BEARS VS. TEXANS: 11-11-12
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Houston Texans, one of the worst-named teams in the NFL. What’s next, the Chicago Illinoisans or the Boston Mass-holes? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Dorsal Hair” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, Sally McChesty, and special guest tailgater, Drunky McDumbAss.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Prepare yourselves, ye wretched land-lubbers who be not e’en remotely deserving of the aquatic wisdom I am about to bestow upon thee… I lost me train of thought. Anyway… prepare thyselves as I name Captain Redbeard’s Chum-bucket of the NFL: ‘Tis the Jacksonville Jags, with their 1-8 record. Clearly, they be another team afflicted with Captain Redbeard’s Nautical Curse. Captain, ye may be asking, what did the Jags do to earn your hateful fury? They trespassed upon the sacred turf of Florida, mateys! Only my beloved Tampa Bay Buccaneers deserve to play upon the soil of the Sunshine State! The only reasonable course of action for the Jags is move to Chicago and play upon accursed Wrigley Field as, I don’t know, something lame, like the Chicago Illinoisans, or something equally bad.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s game?
CWP: Well, Des, the Bears are 11-22 when they play on dates with five 1’s and two 2’s, and they have a 37-45 record when they play against teams from Texas. That said, the Bears will still win 64-4.
Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. How are things going in tailgate land?
DMD: Des, the last thing I remember is blowing 30 dollars on 20 Long Island Iced Teas at the Smart Bar in 1986. Now I’ve woken up outside some giant spaceship where Soldier Field used to be. What year is this?
Des: 2012.
DMD: Oh. Well, I can safely assume that the Bears created an unstoppable dynasty and won 60 Superbowls after their 1985 championship.
Des: Well, kind of. They did play in the Superbowl at the end of the 2006 season. And lost. So, Drunky McDumbAss: I bet you’ll be pretty freaked to learn that we just re-elected a president named Barack HUSSEIN OBAMA?!? Which sounds like “Osama”?!? Get it?!?
DMD: Yeah, Des, I would care if anyone in 1986 would have any idea who either Saddam Hussein or Osama bin Laden were.
Des: Sally McChesty, we inexplicably sent you overseas to Afghanistan to find out how our soldiers are enjoying our Bears blog. Are they huddled around a laptop, laughing it up over our shenanigans?
SMC: Des, have you bothered to check your site meter? You have maybe 4 readers who stumble onto it by accident. I sold your ticket to Afghanistan on e-Bay for a case of Boone’s Farm, trying to forget that this “show” even exists.
PM: Des?
Des: Prissy Minion?!? What are you doing here?
PM: I’m saddened by the complete lack of Des worship from my replacements. You may only have 4 random readers, but what they have received is nothing less than a jubilant celebration of life in all its textures and colors and roller coaster ride ups and downs. You captivate the globe with your calls for hedonistic abandonment.
Des: Wait a minute. Isn’t that the I-tunes review for “One Direction”, or, as Mad magazine presumably calls them, “One Dimension”? Still, that makes me feels better inside.
Uh, sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will demonstrate whether they are the real deal, or… a real steal like these Timex watches, which dad will really appreciate this holiday season, at Target, where holiday deals mean holiday steals!
Showing posts with label Jacksonville Jaguars. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jacksonville Jaguars. Show all posts
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Bears vs. Jaguars: 10-7-2012
BEARS VS. JAGUARS: 10-7-12
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Jacksonville Jags after a stunning victory against the Dallas Cowboys. Will the Bears strengthen their foundation built upon a mighty defense scoring numerous touchdowns, the golden leg of Robbie Gould, and the acceptable arm of Jay Cutler? Or will Jags quarterback Blaine Gabbert suddenly find that the key to offensive success is to throw to receivers whose jerseys most resemble your own? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Freak on a Leash” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and sonic ear candy, Sally McChesty.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Come join me, won’t you, as I reveal the most horrible team in the NFL: ‘Tis the returning NFL referees! I had salted away many an ill-gotten treasure by making truly random bets only made viable by the incompetence of the replacement refs! Now I have nothing to hang me badly rotting peg-leg on!
Des: Uh, thank you, Captain, for that disturbing image. Modre, what are your haphazard musings this week?
Modre: The Bears will continue to make ripples in the football ether. So says my piercing vision unveiled in pools of Ripple and clouds of ether.
Des: Concord Peabody. What sequence of numbers will you clumsily wield this week?
CP: Des, the Jaguars’ season is on the line and they may try bold experimentation against the Bears. Unfortunately, by the third quarter, that “bold experimentation” might include “going for it” on every fourth down, and/or doing “on side” kicks randomly. Bears win 59-2.
