Bears vs. Cardinals: 11-8-09

BEARS VS. CARDINALS: 11-8-09

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against their cross-town rivals, the Arizona Cardinals. Will the Bears be able to make their offense function smoothly, like a well-oiled machine? Or will they fly apart into a million pieces, like the infamous aluminum engines of the 1974 Chevy Vega?

To respond to these and similar obscure, poorly constructed metaphors is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Livingston Seagull” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and famed dead celebrity Kurt Cobain.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Though the Bears emerged victorious against the hapless Cleveland Browns, ‘tis too soon to crown them Super-bowl champions. What must the Bears do to win the NFC North? I suggest the “bilge rat” pass rush defense, where ye swarm all over the quarterback like a pack of… well, ye gets the idea. This would be particularly effective against the “Cheese-head” Green Bay Packers.

Des: Concord Peabody. Your thoughts.

CP: The Bears’ smothering defense and suffocating kickoff return coverage remind me of the time I worked for the "waste management business" and...

Des: Modre. What should the Bears do?

Modre: George Bernard Shaw once said, “For every complex problem, there is a simple solution that is wrong.” Still, I recommend using the "Wildcat" offense.

Des: Kurt Cobain. Your thoughts.

KC: “If you ever need anything please don't hesitate to ask someone else first."

Des: Okay, then. Prissy Minion. Your final thought.

PM: Oh, Des. Bears Sunday without your broadcasts is like a broken pencil--- pointless.

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game brought to you by the return of "V: the Visitors", which is in no way connected to this show, even though I've used their theme song for 5 years.