Bears vs. Packers: September 9, 2018

Redbeard: ARRRRHHHH... mateys! This entry be naught but a placeholder or, mayhap, the fulfillment of Des's unquenchable need to scratch an itch that be enflamed, enflambe, as it were, by a mosquito of compulsive prediction generated a data set that exists from naught but visitations from various aquatic deities and imagined physical ailments. Des, be ye familiar with a recent radio ad in which the spokesperson informed us all that "Life is nothing but the accumulation of chronic conditions?"

Des: No, but I would immediately and eternally boycott the product in question, if I ever heard that ad on the radio. Or ever listened to the radio. Which I don't.

Redbeard: That be truly, richly ironic, Des, given that the existence of my pirate character, nay, this very blog, stems from your overnight radio show on WKDI in DeKalb, Illinois, from January to April of 1988.

Des: Yeah, the number of regular readers of this blog, which is 14, exceeded our entire radio audience. Although 12 of them are Russian bots. I think the data they mined from our website somehow enabled Putin to capture Wisconsin's Electoral College votes for Trump.

Redbeard: Aye, the anti-Clinton attack ads the Trump campaign derived from this blog were truly frightening. But I digress. Behold my prediction for the Bears this season: The Bears will defeat the Giants. That is all.

Bears vs. Panthers: 10-5-2014

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Carolina Panthers after a really embarrassing loss against the arch nemesis Green Bay Packers. Which Bears team will show up at Bank of America Stadium? Will it be the team that dominated the 49ers and Jets with competent quarterbacking, adhesive receivers, and acceptable defense? Or will it be last week’s team of panicky passing, numerous turnovers, and AWOL defense?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Baby Doc” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Drunky McDumbAss, and southern fried corn-poke Cornelius Van Robert E. Lee Des-boy.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! In the 12 years that we’ve been together in this pre-game cavalcade, we’ve never once answered - - or even acknowledged - - the opening question. This streak comes to an end. Your question requires a two part answer, Des. For the first quarter, you will see Team A… the one with the skillful, patient, accurate Jay Cutler; the focused, agile receivers; and defensive players who may occasionally execute a block or tackle. All of those players will be carted off the field due to injuries during the second quarter, and that’s when you’ll see Team B.

Des: Modre. The bottle is pointing at you.

Modre: “Font of Western wisdom whose name you are no doubt mispronouncing in your head as you read this” Emile Bronte once said, “The tyrant grinds down his slaves and they don't turn against him, they crush those beneath them.”

Des: Modre, what does that have to do with football?

Modre: Nothing at all. I just like to instigate class warfare.

Des: That comment suggests something new and different about your character, Modre. But I’m not sure that it makes you in any way more likable or relatable. Although neither are exactly common attributes of the participants of this blog. Doctor McChesty.  How will the Bears do today?

Sally: The Panthers’ run defense is every bit as bad as the Bears, and Cam Newton is a shadow of his former self, but any team coached by former Bear Ron Rivera should never be counted out.

Des: Doctor McChesty, how are you adjusting to your new role as the slightly less eccentric Concord Peabody?

Sally: Oh! Uh, Bears win 73-0.

Des: Drunky McDumbAss. Paint a picture with a Technicolor yawn.

Drunky: (Oh, that’s good Thunderbird.) Well, uhhhhhh…. Des… I was just sharing my, uhhhh…. liquid wisdom, if you will, about a variety of, um topics and interests, all of which end with “Fire Mel Tucker.”

Des: A sentiment shared by many whose blood alcohol content is 1000 times less lethal than yours, Drunky. Would you welcome, rarely recurring character, Des-boy?

Des-boy: Des, for a man who consistently condemns the NFL for allowing the nation’s capitol’s football team to be named after a racial slur, you sure do like to populate your blog with nuthin’ but stereotypes. Now that you’ve filled me with incoherent rage, I’m gonna go enjoy some corn squeezins’ while flipping back and forth between the Charlotte Panthers and the NASCAR. We welcome the Chicago Bears as they descend south of the Mason-Dixon line for three straight weeks into a world they never made.

