BEARS VS. STEELERS: 9-22-13
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Pittsburgh Steelers in a game televised against the meth-fueled majesty of Breaking Bad. Will Jay Cutler display the cold-blooded ruthlessness of Heisenberg? Or the perplexed haplessness of Hal?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Tortuga” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, and famed sentinel of liberty, Captain America.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! The Russian government be accusin’ Greenpeace of piracy for tryin’ to board an offshore drilling platform owned by the state-owned natural gas company Gazprom. This only goes to show how watered down the concept of piracy has become when a boatload of hippies can be placed in the horrible company of dark legends such as Blackbeard, Calico Jack, and yours truly, Redbeard. Like everyone over the age of 40, I blame the decline of everything I value on the internet. The word “piracy” lost all meaning when music nerds who downloaded music without paying for it were called “pirates”. The lame-stream media utterly destroyed a brand we took centuries to build as a symbol of unrelenting evil with pointlessly horrific acts such as cutting off the lips of captives and serving them back to our prisoners as supper—which was a step up from what we fed the crew. By the way, Des, when I ordered me cabin boy to do internet research to craft this seemingly random tirade, do you know what appears at the top of the list when he performed a Google Search for “infamous people in history”? “Women in American History.” Think about it, won’t you?
Des: All valid complaints, Captain, but what does this have to do with the Bears?
SR: Nothing at all, ye wretched land-lubber! There be nothing really to mock about the Bears or Steelers right now. Chicago performed a solid, if unremarkable, game last week. Ben Roethlisberger hasn’t done anything reprehensible in the past couple of days. I leave it to the rest of your pitiful panel to somehow make forced comparisons to Breaking Bad.
Des: Let’s see what they come up with. Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?
CWS: Well, the Steelers use a 3-4 defense instead of a Cover 2 configuration, they have defensive linemen who weigh 320, 300, and 285 pounds, and Devin Hester has only run one yard on two punt returns this year. That said, the Bears will have a breakout game and emerge victorious 38-10.
Des: Modre! Bedazzle us with your brain-scalding insights.
Modre: La familia es todo.
Des: If that weren’t a Breaking Bad reference, you would be almost comforting. Doctor Sally McChesty. Allow me to provide you with a really awkward joke set-up: “So, Doctor McChesty, I understand that you have created a montage of Bears clips that tie into a popular TV show or movie as Fox has often done with 24 or Star Wars.”
SMC: That’s right, Des, I’ve taken crucial plays from Bears games and put them to quotes from Breaking Bad. Here’s Brian Urlacher tackling a running back: “Stay out of my territory.” Now here’s Brian Urlacher sacking a quarterback: “I’m the one who knocks.” Here’s the defensive line huddling up: “No more half measures.” Finally, here’s my favorite: another quarterback flattened by Urlacher with the tag line “Shut the f--- up and let me die in peace.”
Des: Somehow, I don’t think the NFL is going to be ready for a promo that ties into the horribly violent world of methamphetamine dealing. Plus, Brian Urlacher retired. Finally, for no logical reason at all, here’s Captain America:
CA: This isn’t the America I remember. This isn’t the America I remember at all.
Des: Uh, sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will cause multitudes of football widows to run screaming into the arms of Devious Maids.
Showing posts with label Devin Hester. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Devin Hester. Show all posts
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Bears vs. Packers: 1-23-11
BEARS VS. PACKERS: 1-23-11
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football postseason pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Green Bay Packers, the only team that stands in the way of a third trip to the Super-bowl. Will the Packers use their magical cheese-head powers to upset the Bears? Or will the Bears and Jets fulfill the wildest fantasies of the NFL and Fox Network and deliver the largest TV audience for a Super-bowl ever? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody; Captain Silas Charles "The Blue Raja" Redbeard; Modre the trans-Western mystic; the Prissy Minion; and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunk McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRRRGGGHHHHH, mateys! The South Korean Navy stole me hijacked freighter in a rout that was almost as embarrassing as the time Richie Rich tricked me into trading me decrepit vessel for a boat made of solid gold that promptly sank to the bottom of the ocean. This week’s solid-gold boat will be the Green Bay Packers, whom I predict will lose by 10 points.
