BEARS VS. LIONS: 9-29-13
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the team that may surprisingly prove to be their greatest challenge so far: the resurgent Detroit Lions. Will the Bears repeat last week’s winning formula of an unexpectedly strong offensive line, competent passing, and a turnover-factory defense? Or will the Lions’ winning streak continue to justify closing every public school in Detroit to finance their sports teams?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Kid Charlemagne” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and Doctor Sally “Muffin” McChesty.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! By using what today’s kids call “Molly”, which I presume can only be shorthand for injections of “molluscum contagiosum” or “water warts”, to shatter the confines of space-time and linear thought to pierce the astral plane, I successfully stole the Tablets of Destiny from ancient Babylonian deity Marduk to avenge the death of my favored sea goddess Tiamat. But of far greater importance is that they revealed to me the Chum Bucket of the NFL: i.e. the team that will fail to win a single game this season: At this moment, there be 5 teams that share the dishonor of being winless so far: the Steelers, Jaguars, Giants, Redskins, Vikings, and Buccaneers. Which one be the most doomed to ignominious failure? ‘Tis the Washington Redskins, yet another victim of the Curse of Redbeard—and, no, this does not refer to the disfiguring skin condition of the same name—nay, this be the black mark that I lay upon the team that offends me in some deep seeded and deep seated way. The Curse of Redbeard is so profoundly afflicting that it can ne’er be reversed, not e’en by yours truly. Ask the Chicago Cubs! They will, of course, deny it with all the strength their broken souls will allow, for to even speak of the Curse of Redbeard is to prolong it for uncounted millennia. Returning to the Redskins, ye might think that I cursed them because they are the most racist thing associated with the NFL besides Modre...
Modre: Gaijin!
SR: ...but ye’d be sadly mistaken! Nay, my unyielding anger towards the Redskins derives solely from the actions of the team’s owner Dan Snyder, who beat me to the punch of attaining eternal youth by purchasing the Dick Clark Television Production Company. Not only does he gain the secret of eternal youth, but he also gains control of time itself, for through his purchase of the DCTPC, he also owns Dick Clark’s Rockin’ New Years’ Eve. By possessing this gem, he controls the Baby New Year, a prize that has eluded many other super-villians, including the legendary vulture Eon. Also, somewhat ironically, he made his billions by being the first to telemarket immigrants to the U.S.
Des: I shudder at the thought of those poor souls who are playing the “Captain Redbeard’s Unrelated References Drinking Game.” Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?
CWP: Well, I was shocked that I actually underestimated the Bears’ score last week when I predicted the Bears would beat the Steelers: 38-10. (They won 40-23). I won’t repeat that mistake this week: Bears win 460 to 273.
Des: Wait... Concord, did you come up with those scores by using the absolute values of the absolute zeroes from the Rankine and Kelvin scales, as converted to the Fahrenheit and Celsius scales, respectively?
CWP: Uh... yeah, Des. Well done.
Des: Thank you, Concord. So, Doctor McChesty: Do you have yet another bring down preach-fest about the evils of the NFL and of sports media in general?
SMC: No, Des. To be fair, the NFL hasn’t built a new soccer stadium in the Amazon rain forest that will later be converted into a giant prison after the World Cup has been played or built another World Cup stadium in Qatar using Nepalese migrant slave labor. Yet.
Des: Now that we have once again abandoned the pretense of talking about the Bears at all, why don’t you finish things off, Prissy Minion?
PM: Des, your Bears posts have a captivating retro-future aesthetic that makes this website the most dazzling blog endeavor of 2013!
Des: Prissy, I don’t know how to respond to that, except to completely ignore it. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will be much less painful than watching another five teams get into the playoffs by beating the Cubs!
Showing posts with label Rudolph. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Rudolph. Show all posts
Saturday, September 28, 2013
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Bears vs. Seahawks: 12-2-2012
BEARS VS. SEAHAWKS: 12-2-2012
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Seahawks after a mighty drubbing of the Minnesota Vikings. Will the Bears build on this triumph to shellac another hapless team, or will this prove to be a trap game that results in every franchise Bears player getting injured? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Sea Doggie Dogg” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, Sally McChesty, and Mr. 0.5 himself, Drunky McDumbAss.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Much like last week, ye might falsely assume that I’d be blindly supporting the Seahawks, because they have the word “sea” as part of their name, and so I’d spasmodically slap my one good hand into me hook like a seal flapping its flippers, but, nay! There be nothing I can support about Seattle other than it’s presumably an easy town for ocean-based looting if the stereotypes about lethargic, apathetic Seattle grunge slackers from the 1990s still ring true today, like the music of Soundgarden still serves as me person anthem! There be nothing wrong about songs that sound like 6 to 10 minutes of just… intro! That be how I drove many coastal towns into surrender, by just parking a fleet of ships proudly waving the Jolly Roger, and staring menacingly at the land-lubbers until they’d give into our demands just to make us leave. That and playing Soundgarden loudly through our concert stadium speakers for 96 consecutive hours. Speaking of Bears football, which I started talking about when I first opened this case of Jamaican rum, which I’m just now finishing… uh, anyway… that’s what the Bears defense needs to win, an endless loop of Soundgarden, which is itself an endless loop, so you have a nice exponential multiplier effect of despair happening… but there’s probably a pretty substantial penalty for this musical crime against humanity, like a 50 fathom penalty, and an automatic keel-hauling.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s game?
CWP: Well, Des, the Seahawks have the strong cornerback duo of Richard Sherman and Brandon Bower, Matt Forte’s ankle is still banged up, and Jay Cutler is under the pitiless glare of the media spotlight. That said, the Bears will still emerge on top 58-10 at the end of the first quarter.
Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. How are things going in tailgate land?
DMD: Des, I just spent the night shirtless while two men flanked me on both sides yelling insults at me, wiping me down while I’m eating painfully hot wings and knocking back some smooth drinking Bud Light, but I’m 100% hetero. There’s nothing wrong with a little manly humiliation. Just ask my imaginary ex-girlfriend.
Des: So, wait, Drunky… the best you can imagine for yourself is an ex-girlfriend?
DMD: I have self-esteem issues.
Des: Sally McChesty, we sent you down to a “Toys for Tots” event featuring former NFL legend Ron Shambles. How did it go?
SMC: Usually, Des, there’s nothing like a good Christmas-oriented photo op of yourself giving gifts to children to wipe away the normally indelible stains of one’s numerous crimes against property, basic human decency, and war orphans. Unless you go on a steroid fueled rampage and use your size 20 work boots to grind into dust some action figures of your own teammates. Which is what Ron Shambles did today at the Ronald McDonald House.
Des: Modre. Would you like to chime in here?
Modre: Are you referring to the “clanging chimes of doom” mentioned in your holiday flavor-ite Do They Know it’s Christmas? To answer that question, Des, I know all too well, my unenlightened yuletide besotted friend. All too well.
Des: Prissy Minion. What chalkboard-scraping praise do you have to bestow upon me this first weekend of December?
PM: Des, your Christmas episodes bring you to the depths of George Bailey on the bridge, Charlie Brown’s dead tree, shunned Rudolph, dead Tiny Tim, and melted Frosty sadness, but then bring us back to the joyous heights of Zu-Zu’s petals, Linus’s blanket, Santa’s acceptance (because Rudolph was briefly useful), the winter breeze that restored Frosty, and naked dancing Scrooge. You breathe new life into a depleted Christmas genre.
Des: Wait... naked, dancing Scrooge? I’ll have to think about, and then repress, that for a while… sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game as magical as Bad Santa. And I mean that with no trace of irony.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Seahawks after a mighty drubbing of the Minnesota Vikings. Will the Bears build on this triumph to shellac another hapless team, or will this prove to be a trap game that results in every franchise Bears player getting injured? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Sea Doggie Dogg” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, Sally McChesty, and Mr. 0.5 himself, Drunky McDumbAss.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Much like last week, ye might falsely assume that I’d be blindly supporting the Seahawks, because they have the word “sea” as part of their name, and so I’d spasmodically slap my one good hand into me hook like a seal flapping its flippers, but, nay! There be nothing I can support about Seattle other than it’s presumably an easy town for ocean-based looting if the stereotypes about lethargic, apathetic Seattle grunge slackers from the 1990s still ring true today, like the music of Soundgarden still serves as me person anthem! There be nothing wrong about songs that sound like 6 to 10 minutes of just… intro! That be how I drove many coastal towns into surrender, by just parking a fleet of ships proudly waving the Jolly Roger, and staring menacingly at the land-lubbers until they’d give into our demands just to make us leave. That and playing Soundgarden loudly through our concert stadium speakers for 96 consecutive hours. Speaking of Bears football, which I started talking about when I first opened this case of Jamaican rum, which I’m just now finishing… uh, anyway… that’s what the Bears defense needs to win, an endless loop of Soundgarden, which is itself an endless loop, so you have a nice exponential multiplier effect of despair happening… but there’s probably a pretty substantial penalty for this musical crime against humanity, like a 50 fathom penalty, and an automatic keel-hauling.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s game?
CWP: Well, Des, the Seahawks have the strong cornerback duo of Richard Sherman and Brandon Bower, Matt Forte’s ankle is still banged up, and Jay Cutler is under the pitiless glare of the media spotlight. That said, the Bears will still emerge on top 58-10 at the end of the first quarter.
Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. How are things going in tailgate land?
DMD: Des, I just spent the night shirtless while two men flanked me on both sides yelling insults at me, wiping me down while I’m eating painfully hot wings and knocking back some smooth drinking Bud Light, but I’m 100% hetero. There’s nothing wrong with a little manly humiliation. Just ask my imaginary ex-girlfriend.
Des: So, wait, Drunky… the best you can imagine for yourself is an ex-girlfriend?
DMD: I have self-esteem issues.
Des: Sally McChesty, we sent you down to a “Toys for Tots” event featuring former NFL legend Ron Shambles. How did it go?
SMC: Usually, Des, there’s nothing like a good Christmas-oriented photo op of yourself giving gifts to children to wipe away the normally indelible stains of one’s numerous crimes against property, basic human decency, and war orphans. Unless you go on a steroid fueled rampage and use your size 20 work boots to grind into dust some action figures of your own teammates. Which is what Ron Shambles did today at the Ronald McDonald House.
Des: Modre. Would you like to chime in here?
Modre: Are you referring to the “clanging chimes of doom” mentioned in your holiday flavor-ite Do They Know it’s Christmas? To answer that question, Des, I know all too well, my unenlightened yuletide besotted friend. All too well.
Des: Prissy Minion. What chalkboard-scraping praise do you have to bestow upon me this first weekend of December?
PM: Des, your Christmas episodes bring you to the depths of George Bailey on the bridge, Charlie Brown’s dead tree, shunned Rudolph, dead Tiny Tim, and melted Frosty sadness, but then bring us back to the joyous heights of Zu-Zu’s petals, Linus’s blanket, Santa’s acceptance (because Rudolph was briefly useful), the winter breeze that restored Frosty, and naked dancing Scrooge. You breathe new life into a depleted Christmas genre.
Des: Wait... naked, dancing Scrooge? I’ll have to think about, and then repress, that for a while… sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game as magical as Bad Santa. And I mean that with no trace of irony.
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