Bears vs. Vikings: 12-28-2014

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Minnesota Vikings in a game that means nothing to anyone, except for those of us who will enjoy watching an historical footnote of what is hopefully the final game with the current coaching and general manager staff. With Jimmy Clausen falling prey to the NFL’s sudden concern for concussions, Jay Cutler has one more chance to quarterback the Bears. Will Jay Cutler use the opportunity to further pad his stats as Chicago’s all-time leading passer? Or will every receiver continue to drop passes because--- Trestman!

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Nuedexta” Redbeard, Modre, the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae McGillicutty, and the non-pharmaceutical cure for uncontrollable laughter, Drunky McDumbAss.

Concord: Jay Cutler is two more teams, three additional head coaches, and 20 offensive coordinators away from being an elite quarterback. We’re talking Phillip Rivers-level elite!

Prissy: Kudos, Des, for not snagging the low hanging fruit of the classic comedy formula of “X is the highest quality member of set Y? That’s like saying A is the highest quality member of set B, when it’s understood that everything in set B is terrible!”

Des: Actually, Prissy, I tried really hard to use that formula, but the best I could do was, “Jay Cutler is the best passer in the history of the Chicago Bears? That’s like saying ‘Mork and Mindy’ is the best spin-off of Happy Days, or ‘Facts of Life’ was the best spin-off of ‘Diff’rent Strokes’, or Jeb Bush was the best President Bush.” I’m saving that joke for 2024.

Sally: Sadly, you probably have an 85% chance of using that joke, if Nate Silver is to be believed.

Redbeard: ARRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH! Mateys! Why be I buried beneath Concord Peabody, the Prissy Minion, and Doctor McChesty?

Des: Because Drunky McDumbAss hasn’t been released from his oxygen tent yet.

Redbeard: Ye treacherous land lubbers! Mayhap I can successfully deploy Prissy Minion’s comedy formula: Jay Cutler is the best passer in the eternal history of the Chicago football Bears? Why, that be like proclaiming that K-Mart be the best brand of deck chair on the Titanic. Be that too obscure for ye? How about this one: Jay Cutler is the best Bears quarterback? Why, that’s like sayin’ the Santa Maria was the least genocidal ship on Christopher Columbus’s fleet. Did that hit too close to home? This be not the Washington football blog, is it?

Des: Oh, Captain. Ellie Mae, what do you have for us?

Ellie Mae: If Jay Cutler joins the Nashville Oilers next season, his wife, Kristin Cavallari, would fit right in down in the hill country, what with her not vaccinatin’ her kids, or as we like to call it, “pokin’ ‘em with the devil’s needles”, which is maybe a little surprisin’, since she also has appeared in commercials on the squawk box asking for money to develop an HIV vaccine… which she would then refuse to give to her kids, I would assume. But you know whut they say about whut happens when you assume… you get a lucrative gig as a sports yapper! Now that’s what I call low hanging fruit!

Sally: Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears potentially complete the final game of the 2014 season!

Bears vs. Lions: 12-21-2014

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears will bench Jay Cutler in hopes of that Jimmy Clausen can lead the defense to allow less than 30 points…

Sally: Yeah, the Bears benched Jay Cutler in hopes that fans will shut up for 5 minutes so Trestman can get to his car. Another failed game plan, by the way.

Des: Will the Bears do the Packers yet one more favor by somehow getting an upset win over the Lions, or will Clausen do the Bears a favor by having a horrible game, thus forcing the Bears front office to deploy the much-needed pin sweeper on the coaching staff, ushering in the inevitable Jim Harbaugh/Mike Singletary era?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “No Gherkin Around” Redbeard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae McGillicutty, and finally, a man who’s filled with more Christmas spirits than every community college theater adaptation of A Christmas Carol put together, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHH, mateys! If there be one thing Marc Trestman, Jay Cutler, and I have in common, it be that our strategies are much more obvious to our enemies than to our own team/crew. Of course, when your strategy is to set your ship’s gunpowder on fire and ram your ship into the flagship of the British Royal Navy, ‘tis best to keep your crew in the dark about that.

            On a related or parenthetic topic, (or both), the Bears have utilized a succession of emotionless robots to coach the Bears. Perhaps ‘tis time to instead employ a raging psychopath to instill fear and terror into the Bears, and, with any luck, opposing teams. Mayhap a Jim Harbaugh or Mike Singletary be just what the Bears need. Or, alternatively, the Bears could hire a coach whose unnaturally calm demeanor barely masks an unquenchable fury and disdain for all mankind, i.e. Bill Belichick.

Des: Concord, what are your thoughts?

Concord: Des, the Bears are 175-200 when they use their backup quarterback, which sounds bad until you consider that they are 57-312 when they use their first-stringers.

Des: Ellie Mae. Any closing words?

Ellie: Merry Christmas, if by “Merry Christmas”, you mean a Christmas that isn’t a “mash-up” of the most depressing elements of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, and Kenny Rogers songs. I always said Christmas was more of an absence than a presence. Or “presents”, if you’re talking about the McGillicutty household.

Des: And, on that note… Happy Holidays!

Thanks to "friend of the blog" Agent Screamin' for the opening joke. And by "friend of the blog", I mean someone who wished the blog no specific harm.

Bears vs. Saints: 12-15-2014

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears play the New Orleans Saints in another game that is inexplicably nationally televised after receiving a savage beating from the Dallas Cowboys on Thursday Night Football! Laughably, this game has playoff implications for one of these 5-8 teams. Will the Bears get to play the role of spoiler, thrusting the Saints in the same death spiral with the 49ers? Or will the Saints earn the “honor” of getting destroyed by a vastly superior wild card team in the playoffs?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Aqua-fresh” Redbeard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae MacGillicutty, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHH, mateys! Santa comes not-early-enough for the Chicago Bears as the cast of this worthless pre-game “show” offer undeserved gifts to our struggling Monsters of the Midway. As for me, the cruelest gift I could give the Bears is that they win the last three games, finishing the season with an 8-8 record, destroying any chances of getting a good player from the draft. It’s a “Gift of the Magi” in the sense that it’s a complete waste of money and effort.