Des: Thank you, Captain. Modre, what wisdom do you have for us?
Modre: James M. Barrie once said, “Life is a long lesson in humility.” However, this is not a lesson the Bears will learn today. Bears win by 20 points.
Des: Concord Peabody, what's your Victory Factor for today’s Bears game?
CP: Des, if you multiply the number of kicking return touchdowns by Devin Hester by the number of rushing and passing yards by Matt Forte and then divide that by the number of jokes Frank Caliendo still makes about Brett Favre, you get a Victory Factor of 531.8008, which, if you type that number into your calculator, and turn it upside-down, equals a good time for the Bears, who will win by 36 points.
Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. How are things in Tailgate Land?
DMD: Well, Des, the latest Miller Lite commercial warns us not to wear sunglasses at night. I applaud the Miller Brewing Company for being proactive and preventing a recurrence of the scourge that decimated so many lives in the 1980s. Also, I predict that this game will be a nail-biter, with the Bears winning by a well-timed 4th quarter safety, causing a massive swarming of Soldier Field by Bears fans led by me, the alcoholic Pied Piper. I’m pretty sure that I will escape any criminal charges for that action… but not for the numerous other celebration-related crimes that will immediately follow.
Des: Prissy Minion, how do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your humor follows the same winning strategy as the Bears… very, very defensive. The Bears will win by 7 points.
Des: Sit back and watch in a hypothermic coma as the Bears face off in an ice bowl match-up that will lead to either a Super-bowl between two very large, awesome urban metropoli, or a contest between two insignificant, dying Rust Belt hamlets. If you're Fox Sports or Las Vegas, it’s obvious how you want fix this game: Bears win by 14.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football postseason pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Green Bay Packers, the only team that stands in the way of a third trip to the Super-bowl. Will the Packers use their magical cheese-head powers to upset the Bears? Or will the Bears and Jets fulfill the wildest fantasies of the NFL and Fox Network and deliver the largest TV audience for a Super-bowl ever? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody; Captain Silas Charles "The Blue Raja" Redbeard; Modre the trans-Western mystic; the Prissy Minion; and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunk McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRRRGGGHHHHH, mateys! The South Korean Navy stole me hijacked freighter in a rout that was almost as embarrassing as the time Richie Rich tricked me into trading me decrepit vessel for a boat made of solid gold that promptly sank to the bottom of the ocean. This week’s solid-gold boat will be the Green Bay Packers, whom I predict will lose by 10 points.
Des: Thank you, Captain. Modre, what wisdom do you have for us?
Modre: James M. Barrie once said, “Life is a long lesson in humility.” However, this is not a lesson the Bears will learn today. Bears win by 20 points.
Des: Concord Peabody, what's your Victory Factor for today’s Bears game?
CP: Des, if you multiply the number of kicking return touchdowns by Devin Hester by the number of rushing and passing yards by Matt Forte and then divide that by the number of jokes Frank Caliendo still makes about Brett Favre, you get a Victory Factor of 531.8008, which, if you type that number into your calculator, and turn it upside-down, equals a good time for the Bears, who will win by 36 points.
Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. How are things in Tailgate Land?
DMD: Well, Des, the latest Miller Lite commercial warns us not to wear sunglasses at night. I applaud the Miller Brewing Company for being proactive and preventing a recurrence of the scourge that decimated so many lives in the 1980s. Also, I predict that this game will be a nail-biter, with the Bears winning by a well-timed 4th quarter safety, causing a massive swarming of Soldier Field by Bears fans led by me, the alcoholic Pied Piper. I’m pretty sure that I will escape any criminal charges for that action… but not for the numerous other celebration-related crimes that will immediately follow.