Des: Sally McChesty. We dispatched you once again to interview NFL “bad boy” Ron Shambles. According to his publicist, the recent birth of his daughter has really transformed him.
SMC: If, by “transformed”, you mean “made even worse”, then, sure, I’ll go along with that. “Bad boy” doesn’t even begin to describe this awful excuse for what could laughably be called a human being. No, Des, at best, this alleged daughter is a prop, a shield, if you will, to hide the fact that his massive steroid use has not only made him incapable of human interaction that doesn’t end in multiple fractures and multi-million dollar property damage, but has also rendered him more sterile than the Mars Curiosity Rover.
Des: Oh, my. Uh, sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that can’t possibly be less exciting than the Obama-Romney debate. Although that might be setting the bar really, really low. And that would include replay review after every play, and non-stop badinage of a broadcast team made of Cris Collinsworth, Joe Buck, and Dan Dierdorf.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Jacksonville Jags after a stunning victory against the Dallas Cowboys. Will the Bears strengthen their foundation built upon a mighty defense scoring numerous touchdowns, the golden leg of Robbie Gould, and the acceptable arm of Jay Cutler? Or will Jags quarterback Blaine Gabbert suddenly find that the key to offensive success is to throw to receivers whose jerseys most resemble your own? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Freak on a Leash” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and sonic ear candy, Sally McChesty.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Come join me, won’t you, as I reveal the most horrible team in the NFL: ‘Tis the returning NFL referees! I had salted away many an ill-gotten treasure by making truly random bets only made viable by the incompetence of the replacement refs! Now I have nothing to hang me badly rotting peg-leg on!
Des: Uh, thank you, Captain, for that disturbing image. Modre, what are your haphazard musings this week?
Modre: The Bears will continue to make ripples in the football ether. So says my piercing vision unveiled in pools of Ripple and clouds of ether.
Des: Concord Peabody. What sequence of numbers will you clumsily wield this week?
CP: Des, the Jaguars’ season is on the line and they may try bold experimentation against the Bears. Unfortunately, by the third quarter, that “bold experimentation” might include “going for it” on every fourth down, and/or doing “on side” kicks randomly. Bears win 59-2.
Des: Sally McChesty. We dispatched you once again to interview NFL “bad boy” Ron Shambles. According to his publicist, the recent birth of his daughter has really transformed him.
SMC: If, by “transformed”, you mean “made even worse”, then, sure, I’ll go along with that. “Bad boy” doesn’t even begin to describe this awful excuse for what could laughably be called a human being. No, Des, at best, this alleged daughter is a prop, a shield, if you will, to hide the fact that his massive steroid use has not only made him incapable of human interaction that doesn’t end in multiple fractures and multi-million dollar property damage, but has also rendered him more sterile than the Mars Curiosity Rover.
Des: Oh, my. Uh, sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that can’t possibly be less exciting than the Obama-Romney debate. Although that might be setting the bar really, really low. And that would include replay review after every play, and non-stop badinage of a broadcast team made of Cris Collinsworth, Joe Buck, and Dan Dierdorf.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Bears vs. Jaguars: 12-7-08
BEARS VS. JAGUARS: 12-7-08
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show, sponsored by Fox’s new hit movie Quantum of Solace. The Bears face off against the Jaguars after losing to the Vikings. Will Chicago defeat the Jags with a combination of suave hipness and fancy gadgetry? Or will Jacksonville emerge victorious with a nefarious plot hatched from their undersea headquarters?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Holly Good-head” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a Yuletide perspective, Ebenezer Scrooge.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! After a long day of avoiding the U.S. 5th fleet off the coast of Somalia, nothing goes down better than rum mixed with a dash of Shasta cola… shaken, not stirred. I burned meself with a laminator while creating me own official license to kill: This be an omen from Father Neptune himself! His upset pick this week: the Cincinnati Bengals will defeat the Indianapolis Colts.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?
CP: Well, the Bears are 13-3 against teams in cities where the mosquito-to-human ratio exceeds 10,000,000:1. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: In the grand scheme of things laid out by Shuma-Gorath, football be naught but the tiniest thread in the tapestry of existence. Still, I foresee the Bears winning 31-24.
Des: Ebenezer Scrooge. Lay down some angry 19th century wisdom.
Scrooge: Are there no prisons?!? Are there no workhouses?!?
Des: Okay, then. Prissy Minion. What now?
PM: Oh, Des. Your sports insights exceeds that of all other broadcasters combined.
Des: Including the bad ones?
PM: Is there any other kind?