Des: Doctor McChesty, what gift do you have for the Bears?

Sally: The same gift I have for every NFL team, Des. Complete contempt for a violent, pointless sport that has longer pauses for discussing arcane procedural rules than 50 Senate filibusters.

Des: Ellie Mae, what do you plan to put under the Halas Hall tree?

Ellie Mae: While pig nuts are the inside joke that keeps on giving, the best gift I could give the Bears is to move them to the NFC South, where they could win the division with a 6-10 record.

Des: Concord, what do you have for the Bears?

Concord: A statistical analysis indicating that, on paper, the Bears should have won every game this season and won the Super Bowl by 40 points. Oddly, when I coached the Bears as my fantasy football team, they had a 9-4 record. Of course, that was after I traded Mel Tucker for a grilled cheese sandwich.

Des: Modre?

Modre: My gift to the Bears is a colorless, odorless substance that doesn’t leave a trace in the bloodstream of Aaron Rogers.

Des: Drunky McDumbAss. What did you provide as a stocking stuffer?

Drunky: Need you ask, Des? Empty whiskey bottles from every tailgate party this doomed season.

Des: Prissy Minion?

Prissy: Des, if you played an endless loop of every Bears pre-game show since 2002 in the Soldier Field locker room and on the sideline, you would provide a powerful incentive for the offense to score first downs just to stay on the field. Or maybe that wall of sound would burrow into Mel Tucker’s brain, adding that much needed “savant” component to “idiot savant.”

Des:  Prissy, are you only referring to my pre-game show, or every pre-game show from the past 12 years played simultaneously, forming a mélange of redundancy that’s almost like a round of “Row, Row, Row Your Boat” if it were sung by the Borg?

Prissy: Option B.

Sally: Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a game that will fail to turn viewers away from “Year Without a Santa Claus”…. which is on right now! End transmission!

Bears vs. Cowboys: 12-4-2014

BEARS VS. COWBOYS: 12-4-14

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Dallas Cowboys, another team that also embarrassed themselves on Thanksgiving. Will the Bears and Cowboys play their best game of the year as they seek redemption in front of another national TV audience? Or will both coaches spend the game commiserating with each other about how their once-proud franchises were ruined by quarterbacks who never quite lived up to their potential?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Butterface” Redbeard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae MacGillicutty, and random street corner stench factory, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHH, mateys! I be tired of thinking about the Bears or professional football. Nay, me every waking thought turns toward the Freewinds, flagship vessel of the Church of Scientology: the ultimate prize of me pirate fleet. Not only would I possess the untold wealth from the sales of the legendary E-meters, but I also would become the receptacle of the transcendent wisdom of the Operating Thetans on board the ship, which, if I read the Wikipedia entry correctly, means I should have “knowing and willing cause over life, thought, matter, energy, space, and time.”

Des: Wouldn’t it be easier just to steal some mystic ring or orb, or some kind of magical jewelry, star child, or parchment? Modre, isn’t Captain Redbeard’s quest for transcendent knowledge horning in on your turf?

Modre: “I have high hopes of smashing into history so violently that it will take a legendary form even if all books are destroyed.” So sayeth L. Ron Hubbard, the greatest philosopher of the 20^th century. Of course, any century that has Ayn Rand on its short list of “greatest philosphers” has a pretty low bar.

Des: I apologize, Modre. Nobody could, uh, fill those, uh… is “shoes” really the best word for this idiom? I’m thinking, it’s more like Vasoline covered sandals for slip-sliding away to a better world, man.  Um, Drunky McDumbAss. Give us some us your “street wisdom.”

Drunky: Wow, Des. Those are the most offensive air quotes I’ve ever seen. But I will dignify that with a response, if by “dignify”, you mean “launch into a 24 hour circular tirade that increases in anger, incoherence, and blood alcohol content.” So… yeah…. Thursday Night games are awesome because you’re only competing against college kids in the sports bars, and I could totally take those guys on. Until I wake up duct taped to an elevator again. Whenever I find myself in an elevator, I make sure I push the elevator buttons with my knuckles so I don’t get any diseases.

Des: Drunky, I’m sure that whatever super-mega-hyper Ebola virus you’re carrying would destroy all competing infectious agents. I think that catching a cold from some tourist is the least of your health worries.

Drunky: Well, Des, what I do... what I do is I get in my car, I turn the ignition key and, 30 minutes to four days later, I wake up in my apartment. Or police car. Or Wendy’s drive through. Or church. It’s like stepping through a portal into another dimension. You never know where you’ll turn up.

Des: Inside a puddle of vomit is a pretty safe bet.

Des: All right, thank you, Drunky. Ellie Mae McGillicutty. What southern fried stocking stuffers have you brought for the holiday season?

Ellie: Funny you should say that. It’s the stocking itself that’s been deep fried to kill most of the various festering foot fungi of my extended family. Each stocking has been carefully handcrafted from the scraps of various car wash towels in the tri-county area, then loving shared with each of the 92 members of the MacGillicutty family until it no longer resembles something one would call “footwear.” Then after it’s been deep fried in the grease of some combination of hamster gizzards, pigeons, and crawfish from the bowels of Louisiana, we stuff it with butter, funnel cakes, and French fries, drizzled in a Ramen Noodle Casserole.

Des: Uh... and that’s all the time we have, boys and girls. Doctor McChesty, please fade this production to black.

Sally: Of course, L. Ron Desmo. Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a game that will fail to draw more viewers than All in the Family, by which I mean The McCarthys

Bears vs. Lions: 11-27-2014

BEARS VS. LIONS: 11-27-14

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions in their first Thanksgiving game since 2004. Will the Bears defense be able to give Jay Cutler a short field against a team that is no longer at the very bottom of the NFL? Or will today’s game come down to a question of which quarterback is the last to throw an interception?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Bonesteel” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Elllie Mae MacGillicutty, and the man who invites himself to more Thanksgivings than Peppermint Patty, Drunky McDumbAss.

