Bears vs. Packers: 11-26-2015

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Green Bay Packers one year after their horrible beating from the Detroit Lions. Will the Bears seek Tur-duck-en Day redemption against a Green Bay team that is a shadow of its former self, but a shadow that still dominates the NFC North? Or will tonight’s 8:30 pm game fail to rouse anyone from a tryptophan coma?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Kilgore Trout” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Elllie Mae MacGillicutty, and the man whose rum-besotted ancestors crashed the Mayflower into a God-forsaken hellhole called “New England,” Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Ye don’t want to know what happens when I “Billy Pilgrim” me way into me distant past, and especially into me distant future. And so it goes with me second annual Thanksgiving dinner taste treat: Captain Redbeard’s Chum Bucket of the NFL: ‘Tis the Cleveland Browns and San Diego Chargers with 2-8 records. The Browns have benched Johnny Football for hoisting champagne. Given the terrible state of Cleveland football, getting hammered be the only rational, nay the only functional, response one can expect. Meanwhile, the citizens of Los Angeles must be thinking, “Billions of taxpayer dollars for a football stadium, the second biggest television market, and the best we can hope for are the Chargers, Raiders, and Rams?

Des: Concord Peabody. Surely you have some obscure Thanksgiving trivia.

Concord: The Bears have never played the Packers on Thanksgiving before. Brett Favre is being honored at halftime for some reason. Outside of the Cowboys (29-17-1) and Lions (35-38-2), the Bears (16-15-2) have the most Thanksgiving Day victories followed by the Packers (14-19-2). What does that mean for today’s Thanksgiving game? Absolutely nothing! Go Bears!

Drunky: Here’s some Thanksgiving trivia you probably don’t want to hear: Thanksgiving Eve is the biggest “bar night” of the year. More people go to their favorite watering hole than any other time of the year, which I know all too well, because my local bar, Slumpy’s, won’t let me come in because they don’t want me to scare all of those punk college kids visiting mommy and daddy. No, Slumpy’s suddenly wants to give those kids the fake blue collar experience by only allowing their more sober, less racist regulars to come in so they can sell Pabst Blue Ribbon at 3 times the regular price. But I’ll be back the first weekday in December.

Ellie: I’ve got even more Thanksgiving Trivia the mainstream media doesn’t want you to know… or maybe they do, because I saw this on every Thanksgiving web site. Did you know that the day after Thanksgiving is the busiest day of the year for plumbers? That’s why our “water closet” is outside, if by “water” you mean “hole”, and by “closet” you mean “shack.”

Des: So… a shack-hole, then. Doctor McChesty, would you encapsulate things with one magnificent sentence?

Sally: Now that I’m done brushing off Captain Redbeard’s clumsy, drunken advances…

Redbeard: Ah, me beauteous mermaid! Would ye like a waft of me cod cologne?

Sally: Ugh! Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a game that probably won’t draw viewers away from the Alice’s Restaurant 50^th Anniversary Concert.

BEARS VS. PACKERS: 9-13-12


Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Packers after a convincing drubbing of the Indianapolis Colts. Will the Bears capitalize on this early win to begin the march to the Superbowl left unfinished by Jay Cutler’s season-ending injury? Or will the methodical, emotionless arm cannon of Aaron Rogers slice through the Bears defense like the Borg cube through the Enterprise, or a knife through a tur-duck-en?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Summer Breeze” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and token beard, Sally McChesty.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! After attaching electric eels to me nipples for what seemed a fortnight, the Treasure Map to the Superbowl was reveled to me. In the AFC, I foresee the Jets, Steelers, Titans, and Chargers unfurling divisional banners, while the Patriots and Ravens skulk into the playoffs as wild cards. In the NFC, I predict that the Bears, Eagles, Falcons, and Cardinals will stamp their blood-soaked boots on the necks of their divisional foes, while the Packers and 49ers will experience the un-washable black mark of being the NFC wild cards. And gird your loins for this revelation: I predict that the Steelers will defeat the Falcons in this year’s Superbowl.

Des: Captain, when I looked over your picks from last year, I was more than extremely surprised to see that you correctly picked the Patriots to be in the Superbowl (and that they would lose). You also correctly picked the Ravens, Saints and the Giants to win their divisions, the Bengals would get in as a wild card, and you correctly said that the Broncos would make it to the playoffs. But then you picked the Rams, who had a 2-14 record, to win their division. And don’t get me started about what happened to the Bears!

SR: ARRRH, Des, I believed the hype about whoever the Rams quarterback was then. Wasn’t he named something like SQ3R or 2XL?

Des: Why not? Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

CWS: Well, Des, I was disappointed that the Bears only won by 20 points rather than the 68 point margin I expected them to have. I think I need to set the bar higher. Bears win 114 to 3.

Des: Modre. Activate comedic randomizer in 3, 2, 1.

Modre: Roald Dahl, whose birthday is today, created Willy Wonka, who once said, “So much time and so little to do. Wait a minute. Strike that. Reverse it.” Unless you’re talking about football.

Des: Sally McChesty. You interviewed Mitt Romney to try to make him seem slightly human on orders from our corporate overlords who sponsor this broadcast. How did that work out?

SMC: Well, Des, when I asked him a softball question about instant replay, Governor Romney went off on a tirade about how the football team owners are the real job creators and that the players’ union is destroying football. Then he babbled on about how revenue sharing and parity is socialism.

Des: Um…ugh. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a titanic divisional match up that might turn people away from “Glee”… Maybe.