Des: Prissy Minion, how do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your humor follows the same winning strategy as the Bears… very, very defensive. The Bears will win by 7 points.
Des: Sit back and watch in a hypothermic coma as the Bears face off in an ice bowl match-up that will lead to either a Super-bowl between two very large, awesome urban metropoli, or a contest between two insignificant, dying Rust Belt hamlets. If you're Fox Sports or Las Vegas, it’s obvious how you want fix this game: Bears win by 14.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Bears vs. Vikings: 11-14-10
BEARS VS. VIKINGS: 11-14-10
Des: Welcome to the second edition of the Chicago Bears football post-game show. The Bears drove Brett Favre several steps closer to retirement and nudged the Vikings closer to post-season elimination. Were the sudden re-emergence of Devin Hester and a rejuvenated defense the keys to victory? And will the Bears use these keys to further scratch the paint off the lackluster Miami Dolphins? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Homo Mermanus” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Brett Favre is beginning to take on the ancient countenance of Father Neptune himself. But that be not enough to save him versus the Green Bay Packers!
Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. Any observations from tailgate land?
DMD: Unfortunately, Des. I passed out after the first kickoff and somehow found myself inside that gyrating giant egg driving simulator you see in those Lexus commercials. That did not help my booze-induced bed spins.
Des: Modre. What were the Bears’ keys to victory?
Modre: I imagine that right now, you're feeling a bit like Alice. Hmm? Tumbling down the rabbit hole?
Des: Are you referring to the Bears’ inconsistent performance this season, or some other, deeper truth?
Modre: I’m like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad.
Des: Never mind. Concord Peabody. Any irrelevant stats you want to share?
CWP: If you plug in the quarterback rating of Brett Favre, the rushing yardage of Jay Cutler, and the turnover ratio of the Bears into a mathematical matrix, you get the square root of infinity multiplied by love. You also get the Concord Peabody Victory Factor of 9.7 for the Bears.
Des: Is this Victory Factor a 9.7 out of some actual number, like 10?
CWP: Not really.
Des: Why am I not surprised? Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your football blog posts are like a tap dance of laughter on the grave of eternal sadness.
Des: Uh, sit back and watch on your Dick Tracy wristwatch TV screens… which is what we all should be using instead of your various I-things and Droids and what have you…how could Chester Gould be so wrong?!? Anyway, sit back and watch on that… thing as the Bears face off in a rivalry as ancient as that of Dick Tracy versus Flat-top… and, hopefully, just as violent.
Des: Welcome to the second edition of the Chicago Bears football post-game show. The Bears drove Brett Favre several steps closer to retirement and nudged the Vikings closer to post-season elimination. Were the sudden re-emergence of Devin Hester and a rejuvenated defense the keys to victory? And will the Bears use these keys to further scratch the paint off the lackluster Miami Dolphins? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Homo Mermanus” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Brett Favre is beginning to take on the ancient countenance of Father Neptune himself. But that be not enough to save him versus the Green Bay Packers!
Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. Any observations from tailgate land?
DMD: Unfortunately, Des. I passed out after the first kickoff and somehow found myself inside that gyrating giant egg driving simulator you see in those Lexus commercials. That did not help my booze-induced bed spins.
Des: Modre. What were the Bears’ keys to victory?
Modre: I imagine that right now, you're feeling a bit like Alice. Hmm? Tumbling down the rabbit hole?
Des: Are you referring to the Bears’ inconsistent performance this season, or some other, deeper truth?
Modre: I’m like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad.
Des: Never mind. Concord Peabody. Any irrelevant stats you want to share?
CWP: If you plug in the quarterback rating of Brett Favre, the rushing yardage of Jay Cutler, and the turnover ratio of the Bears into a mathematical matrix, you get the square root of infinity multiplied by love. You also get the Concord Peabody Victory Factor of 9.7 for the Bears.
