Bears vs. Packers: 12-29-2013

BEARS VS. PACKERS: 12-29-13

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Green Bay Packers in a match they must win to propel themselves into the playoffs. Will the Bears pull off a shocking upset be having Devin Hester make 10 returns for touchdowns, offensive flim-flammery in which no one knows who the quarterback is, not even the offense, Robbie Gould scoring 20 field goals, and a defense that holds Aaron Rogers to 70 points? Or will the Bears suffer a crushing defeat, triggering wholesale changes that replace everybody but Robbie Gould?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Sea Monkey” Redbeard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, and charter member of Alcoholics Hilarious, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHH, mateys! Me New Years’ resolution is not to change in any way, but to further accentuate my worst traits, the most annoying of which is to rely on increasingly obscure deities to predict the outcome of football games. Oh, Sekmet, ye lion-headed Egyptian goddess of destruction, what be your revelation for today’s Bears game? What’s that? Apparently, Sekmet is easily appeased by a 6 pack of beer colored to look like blood, so... no help there. Uh, Bears win 45-31.

Des: Modre?

Modre: While I am typically angered by the traditional western ritual of making false promises of self-improvement at the beginning of the year, I am intrigued by Captain Redbeard’s horrible corruption of this annual rite and wish to emulate it by doubling down on my worst trait of misapplying proverbs to analyze the Bears: For example, a wise man once said, “A poor workman always blames his tools.” Or, if you’re a Bears quarterback, his offensive line.

Des: Concord, what are your thoughts?

Concord: Des, the Bears have everything against them today: The defense can’t stop the run, Aaron Rogers is back as quarterback of the Packers, Chicago still lacks a consistent quarterback and offensive line, and the Bears haven’t beaten the Packers in a “must win” game this decade. That said, the Bears will still win 130-70.

Des: Drunky McDumbAss. What’s happening in tailgate land?

Drunky: Right now I’m stuck in “DUI Roadblock Land.” Time to abandon another rental car!

Des: Doctor McChesty. What do have for us?

Sally: What don’t I have? Oh, right. Any respect for this sport whatsoever.

Des: Prissy Minion. What are your thoughts?

Prissy: Des, your blog posts are a lesson in pedagogy: With endless practice and error, one can achieve majesty.

Des:  Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a game that will determine my level of interest in next week’s playoff games.

Readability Grade level: 8.3

Bears vs. Eagles: 12-22-2013

BEARS VS. EAGLES: 12-22-13

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Philadelphia Eagles in a match that is no longer a “must-win” game, thanks to every NFC North team losing in today’s earlier action. Will the Bears take advantage of this release in pressure to tighten things up on offense and special teams, while trying desperately to construct something that resembles a defense? Or will the Bears relax too much, losing the last two games of the season, clearing a path for the Green Bay Packers to magically win another Superbowl?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Black Manta” Redbeard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, and avatar of Christmas Capitalism, Santa Claus.

Redbeard: ARRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHH, mateys! The Bears stand poised to clinch the NFC North with naught but an 8-6 record. What could they do to mess things up, a la Charlie Brown, in every Peanuts special and comic? First, they could have a wonderful time with the little red-haired girl, dance with everyone and be the life of the party, then inexplicably have a complete blackout and totally forget having done anything. Second, just before winning the game, Jay Cutler could make a speech endorsing the Great Pumpkin, and everyone would laugh at him, causing him to leave the football field in shame. Third, Coach Trestman could have some kind of rash on his head in the pattern of a football, which would force him to wear a sack on his hand, causing him to be nicknamed “Coach Sack”, whom the Bears would unquestionably follow throughout the playoffs to victory. Then, just before the NFC championship game, thinking his rash had cleared up, he would remove the sack, revealing his transformation into Dave Wannstedt, causing the Bears to question themselves, but still maintaining a tight game until, finally and most predictably, Adam Podlesh pulls the football away from Robbie Gould when he tries to kick the game winning field goal.

Des: That summarizes the Charlie Brown oeuvre nicely, Redbeard. Sally McChesty, what are your thoughts?

Sally McChesty: Des, there’s been a lot of criticism about NFL trying too hard to protect their players with recent rule changes. The way I see it, there are three possible outcomes to this trend:

1. By 2017, all NFL players will wear giant foam suits and bounce off of each other, like that girl who inflated into a giant ball in Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. This will be successfully blamed on President Hillary Clinton.

2. All NFL players-- past, present, and future, living and dead-- will be plugged into some sort of “matrix” and every game will be virtual. Despite every player being converted into ones and zeroes, 45 minutes of every game will still be taken up by replay review.

