Des: Welcome to another
edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against
the Atlanta Falcons in Phase Two of their Southern Campaign that hasn’t exactly
resembled Sherman’s March to the Sea. Will the Bears use a brutally ruthless
offense to reduce Atlanta to cinders while constructing a defense acceptable
enough to hold on to Gettysburg? Or will Marc Trestman play the role of George
McClellan and use a conservative run offense that goes nowhere?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of
experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Unconditional
Surrender” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally
McChesty, and the eternal drinking game, Drunky McDumbAss.
Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Once
again, Des, your prejudice against all things aquatic is laid bare for all to
see! Where be the critical role played by the Union and Confederate Navies in
your extended-to-the-breaking-point metaphor? Whilst I could make me standard
double entendre about the Anaconda Strategy, this time I prefer to express me
hope that the Bears defense today resembles the ironclad USS Monitor upon which
the Falcons bounce off like so many Confederate cannonballs and not the
Ironsides wheelchairs I stole from Raymond Burr and Blair Underwood, the star
of the 2013 remake that was cancelled after three episodes, both of which I
will later use to laughably wheel myself down the deck of me ship after too
many casks of white Jamaican rum.
Des: I liked it better when
everyone just ignored my opening question. Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: A mighty dragon cannot
crush a native snake. I’m not sure whether the Bears are the dragons or the
snakes, or if that even matters.
Des: Thank you, Modre. Doctor
McChesty. Who will win today’s Bears game?
Sally: Well, Des, both teams
can best be described as ones where the whole is less than the sum of its
parts. So I guess it’s all about how you add up the numbers.
Des: Isn’t that your job?
Sally: It is this week, Des,
until you come up with another way to define my character.
Des: Drunky McDumbAss. What’s
happening in tailgate land?
Drunky: I’m incoherent
rambling into my smart phone from the back seat of Des-boy’s 1972 Ford Torino.
We’re hiding behind some abandoned factory.
Des-boy: Shut up, McDumbAss!
You want the revenuers to find us?
Des: Prissy Minion. End this
on a positive note if you can, but, please… end this!
Prissy: Des, your posts are
always soothing yet adventurous, and you never settle for passable while the
transcendent is still within reach.
Des: Just like Leonard Cohen’s
new album, Popular Problems, now available
on I-tunes and wherever good music is sold. Sit back and watch, sports fans, as
the Bears face off in a game that’s apparently important enough to be flexibly
scheduled to 3:30 Central Time, which I just discovered right now, totally
throwing off my plans for my entire Sunday, dad-blast it!
