Bears vs. Packers: 11-26-2015

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Green Bay Packers one year after their horrible beating from the Detroit Lions. Will the Bears seek Tur-duck-en Day redemption against a Green Bay team that is a shadow of its former self, but a shadow that still dominates the NFC North? Or will tonight’s 8:30 pm game fail to rouse anyone from a tryptophan coma?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Kilgore Trout” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Elllie Mae MacGillicutty, and the man whose rum-besotted ancestors crashed the Mayflower into a God-forsaken hellhole called “New England,” Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Ye don’t want to know what happens when I “Billy Pilgrim” me way into me distant past, and especially into me distant future. And so it goes with me second annual Thanksgiving dinner taste treat: Captain Redbeard’s Chum Bucket of the NFL: ‘Tis the Cleveland Browns and San Diego Chargers with 2-8 records. The Browns have benched Johnny Football for hoisting champagne. Given the terrible state of Cleveland football, getting hammered be the only rational, nay the only functional, response one can expect. Meanwhile, the citizens of Los Angeles must be thinking, “Billions of taxpayer dollars for a football stadium, the second biggest television market, and the best we can hope for are the Chargers, Raiders, and Rams?

Des: Concord Peabody. Surely you have some obscure Thanksgiving trivia.

Concord: The Bears have never played the Packers on Thanksgiving before. Brett Favre is being honored at halftime for some reason. Outside of the Cowboys (29-17-1) and Lions (35-38-2), the Bears (16-15-2) have the most Thanksgiving Day victories followed by the Packers (14-19-2). What does that mean for today’s Thanksgiving game? Absolutely nothing! Go Bears!

Drunky: Here’s some Thanksgiving trivia you probably don’t want to hear: Thanksgiving Eve is the biggest “bar night” of the year. More people go to their favorite watering hole than any other time of the year, which I know all too well, because my local bar, Slumpy’s, won’t let me come in because they don’t want me to scare all of those punk college kids visiting mommy and daddy. No, Slumpy’s suddenly wants to give those kids the fake blue collar experience by only allowing their more sober, less racist regulars to come in so they can sell Pabst Blue Ribbon at 3 times the regular price. But I’ll be back the first weekday in December.

Ellie: I’ve got even more Thanksgiving Trivia the mainstream media doesn’t want you to know… or maybe they do, because I saw this on every Thanksgiving web site. Did you know that the day after Thanksgiving is the busiest day of the year for plumbers? That’s why our “water closet” is outside, if by “water” you mean “hole”, and by “closet” you mean “shack.”

Des: So… a shack-hole, then. Doctor McChesty, would you encapsulate things with one magnificent sentence?

Sally: Now that I’m done brushing off Captain Redbeard’s clumsy, drunken advances…

Redbeard: Ah, me beauteous mermaid! Would ye like a waft of me cod cologne?

Sally: Ugh! Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a game that probably won’t draw viewers away from the Alice’s Restaurant 50^th Anniversary Concert.

Bears vs. Packers: 11-9-2014

BEARS VS. PACKERS: 11-9-14

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Green Bay Packers after being horribly eviscerated by the New England Patriots. Will Marc Trestman and Aaron Kromer find the magic keys to somehow teach Jay Cutler to throw passes to his teammates, as opposed the waiting arms of the Packers, random mascots, cheerleaders, and the numerous demons that haunt his nightmares, both sleeping and waking? Or will the call go out for the Bears to hire a new quarterback with a more colorful name, like Colt McCoy, Lance McSquarejaw, or Neckbeard?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Dolphin Blob” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Drunky McDumbAss, and from the deepest South, introducing Ellie Mae MacGillicutty.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! The Bears have too many problems to name, but I’ll give it a stab with me blood-drenched cutlass: A pass defense that makes me more nauseated than a norovirus-afflicted cruise ship, a general manager whose comments about “work ethic” and having “a system of doing things” resembles the drunken ramblings of the captain of the Costa Concordia, and a quarterback whose navigation skills make the captain of the Bahamas Celebration look like Magellan.

Des: Captain, that’s a disturbingly recent montage of cruise ship disasters.

Redbeard: Aye. Which is why I offer to your readers/listeners deeply discounted tickets to Captain Redbeard’s Thanksgiving Cruise, where we reenact the original Mayflower voyage with full historical accuracy, which unfortunately includes massive outbreaks of scurvy, pneumonia, and tuberculosis. Also, the residents/tourists of Cape Cod probably won’t appreciate our authentic recreation of the Mayflower landfall where we raid any unprotected stores of corn, or what the natives call “maize.” But don’t look for us on Groupon. We’re more of a Saveology-based enterprise because I’m pretty sure that a portion of the proceeds go to Scientology, whose KRC triangle of “Knowledge, Responsibility, and Control” really gave me the focus I needed to more successfully plunder the coastal cities of Somalia.

Des: Thank you, Captain. Unfortunately, your Thanksgiving tirade comes a bit too early, as I was hoping to save that for the Bears game on Thanksgiving.

Redbeard: Stop being such a lazy slaggard, Des! All ye need do is slap together some standard references to tryptophan, women being stuck in the kitchen while men watch football, and say “turducken” over and over again, and ye be all set!

Des: Concord Peabody. We haven’t heard from you in a while. What do you have for us?

Concord: The Bears are 30-0 when it comes to games they’d be better off losing. Go Bears!

Des: Modre, I know you’ll transcend the limitations of football pre-game coverage even though I’d rather you didn’t.

Modre: O. Henry once declared, “There is one day that is ours. Thanksgiving Day is the one day that’s purely American.” Except for Canada and Liberia.

Des: Again with the premature Thanksgiving jokes. Do we have orders from Corporate to get our Thanksgiving jokes out of the way now so we can go right to Christmas-themed comedy next week? Here to ignore that question altogether is our newest member of Captain Redbeard’s Bears Preview: Ellie Mae MacGillicutty.

Ellie: Well, what we have ourselves as an offering outside of the Green Bay Packer football stadium of Lambeau Field is what I’d like to call a Pig Nut Buffet. Now it’s true that there is a variety of unrelated plants that are called pig nuts, ranging from bunium bulbocastinum, which is a smoky flavored spice used in dishes in the Indian subcontinent, to the pig nut hickory that grows where I come from in the deep south, although its tendrils extend as far north as New England and even lower Ontario

            But while pig nut actually exists, we just steal the name to give down-home flavor to what is really just a stew of various road-kill.

Des: So, Doctor McChesty, would you like to bring things to a staggering conclusion?

Sally: I would think that a “staggering conclusion” would be more Drunky McDumbAss’s forte, Des, but whatever. Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a match that goes up against The Walking Dead—which pretty much describes the Bears defense. (Cue sad slide whistle).