BEARS VS. 49ERS: 11-12-09
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the 49ers on a Thursday night, further angering the football gods - - or, in the case of George Halas, the football Satan. Will the Bears solve their problems on offense, defense, and special teams? Or will they suffer the shame of having viewers defect to watch “Community”, or (shudder) Jay Leno?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Fem-bot” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and famed dead celebrity Kurt Cobain.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! If ye reverse the name “Halas” and replace the “L” and “H” with “T” and “N”…. never mind! That be too convoluted! Whatever ye do, don’t turn your “Tivo” upside down if the game is still on at 11:34 p.m.!
Des: Concord Peabody. Your thoughts.
CP: The Bears’ relentless defense and cyborg-ian offense remind me of the time I was a telemarketer and…
Des: Modre. What should the Bears do?
Modre: Albert Einstein once said, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” Still, I would continue using the "Tampa 2" defense. Or offense. Or whatever.
Des: Kurt Cobain. Your thoughts.
KC: “The duty of youth is to challenge corruption.” Did I say “challenge”? I meant “embrace.”
Des: Okay, then. Prissy Minion. What bizarre compliment do you have for me this week?
PM: Oh, Des. If your words could kill, you’d be a weapon of mass destruction.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game brought to you by "V: the Visitors", starring Morena Baccarin, whose unnervingly serene visage draws me in like a fly to an unbelievably high voltage bug zapper
Showing posts with label Kurt Cobain. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Kurt Cobain. Show all posts
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Bears vs. Cardinals: 11-8-09
BEARS VS. CARDINALS: 11-8-09
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against their cross-town rivals, the Arizona Cardinals. Will the Bears be able to make their offense function smoothly, like a well-oiled machine? Or will they fly apart into a million pieces, like the infamous aluminum engines of the 1974 Chevy Vega?
To respond to these and similar obscure, poorly constructed metaphors is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Livingston Seagull” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and famed dead celebrity Kurt Cobain.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Though the Bears emerged victorious against the hapless Cleveland Browns, ‘tis too soon to crown them Super-bowl champions. What must the Bears do to win the NFC North? I suggest the “bilge rat” pass rush defense, where ye swarm all over the quarterback like a pack of… well, ye gets the idea. This would be particularly effective against the “Cheese-head” Green Bay Packers.
Des: Concord Peabody. Your thoughts.
CP: The Bears’ smothering defense and suffocating kickoff return coverage remind me of the time I worked for the "waste management business" and...
Des: Modre. What should the Bears do?
Modre: George Bernard Shaw once said, “For every complex problem, there is a simple solution that is wrong.” Still, I recommend using the "Wildcat" offense.
Des: Kurt Cobain. Your thoughts.
KC: “If you ever need anything please don't hesitate to ask someone else first."
Des: Okay, then. Prissy Minion. Your final thought.
PM: Oh, Des. Bears Sunday without your broadcasts is like a broken pencil--- pointless.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game brought to you by the return of "V: the Visitors", which is in no way connected to this show, even though I've used their theme song for 5 years.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against their cross-town rivals, the Arizona Cardinals. Will the Bears be able to make their offense function smoothly, like a well-oiled machine? Or will they fly apart into a million pieces, like the infamous aluminum engines of the 1974 Chevy Vega?
To respond to these and similar obscure, poorly constructed metaphors is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Livingston Seagull” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and famed dead celebrity Kurt Cobain.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Though the Bears emerged victorious against the hapless Cleveland Browns, ‘tis too soon to crown them Super-bowl champions. What must the Bears do to win the NFC North? I suggest the “bilge rat” pass rush defense, where ye swarm all over the quarterback like a pack of… well, ye gets the idea. This would be particularly effective against the “Cheese-head” Green Bay Packers.
Des: Concord Peabody. Your thoughts.
CP: The Bears’ smothering defense and suffocating kickoff return coverage remind me of the time I worked for the "waste management business" and...