Des: Is this Victory Factor a 9.7 out of some actual number, like 10?
CWP: Not really.
Des: Why am I not surprised? Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your football blog posts are like a tap dance of laughter on the grave of eternal sadness.
Des: Uh, sit back and watch on your Dick Tracy wristwatch TV screens… which is what we all should be using instead of your various I-things and Droids and what have you…how could Chester Gould be so wrong?!? Anyway, sit back and watch on that… thing as the Bears face off in a rivalry as ancient as that of Dick Tracy versus Flat-top… and, hopefully, just as violent.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Bears vs. Eagles: 11-22-09
BEARS VS. EAGLES: 11-22-09
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Eagles on a Sunday night game, after a heart-breaking loss to Mike Singletary’s 49ers. Will the Bears redeem themselves in front of another national audience? Or will Keith Olbermann proclaim Jerry Angelo "The Worst Person in the World"?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Shave and a Haircut” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and famed deceased author Aldous Huxley.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! The only way that quarterback Jay Cutler could be more obvious in his play calling would be if he were using signaling flags. Here’s some ideas of signaling flags the Bears might want to use now: “Foxtrot: disabled” or “x-ray: stop your intention” or “Juliette: On Fire, keep clear”. Devin Hester might want to use: “LO- I am not in my correct position.” or “ZL- Your signal has been received but is not understood.” Matt Forte could use: “RU- keep clear of me; I am maneuvering with difficulty.” Lovie Smith should use: “DV- I am drifting” or “JL- I am running the risk of going aground.” This is Frank Caliendo, and my “upset special” is the Tampa Bay Buccaneers defeating the New Orleans Saints.
Des: Yeah, thanks, Captain. Modre. What should the Bears do?
Modre: I am depressed that I failed to refer to “Samurai” Mike Singletary last week.
Des: Aldous Huxley. Your thoughts.
AH: Ford’s in a flivver! Sucks to your ass-mar! Molly Ringwald is so… pneumatic!
Des: Okay, then. Prissy Minion. What bizarre compliment do you have for me this week?
PM: Oh, Des. The cosine squared of your obscure references plus the sine squared of your well-timed delivery equals one satisfied customer.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game brought to you by "V: the Visitors", starring Morena Baccarin, who was obviously modeled after Hillary Clinton in that they are both women.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Eagles on a Sunday night game, after a heart-breaking loss to Mike Singletary’s 49ers. Will the Bears redeem themselves in front of another national audience? Or will Keith Olbermann proclaim Jerry Angelo "The Worst Person in the World"?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Shave and a Haircut” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and famed deceased author Aldous Huxley.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! The only way that quarterback Jay Cutler could be more obvious in his play calling would be if he were using signaling flags. Here’s some ideas of signaling flags the Bears might want to use now: “Foxtrot: disabled” or “x-ray: stop your intention” or “Juliette: On Fire, keep clear”. Devin Hester might want to use: “LO- I am not in my correct position.” or “ZL- Your signal has been received but is not understood.” Matt Forte could use: “RU- keep clear of me; I am maneuvering with difficulty.” Lovie Smith should use: “DV- I am drifting” or “JL- I am running the risk of going aground.” This is Frank Caliendo, and my “upset special” is the Tampa Bay Buccaneers defeating the New Orleans Saints.
Des: Yeah, thanks, Captain. Modre. What should the Bears do?
Modre: I am depressed that I failed to refer to “Samurai” Mike Singletary last week.
Des: Aldous Huxley. Your thoughts.
AH: Ford’s in a flivver! Sucks to your ass-mar! Molly Ringwald is so… pneumatic!
Des: Okay, then. Prissy Minion. What bizarre compliment do you have for me this week?
PM: Oh, Des. The cosine squared of your obscure references plus the sine squared of your well-timed delivery equals one satisfied customer.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game brought to you by "V: the Visitors", starring Morena Baccarin, who was obviously modeled after Hillary Clinton in that they are both women.
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