Drunky: Speaking of peppermint patties, I could really go for a peppermint schnapps right now. Or something else of the breath mint variety for the car ride home. Hey, what’s that repeated stabbing sensation in my back? Is that my liver again?

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Those painful stab wounds are brought to you by me blood soaked steely blade for depriving me of me opening tirade that has been a staple of this pre-game show since the Bears were naught but the Decatur Staleys. Or it could also be your liver, McDumbAss. I would never completely rule that out.

Now that I have regained me rightful position, ‘tis time for a Thanksgiving dinner taste treat: Captain Redbeard’s Chum Bucket of the NFL: ‘Tis my deepest shame: the Oakland Raiders with their 1-10 record at the very bottom of the NFL. Ye may be asking, “Why only pick on the Raiders, Captain Redbeard? The Jacksonville Jaguars have an equally bad record.”

Allow me to answer this question in two parts: Part 1- Shut up! Who be you to challenge the aqua satanic majesty of Captain Redbeard, dread lord of the seven seas, scourge of legitimate maritime commerce, and feared card cheat? Part B- No one ever expects the Jaguars to ever amount to anything, but the Raiders once represented the Brotherhood of the Eternal Dank with pride, striking terror in the hearts of hapless AFC teams throughout the Pacific Coast. Ever since the referees stole that “Snow Bowl” game from Oakland and handed it to the Patriots, the Raiders have suffered a decade in the football equivalent of the Sargasso Sea. That game be a true act of piracy!

Des: Concord Peabody. Surely you have some obscure Thanksgiving trivia.

Concord: The first meal eaten on the moon by Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin was turkey. But you were probably looking for Bears trivia. The Bears are 8-7 against the Lions on Thanksgiving. In 2004, they lost to the Cowboys 21 to 7 with despite having legendary quarterbacks Jonathan Quinn and Craig Krenzel at the helm. In 1999, the Lions beat the Bears despite having future Hall of Famer Jim Miller standing behind the center. While quarterbacking has been a historical weakness for the Bears, the Lions are 1-9 in their last 10 Thanksgiving games. Go Bears!

Des: Thank you, Concord. Ellie Mae, what do you have for us?

Ellie: What else but Trashcan Turkey wrapped in corn huskings and served on chairs from a 1975 Ford pickup truck placed on cinder blocks? 

Des: Doctor McChesty, would you summarize things with one majestic sentence?

Sally: Of course, Desmondolina. Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a game that will determine which team is its own worst enemy.

Bears vs. Buccaneers: 11-23-2014

BEARS VS. BUCCANEERS: 11-23-14

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers after pulling themselves together to defeat one of the worst teams in the NFL. Will the Bears repeat their winning formula of demonstrating basic competence to beat another bad team? Or will they suffer an embarrassing loss to their former coach Lovie Smith, who will remind them what an acceptable defense can do?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Master of Mayhem” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Elllie Mae MacGillicutty, and the guest who came to stay and never leave, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! ‘Tis time for me to enter a period of terrible soul serching as me favorite non-piratannical football team battles against me second favorite pirate themed team. On the one hand, ye have the Chicago Football Bears, whose legend was built on a foundation of a fearsome defense that now couldn’t stop a baby from stealing candy from the end zone. On the other hand, ye have the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, who were mostly known for having aquamarine uniforms featuring a sailor with a blade in its mouth whose glory days came when they stole a coach from me favorite privateer-themed team, the Oakland Raiders. Since there be no football performance related statistic nor sentimental attachment to decide me preference, ‘tis naught but pure greed that will persuade me to support the Bears this Sunday: I have a fleet of unauthorized Bears merchandise waiting to be sold without the express written consent of Major League Football.

Des: Let’s check in with Drunky McDumbAss, who will continue to party at Soldier Field through Sunday’s game into the upcoming Thanksgiving match-up. Drunky, aren’t the Bears playing the Thanksgiving game in Detroit?

Drunky: That’s right, Des, but there’s really no point in going to Detroit unless you can prove you’re a non-resident who makes more than $10,000,000 a year. Governor Snyder is testing out this means-testing criteria to enter Detroit before making it part of his campaign platform to reform immigration into the U.S. as part of a 2016 presidential run. I’ve also heard they’re cutting off oxygen to parts of Detroit outside of the sports stadiums.

Des: Modre, what are your thoughts?

Modre: Mason Cooley once said, “Reading about ethics is about as likely to make one a saint as reading about sports will make one into an athlete.” Despite this, I look forward to reading Roger Goodell’s biography after he’s drummed out of the NFL.

Des: While all of this political comedy is draining the comedy ranking of this pre-game cavalcade several notches below Doonesbury, let’s bring in Concord Peabody to lighten things up.

Concord: Well, Des, all the pieces are in place for the Bears to finish the season by beating the Buccaneers, the Lions twice, and the Vikings again, resulting in a glorious… 8-8 season.

Des: That didn’t help at all! Ellie Mae, cheer me up, would you?

Ellie: The only comfort I can provide is through a burlap sack of surplus pig nuts I scraped of the ground of our ½ acre dirt farm. At least I think it’s pig nuts. It might just be random twigs, car parts, and Moxie soda bottles.

Des: Ellie Mae, how did you become part of our show?

Ellie: Oh, please! Your cast consists of a pirate, a drunk, a Lisa Simpson rip-off, a stalker, and whatever Modre is. Concord Peabody is the only character who pretends to care about football, and even he has no idea what he’s talking about. I fit right in!

Des: And I thought Doctor McChesty was based more on Beavis and Butthead’s “Darla.”

Ellie: Obscure references to unpopular 1990s TV shows will never save you.

Des: Prissy Minion. Unnerve me with your obsequiousness.