Q. The NFL will be replaced by a revived XFL and will take place inside the “Octagon” and there won’t be any actual throwing of footballs or any other use of a football, just a lot of punching and kicking and chair throwing, but with all of the other pagan-try of football. And I deliberately misspelled “pageantry” as “pagan-try” because Des has inexplicably, and in mid-sentence, decided to rewrite my character as a Christian Fundamentalist. That should go well.

Des: Modre?

Modre: I completely disagree with Sally McChesty. When the current generation of NFL fans dies off, soccer will finally emerge as the one true football in America.

Des: Concord, what are your thoughts

Concord: Des, the Bears have won every game when they spot their foes 21 points in the first quarter, their time of possession is only 2:00 per game, and they allow their opponents to score on every offensive drive. Don’t ask me how, they just do.

Des: Santa Claus. Give me some Christmas cheer, preferably something in a fortified egg nog.

Santa: Ho, ho, ho! The NFC North is my gift to the rest of the NFL.

Des:  Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a game that will easily outperform Fox’s Sunday Night animation lineup in the ratings, a feat only matched by every other Sunday night program.

Readability Grade level: 10.2

Bears vs. Browns: 12-15-2013

BEARS VS. BROWNS: 12-15-13

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Cleveland Browns after a savage beating of the Dallas Cowboys on Monday Night Football! Will Jay Cutler have a triumphant return to quarterbacking the Bears, building on the offensive foundation constructed by Josh McCown in his absence? Or will Cutler find himself reunited next year with Lovie Smith in Houston?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Aqua-velvet” Redbeard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHH, mateys! Des, we had a pre-show meeting without you and ended up writing a future best-selling holiday fun gift book: How to Ruin Everything.

Des: Wait, Captain. Last week, you had a Christmas party without me, and now you lunkheads managed to write a book?

Redbeard: Well, Des, it be not a book in the traditional sense of the term. It’s more like a collection of random, angry insights by the six of us with a hook that is as unyielding as the one that serves as me right hand: “From baby showers to funerals and everything in-between, this delightful book will provide all ye need to ruin every meaningful occasion.”

Des: Okay, Captain, I’ll bite: What’s your entry?

Redbeard: The perfect gift for a baby shower is one that questions the paternity of the baby.

Des: Sally?

Sally McChesty: An NFL coaching diversity committee made solely of multi-billionaire white men over the age of 70.

Des: Modre?

Modre: A Christmas gift that insults all religions and atheism.

Des: Concord, I’m sure I can count on you to tell us how to ruin the Bears.

Concord: Allow massive injuries to devastate the defense line of the Bears and create a meaningless quarterback controversy.

Des: Drunky McDumbAss, I’m sure you have more experience ruining events than all of us put together.

Drunky: Give me a 12 pack of Meister Brau and a random political topic, preferably gun control, and I’ll ruin every event.

Des: Prissy Minion?

Prissy: Des, I went in the opposite direction. The only way to save everything is to include Des. Or also to ruin everything, but in a very artistic manner that would be a template for others for generations.

Des:  I figured as much. Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a game in which a magic 8 ball will decide who will be the Bears quarterback.

Readability Grade level: 8.5

Bears vs. Cowboys: December 9, 2013

Bears vs. Cowboys: 12/9/2013

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears Football Pregame Show. The Bears face off against the Dallas Cowboys after a tough overtime loss against the Minnesota Vikings. Will the Bears recover with either Jay Cutler or Josh McCown at the helm? Or will the call go forth: Bring back Jason Campbell, who was only a couple questionable referee calls away from beating the Patriots yesterday?

To answer these and similar questions is... just Captain Redbeard?

Redbeard: ARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHH, mateys! That's right, Des, we had a secret Christmas party without you and I sent everyone home early without your permission. The only one who objected was the Prissy Minion until I made up some story about DesCon V happening at the Rosemont Horizon, or whatever it's called these days, assuming it even exists. Maybe it's at Old Chicago or Lakehurst Mall.

During the course of the Christmas party, we recorded a new instant Yuletide classic: The Captain's Christmas Cavalcade of Holiday Horror, which already has at least 2 hits on YouTube, which be better than Yoko Ono's classic "Listen, the Snow is Falling", and Paul McCartney's "Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reggae", which makes me bigger than the Beatles, and, therefore makes me bigger than Jesus, which is no small accomplishment on this festive holiday season.

To answer the question that dare not be spoken by a land lubber: Yes, I have recorded two holiday hits, both of which are Christmas counting songs. First, you have my version of the unending nightmare that is The 12 Days of Christmas. Except I tidy up a lot: It consists entirely of: "Twelve Keel-hauling, eleven cats of nine tails, five drunken rages!!!!" And then it just stops. I follow this up with the more obscure counting song Children Go Where I Send Thee: I'm gonna send thee three by three, three for the ships we plundered and burned, ten for the ten commandments (all of which we violated)." Me math sequential reasoning be not what it should be, for which I blame entirely on Common Core, which I'm already calling "Obama-math." You're welcome, Fox News.

