Bears vs. Giants: 10-10-2013

BEARS VS. GIANTS: 10-10-13


Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the New York Giants after two consecutive losses in a game featuring the NFL’s two biggest television markets. Will the Bears take advantage of this opportunity to soundly defeat one of the NFL’s worst teams? Or will this match prove to be the opening salvo of a chain of 11 successive wins for the Giants, leading to what future sports historians will call “the Manning Bowl”?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Joseph Steel” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and Doctor Sally Djugashvili McChesty.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Normally, I’d be wasting everybody’s time by giving ye worthless gambling tips on various upcoming football games, but if ye really want to make a killing, I’d start trading in your US Treasury bills for Confederate War Bonds. A week from today, they’ll be worth a lot more.

A special tip to Captain Redbeard’s Secret Society of Drunken Piracy: the preceding rant was a hidden prediction that Obama will assume dictatorial powers under the obscure provision of the 14th amendment that compels the US government to honor its debt. Not e’en the darkest ramblings of Glenn Beck will see this one coming! If I be wrong about this, I have a Plan B: I have already offered me services as a privateer to America’s four biggest creditors to start seizing its assets with the standard techniques of plunder and booty! These creditors be China, Japan, the United Kingdom, and the Social Security Trust Fund.

Des: Of the various predictions you make, Captain, I hate your political ones the most. Modre. Since I presume that you will be our new mandarin next Thursday, what advice do you have for us from our new overlords, the Chinese?

Modre: The moving walkway is now ending. Please look down. The moving walkway is now ending. Please look down. The moving walkway is now ending. Please look down.

Des: Thank you, Modre. Concord Peabody. Would you please, please, please distract us with some irrelevant football statistics?

CWP: That would be my pleasure, Des. The Bears played one solid quarter of football against the Saints, scoring 8 points 4th quarter. I predict the Bears will improve to having two good quarters of football, defeating the Giants 16-6.

Des: So, Doctor McChesty, what do you have for us?

SMC: Des, I no longer have time to contribute to your pathetic blog. I’ve been chosen to serve as the Deputy Director of Death Panels for the Great Lakes region. I’d stop having that twelve martini lunch if I were you.

Des: So. Three of our cast members serve as the collective second hand of America’s death clock. Where do you fit into this tapestry, Prissy?

PM: Des, “creative destruction” has always been your mantra.

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that may tear viewers away from Grey’s Anatomy, which...uh... is that show still on the air?!?

Bears vs. Cowboys: 9-19-10

BEARS VS. COWBOYS: 9-19-10

Des: Welcome to the first edition of the Chicago Bears football post-game show. The Bears upset the Dallas Cowboys, a team many experts picked to go to the Super-bowl this year. And by “experts”, I mean one drunk guy in a stench-ridden dive. What were the Bears’ “Keys to Victory”, brought to you by General Motors? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Chick Repellant” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! I’ll tell ye what General Motors’ Key to Victory is: massive government bailouts. (Long pause) What? That joke slayed many a land-lubber on the Glenn Beck Show yesterday.

Des: Thanks, Captain. Timely commentary, as always. Drunky McDumb-Ass. What did you see on last Sunday’s game?

DMD: Des, sorry to say, I was passed out drunk after eating sixteen Jello shots off of my massive, massive tummy. Uh, I mean stomach! Gut! Flesh kegger!

Des: Modre. How will the Bears do against Green Bay?

Modre: The answer is out there, Des, and it's looking for you, and it will find you if you want it to.

Des: O…Kay. Concord Peabody. What was the Bears’ key to victory?

CWP: Des, the Bears are 7-4 lifetime against teams who play in a stadium that costs more than the Gross Domestic Product of five former Soviet republics. Or five states in the American South. Go Bears!

Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?

PM: Oh, Des. Outdated political references + reworked Simpsons quotes + Matrix references = Pure comedic genius

Des: We hope you enjoyed the first ever Bears Redbeard Post-Game Show and please join us for this season’s first Bears Redbeard Pre-Game Show where we’ll light a cheese-head hat on fire to keep ourselves warm inside frozen Curly Lambeau Field.