BEARS VS. GIANTS: 10-10-13
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the New York Giants after two consecutive losses in a game featuring the NFL’s two biggest television markets. Will the Bears take advantage of this opportunity to soundly defeat one of the NFL’s worst teams? Or will this match prove to be the opening salvo of a chain of 11 successive wins for the Giants, leading to what future sports historians will call “the Manning Bowl”?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Joseph Steel” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and Doctor Sally Djugashvili McChesty.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Normally, I’d be wasting everybody’s time by giving ye worthless gambling tips on various upcoming football games, but if ye really want to make a killing, I’d start trading in your US Treasury bills for Confederate War Bonds. A week from today, they’ll be worth a lot more.
A special tip to Captain Redbeard’s Secret Society of Drunken Piracy: the preceding rant was a hidden prediction that Obama will assume dictatorial powers under the obscure provision of the 14th amendment that compels the US government to honor its debt. Not e’en the darkest ramblings of Glenn Beck will see this one coming! If I be wrong about this, I have a Plan B: I have already offered me services as a privateer to America’s four biggest creditors to start seizing its assets with the standard techniques of plunder and booty! These creditors be China, Japan, the United Kingdom, and the Social Security Trust Fund.
Des: Of the various predictions you make, Captain, I hate your political ones the most. Modre. Since I presume that you will be our new mandarin next Thursday, what advice do you have for us from our new overlords, the Chinese?
Modre: The moving walkway is now ending. Please look down. The moving walkway is now ending. Please look down. The moving walkway is now ending. Please look down.
Des: Thank you, Modre. Concord Peabody. Would you please, please, please distract us with some irrelevant football statistics?
CWP: That would be my pleasure, Des. The Bears played one solid quarter of football against the Saints, scoring 8 points 4th quarter. I predict the Bears will improve to having two good quarters of football, defeating the Giants 16-6.
Des: So, Doctor McChesty, what do you have for us?
SMC: Des, I no longer have time to contribute to your pathetic blog. I’ve been chosen to serve as the Deputy Director of Death Panels for the Great Lakes region. I’d stop having that twelve martini lunch if I were you.
Des: So. Three of our cast members serve as the collective second hand of America’s death clock. Where do you fit into this tapestry, Prissy?
PM: Des, “creative destruction” has always been your mantra.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that may tear viewers away from Grey’s Anatomy, which...uh... is that show still on the air?!?
Showing posts with label Stalin. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Stalin. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Bears vs. Titans: 11-4-2012
BEARS VS. TITANS: 11-4-12
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Tennessee Titans after a dangerously close game against the Carolina Panthers. Will the Bears manage to squeeze out another win against another lackluster team? Or will the Bears’ offensive woes, defensive miscues, and erratic field goal kicking create another October Surprise... in November? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “My Pal Foot-Foot” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, Sally McChesty, and special guest tailgater, Drunky McDumbAss.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! As the dark stormy clouds of the presidential electoral stormageddon hang heavily over us all, land-lubber and ocean warrior alike, let me take a moment to cackle with super-villain glee over the realization that, no matter who wins or loses, somebody is about to blow a billion dollars on a presidential campaign with nothing to show for it. AH, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HAAAAAA!!!!!!!! There be not a waste of money of this magnitude since I bought the complete set of statues of Lenin and Stalin from the former Warsaw Pact countries in 1989… if only I’d waited until their economies collapsed 20 years later! Parenthetically, Bears win 13-7.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s game?
CWP: Well, Des, Cutler tends to rely too heavily on Brandon Marshall, Cutler’s been sacked 25 times this season, and Matt Hasselbeck can occasionally be a good quarterback. That said, the Bears will still win 49 to 47… which will be the margin of victory for Obama versus Romney with 4% going to the Libertarian candidate. Who is it this time? Geddy Lee?
Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. How are things going in tailgate land?
DMD: Last night was Daylight Stealing Time, which, for me, means an extra hour of drinking. Which is why I’m at Fargo, North Dakota, instead of Nashville for today’s Bears game.
Des: Modre, what are your thoughts?
Modre: I don’t think, Des. I am merely a conduit of cosmic consciousness, a loudspeaker, if you will, that blurts out whatever bursts forth from its eternal wisdom-- or a mélange of random words, take your pick. But remember, your opinion of my genius reveals the depth of your own insight. By which I mean, if you disagree with me, you are an ignorant bore who believes that pointing the label of your Bud Light toward the TV will cause the kicker to score a field goal-- or Mitt Romney to get elected. Besides, the truly learned ones know that it is naught but Coors Lite which has the level of dark alchemy needed to bend reality to your will.
Des: Sally McChesty, we dispatched you to New York and New Jersey to serve as a goodwill ambassador to the victims of Hurricane Sandy. How is that going so far?
SMC: Des, they were none too happy with you trying to dump your Cade McNown and Rex Grossman jerseys on them. But they felt a little better after they siphoned the gas from my SUV and left me stranded in Hoboken.
Des: Say “hi” to They Might Be Giants for me. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game chock full of election commercials that will be immediately replaced by Christmas ads come Wednesday.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Tennessee Titans after a dangerously close game against the Carolina Panthers. Will the Bears manage to squeeze out another win against another lackluster team? Or will the Bears’ offensive woes, defensive miscues, and erratic field goal kicking create another October Surprise... in November? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “My Pal Foot-Foot” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, Sally McChesty, and special guest tailgater, Drunky McDumbAss.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! As the dark stormy clouds of the presidential electoral stormageddon hang heavily over us all, land-lubber and ocean warrior alike, let me take a moment to cackle with super-villain glee over the realization that, no matter who wins or loses, somebody is about to blow a billion dollars on a presidential campaign with nothing to show for it. AH, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HAAAAAA!!!!!!!! There be not a waste of money of this magnitude since I bought the complete set of statues of Lenin and Stalin from the former Warsaw Pact countries in 1989… if only I’d waited until their economies collapsed 20 years later! Parenthetically, Bears win 13-7.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s game?