Des: Redbeard, do you have anything to say about tonight's game?

Redbeard: Arrrrrhhh, Des! What does it matter at this point? While the Bears could easily walk away with the NFC North title with an 8-8 record, they'll just be destroyed by the Seahawks, or by Peyton Manning again in the Superbowl.

Des: If only I had the Prissy Minion or Sally McChesty to finish this.

Bears vs. Vikings: 12-1-2013

BEARS VS. VIKINGS: 12-1-13

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Minnesota Vikings after a horrible loss, a savage beat down, from the St. Louis Rams, of all teams! Will the Bears manage to put a defense on the field this week, or will, uh, well I uh, well I uh...

Sally: It’s your own fault this blog sucks, Charlie Brown, because you’re so wishy-washy!

Des: ...or will Cade McNown, I mean-- heh, heh-- Josh McCown, somehow find a way to score 87 points so the Bears can have a 7 point margin of victory?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Morocco Mole” Redbeard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHH, mateys! Despite the Bears performance last week, which was as uneven as every board that comprises me ship’s hull, I predict the Bears will still go 8-8 this season, defeating the Vikings today and somehow beating the Packers on December 29^th, thus fulfilling their destiny as the first NFC team-- oh, and then they’ll also run the table during the playoffs-- thus fulfilling their destiny as the first NFC team to be beaten by Peyton Manning twice during the Superbowl.

Des: That’s a grim assessment, Captain Redbeard. Um... Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

Concord: Well, I just, uh, I just learned what the, uh, shotgun formation is, so this changes my perspective on everything related to football.

Des: Okay, Concord, we’ll get back to you later. Maybe. Um, Drunk McDumbAss. What’s happening in tailgate-land?

Drunky: Well, Des, I just finished twenty different flavors of schnapps.

Des: Drunky, how do you... how do you get home after a football game?

Drunky: Well, Des, what I do... what I do is I get in my car, I turn the ignition key and, 30 minutes later, I wake up in my apartment.

Des: All right, thank you, Drunky. Uh... and that’s all the time we have, boys and girls. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game brought to you by Des-boy’s Pig-Nut Moonshine. Des-boy?

Des-boy: Mmm hmmm. Des-boy’s Pig Nut Moonshine: The smooth-drinking, liver-burning flavor last a moment, but the crippling blindness lasts a lifetime!

Bears vs. Rams: 11-24-2013

BEARS VS. RAMS: 11-24-13

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the St. Louis Rams after a difficult victory against the Baltimore Ravens spanning 8 hours and three natural disasters. Will the Bears grind out another win against yet another team without a professional quarterback? Or will the Beard have to meander their way into the wild card round with an 8-8 record, squeaking past the Packers and stepping over the Vikings?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Piranha Chow” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and Doctor Sally McChesty.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Both the Bears and Rams stride into glorious battle without a strong quarterback to lead them. As one whose unsuccessful struggles against alcoholism have left many a crew leaderless at crucial moments, I have one piece of advice for both teams: crash your ships against your foes and unleash boundless plunder and booty! But then that be me solution to every problem. Besides drinking.

            Also, Des, as last week’s game showed, the Bears are 1-0 when the entire state of Illinois is destroyed by 12 billion tornadoes. I will therefore combine me weather and sports prediction skills by predicting that the Bears will win every game this season in which a winter storm named by the Weather Channel is heading in the direction of the city in which they are playing, which will be every remaining game this season.  The Bears better watch out for Winter Storm Falstaff when they play the Packers December 29.

Des: Modre, what are your thoughts?

Modre: JFK, blown away, what else do I have to say?

Des: Too soon, Modre, too soon. Doctor McChesty. Do you have any thoughts on the Richie Incognito controversy?

SMC: No, but I have noticed that Styx, REO Speedwagon, and Foghat are doing a benefit for the victims of the tornadoes from last weekend. That might actually be a good career move for them, to just be a group of bands that appear right after weather disasters. That would be a step up from appearing at various suburban summer festivals.

Des: Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a match that will determine how quickly the St. Louis Rams fade into the mists of history... or move back to Los Angeles!

