Des: Welcome to another
edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against
the Carolina Panthers after a really embarrassing loss against the arch nemesis
Green Bay Packers. Which Bears team will show up at Bank of America Stadium?
Will it be the team that dominated the 49ers and Jets with competent
quarterbacking, adhesive receivers, and acceptable defense? Or will it be last
week’s team of panicky passing, numerous turnovers, and AWOL defense?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of
experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Baby Doc” Red-beard,
Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Drunky
McDumbAss, and southern fried corn-poke Cornelius Van Robert E. Lee Des-boy.
Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! In
the 12 years that we’ve been together in this pre-game cavalcade, we’ve never
once answered - - or even acknowledged - - the opening question. This streak
comes to an end. Your question requires a two part answer, Des. For the first
quarter, you will see Team A… the one with the skillful, patient, accurate Jay
Cutler; the focused, agile receivers; and defensive players who may
occasionally execute a block or tackle. All of those players will be carted off
the field due to injuries during the second quarter, and that’s when you’ll see
Team B.
Des: Modre. The bottle is
pointing at you.
Modre: “Font of Western
wisdom whose name you are no doubt mispronouncing in your head as you read this”
Emile Bronte once said, “The tyrant grinds down his
slaves and they don't turn against him, they crush those beneath them.”
Des: Modre, what does that
have to do with football?
Modre: Nothing at all. I just
like to instigate class warfare.
Des: That comment suggests
something new and different about your character, Modre. But I’m not sure that
it makes you in any way more likable or relatable. Although neither are exactly
common attributes of the participants of this blog. Doctor McChesty. How will the Bears do today?
Sally: The Panthers’ run
defense is every bit as bad as the Bears, and Cam Newton is a shadow of his
former self, but any team coached by former Bear Ron Rivera should never be
counted out.
Des: Doctor McChesty, how are
you adjusting to your new role as the slightly less eccentric Concord Peabody?
Sally: Oh! Uh, Bears win
73-0.
Des: Drunky McDumbAss. Paint
a picture with a Technicolor yawn.
Drunky: (Oh, that’s good
Thunderbird.) Well, uhhhhhh…. Des… I was just sharing my, uhhhh…. liquid wisdom, if you will, about a variety of,
um topics and interests, all of which
end with “Fire Mel Tucker.”
Des: A sentiment shared by
many whose blood alcohol content is 1000 times less lethal than yours, Drunky.
Would you welcome, rarely recurring character, Des-boy?
Des-boy: Des, for a man who consistently
condemns the NFL for allowing the nation’s capitol’s football team to be named
after a racial slur, you sure do like to populate your blog with nuthin’ but
stereotypes. Now that you’ve filled me with incoherent rage, I’m gonna go enjoy
some corn squeezins’ while flipping back and forth between the Charlotte
Panthers and the NASCAR. We welcome the Chicago Bears as they descend south of
the Mason-Dixon line for three straight weeks into a world they never made.
Des: Prissy Minion. End this.
End it now.
Prissy: Des, your agile
comedic ramblings, and seductive lyric scenarios, combined with your quantifiable
“poetrics”, as I like to call them, can only lead to one conclusion for the
viewer: this is a sleek comedic love fest that’s also a much needed repeated
shot to the solar plexus of pop culture… or would be, if you had more than 10
readers, all of whom are from former, soon to be future, Soviet republics.
Des: Ouch! Uh… (boo, hoo,
hoo). Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a match
previewed on web sites that are inexplicably covered with ads for Tea Party
candidates, veal, and nuclear power.