CWP: Well, Des, Cutler tends to rely too heavily on Brandon Marshall, Cutler’s been sacked 25 times this season, and Matt Hasselbeck can occasionally be a good quarterback. That said, the Bears will still win 49 to 47… which will be the margin of victory for Obama versus Romney with 4% going to the Libertarian candidate. Who is it this time? Geddy Lee?
Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. How are things going in tailgate land?
DMD: Last night was Daylight Stealing Time, which, for me, means an extra hour of drinking. Which is why I’m at Fargo, North Dakota, instead of Nashville for today’s Bears game.
Des: Modre, what are your thoughts?
Modre: I don’t think, Des. I am merely a conduit of cosmic consciousness, a loudspeaker, if you will, that blurts out whatever bursts forth from its eternal wisdom-- or a mélange of random words, take your pick. But remember, your opinion of my genius reveals the depth of your own insight. By which I mean, if you disagree with me, you are an ignorant bore who believes that pointing the label of your Bud Light toward the TV will cause the kicker to score a field goal-- or Mitt Romney to get elected. Besides, the truly learned ones know that it is naught but Coors Lite which has the level of dark alchemy needed to bend reality to your will.
Des: Sally McChesty, we dispatched you to New York and New Jersey to serve as a goodwill ambassador to the victims of Hurricane Sandy. How is that going so far?
SMC: Des, they were none too happy with you trying to dump your Cade McNown and Rex Grossman jerseys on them. But they felt a little better after they siphoned the gas from my SUV and left me stranded in Hoboken.
Des: Say “hi” to They Might Be Giants for me. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game chock full of election commercials that will be immediately replaced by Christmas ads come Wednesday.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Bears vs. Giants: 10-3-10
BEARS VS. GIANTS: 10-3-10
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the New York Giants, a surprisingly vulnerable team in this battle between two very large television markets. Will the Giants repair their problems with turnovers, defense, and quarterbacking? Or will the Bears continue their unexpected dominance of the National Football League? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Mecha-Godzilla” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Whilst I could yield to your laborious land-lubbing demands, Des, and unveil me predictions for this week’s game, I prefer to dissect what happened last week much as I might examine the entrails of an albatross to fix the blame on one of my minions for another disastrous voyage. “Oh, don’t worry, Captain Redbeard. You won’t really fall off the edge of the earth into the mouths of numerous sea dragons. That’s just a myth spread by land-lubbers.” Five splintered vessels later….
Des: Uh, thank you, Captain. Drunky McDumb-Ass. What do you foresee happening Sunday Night?
DMD: Des, I foresee myself getting pulled over by the cops while I’m trying to drive home with a car filled to my chin with spilled beer. Or urine. With Nine Inch Nails music playing in the background.
Des: Modre. How will the Bears do against the New York football Giants?
Modre: If real is what you can feel, smell, taste and see, then 'real' is simply electrical signals interpreted by your brain
SR: Arrh, matey! Let’s see how well your brain can interpret this taser!
Modre: Je ne comprende pas!!!
SR: That’s what I thought.
Des: Concord Peabody. What’s the Bears’ key to victory?
CWP: Des, the Bears are 14-7 lifetime against teams quarterbacked by the Manning brothers—except for the Super-bowl. That was a heartbreaker.
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your creative output is like Frankenstein’s monster: horribly disfigured on the surface, but nestled inside is a poignant commentary on the follies of man. Also, both are vulnerable to fire.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a rivalry as ancient as that of Stalin versus Trotsky… and as equally one-sided.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the New York Giants, a surprisingly vulnerable team in this battle between two very large television markets. Will the Giants repair their problems with turnovers, defense, and quarterbacking? Or will the Bears continue their unexpected dominance of the National Football League? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Mecha-Godzilla” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Whilst I could yield to your laborious land-lubbing demands, Des, and unveil me predictions for this week’s game, I prefer to dissect what happened last week much as I might examine the entrails of an albatross to fix the blame on one of my minions for another disastrous voyage. “Oh, don’t worry, Captain Redbeard. You won’t really fall off the edge of the earth into the mouths of numerous sea dragons. That’s just a myth spread by land-lubbers.” Five splintered vessels later….
Des: Uh, thank you, Captain. Drunky McDumb-Ass. What do you foresee happening Sunday Night?
DMD: Des, I foresee myself getting pulled over by the cops while I’m trying to drive home with a car filled to my chin with spilled beer. Or urine. With Nine Inch Nails music playing in the background.
Des: Modre. How will the Bears do against the New York football Giants?
Modre: If real is what you can feel, smell, taste and see, then 'real' is simply electrical signals interpreted by your brain
SR: Arrh, matey! Let’s see how well your brain can interpret this taser!
Modre: Je ne comprende pas!!!
SR: That’s what I thought.
Des: Concord Peabody. What’s the Bears’ key to victory?
CWP: Des, the Bears are 14-7 lifetime against teams quarterbacked by the Manning brothers—except for the Super-bowl. That was a heartbreaker.
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your creative output is like Frankenstein’s monster: horribly disfigured on the surface, but nestled inside is a poignant commentary on the follies of man. Also, both are vulnerable to fire.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a rivalry as ancient as that of Stalin versus Trotsky… and as equally one-sided.
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