Prissy: Like Guardians of the Galaxy, you are irrelevant, reckless, and scrappy.

Des: I think you meant “irreverent.”

Prissy: Oops. And you also make good mix tapes. On cassettes. Still.

Des: Doctor McChesty, would you summarize things with one majestic sentence?

Sally: Of course, Desimandela. Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a match that, contrary to the writings of various sports jerks, is not the “Toilet Bowl.” That “honor” goes to the Jets-Bills game. Go Neckbeard! (Assuming he’s still the Bills’ quarterback.)

Bears vs. Vikings: 11-16-2014

ARRRRH, Mateys! I be brutally disappointed by the Bears historically dismal performance last Sunday. Truly they be mutinous dogs trying to send a message to Marc Trestman, Jay Cutler, Mel Tucker, and whoever be the offensive coordinator. But sadly, the only message received by the fans and other NFL teams is "We suck!" But not to worry, Bears fans! Me Tampa Bay Buccaneers will finish off the aforementioned cavalcade of football ineptitude, making the Thanksgiving game a feast of journeymen quarterbacks and coaches who are naught but the misbegotten grand-spawn of various coaches from the 1960s, none of whom are named "Halas" or "Lombardi", sadly. As for the rest of our sports panel, they gave up on the Bears this week and are pursuing other interests, like GED classes and equestria.

Bears vs. Packers: 11-9-2014

BEARS VS. PACKERS: 11-9-14

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Green Bay Packers after being horribly eviscerated by the New England Patriots. Will Marc Trestman and Aaron Kromer find the magic keys to somehow teach Jay Cutler to throw passes to his teammates, as opposed the waiting arms of the Packers, random mascots, cheerleaders, and the numerous demons that haunt his nightmares, both sleeping and waking? Or will the call go out for the Bears to hire a new quarterback with a more colorful name, like Colt McCoy, Lance McSquarejaw, or Neckbeard?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Dolphin Blob” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Drunky McDumbAss, and from the deepest South, introducing Ellie Mae MacGillicutty.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! The Bears have too many problems to name, but I’ll give it a stab with me blood-drenched cutlass: A pass defense that makes me more nauseated than a norovirus-afflicted cruise ship, a general manager whose comments about “work ethic” and having “a system of doing things” resembles the drunken ramblings of the captain of the Costa Concordia, and a quarterback whose navigation skills make the captain of the Bahamas Celebration look like Magellan.

Des: Captain, that’s a disturbingly recent montage of cruise ship disasters.

Redbeard: Aye. Which is why I offer to your readers/listeners deeply discounted tickets to Captain Redbeard’s Thanksgiving Cruise, where we reenact the original Mayflower voyage with full historical accuracy, which unfortunately includes massive outbreaks of scurvy, pneumonia, and tuberculosis. Also, the residents/tourists of Cape Cod probably won’t appreciate our authentic recreation of the Mayflower landfall where we raid any unprotected stores of corn, or what the natives call “maize.” But don’t look for us on Groupon. We’re more of a Saveology-based enterprise because I’m pretty sure that a portion of the proceeds go to Scientology, whose KRC triangle of “Knowledge, Responsibility, and Control” really gave me the focus I needed to more successfully plunder the coastal cities of Somalia.

Des: Thank you, Captain. Unfortunately, your Thanksgiving tirade comes a bit too early, as I was hoping to save that for the Bears game on Thanksgiving.

Redbeard: Stop being such a lazy slaggard, Des! All ye need do is slap together some standard references to tryptophan, women being stuck in the kitchen while men watch football, and say “turducken” over and over again, and ye be all set!

Des: Concord Peabody. We haven’t heard from you in a while. What do you have for us?

Concord: The Bears are 30-0 when it comes to games they’d be better off losing. Go Bears!

Des: Modre, I know you’ll transcend the limitations of football pre-game coverage even though I’d rather you didn’t.

Modre: O. Henry once declared, “There is one day that is ours. Thanksgiving Day is the one day that’s purely American.” Except for Canada and Liberia.

Des: Again with the premature Thanksgiving jokes. Do we have orders from Corporate to get our Thanksgiving jokes out of the way now so we can go right to Christmas-themed comedy next week? Here to ignore that question altogether is our newest member of Captain Redbeard’s Bears Preview: Ellie Mae MacGillicutty.

Ellie: Well, what we have ourselves as an offering outside of the Green Bay Packer football stadium of Lambeau Field is what I’d like to call a Pig Nut Buffet. Now it’s true that there is a variety of unrelated plants that are called pig nuts, ranging from bunium bulbocastinum, which is a smoky flavored spice used in dishes in the Indian subcontinent, to the pig nut hickory that grows where I come from in the deep south, although its tendrils extend as far north as New England and even lower Ontario

            But while pig nut actually exists, we just steal the name to give down-home flavor to what is really just a stew of various road-kill.

Des: So, Doctor McChesty, would you like to bring things to a staggering conclusion?

Sally: I would think that a “staggering conclusion” would be more Drunky McDumbAss’s forte, Des, but whatever. Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a match that goes up against The Walking Dead—which pretty much describes the Bears defense. (Cue sad slide whistle).

Bears vs. Patriots: 10-26-2014

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears travel to New England to face the Patriots, whose rapidly aging quarterback still does better than every Bears quarterback in history combined, excluding the bad ones—which excludes all but maybe two. Will the Bears put together an error-free game and take advantage of New England’s many flaws that have not yet been exploited by inferior foes? Or will the Bears whole continue to be less than the sum of its parts, especially when one of those parts is Jay Cutler?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Wonderwall” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, and the 21^st Century version of W.C. Fields, but without the charm, clever wit, or a rudimentary education, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Des, do ye believe that ye can somehow draw Generation X’ers into this pre-game cavalcade with a reference to an Oasis album? If so, ye be a bigger fool than today’s young people who flock to ISIS because, apparently, we don’t have enough neo-Nazi or radical communist groups to absorb our disaffected youth. I live in fear of the inevitable Islamo-rock bands that have probably already emerged in cities and college towns across America because you don’t have a viable sub-culture unless you have a few rock bands dedicated to spreading whatever half-assed message you’re trying to get across. In my youth, I myself tried to spawn a pirate rock movement whose end results deserve to die on the slowly decaying 8 tracks stashed in my Hull of Shame which has somehow survived numerous torpedo-ings. Sadly, pirate rock was pretty much nothing more than increasingly angry renditions of The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald.

