hammock misadventure away from being the aquatic Harvey Weinstein. Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears play in a game in which your awareness of the outside world will slowly creep back into the periphery of your consciousness during every prolonged replay review. 

Bears vs. Saints: 12-15-2014

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears play the New Orleans Saints in another game that is inexplicably nationally televised after receiving a savage beating from the Dallas Cowboys on Thursday Night Football! Laughably, this game has playoff implications for one of these 5-8 teams. Will the Bears get to play the role of spoiler, thrusting the Saints in the same death spiral with the 49ers? Or will the Saints earn the “honor” of getting destroyed by a vastly superior wild card team in the playoffs?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Aqua-fresh” Redbeard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae MacGillicutty, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHH, mateys! Santa comes not-early-enough for the Chicago Bears as the cast of this worthless pre-game “show” offer undeserved gifts to our struggling Monsters of the Midway. As for me, the cruelest gift I could give the Bears is that they win the last three games, finishing the season with an 8-8 record, destroying any chances of getting a good player from the draft. It’s a “Gift of the Magi” in the sense that it’s a complete waste of money and effort.

Des: Doctor McChesty, what gift do you have for the Bears?

Sally: The same gift I have for every NFL team, Des. Complete contempt for a violent, pointless sport that has longer pauses for discussing arcane procedural rules than 50 Senate filibusters.

Des: Ellie Mae, what do you plan to put under the Halas Hall tree?

Ellie Mae: While pig nuts are the inside joke that keeps on giving, the best gift I could give the Bears is to move them to the NFC South, where they could win the division with a 6-10 record.

Des: Concord, what do you have for the Bears?

Concord: A statistical analysis indicating that, on paper, the Bears should have won every game this season and won the Super Bowl by 40 points. Oddly, when I coached the Bears as my fantasy football team, they had a 9-4 record. Of course, that was after I traded Mel Tucker for a grilled cheese sandwich.

Des: Modre?

Modre: My gift to the Bears is a colorless, odorless substance that doesn’t leave a trace in the bloodstream of Aaron Rogers.

Des: Drunky McDumbAss. What did you provide as a stocking stuffer?

Drunky: Need you ask, Des? Empty whiskey bottles from every tailgate party this doomed season.

Des: Prissy Minion?

Prissy: Des, if you played an endless loop of every Bears pre-game show since 2002 in the Soldier Field locker room and on the sideline, you would provide a powerful incentive for the offense to score first downs just to stay on the field. Or maybe that wall of sound would burrow into Mel Tucker’s brain, adding that much needed “savant” component to “idiot savant.”

Des:  Prissy, are you only referring to my pre-game show, or every pre-game show from the past 12 years played simultaneously, forming a mélange of redundancy that’s almost like a round of “Row, Row, Row Your Boat” if it were sung by the Borg?

Prissy: Option B.

Sally: Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a game that will fail to turn viewers away from “Year Without a Santa Claus”…. which is on right now! End transmission!

Bears vs. Packers: 12-25-2011

BEARS VS. PACKERS: 12-25-2011

Des: Welcome to a very special Christmas edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. In the spirit of peace and love, the Bears face off in a match against their hated arch-rivals the Green Bay Packers that no doubt will result in at least one injury. Will Neckbeard's stunning victory over the Packers last week show the Bears' newest nameless quarterback the way? Or will tonight's game produce a Christmas anti-miracle, like the kind you often see on the very special Christmas Doctor Who?

Des: To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles "Scrooge-a-pa-loser" Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and Amazonian crime fighter Wonder Woman

Redbeard: ARRRRRRRRRHHHHHHH, mateys! Well, Des, the Bears thus far have fallen to God's chosen quarterback Tim Tebow (which logically makes Kyle Orton a God-forsaken quarterback-- but his magical Lucifer powers should kick in any minute now) and also the Seahawks. What must they do to achieve victory this dark and lonely Christmas night? It be too late for them to beseech Santa Claus for a clone of Aaron Rogers but perhaps they could fashion a snowman and place the helmet of Sid Luckman upon his brow. Be there an NFL penalty for illegal removal of a magic helmet? Come to think of it, Aaron Rogers' wooden personality suggests that he may be a treant animated by dark sorcery.

Des: Thank you, Captain. Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

Concord: Well, Des, every single player on the Bears is either injured or stricken with leprosy, while the Packers were hatched from some dystopian super-soldier football murder factory. That said, the Bears will still win 96-10.

Des: Okay, Concord... I assume you and the Captain are both suffering from some sort of Christmas related trauma. What about you, Modre? Have you come to terms with Christmas yet?

Concord: It is best not to understand Christmas, just accept it... while undermining it from within!

Des: Well, Prissy Minion, should you also be undergoing some sort of holiday therapy?

Prissy: Des, every day with you is a holiday.

Des: Yeesh. Uh, Wonder Woman, what's your closing thought?

WW: Oh, sorry, Des, I was too busy single-handedly saving Christmas from a whole host of super-villains to worry about your piddly little football blog. Uh, go Falcons.

Des: Actually, Wonder Woman, the Bears need to win the next two games and have the Falcons lose two games to even have a prayer of entering the playoffs.

WW: Yeah, whatever. Listen, Des, could you be a dear and order me up some Invisi-metal? The Snow and Heat Misers did a number on my aircraft.

Des: Uh, sure. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a match that may hold your attention until the Christmas Doctor Who episode comes on at 9 eastern, 8 central.