Pre-production meeting transcript:
Des: Prissy Minion, after your stellar “performance” as the closer of our Internet Journals for well-nigh unto five years, we were wondering if you would be willing to give the opening prediction after I do my stirring introduction.
PM: I don’t know, Des. I know nothing about football. My sole expertise is in building your self-esteem.
Des: Well, thanks to your successful efforts, my ego is now the size of the Hindenburg… and also as flammable and potentially fatal to all who come near it. Oh, the pomposity! But, to return to my original point, we need to expand your character a little.
SR: Don’t worry, matey! We’ll be right behind you!
PM: No doubt poking me with your sword as I walk this metaphorical plank to the shark-infested waters of my own sports-related ignorance.
Modre: If more metaphors like those you propose are part of your prose, you will present with compose…ure.
PM: How can I argue with such elegant poetry? But, Modre, wouldn’t it be more in character for you to speak in haikus?
Modre:
If disturbing praise
Gladdens your insecure heart
Seek Prissy Minion
PM: I’m ready.
BEARS VS. VIKINGS: 10-16-11
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Minnesota Vikings after Chicago’s offense struggled mightily against the Motown Maginot Line. Will the Bears defense wash off the stench of classic Detroit Lions failure by firing Rod Marinelli? Or will Donovan McNabb receive an undeserved new lease on life as the Vikings number one quarterback?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Snaggletooth” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and Amazonian warrior princess, Wonder Woman.
PM: Hello, everyone who is not Des. This is the Prissy Minion, Des’s biggest fan, with my inaugural prediction for tonight’s Bears game. And here it is: I’ll be too enraptured by Des’s play-by-play brilliance to know what’s actually happening during the game.
WW: What the… Prissy Minion, that’s the weakest performance… uh, uh, the biggest disappointment since the Legion of Doom seemed to have killed off all the Super-friends, but it turned out that we were just robot duplicates in the fevered insane dream of an autistic child’s brain in a jar in a mental hospital in an alternate universe where Abraham Lincoln was the fifth Beatle, except the Beatles were actual giant insects from a Kafka novel that was randomly cut and pasted from old 1980s Tiger Beat magazines by a room full of monkeys who actually turned out to be the children of Jesus and Marilyn Monroe, which is why there were so many pictures of Ralph Macchio and Duran Duran!
Des: Concord Peabody. How will the Bears perform?
CWP: Well, Jay Cutler is currently riding the NFL’s longest consecutive streak of games sacked, and the Viking’s defensive end Jared Allen has made 8.5 sacks in five games, while Chicago’s defense is as weak as Prissy Minion’s opening prediction. That said, the Bears will still win 37 to 0.
Des: Modre. What advice do you have for football fans this week?
Modre: Albert Einstein once said, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” Nevertheless, Rod Marinelli should continue using the Tampa 2 defense.
Des: Captain Redbeard. How would you like to finish this off?
SR: ARRH, mateys! First, I’d like to criticize your strategy of trying to finish strong by putting me at the end instead of starting strong with me at the beginning. If the Bears have taught us anything, it’s that you need to score repeatedly in the first quarter because your opponents will figure you out by the second quarter. ‘Tis much like when I attack a vessel off the port bow, I unload all of my cannonballs within the first five minutes of battle to achieve victory before me mutinous crew rebels against me once they realize I have no plan whatsoever.
Second… well, I really don’t have a second point, except to say that this week’s ironclad guarantee of gambling treasure goes to the San Francisco 49ers defeating the Detroit Lions. There be something oddly comforting in Coach Jim Harbaugh’s maniacal expression. You can also hear his father’s voice inside his head, berating him. ‘Tis a voice I know well!
Des: Uh, thanks, Captain. Anyway… Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game brought to you by Bud Light, whose slogan is “Here we go”, which I pretty much say only before I’m forced to embark on something that will only bring pain.
Showing posts with label Einstein. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Einstein. Show all posts
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Bears vs. 49ers: 11-12-09
BEARS VS. 49ERS: 11-12-09
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the 49ers on a Thursday night, further angering the football gods - - or, in the case of George Halas, the football Satan. Will the Bears solve their problems on offense, defense, and special teams? Or will they suffer the shame of having viewers defect to watch “Community”, or (shudder) Jay Leno?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Fem-bot” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and famed dead celebrity Kurt Cobain.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! If ye reverse the name “Halas” and replace the “L” and “H” with “T” and “N”…. never mind! That be too convoluted! Whatever ye do, don’t turn your “Tivo” upside down if the game is still on at 11:34 p.m.!
Des: Concord Peabody. Your thoughts.