Bears vs. Ravens: 11-17-2013

BEARS VS. RAVENS: 11-17-13

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Baltimore Ravens after their loss to a resurgent Detroit Lions. Will the Bears get back on track by jumping to the front of the line of teams that have rejuvenated themselves by beating up on last year’s Superbowl “champion”? Or will the call go forth to summon Cade McNown—I mean, Josh McCown—to save the Bears?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Riot Grrl” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Sally McChesty, and special guest tailgater, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! ‘Twill be time once again for me favorite recurring theme on this worthless blog: “Captain Redbeard’s Chum-Bucket of the NFL.” ‘Tis the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, who should be stripped of their team name and the Jolly Roger that adorns their helmets and be forced to wear their former flamboyant sword swallowing sailor mascot until they be truly worthy of the skull and crossbones! What must they do? Like all true pirates, they should take advantage of the weak and vulnerable, i.e. the Atlanta Falcons, whom the Buccaneers face this Sunday... which is why I also pick Tampa Bay to be my “Wracked with Terrible Sea-sickness Stomach Churning Upset of the Week” and why I also choose this match to be “Captain Redbeard’s Game to be Avoided at All Costs.”

Des: Let’s check in with Drunky McDumbAss, who has been partying it up in the parking lot of Soldier Field non-stop since last Sunday’s game against Detroit.

DMD: That’s right, Des. The renovated spaceship-esque structure of formerly historic Soldier Field has been the ideal venue for me to play an endless game of cat-and-mouse with the Chicago Police. Like a drunken Phantom of the Opera, I only emerge to scare tourists who are just trying to visit the Field Museum, Shedd Aquarium, or Adler Planetarium.

Des: Modre, what are your thoughts?

Modre: Are you familiar with Lord Acton’s famous quote about power? The entire quote is, “Power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Great men are almost always bad men.” There’s no punch line here, Des, I just wanted to expand your tiny little egg shell mind until it snaps like a rubber band.

Des: That’s Modre for you, always mixing metaphors until they become indigestible goo. Concord Peabody. Give us some statistical mumbo-jumbo.

CWP: Well, Des, every good Bears defender is injured, they had a terrible running game last week, and the Ravens still have a pretty good defense. That said, the Bears still win 49-24.

Des: Doctor McChesty. Do you have any thoughts on the Richie Incognito controversy?

SMC: Oh. I thought that had already been resolved. Jay Glazer found him “not guilty” and that was the end of it.

Des: Prissy Minion. Scare me with your sycophancy.

PM: Des, you are the original Five Finger Death Punch.

Des: That was indeed scary. Doctor McChesty, would you summarize things with one majestic sentence?

SMC: Of course, Desiluski. Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a match that will determine how quickly the Baltimore Ravens fade into the mists of history.

Grade Level Equivalency: 7.8

Bears vs. Lions: 11-10-2013

BEARS VS. LIONS: 11-10-13

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions, after their upset of the Green Bay Packers sent shockwaves throughout the NFL. Will the Bears build upon last week’s victory to defeat the Lions and dominate the NFC North? Or will Chicago be forced to settle for a wild card bid with an 8-8 season, defeating only the lowly Rams, Vikings, and, dare I say it, Ravens?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Incognito” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Sally McChesty, and special guest tailgater, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! ‘Tis time once again for me least favorite recurring theme on this worthless blog: “Let’s mock the Captain’s Picks for the Playoffs.” First, to salve me wounded pride, allow me to showcase me accurate predictions, and for that, let’s turn to the AFC. If we were to focus solely on the AFC, I would be truly hailed as the prognosticator’s prognosticator: As foreseen, the Bengals are atop the AFC North with a 6-3 record, the Colts dominate their division with 6 wins and 2 losses, the Broncos are well on their way to fulfilling their destiny as a wild card berth, and the Patriots have exceeded me expectations by leading their division instead of being a mere wild card. But the Chargers have once again failed me, earning naught but 4 wins and 4 losses. And me biggest surprise failure is the Miami Dolphins, which I thought would surely destroy their foes both inside and outside their own locker room with a management style and “seasoning” regimen that most closely mirrors my own.

            Now turn your horrified gaze to the NFC, which truly be me greatest albatross: The Seahawks are performing as expected, destroying their foes to earn a mighty 8-1 record and the Bears are well on their way to earning a wild card spot with an 5-3 record, but the rest of the NFC... oh, the humanity! The Panthers, my pick for the NFC South, at least has a respectable record of 5-3, but there’s the Falcons going 2-6, the Vikings stalled at 2-7, and what the hell happened to the Giants?

            At least I take cold comfort that, despite the Redskins doing better since I placed a curse on them until they change their name, they are still a horrible team. Don’t get confident, Chicago Cubs! Me baseball curses still maintain their full potency!

Des: Let’s check in with Drunky McDumbAss, who is partying it up in the parking lot of Soldier Field.