Des: Sit back and watch with your Neckbeard napkin as the Bears face off in a battle that will inspire you to compile a list of all the Bears quarterbacks who have worn the numbers 8 and 18 since 1990.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show, sponsored by Fox’s new hit movie Quantum of Solace. The Bears face off against the Jaguars after losing to the Vikings. Will Chicago defeat the Jags with a combination of suave hipness and fancy gadgetry? Or will Jacksonville emerge victorious with a nefarious plot hatched from their undersea headquarters?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Holly Good-head” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a Yuletide perspective, Ebenezer Scrooge.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! After a long day of avoiding the U.S. 5th fleet off the coast of Somalia, nothing goes down better than rum mixed with a dash of Shasta cola… shaken, not stirred. I burned meself with a laminator while creating me own official license to kill: This be an omen from Father Neptune himself! His upset pick this week: the Cincinnati Bengals will defeat the Indianapolis Colts.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?
CP: Well, the Bears are 13-3 against teams in cities where the mosquito-to-human ratio exceeds 10,000,000:1. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: In the grand scheme of things laid out by Shuma-Gorath, football be naught but the tiniest thread in the tapestry of existence. Still, I foresee the Bears winning 31-24.
Des: Ebenezer Scrooge. Lay down some angry 19th century wisdom.
Scrooge: Are there no prisons?!? Are there no workhouses?!?
Des: Okay, then. Prissy Minion. What now?
PM: Oh, Des. Your sports insights exceeds that of all other broadcasters combined.
Des: Including the bad ones?
PM: Is there any other kind?
Des: Sit back and watch with your Neckbeard napkin as the Bears face off in a battle that will inspire you to compile a list of all the Bears quarterbacks who have worn the numbers 8 and 18 since 1990.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Bears vs. Lions: 11-2-08
BEARS VS. LIONS: 11-2-08
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions after defeating them four weeks ago. Will Detroit learn any lessons from their endless defeats? Or will the Lions have reason to fear the name “Neckbeard”?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Hussein Obama Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! The mariner’s curse will finally be lifted on one of the NFL’s two winless teams. ‘Twill be the Cincinnati Bengals defeating the Jacksonville Jags! The Detroit Lions will find no respite today or any other day this season!
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?
CP: Well, the Bears are 22-1 when they play against teams with a feline name. Except for their embarrassing loss to the Libertyville High School football Wildcats in 1997. That was a bad year.
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: I’ve been crying lately, thinking about the world as it is.
Des: Well, when you’re standing at the edge of darkness, there rides the Peace Train. If you’re listening, Michael Savage, when Obama becomes President, your show will be replaced with an endless loop of “Peace Train” while illegal immigrants are destroying your borders, language, and culture. Try to sleep on that, won’t you? Albert Einstein. Pierce through the veil of falsehood for us.
AE: Guten tag, mein lutefisk. "Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods." Once again, I’m looking at you, Joe Buck.
Des: Prissy Minion. What now?
PM: Oh, Des. Have you ever watched the “Snoopy vs. the Red Baron” scene of “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown” while listening to “Goodbye, Blue Sky” by Pink Floyd? It’s magic!
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a match that will combine the renewal of faith in democracy that comes from Halloween with the terror that comes from Election Day!
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions after defeating them four weeks ago. Will Detroit learn any lessons from their endless defeats? Or will the Lions have reason to fear the name “Neckbeard”?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Hussein Obama Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! The mariner’s curse will finally be lifted on one of the NFL’s two winless teams. ‘Twill be the Cincinnati Bengals defeating the Jacksonville Jags! The Detroit Lions will find no respite today or any other day this season!
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?
CP: Well, the Bears are 22-1 when they play against teams with a feline name. Except for their embarrassing loss to the Libertyville High School football Wildcats in 1997. That was a bad year.
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: I’ve been crying lately, thinking about the world as it is.
Des: Well, when you’re standing at the edge of darkness, there rides the Peace Train. If you’re listening, Michael Savage, when Obama becomes President, your show will be replaced with an endless loop of “Peace Train” while illegal immigrants are destroying your borders, language, and culture. Try to sleep on that, won’t you? Albert Einstein. Pierce through the veil of falsehood for us.
AE: Guten tag, mein lutefisk. "Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods." Once again, I’m looking at you, Joe Buck.
Des: Prissy Minion. What now?
PM: Oh, Des. Have you ever watched the “Snoopy vs. the Red Baron” scene of “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown” while listening to “Goodbye, Blue Sky” by Pink Floyd? It’s magic!
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a match that will combine the renewal of faith in democracy that comes from Halloween with the terror that comes from Election Day!
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