Bears vs. Packers: 11-26-2015

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Green Bay Packers one year after their horrible beating from the Detroit Lions. Will the Bears seek Tur-duck-en Day redemption against a Green Bay team that is a shadow of its former self, but a shadow that still dominates the NFC North? Or will tonight’s 8:30 pm game fail to rouse anyone from a tryptophan coma?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Kilgore Trout” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Elllie Mae MacGillicutty, and the man whose rum-besotted ancestors crashed the Mayflower into a God-forsaken hellhole called “New England,” Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Ye don’t want to know what happens when I “Billy Pilgrim” me way into me distant past, and especially into me distant future. And so it goes with me second annual Thanksgiving dinner taste treat: Captain Redbeard’s Chum Bucket of the NFL: ‘Tis the Cleveland Browns and San Diego Chargers with 2-8 records. The Browns have benched Johnny Football for hoisting champagne. Given the terrible state of Cleveland football, getting hammered be the only rational, nay the only functional, response one can expect. Meanwhile, the citizens of Los Angeles must be thinking, “Billions of taxpayer dollars for a football stadium, the second biggest television market, and the best we can hope for are the Chargers, Raiders, and Rams?

Des: Concord Peabody. Surely you have some obscure Thanksgiving trivia.

Concord: The Bears have never played the Packers on Thanksgiving before. Brett Favre is being honored at halftime for some reason. Outside of the Cowboys (29-17-1) and Lions (35-38-2), the Bears (16-15-2) have the most Thanksgiving Day victories followed by the Packers (14-19-2). What does that mean for today’s Thanksgiving game? Absolutely nothing! Go Bears!

Drunky: Here’s some Thanksgiving trivia you probably don’t want to hear: Thanksgiving Eve is the biggest “bar night” of the year. More people go to their favorite watering hole than any other time of the year, which I know all too well, because my local bar, Slumpy’s, won’t let me come in because they don’t want me to scare all of those punk college kids visiting mommy and daddy. No, Slumpy’s suddenly wants to give those kids the fake blue collar experience by only allowing their more sober, less racist regulars to come in so they can sell Pabst Blue Ribbon at 3 times the regular price. But I’ll be back the first weekday in December.

Ellie: I’ve got even more Thanksgiving Trivia the mainstream media doesn’t want you to know… or maybe they do, because I saw this on every Thanksgiving web site. Did you know that the day after Thanksgiving is the busiest day of the year for plumbers? That’s why our “water closet” is outside, if by “water” you mean “hole”, and by “closet” you mean “shack.”

Des: So… a shack-hole, then. Doctor McChesty, would you encapsulate things with one magnificent sentence?

Sally: Now that I’m done brushing off Captain Redbeard’s clumsy, drunken advances…

Redbeard: Ah, me beauteous mermaid! Would ye like a waft of me cod cologne?

Sally: Ugh! Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a game that probably won’t draw viewers away from the Alice’s Restaurant 50^th Anniversary Concert.

Bears vs. Lions: 11-13-2011

BEARS VS. LIONS: 11-7-11

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions in a late afternoon game that won’t be broadcast nationally to make way for the allegedly awesome 49ers/Giants match-up. Will the Bears take advantage of this temporary obscurity to finish off a Detroit Lions team whose bandwagon wheels may be coming off, much to my shameful delight of seeing a Cinderella story burst into flames? Or will “Megatron” run roughshod over the Bears defense, setting up an improbable run to the Super-bowl, reviving confidence in the American auto industry, and ensuring Obama wins a second term?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Klondike Kat” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and the embodiment of Des’s America, Wonder Woman.

PM: Oh, Des. That was a very enjoyable pun. “Cinder”-ella story? Bursting into flames? Pure genius!

SR: ARRH, mateys! If ye be done polishin’ Des’s ego so that its bright glare is causing planes to crash throughout the New England region, ‘tis time now for Captain Redbeard’s Chum-bucket of the NFL: The Indianapolis Colts, with their 0-9 record. I await to see if the Colts heeded my call to perform unholy acts to heal Payton Manning and return him to active duty. If not, the Jaguars will win 38-0.

Des: Uh, thanks, Captain. Concord Peabody. Who will win Sunday’s matchup?

CWP: Des, the Bears Cover-2 has no answer against Megatron, they have to get more than one sack to slow down the Lions, the Lions had a bye week last week, so Matt Stafford’s ankle has had more time to heal, and former Bears team leader Chris Harris plays his first game as a Lion, against his old team. That said, the Bears will still win 33-17.

Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?

Modre: Kurt Vonnegut once said, “Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before.” That said, Jay Cutler has done a nice job learning Mike Martz’s offense.

Des: Wonder Woman. How do you want to finish this off?

WW: Des, if the Colts are looking for a new quarterback, I was created to be as "beautiful as Aphrodite, wise as Athena, swifter than Hermes, and stronger than Hercules.” At least that’s according to Amazonian legend, and who are you to argue with that?

Des: I… I don’t know. Let’s a check of the reading grade level equivalent of this post: 7.3. Damn! That’s too high. Let’s try this to dumb it down a little: Burp! Fart! Take away his man-card! Okay, let’s hit each other with 2 X 4s. (Several minutes of beatings later…) Now let’s do a reading level check…Yes! Down to 6.5! End transmission.