DMD: Des, even though every beer made in the universe is owned by one corporation that’s owned by the Koch Brothers, each beer still maintains its own distinct flavor. At least until I’m done drinking the first 24 brands. Then it all becomes one big Technicolor blur, much like the last 3 quarters of the Bears game.

Des: Modre, what are your thoughts?

Modre: Don’t ask a question if you’re not ready to hear the answer.

Des: I withdraw my question. Concord Peabody. What do the sacred patterns of numbers reveal?

CWP: What are you...? Uh, what? Well, Des, Cutler’s probably gonna be a lot less mobile after his groin injury, Reggie Bush is looking forward to taking on the Bears defense, and Cutler had has worst game of the year against the Lions. That said, the Bears still win 55-17.

Des: Doctor McChesty. I understand that you would like to give a report on the positive impact that the Detroit Lions have had on the Detroit economy.

SMC: That’s right, Des. Des, in order to pay the salaries of the football executives and players, plus maintenance on the football stadium, Detroit had to close 40 public schools, lay off 1,000 police officers and firefighters, and shutter 20 hospitals. On game day, electricity has to be turned off from 10 surrounding city blocks plus all of the automotive assembly plants, all of Detroit’s grocery and clothing stores need to emptied of their inventory, and every farm, granary, and coal mine in the collar countries must be stripped of their resources to feed, clothe, and power the football stadium, executives, players, and skybox patrons.

Des: Prissy Minion. Frighten me with your flattery.

PM: Des, your cutting wordplay and playfully sadistic wit have redefined blogs into something that would take linguists and cultural pundits alike decades to obsessively gnaw on like the protein rich bone that it is.

Des: That was indeed frightening. Doctor McChesty, would you wrap things up in a neat little bow?

SMC: I’d be happy to, Des. Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a match that will determine dominance of the NFC North Division... somehow.

Bears vs. Packers: 11- 4-2013

BEARS VS. PACKERS: 11-4-13

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Green Bay Packers, the most storied rivalry in the history of the universe, without injured quarterback Jay Cutler and defensive legend Lance Briggs. Will the Bears transcend their numerous limitations on paper to pull off a dramatic upset? Or will East Coast Bears fans wake up at midnight as the Bears enter the 4th quarter of a Monday Night game down 45 to 3?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Charles” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Sally McChesty, and special guest tailgater, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! As I obliquely predicted back in Week 1, Jay Cutler already lay horribly injured. But I take no pride in that prediction, as this outcome be as predictable as saying that I begin every post with a hearty “ARRRRRRHHHHHHH.... mateys.” Thus it be only a matter of time for the next phase of me prophesy to become grim reality: Tim Tebow truly be the Bears only hope for redemption in 2013. And I use that religious reference legitimately: Even the Pope’s statements have a more subdued Christian theme than Mr. Tebow’s. Here be a fun fact: Tim Tebow was born in the Philippines. I also spent time in the Philippines, doing things best left unsaid. But, seriously, folks, the Bears should take a closer look at Matt Cassel.

Des: Let’s check in with Drunky McDumbAss, who is partying it up at some non-descript dive in the Neutral Zone between Zion and Kenosha.

DMD: Des, I just drank the entire state of Wisconsin under the table.

Des: That’s quite an achievement, Drunky. I wouldn’t get overconfident and try to take on the entire country of Ireland. They’ve got Northern Ireland as an emergency spare. Modre, are you still channeling the United Airlines terminal?

Modre: I have once again reviewed The Alphabet Versus the Goddess, which posits the thesis that written language is what turned humanity evil. I was bitterly disappointed that there was no mention of the satanic effects that the angry scrawl of the left brain would have on comedy. Did you know that, in pre-literate societies, humor was always supportive and bound people together in mutual recognition of common difficulties? Here’s an example: “Hey, how about that Ice Age. Makes you wanna stay under that buffalo blanket, amiright?” Contrast that to the first written joke: “Boy, this Ice Age sucks! You know what else is really cold and bitter? Women! Who’s with me?” Hurtful and misogynistic, the inevitable legacy of written language.

Des: Thank you, Modre. Concord Peabody. Dazzle me with your command of random numbers.

CWP: Well, Des, the Bears may have an offense on paper... which is what the offensive line is made out of... but, without a professional quarterback, not so much. Still, thanks to this year’s new offense-friendly rules and penalty structure, Chicago should manage to score 56 points. Unfortunately, Green Bay will score 109.

Des: So, Doctor McChesty, would you like to change things up and bring things to a staggering conclusion?

SMC: I’d be happy to, Des. Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a match that will be drowned out by announcers jabbering on about whether it’s better to give somebody permanent brain damage or to shatter their knees for life!

