Des: Welcome to another
edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against
the Green Bay Packers, in what is still somehow the greatest rivalry in
football even though the Packers record against the Bears has been 38-18 from
1990 onward. Will the Bears take advantage of a team weakened by the loss of
their blandly charismatic leader? Or will Chicago fans continue to invest their
hopes and dreams in a dismal quarterback despite all evidence to the contrary?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of
experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Papa John” Red-beard,
Modre, the trans-logical guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Drunky
McDumbAss, and our washtub-strumming Sage of the South, Ellie Mae McGillicutty.
Redbeard: ARRRH, matyes! I
have awakened from me Kraken-esque slumber to announce me “Chum Bucket of the
NFL”, the one team that will fail to win a single game this season. Although both
the Cleveland Browns and the San Francisco 49ers both deserve this “honor” with
their 0-8 records, ‘twill be the 49ers that will ultimately fail to celebrate a
single win this year, thanks to the “Kaepernick Curse” which has been placed
upon them. These curses are well-nigh impossible to shatter. Just ask the
Washington football team, although I think I painted far too broad a stroke
with that particular curse, having afflicted the entire NFL East with
mediocrity at best, with the exception of the Philadelphia Eagles, whom I
foresee playing against the New England Patriots in a Super Bowl that no one
will watch after everyone with the tiniest bit of political awareness decides
to boycott the NFL, even though sports media will desperately try to drum up
interest by casting the Eagles-Patriots matchup as a metaphor of the eventual 2020
contest between Donald Trump and Deval Patrick. I won’t say which team
represents which candidate, but I think everybody knows.
Sally: That’s a grim, uh,
vision, I guess, of the future of football.
Redbeard: Aye! But, wait!
There be more forebodings of even more future evil: Having destroyed football,
television, social media, Civil War re-enactments, pizza, and both Star Trek
and War (somehow), it be only a matter of time before President-for-life Donald
Trump destroys all remaining American institutions: rock music, Coca Cola, the
American automotive industry, and apple pie.
Sally: Do you really think
Donald Trump will be “President-for-life”?
Redbeard: Well, president for
the rest of Drunky McDumbAss’s life.
Drunky: Hey, wait a minute…
Sally: What about NASCAR and
country music? Aren’t those American institutions?
Redbeard: Sure, but not in a
good way.
Sally: Your Chum Bucket pick
came really close to coming to fruition last year with the Browns… they only won
one game and were the worst team in the NFL.
Redbeard: Aye, me beauteous maiden,
whom I totally will not ask to hold a Microsoft Tablet whilst I view a replay
to decree whether Kaepernick’s knee hit the ground before he broke the plane of
American awareness of difficult racial issues.
Sally: That’s good, because
you’re one hammock misadventure away from being the aquatic Harvey Weinstein.
Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears play in a game in which your
awareness of the outside world will slowly creep back into the periphery of
your consciousness during every prolonged replay review.