CP: The Bears’ relentless defense and cyborg-ian offense remind me of the time I was a telemarketer and…
Des: Modre. What should the Bears do?
Modre: Albert Einstein once said, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” Still, I would continue using the "Tampa 2" defense. Or offense. Or whatever.
Des: Kurt Cobain. Your thoughts.
KC: “The duty of youth is to challenge corruption.” Did I say “challenge”? I meant “embrace.”
Des: Okay, then. Prissy Minion. What bizarre compliment do you have for me this week?
PM: Oh, Des. If your words could kill, you’d be a weapon of mass destruction.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game brought to you by "V: the Visitors", starring Morena Baccarin, whose unnervingly serene visage draws me in like a fly to an unbelievably high voltage bug zapper
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the 49ers on a Thursday night, further angering the football gods - - or, in the case of George Halas, the football Satan. Will the Bears solve their problems on offense, defense, and special teams? Or will they suffer the shame of having viewers defect to watch “Community”, or (shudder) Jay Leno?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Fem-bot” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and famed dead celebrity Kurt Cobain.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! If ye reverse the name “Halas” and replace the “L” and “H” with “T” and “N”…. never mind! That be too convoluted! Whatever ye do, don’t turn your “Tivo” upside down if the game is still on at 11:34 p.m.!
Des: Concord Peabody. Your thoughts.
CP: The Bears’ relentless defense and cyborg-ian offense remind me of the time I was a telemarketer and…
Des: Modre. What should the Bears do?
Modre: Albert Einstein once said, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” Still, I would continue using the "Tampa 2" defense. Or offense. Or whatever.
Des: Kurt Cobain. Your thoughts.
KC: “The duty of youth is to challenge corruption.” Did I say “challenge”? I meant “embrace.”
Des: Okay, then. Prissy Minion. What bizarre compliment do you have for me this week?
PM: Oh, Des. If your words could kill, you’d be a weapon of mass destruction.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game brought to you by "V: the Visitors", starring Morena Baccarin, whose unnervingly serene visage draws me in like a fly to an unbelievably high voltage bug zapper
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Bears vs. Lions: 11-2-08
BEARS VS. LIONS: 11-2-08
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions after defeating them four weeks ago. Will Detroit learn any lessons from their endless defeats? Or will the Lions have reason to fear the name “Neckbeard”?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Hussein Obama Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! The mariner’s curse will finally be lifted on one of the NFL’s two winless teams. ‘Twill be the Cincinnati Bengals defeating the Jacksonville Jags! The Detroit Lions will find no respite today or any other day this season!
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?
CP: Well, the Bears are 22-1 when they play against teams with a feline name. Except for their embarrassing loss to the Libertyville High School football Wildcats in 1997. That was a bad year.
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: I’ve been crying lately, thinking about the world as it is.
Des: Well, when you’re standing at the edge of darkness, there rides the Peace Train. If you’re listening, Michael Savage, when Obama becomes President, your show will be replaced with an endless loop of “Peace Train” while illegal immigrants are destroying your borders, language, and culture. Try to sleep on that, won’t you? Albert Einstein. Pierce through the veil of falsehood for us.
AE: Guten tag, mein lutefisk. "Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods." Once again, I’m looking at you, Joe Buck.
Des: Prissy Minion. What now?
PM: Oh, Des. Have you ever watched the “Snoopy vs. the Red Baron” scene of “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown” while listening to “Goodbye, Blue Sky” by Pink Floyd? It’s magic!
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a match that will combine the renewal of faith in democracy that comes from Halloween with the terror that comes from Election Day!
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions after defeating them four weeks ago. Will Detroit learn any lessons from their endless defeats? Or will the Lions have reason to fear the name “Neckbeard”?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Hussein Obama Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! The mariner’s curse will finally be lifted on one of the NFL’s two winless teams. ‘Twill be the Cincinnati Bengals defeating the Jacksonville Jags! The Detroit Lions will find no respite today or any other day this season!
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?
CP: Well, the Bears are 22-1 when they play against teams with a feline name. Except for their embarrassing loss to the Libertyville High School football Wildcats in 1997. That was a bad year.
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: I’ve been crying lately, thinking about the world as it is.
Des: Well, when you’re standing at the edge of darkness, there rides the Peace Train. If you’re listening, Michael Savage, when Obama becomes President, your show will be replaced with an endless loop of “Peace Train” while illegal immigrants are destroying your borders, language, and culture. Try to sleep on that, won’t you? Albert Einstein. Pierce through the veil of falsehood for us.
AE: Guten tag, mein lutefisk. "Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods." Once again, I’m looking at you, Joe Buck.