Bears vs. Redbeard: 10-20-2013

BEARS VS. REDBEARD: 10-20-13

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Washington Pigskins, Monuments, Roundtops, Sequestrations.... whatever the hell name Dan Snyder is eventually forced , kicking and screaming, to accept. Will the Bears take advantage of this opportunity to utterly destroy another hapless foe, like they did to the Giants last week? Or will this game ruin Washington’s ability to get a decent draft pick for reasons other than the team’s name?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “In a Gadda Da” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Sally McChesty, and special guest tailgater, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Pay attention, ye wretched land-lubbers! I’d be hedging me bets when it comes to the Chicago football Bears. The offense and defense be more inconsistent than the eternally shifting whims of Poseidon and Neptune, both of whom’s demands for tribute grow e’er more unreasonable and unattainable... much like the Tea Party! Did ye appreciate that joke, Des, ye red diaper, doper trust fund baby, who has never worked an honest day of backbreaking labor in ye pathetic life, and are, therefore, never qualified to criticize America, unlike yours truly, whose great grandpappy came over from some European country that no longer exists, and carved a meager life out of nothing so that his grandson could eventually command a great fleet of fearsome pirate ships? That’s the American Dream that you so casually mock, Eugene V. Des!

Des: What are you talking about, Captain? Your grandfather was a third generation grifter who was still working the Chicago World’s Fair 30 years after it closed down. In fairness to you, though, you turned out better than him by being an imaginary sea captain piloting a pretend fleet from the attic of a condemned bowling alley.

Redbeard: Uh... arrh. That be unusually harsh coming from you, Des. Well, me pirate ship may be naught but a beautiful illusion, but the cask of rum I’m about to drink be all too real.

Des: Speaking of alcoholism, let’s check in with Drunky McDumbAss, who is partying it up at FedEx Field.

DMD: Des, I’m busy getting hammered with a bunch of government employees who have to get back to work next week. You know, Des, with great beer comes great responsibility. Fortunately for me, I’m drinking Coors Light, so tonight’s gonna be all about drunk driving and not paying child support to my five ex-wives and the future sixth ex-McDumbAss.

Des: That’s just awesome that Miller/Coors/Molson/Leinenkugel Megabeer is ripping off the slogan from Spider-Man “With great power comes great responsibility.” What next? Will Meister Brau steal the X-Men slogan “Meister Brau: Fighting for a world that hates and fears them?”

Modre: The moving walkway is now ending. Please look down. The moving walkway is now ending. Please look down. The moving walkway is now ending. Please look down.

Des: Thank you, Modre. So, Doctor McChesty, what do you have for us?

SMC: Des, while pouring over my investment portfolio that earns me more money in a month than your entire Bears panel will make in 60 lifetimes, I discovered that there is only one Beer Company left in the entire world. I decided to offer my services to sell this corporation my formula for “Sally McChesty Uber-Brau” that provides short-term euphoria and cognitive impairment while simultaneously repairing damaged brain cells, thus raising the average IQ of a football fan 20 points—to 80.

Des: Heh, heh. You said “pouring.”

SMC: I put five free cases in your garage refrigerator.

Des: All right!

Des: Last week’s theme was politics, this week it’s alcoholism. Prissy Minion, please end this!

PM: Des, your web log posts channel the howling comedic energy of Robin Williams—not the cocaine-fueled comedy of the 1970s, but the trying-too-hard comedy of today!

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that would take people’s minds off of the endless budgetary squabbles of Congress, if they hadn’t already moved on to “surprising celebrity godparents of Kate and William’s child.” A hint—it starts with a “K” and ends with “ardashian.” That’s right, sports fans, it took me until 2013 to make my first Kim Kardashian reference! Stay tuned next week when I zing Hillary Duff! Credits: the “Drunky McDumbAss” character was created by my cousin Jeff. In an odd coincidence, this is also the 100th post of the Captain Redbeard Bears blog.

Bears vs. Giants: 10-10-2013

BEARS VS. GIANTS: 10-10-13


Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the New York Giants after two consecutive losses in a game featuring the NFL’s two biggest television markets. Will the Bears take advantage of this opportunity to soundly defeat one of the NFL’s worst teams? Or will this match prove to be the opening salvo of a chain of 11 successive wins for the Giants, leading to what future sports historians will call “the Manning Bowl”?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Joseph Steel” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and Doctor Sally Djugashvili McChesty.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Normally, I’d be wasting everybody’s time by giving ye worthless gambling tips on various upcoming football games, but if ye really want to make a killing, I’d start trading in your US Treasury bills for Confederate War Bonds. A week from today, they’ll be worth a lot more.

