BEARS VS. PACKERS: 12-16-2012
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against their arch-nemesis the Green Bay Packers after a difficult loss to the Minnesota Vikings. Will the Bears finally find the key to defeating the Green Bay Packers? Or will five interceptions that result in no points be the greatest gift Bears fans can expect to receive? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Dog Star” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and this year’s sexy Mrs. Claus, Sally McChesty,
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Well, Des, like the legendary Brett Favre, I’ve “started” every game on this particular broadcast since 2002. But, also, like good old Number 4, I’m getting old and tired and forcing the comedic ball too many times only to be intercepted repeatedly. Therefore, Bears win 22-21.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s game?
CWP: Well, Des, on paper, everything seems to be against the Bears today: Clay Matthews is expected to return and pound Jay Cutler repeatedly, Lovie Smith is on the hot seat for having several consecutive late season fades, Matt Forte might have negative yardage against the Pack defense, Brian Urlacher’s absence makes the Bears D vulnerable up the middle, and the Bears haven’t beaten the Packers in a meaningful game since the Majikowski era. Still, the Bears should win 45-10.
Des: Sally McChesty, we asked you to pose for our calendar to raise money for the expenses incurred by this pregame spectacular. How’s it coming?
SMC: Des, the pin-up calendar might sell better if it didn’t also contain the hideous visages of Captain Redbeard, Modre, the Prissy Minion, and especially the seven months of unspeakable things done to Drunky McDumbAss while he’s passed out.
Des: Modre. What “transcendently” nonsensical quote do you have for us?
Modre: Your famed crooner Leonard Cohen said it best, “I’ve seen the future, brother: it is murder.”
Des: He also said something to the effect of, “Despite all the tragedies and horrors, there is still a small, silly, irrelevant voice that says: There ain’t no cure for love.”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fnf4yuXg0ek
Showing posts with label Clay Matthews. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Clay Matthews. Show all posts
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Bears vs. Packers: 9-27-10
BEARS VS. PACKERS: 9-27-10
Des: Welcome to the first edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Green Bay Packers in a game that will determine mastery of the NFC North. Will Clay Matthews continue to lead the league in sacks after this Monday Night Midwestern Matchup against the Monsters of the Midway? Or will the Bears’ offensive line prove to be as impenetrable as the logic expressed in a typical sports talk radio show? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Over the Side without a Splash” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Whilst I would thoroughly “enjoy” answering your long-winded question whose sentence structure be more twisted than the treasure map of Davey Jones himself, I have me own convoluted agenda to pursue. And that be: Redbeard’s Treasure Map to the Super-Bowl! After ingesting the lead-based paint on me decrepit vessel and gazing into the angry storm clouds I failed to avoid, these be my picks: In the AFC, I pick the Jets, Ravens, Texans, and Broncos to win their divisions. The NFC will see the Eagles, Bears, Falcons, and 49ers. And for the wild cards, I select the Bills and Browns in the AFC and the Lions and Rams in the NFC. Why the hell not?
Des: Because all four teams suck?
SR: Aye. That they do. But I think they are successfully rebuilding… which you don’t want to be doing right after your ship has just hit an iceberg. Anyway, I foresee the Jets defeating the Eagles in the Superbowl.
Des: Uh, thanks, Captain. Barely coherent commentary, as always. Drunky McDumb-Ass. What do you foresee happening Monday Night?
DMD: Des, I foresee myself getting fired Tuesday morning when I show up for work Tuesday afternoon.
Des: Modre. How will the Bears do against Green Bay?
Modre: Perhaps we are asking the wrong questions.
Des: Yeeeeaaah…. Concord Peabody. What’s the Bears’ key to victory?
CWP: Des, the Bears are 72-43 lifetime against teams whose fans wear crappy tri-cornered hats, whether it’s the Packers or the Patriots.
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your metaphors are more mixed up than a cat in a blender.
Des: Sit back and watch with your poorly self-installed satellite dish as the Bears face off in a rivalry as ancient as that of Coke versus Pepsi… and as equally pointless.
Des: Welcome to the first edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Green Bay Packers in a game that will determine mastery of the NFC North. Will Clay Matthews continue to lead the league in sacks after this Monday Night Midwestern Matchup against the Monsters of the Midway? Or will the Bears’ offensive line prove to be as impenetrable as the logic expressed in a typical sports talk radio show? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Over the Side without a Splash” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Whilst I would thoroughly “enjoy” answering your long-winded question whose sentence structure be more twisted than the treasure map of Davey Jones himself, I have me own convoluted agenda to pursue. And that be: Redbeard’s Treasure Map to the Super-Bowl! After ingesting the lead-based paint on me decrepit vessel and gazing into the angry storm clouds I failed to avoid, these be my picks: In the AFC, I pick the Jets, Ravens, Texans, and Broncos to win their divisions. The NFC will see the Eagles, Bears, Falcons, and 49ers. And for the wild cards, I select the Bills and Browns in the AFC and the Lions and Rams in the NFC. Why the hell not?
Des: Because all four teams suck?
SR: Aye. That they do. But I think they are successfully rebuilding… which you don’t want to be doing right after your ship has just hit an iceberg. Anyway, I foresee the Jets defeating the Eagles in the Superbowl.
Des: Uh, thanks, Captain. Barely coherent commentary, as always. Drunky McDumb-Ass. What do you foresee happening Monday Night?
DMD: Des, I foresee myself getting fired Tuesday morning when I show up for work Tuesday afternoon.
Des: Modre. How will the Bears do against Green Bay?
Modre: Perhaps we are asking the wrong questions.
Des: Yeeeeaaah…. Concord Peabody. What’s the Bears’ key to victory?
CWP: Des, the Bears are 72-43 lifetime against teams whose fans wear crappy tri-cornered hats, whether it’s the Packers or the Patriots.
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your metaphors are more mixed up than a cat in a blender.
Des: Sit back and watch with your poorly self-installed satellite dish as the Bears face off in a rivalry as ancient as that of Coke versus Pepsi… and as equally pointless.
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