Des: Welcome to another
edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against
the San Diego Chargers, another team with a mere pair of victories under their
belt in a game that is inexplicably still on Monday Night Football instead of
being banished to a Sunday 6 a.m. game in eastern Ukraine that is broadcast
solely on Pinterest. Will the Bears be able to tear themselves away from the
deep, dark truthful mirror that is the Chargers? Or will Jon Gruden and Mike
Tirico spend the entire game complaining that the NFL should allow Monday Night
Football to participate in “flexible scheduling”?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of
experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Doctor Octopus” Red-beard,
Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie
Mae MacGillicutty, and our correspondent whose favorite bar is nicknamed “The
Stench Cauldron”, Drunky McDumbAss.
Sally: Today’s episode occurs
in the fabled skyscraper headquarters of the Daily Bugle even though the Bears
aren’t playing against a New York team, there’s no Spider-Man movie out as a
cross-promotional tie-in, and no newspaper corporation owns buildings anymore.
Enjoy.
J Jonah Jameson: Stop the
presses! Stop the presses! Heh, heh… I’m just yanking your chains, everybody.
We stopped using the printing press a long time ago. What should newspaper publishers
say for dramatic effect now? Reboot your server? Update your apps? Activate
your serious faced emoticon?
Sally: How about, “put on
some clothes and do some investigative journalism away from your laptop at home?”
Or how about, “Sorry, everybody, we’ve been bought out by Uber so that they
actually have some tangible asset to justify being worth $7 billion dollars?
Now all of your jobs have been replaced by some Robo-Reporter algorithm that
spews the same five stories with slightly different names to every web site: ‘Republican
X says something mean about poor people and immigrants. 30 to 50 people die in
a mass shooting in Insert Name of Town. The Bears go through another 60
quarterbacks.’” These stories literally write themselves.
J Jonah Jameson: Parker!
Where’s my picture of Spider-man?
Sally: Here’s a fun fact: The
“Donald Trump” character on The Apprentice was based on J. Jonah
Jameson.
Des: I’d like to see J. Jonah
Jameson helm the next Republican debate. Every question would be, “What are you
going to do about that masked menace, Spider-Man?”
Sally: Here’s another fun fact: The printing press was
originally invented to mass produce Bibles. Now the Bible is the only thing
still printed on paper. And tax forms.
Redbeard: ARRRRRRRRRRRRH,
mateys! In case ye’ve forgotten, this be still the “The Captain Redbeard Bears
Blog” Me Spider Sense is tingling. That means that the Bears will defeat the
Chargers 27-17. And Drunky McDumbAss is about to hit the back of my head with a
lead pipe.
Des: In the library with
Colonel Mustard.
Ellie Mae McGillicutty: Paper
newspapers made for some good toilet paper in the squatting shack. Yesterday,
when I was trying to shoplift some toilet paper at the Walmart I work at, it
took me forever to find it because it’s now called “Bathroom Tissue.” What
Yankee fool came up with that one?
Des: Sit back and watch,
sports fans, as the Bears face off in a game that will still draw some viewers,
because, really, what’s your alternative? To stare at a blank screen, waiting
for Jon Stewart to come back and make sense of a world you wish you had never
made?