Des: Modre. What should the Bears do?
Modre: George Bernard Shaw once said, “For every complex problem, there is a simple solution that is wrong.” Still, I recommend using the "Wildcat" offense.
Des: Kurt Cobain. Your thoughts.
KC: “If you ever need anything please don't hesitate to ask someone else first."
Des: Okay, then. Prissy Minion. Your final thought.
PM: Oh, Des. Bears Sunday without your broadcasts is like a broken pencil--- pointless.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game brought to you by the return of "V: the Visitors", which is in no way connected to this show, even though I've used their theme song for 5 years.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Bears vs. Bengals: 10-25-09
BEARS VS. BENGALS: 10-25-09
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Cincinnati Bengals after a heartbreaking loss to the Atlanta Falcons. Will the Bears put together a competent offense and a two minute defense? Or will “Ocho-Cinco” cause the Bears to fear the girly-swirly helmets that adorn the skulls of the Bengals?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Falcon and the Snowman” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and famed dead celebrity Kurt Cobain.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Ye athletic representatives of Tennessee, Tampa Bay, and St. Louis stand accused of football incompetence before the drum-head court of Captain Silas Redbeard, scourge of the seven seas and many a fantasy football league! Tennessee and St. Louis, your zero-and-six records sadden this mariner’s heart and bring disgrace to your proud cities. But Tampa Bay: As the only feared buccaneer in the Northern Hemisphere, I decree that your winless performance brings naught but shame upon the noble profession of piracy! Thou shalt be punished by exile to the British Isles for a fortnight! I have spoken! Imperious Rex!
Des: Concord Peabody. Your thoughts.
CP: The Bears brick wall defense and slippery special teams remind me of the time I was a veal farmer and…
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: In China, October 26 is the “double nine” festival because it is the 9th day of the 9th lunar month. Thus it is written that the Bears will win by 9 points after forcing 9 turnovers. The offense will under-perform.
Des: Kurt Cobain. Your impressions.
KC: “I bought a gun and chose drugs instead.” Then it was back to the gun.
Des: Okay, then. Prissy Minion. Your final thought.
PM: Oh, Des. Thinking outside the box for you means thinking outside of a tesseract.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game brought to you by Rush Limbaugh, who has sworn a terrible vengeance against the National Football League for spurning his financial advances.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Cincinnati Bengals after a heartbreaking loss to the Atlanta Falcons. Will the Bears put together a competent offense and a two minute defense? Or will “Ocho-Cinco” cause the Bears to fear the girly-swirly helmets that adorn the skulls of the Bengals?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Falcon and the Snowman” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and famed dead celebrity Kurt Cobain.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Ye athletic representatives of Tennessee, Tampa Bay, and St. Louis stand accused of football incompetence before the drum-head court of Captain Silas Redbeard, scourge of the seven seas and many a fantasy football league! Tennessee and St. Louis, your zero-and-six records sadden this mariner’s heart and bring disgrace to your proud cities. But Tampa Bay: As the only feared buccaneer in the Northern Hemisphere, I decree that your winless performance brings naught but shame upon the noble profession of piracy! Thou shalt be punished by exile to the British Isles for a fortnight! I have spoken! Imperious Rex!
Des: Concord Peabody. Your thoughts.
CP: The Bears brick wall defense and slippery special teams remind me of the time I was a veal farmer and…
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: In China, October 26 is the “double nine” festival because it is the 9th day of the 9th lunar month. Thus it is written that the Bears will win by 9 points after forcing 9 turnovers. The offense will under-perform.
Des: Kurt Cobain. Your impressions.
KC: “I bought a gun and chose drugs instead.” Then it was back to the gun.
Des: Okay, then. Prissy Minion. Your final thought.
PM: Oh, Des. Thinking outside the box for you means thinking outside of a tesseract.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game brought to you by Rush Limbaugh, who has sworn a terrible vengeance against the National Football League for spurning his financial advances.
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