A special tip to Captain Redbeard’s Secret Society of Drunken Piracy: the preceding rant was a hidden prediction that Obama will assume dictatorial powers under the obscure provision of the 14th amendment that compels the US government to honor its debt. Not e’en the darkest ramblings of Glenn Beck will see this one coming! If I be wrong about this, I have a Plan B: I have already offered me services as a privateer to America’s four biggest creditors to start seizing its assets with the standard techniques of plunder and booty! These creditors be China, Japan, the United Kingdom, and the Social Security Trust Fund.

Des: Of the various predictions you make, Captain, I hate your political ones the most. Modre. Since I presume that you will be our new mandarin next Thursday, what advice do you have for us from our new overlords, the Chinese?

Modre: The moving walkway is now ending. Please look down. The moving walkway is now ending. Please look down. The moving walkway is now ending. Please look down.

Des: Thank you, Modre. Concord Peabody. Would you please, please, please distract us with some irrelevant football statistics?

CWP: That would be my pleasure, Des. The Bears played one solid quarter of football against the Saints, scoring 8 points 4th quarter. I predict the Bears will improve to having two good quarters of football, defeating the Giants 16-6.

Des: So, Doctor McChesty, what do you have for us?

SMC: Des, I no longer have time to contribute to your pathetic blog. I’ve been chosen to serve as the Deputy Director of Death Panels for the Great Lakes region. I’d stop having that twelve martini lunch if I were you.

Des: So. Three of our cast members serve as the collective second hand of America’s death clock. Where do you fit into this tapestry, Prissy?

PM: Des, “creative destruction” has always been your mantra.

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that may tear viewers away from Grey’s Anatomy, which...uh... is that show still on the air?!?

Bears vs. Saints: 10-6-2013

BEARS VS. SAINTS: 10-6-13


Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the New Orleans Saints after a tough loss against the Detroit Lions. Will the Bears pick themselves up and resume their winning ways? Or has Jay Cutler already grown immune to Dr. Marc Trestman’s competence serum?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Aqua Satan” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and Doctor Sally Quincy McChesty.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Let’s take a peek at how me Treasure Map to the Superbowl is guiding ye, the trusting landlubber gambler, to untold wealth and riches that make e’en the shining citadels of Richie Rich’s playhouses 179 through 562 pale in comparison. Me Superbowl picks continue to rock the free world, with the Colts leading their division with a 3-1 record and the Seahawks be undefeated. Me AFC wild card picks, the Broncos and Patriots, have also emerged undefeated so far. The Dolphins are respectable so far with a 3-1 record, and the Bengals and Chargers still have a chance with 2-2 records. The NFC continues to befuddle me: The Bears, my first wild card pick have a respectable showing with 3-1, but the Falcons have a 1-3 record, and my remaining three divisional picks are terrible: the Giants are 0-4, the Vikings are 1-3, and the Panthers are 1-2. Father Poseidon, why have you forsaken me?!?!?

Des: Presumably, it’s because of your multitude of crimes against humanity, both on and off the water. By the way, Captain, kudos for your curse against the Redskins that didn’t even last one week. Modre. What fortune cookie advice do you have for us this week?

Modre: The quickest way to fall is to stand still. Of course, Jay Cutler is a very mobile quarterback, and that’s not helping him out either.

Des: Thank you, Modre. So, Doctor McChesty, what do you have for us?

SMC: Des, when will they leave Josh Freeman alone?

Des: This is the most football-focused post we’ve had in a while. Prissy Minion, take us off track, won’t you?

PM: Des, your stadium sized comedy insights and menacing undertones never fail to lighten my mood.

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game against a city that narrowly avoided being destroyed again by another “K” hurricane--- and, no, those aren’t comedy “k” sounds you’re hearing.

Bears vs. Lions: 9-29-2013

BEARS VS. LIONS: 9-29-13


Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the team that may surprisingly prove to be their greatest challenge so far: the resurgent Detroit Lions. Will the Bears repeat last week’s winning formula of an unexpectedly strong offensive line, competent passing, and a turnover-factory defense? Or will the Lions’ winning streak continue to justify closing every public school in Detroit to finance their sports teams?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Kid Charlemagne” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and Doctor Sally “Muffin” McChesty.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! By using what today’s kids call “Molly”, which I presume can only be shorthand for injections of “molluscum contagiosum” or “water warts”, to shatter the confines of space-time and linear thought to pierce the astral plane, I successfully stole the Tablets of Destiny from ancient Babylonian deity Marduk to avenge the death of my favored sea goddess Tiamat. But of far greater importance is that they revealed to me the Chum Bucket of the NFL: i.e. the team that will fail to win a single game this season: At this moment, there be 5 teams that share the dishonor of being winless so far: the Steelers, Jaguars, Giants, Redskins, Vikings, and Buccaneers. Which one be the most doomed to ignominious failure? ‘Tis the Washington Redskins, yet another victim of the Curse of Redbeard—and, no, this does not refer to the disfiguring skin condition of the same name—nay, this be the black mark that I lay upon the team that offends me in some deep seeded and deep seated way. The Curse of Redbeard is so profoundly afflicting that it can ne’er be reversed, not e’en by yours truly. Ask the Chicago Cubs! They will, of course, deny it with all the strength their broken souls will allow, for to even speak of the Curse of Redbeard is to prolong it for uncounted millennia. Returning to the Redskins, ye might think that I cursed them because they are the most racist thing associated with the NFL besides Modre...