So, to answer your original question, Des, the Bears should bench Jay Cutler. This wouldn’t be the first time the Bears spent $100 billion on a quarterback who was a bust, nor will it be the last, unfortunately.

Sally: If I may interrupt, Des…

Des: It’s Doctor Sally McChesty, ladies and gentlemen, with this week’s injury report.

Sally: Jay Cutler has survived seven consecutive games without a season-ending injury, but you wouldn’t know it from the Bears’ 3-4 record.

Des: Drunky McDumbAss. How are things going in New England?

Drunky: Des, I drove through DWI roadblocks in six states in six minutes.

Des: Because New England states are so tiny. I get it, Drunky. You better be careful in Maine, though. I hear that’s disputed territory with the British.

Drunky: Not since the Webster-Ashburton Treaty of 1842. But don’t worry, Des. If the Lobsterbacks invade Maine, 44.7% of my Scottish blood will resist it.

Des: Modre. Scramble my refrigerator word magnets.

Modre: Friedrich Nietzsche was once said, “The best author will be one who is ashamed to become a writer.” That should be true of every profession.

Des: Uh, sure. Why not? Prissy Minion. Go, solely because it’s your turn.

Prissy: Des, your posts are both jubilant and anarchic in that they make no sense and make me laugh in spite of themselves. But that’s still pure genius, and, for that, I thank you.

Sally: Thank you for joining us, Bears fans, on this pre-game experience, brought to by the Jean Shaheen for Senate Campaign, which hopes that her home field advantage works out better than the Bears this season.

Bears vs. Dolphins: 10-19-2014

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears return home to Soldier Field after an inconclusive two game tour of duty south of the Mason-Dixon Line. Will the Bears take advantage of a lackluster Florida team to get back on track and maybe secure a wild card berth? Or will Soldier Field prove to be a home field disadvantage for the third home game (of three) this season?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Subtlety is Not My Strong Suit” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Sally McChesty, and special guest tailgater, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Des, your disloyalty toward the Bears both shames and disgusts me! Ye need to follow my example of blindly following the Oakland Raiders and Tampa Bay Buccaneers, e’en if their combined record this decade be 1 - ∞. They can still turn things around!

Des: Captain, what I do is the highest form of loyalty… I challenge the Bears to do better… with pitiless mockery! Speaking of which, Captain, let’s take a moment to review your Death Punch to Abject Failure, or what you, on our September 14^th post, called your “Treasure Map to the Super-Bowl.” Overall, your divisional picks were terrible: the Saints are 2-3, the Jets are languishing with a 1-6 record…

Redbeard: I thought Rex Ryan’s combination of empty threats and hollow guarantees of victory would finally catch on this year!

Des: The Titans are struggling with a 2-4 season…

Redbeard: Ye would think ‘twould be impossible for one man, i.e. Jeff Fisher, to curse two teams at once, but in my own efforts to lay an eternal curse on the Washington Football Club, I have mostly afflicted the Buccaneers and Raiders, to my unending sorrow. But don’t blame me for the Cubs. They’ve done that entirely on their own, for generation after generation after generation after generation.

Des: …and the Bears and Steelers are mediocre at best, with 3-3 records. Your only bright spots are the 49ers, Broncos, and, surprisingly, the Dallas Cowboys.

Sally: If I may interrupt, Des…

Des: It’s Doctor Sally McChesty, ladies and gentlemen, with this week’s injury report.

Sally: Peyton Manning continues to be animated by dark sorcery and/or secret alien/human hybrid medical “treatments” that eat up 90% of the Obamacare budget for this fiscal year. Did you know, Des, that, like the military and the CIA, Obamacare has a secret black budget, most of which is spent on keeping alive star quarterbacks, the Koch Brothers, and Dick Cheney?

Des: Given that 112% of our Gross Domestic Product is absorbed by football, it does not surprise me that our medical care system would be part of that equation. Drunky McDumbAss. Welcome back to Soldier Field.

Drunky: Des, I never left. I’ve been playing Whack a Mole in the Soldier Field parking garage with Bears security. I’m the mole.

Des-boy: Whut are yew talkin’ ‘bout, McDumbAss? Yew don’t er-member the past two weeks in Standard City Illinoise Jail when we were tryin’ tuh sneak outta Atlanta after a methamphetamine fueled crime spree in which we used Coors Lite as a coolant fer tuh keep our skull pans from overheatin’? Or was that actual Prestone we were drinkin’? Talk about hydraulic frackin’! (Doubles over in a combination of hillbilly laughter and alcoholism-induced convulsions)

Drunky: What, uhhh, what mix tape were we listening to at the time?

Des: I’ll leave the two of you alone to get reacquainted with your shared dark past. Modre. Gimme some word puree.

Modre: Here, chiefly, in the aggrandizement of a huge and fearsome animal to deiform proportions, does Melville surpass all other poets of his century in the rejuvenation of myth.

Des: Deiform, Modre?

Modre: As usual, Des, your pitiful mind cannot begin to grasp the enormity of “deiform”, i.e. of godlike size and stature. The closest entity you have encountered of deiform stature is Mike Ditka whose 75^th birthday was yesterday.

Des: Prissy Minion, terminate this broadcast with extreme prejudice!

Prissy: With any great artist comes great criticism. While there are untold billions of counterexamples, Des, you are not among them.

