Bears vs. Lions: 10-18-2015

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions in the Race to Get to .500. Will the Bears take this opportunity to notch their third win against a very, very beatable team? Or will a Bears loss send the team scrambling to trade Matt Forte to build toward a future that may never come?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Eurotrash” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae MacGillicutty, and the Keystone Light mascot, Drunky McDumbAss

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! As ye know all too well, I predict weather through me various physical ailments and predict sports by me communion with various obscure deities from ancient, now defunct, Parthenons. Sadly, recent events have forced me to combine the two, as I am now cursed by numerous gods. Famed volcano goddess Pele has singed me ginger beard, which means we’ll have snow flurries tonight and Jay Cutler will score two touchdowns and fumble the ball twice. Then the Norse god of thunder, Thor, will cause an uncomfortable electric tingling in me hook that serves as me right hand, which can only mean partly cloudy skies tomorrow with a high of 50 degrees and also a Bears special teams player, who has wallowed in obscurity until today, will return a punt for a touchdown. Finally, Xochiquetzal—the Aztec goddess of plants, I guess?—has given me a bout of toe fungus, so, I’m thinkin’ we’ll be seeing a bright harvest moon tonight with a low dippin’ down to 29 degrees and at least one interception returned for a touchdown.

Des: “Weather and sports-- together.” Finally, a marketable slogan for the good captain.

Sally: A huge improvement from his current slogan: “Weather, sports, and anger all wrapped in a tiny little package of hate.”

Des: Modre. Fog up the mind with a gentle mist of inscrutability.

Modre: “The ones who best predict the future are the ones who define the future.” I define “future” as “flabbitty tabb tabb rinkitty dink dink sham sham shammitty sham bop… that’s the way it should be… wahoooo… yeah!”

Des: Let’s turn now to our panelist who’s less insightful than a two year old’s crayon wall scrawlings: Drunky McDumbass.

Drunky: Des, I’m going to horn in on your territory by making a terrible joke in response to something that was said 20 minutes ago. To wit: the only Keystone XL Pipeline I care about is my 1000 week Keystone Keg Club subscription where they send me a keg every Friday.

Des: Drunky, how much did you pay for that subscription?

Drunky: 1K

Des: Concord Peabody. Do you have anything for us?

Concord: I’ve heard that many states are considering having their own fantasy football leagues in a desperate effort to save their pension funds. To the listeners reading at home, I’d like to be your state’s Secretary of Fantasy Football so I can finally enjoy some of that sweet, sweet money.

Des: In a serious vein, I’d like to see a Draft Kings vs. Fan Duel Pro Bowl, featuring the biggest money makers of each league choosing the two teams. Prissy Minion. Take this to the outer limits of what the English language can communicate.

Prissy Minion: Des, what the world needs now may be beyond your ability. What the world wants now, you’ve got in spades.

Des: Ellie Mae McGillicutty. What fricasseed wisdom do you have for us today?

Ellie Mae: Des, out of sheer boredom, I watched the Weather Channel’s “3 Scientists Walk Into a Bar”, which would be better titled “3 Drunks Talk About Science in a Bar.” “See, what people should do is, what they should do is, teach about volcanoes by driving a bloodhound in a back of a pickup truck next to my twelve gauge and blow up some ping pong balls in the middle of a football field while some guy with a thick Southern drawl randomly makes some science noises like ‘caldera’ and ‘vent pipe’ and ‘P-waves’ and ‘S-waves’ and na-haw-haw-hawwww.”

Des: Yeah, I don’t think that’s gonna tear anyone away from Doctor Who. Speaking of fictional doctors: Doctor McChesty. You drew the short straw.

Sally: So I did. So I did. Sit back and watch sports fans, as the Bears play in a game that represents a huge time commitment if you combine it with Sunday night’s Cubs game. Those of you reading at home may want to deeply assess whether your marriage can survive six hours of sports viewing.

Bears vs. Colts: 9-9-12

BEARS VS. COLTS: 9-9-12

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Indianapolis Colts in a half-assed rematch of Superbowl 41. Will Jay Cutler and Brandon Marshall regain the magic they displayed as the tag team extraordinaire of the Denver Broncos? Or will Colts’ quarterback Andrew Luck turn in an outstanding performance that will inspire many more tortured puns based on his last name?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Leather Tuscadero” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and returning after a five year hiatus, Sally McChesty.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! After 10 years of doing these Bears pre-game broadcasts, I’ve used every tool to predict the Bears seasons without success: Bodily ailments, visions from various deities, magic 8 balls… I’ve even resorted to statistical analysis! What’s left? Mermaid entrails? The patterns of goo on the inside of me eye patch? Why not? Here be my predictions for the 2012 Bears season:
          The Bears will go 14-2 this year, water-boarding the Colts, Rams, Cowboys, Jags, Panthers, Titans, Texans, 49ers, Seahawks, and Cardinals, plus the Vikings and Lions twice. But they will lose to the Packers twice. On an unrelated topic, I don’t need a crystal ball to predict that all of Sunday’s quarterbacks throughout the NFL will have a career-ending injury by the middle of October thanks to the replacement refs and the overturning of the New Orleans Saints player suspensions.

Des: Captain, I noticed that the Bears are not playing the Buccaneers and Raiders this season. Are you saddened by this turn of events?

SR: I’ll make do with the Bears playing the Seahawks. Plus, I’m pretty sure that the Weather Channel has some pointless documentaries about the weather and piracy that will inspire me to do some angry blogging.

Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

CWS: Well, Andrew Luck was a really good college quarterback, the Colts still have plenty of strong veterans, including the dependable kicker Adam Vinatieri, and Brian Urlacher might be out due to a knee injury. That said, the Bears will still win 74 to 6.

Des: Modre! I have no idea what you will say next.

Modre: Nor should you, for I have rejected your strait-jacketed Western notions of linear thought. On September 6, the people of Swaziland celebrated Somhlolo Day for the 19th century King Somhlolo, whose name means “wonder”. The true “wonder” is that Indianapolis has a football team.

Des: Nice. A fake multi-cultural reference reduced to a set up for a crappy joke. Finally, we have Sally McChesty, a supermodel ex-cheerleader whose touching interview with Ron Shambles will show the human side of this controversial defensive line man-monster.

SMC: Des, after spending several days in an interview that turned into a standoff with police, defensive legend Ron Shambles has shared with me the secrets of his soul, and these are the only ones that were fit for broadcast: He’s had roosters fighting pit bulls for money, he refuses to pay child support for any of the 20 children he’s had with 15 different women, he’s stolen money and women from war veterans, and he’s a Holocaust denier. Ron Shambles is a horrible, horrible human being.

Des: That’s all the time we have, folks. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that might make people forget about the terrible economy… if trillions of dollars of TV advertising money from the Koch Brothers and Sheldon Adelson weren’t spent to remind them!