Des: Prissy Minion. What now?
PM: Oh, Des. Have you ever watched the “Snoopy vs. the Red Baron” scene of “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown” while listening to “Goodbye, Blue Sky” by Pink Floyd? It’s magic!
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a match that will combine the renewal of faith in democracy that comes from Halloween with the terror that comes from Election Day!
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Bears vs. Panthers: 9-14-08
BEARS VS. PANTHERS: 9-14-08
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Carolina Panthers, another team that pulled off an upset win. Will the Bears maintain the winning formula of a healthy defense, a competent offense, plus an injured opposing quarterback? Or will “friend of the web site” John Hundrieser be forced to endure his 40th birthday without the comforting escape of a Bears win? And by “friend”, I mean he wishes it no specific harm (to my knowledge).
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles dotcom Red-beard, Modre, the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Last night, I stared at a mirror and yelled “BLOODY MARY! BLOODY MARY! BLOODY MARY! BLOODY MARY! BLOODY MARY!” for two hours until the Treasure Map to the Super-Bowl revealed itself to me. In the AFC, I foresee Buffalo, Cleveland, Jacksonville, and Denver conquering their divisions, as Indianapolis and New England sneak in as the wild cards. For the NFC, I envision Chicago, New York, Carolina, and Arizona unfurling division championship banners, while Dallas and Minnesota must suffer the shame of being wild cards. Prepare yourselves for this prophecy, ye passengers on a ship of fools that requires the leadership that can only come from me steely blade: The Chicago Bears or maybe the Dallas Cowboys will defeat the Cleveland Browns in a Super-bowl that will bring no joy to fellow fictional curmudgeons Crankshaft or Harvey Pekar.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?
CP: The Bears are 1-0 when the price of oil is over $100 a barrel. Go Bears!
Des: Modre, the inscrutable Asian stereotype. What are your thoughts?
Modre: Sin’s a good man’s brother, but is that right?
Des: Uh, I… can’t answer that one. Albert Einstein. Your impressions.
AE: “Imagination is more important than knowledge”, mein liebchen. Unless you are Joe Buck. Das ist ein dumbkopf!!!
Des: Thanks, Baron Von Manson. Prissy Minion. What non-sequitor would you like to contribute?
PM: As Audrey Hepburn said, “Success is like reaching an important birthday and finding you’re exactly the same.”
Des: Sit back and watch with your back-stabbing, beer-stealing friends as the Bears face off in a glorious battle only to be overshadowed by the “baby bump” of Sarah Palin’s daughter.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Carolina Panthers, another team that pulled off an upset win. Will the Bears maintain the winning formula of a healthy defense, a competent offense, plus an injured opposing quarterback? Or will “friend of the web site” John Hundrieser be forced to endure his 40th birthday without the comforting escape of a Bears win? And by “friend”, I mean he wishes it no specific harm (to my knowledge).
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles dotcom Red-beard, Modre, the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Last night, I stared at a mirror and yelled “BLOODY MARY! BLOODY MARY! BLOODY MARY! BLOODY MARY! BLOODY MARY!” for two hours until the Treasure Map to the Super-Bowl revealed itself to me. In the AFC, I foresee Buffalo, Cleveland, Jacksonville, and Denver conquering their divisions, as Indianapolis and New England sneak in as the wild cards. For the NFC, I envision Chicago, New York, Carolina, and Arizona unfurling division championship banners, while Dallas and Minnesota must suffer the shame of being wild cards. Prepare yourselves for this prophecy, ye passengers on a ship of fools that requires the leadership that can only come from me steely blade: The Chicago Bears or maybe the Dallas Cowboys will defeat the Cleveland Browns in a Super-bowl that will bring no joy to fellow fictional curmudgeons Crankshaft or Harvey Pekar.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?
CP: The Bears are 1-0 when the price of oil is over $100 a barrel. Go Bears!
Des: Modre, the inscrutable Asian stereotype. What are your thoughts?
Modre: Sin’s a good man’s brother, but is that right?
Des: Uh, I… can’t answer that one. Albert Einstein. Your impressions.
AE: “Imagination is more important than knowledge”, mein liebchen. Unless you are Joe Buck. Das ist ein dumbkopf!!!
Des: Thanks, Baron Von Manson. Prissy Minion. What non-sequitor would you like to contribute?
PM: As Audrey Hepburn said, “Success is like reaching an important birthday and finding you’re exactly the same.”
Des: Sit back and watch with your back-stabbing, beer-stealing friends as the Bears face off in a glorious battle only to be overshadowed by the “baby bump” of Sarah Palin’s daughter.
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