Des: Thank you for joining us, Bears fans, on the only football website sponsored by a menopause drug: Brisdell. Yes, Brisdell - - fighting hot flashes one 900 foot tall purple curtain at a time. Change is in the air—which kind of makes menopause sound like Ebola!

Credits: the “Drunky McDumbAss” character was created by my cousin Jeff, whose overall awesomeness was also of deiform stature.

Bears vs. Falcons: 10-12-2014

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Atlanta Falcons in Phase Two of their Southern Campaign that hasn’t exactly resembled Sherman’s March to the Sea. Will the Bears use a brutally ruthless offense to reduce Atlanta to cinders while constructing a defense acceptable enough to hold on to Gettysburg? Or will Marc Trestman play the role of George McClellan and use a conservative run offense that goes nowhere?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Unconditional Surrender” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, and the eternal drinking game, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Once again, Des, your prejudice against all things aquatic is laid bare for all to see! Where be the critical role played by the Union and Confederate Navies in your extended-to-the-breaking-point metaphor? Whilst I could make me standard double entendre about the Anaconda Strategy, this time I prefer to express me hope that the Bears defense today resembles the ironclad USS Monitor upon which the Falcons bounce off like so many Confederate cannonballs and not the Ironsides wheelchairs I stole from Raymond Burr and Blair Underwood, the star of the 2013 remake that was cancelled after three episodes, both of which I will later use to laughably wheel myself down the deck of me ship after too many casks of white Jamaican rum.

Des: I liked it better when everyone just ignored my opening question. Modre. What are your thoughts?

Modre: A mighty dragon cannot crush a native snake. I’m not sure whether the Bears are the dragons or the snakes, or if that even matters.

Des: Thank you, Modre. Doctor McChesty. Who will win today’s Bears game?

Sally: Well, Des, both teams can best be described as ones where the whole is less than the sum of its parts. So I guess it’s all about how you add up the numbers.

Des: Isn’t that your job?

Sally: It is this week, Des, until you come up with another way to define my character.

Des: Drunky McDumbAss. What’s happening in tailgate land?

Drunky: I’m incoherent rambling into my smart phone from the back seat of Des-boy’s 1972 Ford Torino. We’re hiding behind some abandoned factory.

Des-boy: Shut up, McDumbAss! You want the revenuers to find us?

Des: Prissy Minion. End this on a positive note if you can, but, please… end this!

Prissy: Des, your posts are always soothing yet adventurous, and you never settle for passable while the transcendent is still within reach.

Des: Just like Leonard Cohen’s new album, Popular Problems, now available on I-tunes and wherever good music is sold. Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a game that’s apparently important enough to be flexibly scheduled to 3:30 Central Time, which I just discovered right now, totally throwing off my plans for my entire Sunday, dad-blast it!

Bears vs. Panthers: 10-5-2014

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Carolina Panthers after a really embarrassing loss against the arch nemesis Green Bay Packers. Which Bears team will show up at Bank of America Stadium? Will it be the team that dominated the 49ers and Jets with competent quarterbacking, adhesive receivers, and acceptable defense? Or will it be last week’s team of panicky passing, numerous turnovers, and AWOL defense?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Baby Doc” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Drunky McDumbAss, and southern fried corn-poke Cornelius Van Robert E. Lee Des-boy.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! In the 12 years that we’ve been together in this pre-game cavalcade, we’ve never once answered - - or even acknowledged - - the opening question. This streak comes to an end. Your question requires a two part answer, Des. For the first quarter, you will see Team A… the one with the skillful, patient, accurate Jay Cutler; the focused, agile receivers; and defensive players who may occasionally execute a block or tackle. All of those players will be carted off the field due to injuries during the second quarter, and that’s when you’ll see Team B.

Des: Modre. The bottle is pointing at you.

Modre: “Font of Western wisdom whose name you are no doubt mispronouncing in your head as you read this” Emile Bronte once said, “The tyrant grinds down his slaves and they don't turn against him, they crush those beneath them.”

Des: Modre, what does that have to do with football?

Modre: Nothing at all. I just like to instigate class warfare.

Des: That comment suggests something new and different about your character, Modre. But I’m not sure that it makes you in any way more likable or relatable. Although neither are exactly common attributes of the participants of this blog. Doctor McChesty.  How will the Bears do today?

Sally: The Panthers’ run defense is every bit as bad as the Bears, and Cam Newton is a shadow of his former self, but any team coached by former Bear Ron Rivera should never be counted out.

Des: Doctor McChesty, how are you adjusting to your new role as the slightly less eccentric Concord Peabody?

Sally: Oh! Uh, Bears win 73-0.

Des: Drunky McDumbAss. Paint a picture with a Technicolor yawn.

Drunky: (Oh, that’s good Thunderbird.) Well, uhhhhhh…. Des… I was just sharing my, uhhhh…. liquid wisdom, if you will, about a variety of, um topics and interests, all of which end with “Fire Mel Tucker.”

Des: A sentiment shared by many whose blood alcohol content is 1000 times less lethal than yours, Drunky. Would you welcome, rarely recurring character, Des-boy?

Des-boy: Des, for a man who consistently condemns the NFL for allowing the nation’s capitol’s football team to be named after a racial slur, you sure do like to populate your blog with nuthin’ but stereotypes. Now that you’ve filled me with incoherent rage, I’m gonna go enjoy some corn squeezins’ while flipping back and forth between the Charlotte Panthers and the NASCAR. We welcome the Chicago Bears as they descend south of the Mason-Dixon line for three straight weeks into a world they never made.

Des: Prissy Minion. End this. End it now.

Prissy: Des, your agile comedic ramblings, and seductive lyric scenarios, combined with your quantifiable “poetrics”, as I like to call them, can only lead to one conclusion for the viewer: this is a sleek comedic love fest that’s also a much needed repeated shot to the solar plexus of pop culture… or would be, if you had more than 10 readers, all of whom are from former, soon to be future, Soviet republics.