Des: Prissy Minion. End this. End it now.

Prissy: Des, your agile comedic ramblings, and seductive lyric scenarios, combined with your quantifiable “poetrics”, as I like to call them, can only lead to one conclusion for the viewer: this is a sleek comedic love fest that’s also a much needed repeated shot to the solar plexus of pop culture… or would be, if you had more than 10 readers, all of whom are from former, soon to be future, Soviet republics.

Des: Ouch! Uh… (boo, hoo, hoo). Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a match previewed on web sites that are inexplicably covered with ads for Tea Party candidates, veal, and nuclear power.

Bears vs. Steelers: 9-22-13

BEARS VS. STEELERS: 9-22-13


Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Pittsburgh Steelers in a game televised against the meth-fueled majesty of Breaking Bad. Will Jay Cutler display the cold-blooded ruthlessness of Heisenberg? Or the perplexed haplessness of Hal?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Tortuga” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, and famed sentinel of liberty, Captain America.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! The Russian government be accusin’ Greenpeace of piracy for tryin’ to board an offshore drilling platform owned by the state-owned natural gas company Gazprom. This only goes to show how watered down the concept of piracy has become when a boatload of hippies can be placed in the horrible company of dark legends such as Blackbeard, Calico Jack, and yours truly, Redbeard. Like everyone over the age of 40, I blame the decline of everything I value on the internet. The word “piracy” lost all meaning when music nerds who downloaded music without paying for it were called “pirates”. The lame-stream media utterly destroyed a brand we took centuries to build as a symbol of unrelenting evil with pointlessly horrific acts such as cutting off the lips of captives and serving them back to our prisoners as supper—which was a step up from what we fed the crew. By the way, Des, when I ordered me cabin boy to do internet research to craft this seemingly random tirade, do you know what appears at the top of the list when he performed a Google Search for “infamous people in history”? “Women in American History.” Think about it, won’t you?
Des: All valid complaints, Captain, but what does this have to do with the Bears?

SR: Nothing at all, ye wretched land-lubber! There be nothing really to mock about the Bears or Steelers right now. Chicago performed a solid, if unremarkable, game last week. Ben Roethlisberger hasn’t done anything reprehensible in the past couple of days. I leave it to the rest of your pitiful panel to somehow make forced comparisons to Breaking Bad.

Des: Let’s see what they come up with. Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

CWS: Well, the Steelers use a 3-4 defense instead of a Cover 2 configuration, they have defensive linemen who weigh 320, 300, and 285 pounds, and Devin Hester has only run one yard on two punt returns this year. That said, the Bears will have a breakout game and emerge victorious 38-10.

Des: Modre! Bedazzle us with your brain-scalding insights.

Modre: La familia es todo.
Des: If that weren’t a Breaking Bad reference, you would be almost comforting. Doctor Sally McChesty. Allow me to provide you with a really awkward joke set-up: “So, Doctor McChesty, I understand that you have created a montage of Bears clips that tie into a popular TV show or movie as Fox has often done with 24 or Star Wars.”

SMC: That’s right, Des, I’ve taken crucial plays from Bears games and put them to quotes from Breaking Bad. Here’s Brian Urlacher tackling a running back: “Stay out of my territory.” Now here’s Brian Urlacher sacking a quarterback: “I’m the one who knocks.” Here’s the defensive line huddling up: “No more half measures.” Finally, here’s my favorite: another quarterback flattened by Urlacher with the tag line “Shut the f--- up and let me die in peace.”

Des: Somehow, I don’t think the NFL is going to be ready for a promo that ties into the horribly violent world of methamphetamine dealing. Plus, Brian Urlacher retired. Finally, for no logical reason at all, here’s Captain America:

CA: This isn’t the America I remember. This isn’t the America I remember at all.

Des: Uh, sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will cause multitudes of football widows to run screaming into the arms of Devious Maids.