Des: Ouch! Uh… (boo, hoo, hoo). Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a match previewed on web sites that are inexplicably covered with ads for Tea Party candidates, veal, and nuclear power.

Bears vs. Packers: 9-28-2014

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Green Bay Packers in Chapter MCMLVI of the world’s greatest sports rivalry in the history of the universe! Will the Bears harden in concrete the winning puzzle pieces of a consistent passing game, error-free special teams, and a competent defense? Or will Aaron Rogers throw touchdown passes in the same robotic fashion he uses when delivering straight lines on State Farm commercials?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Cool Ranch Dorito” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, and our pale shadow of Dean Martin, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! After spending hours at the bedside of ailing North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un in which we traded mystical objects that would make the darkest nightmares of H.P. Lovecraft seem pleasant by comparison, I bring to thee unsuspecting landlubbers the Chum Bucket of the NFL: the team that will fail to win a single game this season. It deeply shames me that two of the winless NFL teams are the Buccaneers and the Raiders. Ne’er the less, the one team that will not win a single game this year will be the Jacksonville Jaguars. Florida was not meant to support three football teams, maybe not even two.

Des: Captain, last year, you predicted that Washington wouldn’t win a single game. While a 3-13 record is nothing to be proud of, the Texans did worse with a 2-14 record.

Redbeard: Aye. I decided last year that having Dan Snyder’s team lose every game wasn’t cruel enough. Part of this year’s Curse of the Crimson Beard Stubble involves having Washington win 3 games in a row midseason and then losing the rest to finish off with a 4-12 record, which would be one game shy of winning the division. That “honor” will go to the Cowboys, who will win the NFC East Division with a 5-11 season.

Des: A sad vision of things to come. Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

Concord: Well, while the Packers had a tough outing against the Lions, Aaron Rogers is still one of the best quarterbacks in the league, the Bears run defense is dangerously weak, and the Packers have had the Bears’ number for a while now, even at Soldier Field. That said, the Bears still win 35-11.

Des: Wait... Concord, how do you expect the Packers to score 11 points?

Concord: 3 field goals and a safety. Or a field goal plus a touchdown with a 2-point conversion. What am I, Des, the Shell Answer Man?

Des: Thank you, Concord. So, Doctor McChesty, what’s your prescription for a Bears victory?

Sally: Prescription? Oh, I get it. Because I’m a doctor. No, Des, my doctorate is in Sports Business Management… which, come to think of it, does involve dispensing a lot of pain medication.

Des: Speaking of self-medication, would you welcome: Drunky McDumbAss. What’s happening in tailgate land?

Drunky: Well, Des, I’m in Soldier Field jail again because, apparently, setting fire to a Cheesehead hat and urinating on its ashes while a Packers fan is still wearing it, isn’t considered an “appropriate” way to show team spirit.

Des: Prissy Minion, put a merciful end to this.

Prissy: Des, your transition from teen idol to sports commentator legend combines the best elements of bad girl Miley Cyrus to the matriarchal purity of Hillary Duff.

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will be much more enjoyable if you mute the tortured logic chain leading to nowhere funny that is otherwise known as this year’s Miller Lite commercials.

Bears vs. Jets: 9-22-2014

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the New York Jets after a surprising upset of the once-dominant 49ers fueled by a lust for revenge after Cutler’s helmet-to-chest plate injury. Will Jay Cutler endure another injury to spur the Bears to victory? Or will Rex Ryan’s rambling tirades and empty promises also prove inspirational… to the Bears?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Emperor of Scotland” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, and “hero” of the half-keg, Drunky McDumbAss.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! As one who has made a career of exploiting me self-inflicted wounds, both physical and emotional, I welcome this new strategy of Cutler to inspire his team via overcoming crippling injury. May I suggest acquiring a peg leg or glass eye? What ye lose in mobility and depth perception, ye more than make up with loyalty and steadfastness of yer crew!

Des: At the risk of poking very large holes in what you laughably call a managerial opus, Captain, don’t you have to brutally beat down a mutiny on a daily basis?

SR: Ye can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs, if by “omelet” ye mean “a modestly successful voyage”, and by “eggs” ye mean “the entire crew”. And a few horses ye have to throw overboard.

Des: Thank you, Captain. Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

CWP: Well, the Bears are 0-20 when they play in stadiums named after insurance companies that exploit holes in Medicaid coverage.  That said, the Bears will win 30-7.

Des: Modre! Cram some comedy into the casing of NFL references.

Modre: It is better to dance lightly across the astro-turf of human emotion than suffocate numbly beneath the sheltering darkness of the replay hood.

Des: Doctor Sally McChesty. What’s your opinion of Roger Goodell’s news conference regarding the numerous domestic abuse accusations and videos in the news?

SMC: Didn’t you get the memo from the NFL, Des? Female football broadcasters only provide facts; we do not provide any analysis, interpretation, or context. That’s for the men folk.

Des: Drunky McDumbAss. What’s happening in tailgate land?

DMD: Des, I left John’s Garage in 2005 and haven’t found my way home since.

Des: Coming from anyone else, that would sound strangely poignant. Prissy Minion. Seal this in concrete, won’t you?

Prissy: If you like your negative and positive emotions numb, then you’ve come to the right place.

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a match that may cause you to turn around, bright eyes, away from the newest episode of The Big Bang Theory or the Simpsons marathon on F quadruple X.

Bears vs. 49ers: 9-14-2014

BEARS VS. 49ERS: 9-14-14

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the 49ers after an embarrassing loss to the terrible Buffalo Bills. Will the Bears find one healthy receiver, an acceptable defense, and a coach who can show Jay Cutler how to throw to his own team? Or will tonight’s game be naught be an awkward acknowledgement of the latest crime against humanity conducted by an NFL player, owner, or coach?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Wood Rot” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Sally McChesty, and passed out speed bump, Drunky McDumbAss.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Tremble before me delirious visions of futures too terrible to behold as I unfurl me Treasure Map to the Super Bowl, which, out of sheer laziness, is actually a pencil maze from a Happy Meal originally entitled “Treasure Map to Childhood Obesity”, which starts with a Big Mac and ends with a fat kid, which then goes on to an insulin needle and a bottle of Lipitor. But I digest.

In the AFC, I foresee the Jets, Steelers, Titans, and Chiefs proudly displaying divisional banners, whilst the Patriots and Broncos saunter into the playoffs as wild cards. In the NFC, I envision that the Bears, Saints, and 49ers will dominate their divisions. The NFC East is so awful that the Cowboys will triumph with a 7-9 record. The Seahawks and Panthers will be stained with the shame of entering as wild cards. Gasp with disbelief as  I reveal this startling conclusion to the 2014 football season: The 49ers will defeat the Chiefs in this year’s Super Bowl.

Des: Captain, I couldn’t help but notice that your AFC picks were almost identical to last year’s and that didn’t work out too well for you. What gives?

Redbeard: Well, Des, ‘tis like the lottery player who plays the same numbers every day for 60 years: you have to get lucky at some point.

Des: And what about the Bears? Did you pick them just to be nice?

Redbeard: After our very, very long association, Des, ye know better than anyone that there be nothing “nice” about me. Nay, me prediction is based solely upon my dark certainty that the Packers be one Aaron Rogers away from being the Detroit Lions.

Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

CWP: Well, Des, the 49ers are one of the most dominant teams in the league, while the Bears are one of the most dominant teams in turning the ball over to their opponents. That said, Bears win 44-10.

Des: Wow. That’s the lowest margin of victory you’ve ever predicted. I’m scared! Modre. What Chinese fortune cookie are you plagiarizing this time?

Modre: As Vince Lombardi once said, “Show me a good loser, and I’ll show you a loser…” in bed!

Des: Sally McChesty. What’s your take on the Bears’ struggling defense?

SMC: Well, Des, a wise person once said that a fish rots from the head down. Fire Mel Tucker!

Des:  Drunky McDumbAss! How’s it going in tailgate land?

DMD: Well, Des, here in the… in thee.. (whoah) tailgate, uhhhh (burp) shed, we’ve been debating the David Duchovny ad for some kind of Russian beer in Russia, and, uhhhhh Go Bears!

Des: As coherent as always, Drunky! Prissy Minion. Try to dial down the disturbing-ness.

PM: Des, your style of comedy is a beautiful homage everything wrong with our pop culture 30 years ago.

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will still manage to beat the Miss America Pageant in the ratings… mostly because no one remembers that it still exists. Also, it’s called a “competition” now, not a “pageant”, you rube!

Bears vs. Bills: 9-7-2014

BEARS VS. BILLS: 9-7-14

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Buffalo Bills in a bombastic battle of Biblical bombastitude fully in keeping with the Mighty Marvel Madmen’s tradition of aggressively annoying alliteration. Will Marc Trestman finally weave into place all the pieces of the Bears tapestry of offense, defense, special teams and other formerly loose threads into a magnificent puzzle, revealing the Vince Lombardi trophy? Or will the Bills somehow pull together a convincing enough victory to price the team beyond the grasping hands of Jon Bon Jovi?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Coco Crisp” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and Sally McChesty.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Thanks to a court-ordered drug regimen of Risperdal, Zyprexa, Haldol, and too many other anti-psychotic medications too numerous to count, let alone name, me ability to predict the future of the Bears this season be significantly blunted. But ne’er the less, prepare to take heed: The Bears will go 11-5 this year, defeating all of their AFC foes, which include the Bills, Jets, Dolphins, and Patriots. They will also soundly destroy the Cowboys, Falcons, and, sadly, the Buccaneers, plus their divisional foes the Vikings and Lions twice. Unfortunately, the Bears will fail against the might of the 49ers, Panthers, and Saints, and Aaron Rogers will manage to beat the Bears despite having career-ending injuries in both games.

Des: Captain, I noticed that the Bears barely fell short of your expectations last year. You foresaw a 9-7 season, but the Bears walked away with an 8-8 record.

SR: Aye. This year, I think Jay Cutler will exceed expectations by playing two consecutive games this season. That be my “key to victory”. Or is that me “Treasure Map to the Super Bowl”? I think that be next week’s episode. Stay tuned all of your numerous electronic devices, ye treacherous land lubbers!

Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

CWP: Well, the Bills have developed a murderous no huddle offense, Nigel Bradham is a very fast and powerful lineman, and E.J. Manuel is an acceptable quarterback. On the other hand, the Bills’ coach said that rookie offensive tackle Cyrus Kouandjio blocks like Venus De Milo, so I think we’re okay. Bears win 34- 9.

Des: Modre. I have no idea what you will say next.

Modre: I have just completed reading the Wikipedia entry on Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time, which alleges that the publisher warned Hawking that “for every equation in the book, the readership would be halved.” Behold the revised equation of comedy: tragedy + time = comedy, but tragedy + time X awareness of the comedy equation = ½ comedy. Presumably this is an infinite regression.

Des: Speaking of infinite regression, here’s Sally McChesty presenting the handful of celebrities who are still waiting their turn to participate in the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge. Sally, who’s left as a… heh, heh… washed-up celebrity?

SMC: Way to belittle a bunch of people who are just trying to help, Des. Now it’s my turn to jump in! We have Dennis Miller, Adrien Brody, and Christian Slater, all about to receive a dunking in well-earned obscurity. However, a warning to you Hollywood TV producers out there: Do not use your dark alchemy to turn these losers into dramatic gold a la Breaking Bad or Damages.

Des: Oh, the irony of an obscure reference maestro reduced to naught but a random throwaway micron of comedic trivia! Sit back and watch on your weird wrist phone or eye piece or magic giant ring or false tooth interface as the Bears face off in a game that will be littered with commercials featuring hallucinogenic properties that exceed the combined drug-induced ravings of Hunter S. Thompson, William S. Burrows, and Ken Kesey.