Modre: Gaijin!

SR: ...but ye’d be sadly mistaken! Nay, my unyielding anger towards the Redskins derives solely from the actions of the team’s owner Dan Snyder, who beat me to the punch of attaining eternal youth by purchasing the Dick Clark Television Production Company. Not only does he gain the secret of eternal youth, but he also gains control of time itself, for through his purchase of the DCTPC, he also owns Dick Clark’s Rockin’ New Years’ Eve. By possessing this gem, he controls the Baby New Year, a prize that has eluded many other super-villians, including the legendary vulture Eon. Also, somewhat ironically, he made his billions by being the first to telemarket immigrants to the U.S.

Des: I shudder at the thought of those poor souls who are playing the “Captain Redbeard’s Unrelated References Drinking Game.” Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

CWP: Well, I was shocked that I actually underestimated the Bears’ score last week when I predicted the Bears would beat the Steelers: 38-10. (They won 40-23). I won’t repeat that mistake this week: Bears win 460 to 273.

Des: Wait... Concord, did you come up with those scores by using the absolute values of the absolute zeroes from the Rankine and Kelvin scales, as converted to the Fahrenheit and Celsius scales, respectively?

CWP: Uh... yeah, Des. Well done.

Des: Thank you, Concord. So, Doctor McChesty: Do you have yet another bring down preach-fest about the evils of the NFL and of sports media in general?

SMC: No, Des. To be fair, the NFL hasn’t built a new soccer stadium in the Amazon rain forest that will later be converted into a giant prison after the World Cup has been played or built another World Cup stadium in Qatar using Nepalese migrant slave labor. Yet.

Des: Now that we have once again abandoned the pretense of talking about the Bears at all, why don’t you finish things off, Prissy Minion?

PM: Des, your Bears posts have a captivating retro-future aesthetic that makes this website the most dazzling blog endeavor of 2013!

Des: Prissy, I don’t know how to respond to that, except to completely ignore it. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will be much less painful than watching another five teams get into the playoffs by beating the Cubs!

Bears vs. Steelers: 9-22-13

BEARS VS. STEELERS: 9-22-13


Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Pittsburgh Steelers in a game televised against the meth-fueled majesty of Breaking Bad. Will Jay Cutler display the cold-blooded ruthlessness of Heisenberg? Or the perplexed haplessness of Hal?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Tortuga” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, and famed sentinel of liberty, Captain America.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! The Russian government be accusin’ Greenpeace of piracy for tryin’ to board an offshore drilling platform owned by the state-owned natural gas company Gazprom. This only goes to show how watered down the concept of piracy has become when a boatload of hippies can be placed in the horrible company of dark legends such as Blackbeard, Calico Jack, and yours truly, Redbeard. Like everyone over the age of 40, I blame the decline of everything I value on the internet. The word “piracy” lost all meaning when music nerds who downloaded music without paying for it were called “pirates”. The lame-stream media utterly destroyed a brand we took centuries to build as a symbol of unrelenting evil with pointlessly horrific acts such as cutting off the lips of captives and serving them back to our prisoners as supper—which was a step up from what we fed the crew. By the way, Des, when I ordered me cabin boy to do internet research to craft this seemingly random tirade, do you know what appears at the top of the list when he performed a Google Search for “infamous people in history”? “Women in American History.” Think about it, won’t you?
Des: All valid complaints, Captain, but what does this have to do with the Bears?

SR: Nothing at all, ye wretched land-lubber! There be nothing really to mock about the Bears or Steelers right now. Chicago performed a solid, if unremarkable, game last week. Ben Roethlisberger hasn’t done anything reprehensible in the past couple of days. I leave it to the rest of your pitiful panel to somehow make forced comparisons to Breaking Bad.

Des: Let’s see what they come up with. Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

CWS: Well, the Steelers use a 3-4 defense instead of a Cover 2 configuration, they have defensive linemen who weigh 320, 300, and 285 pounds, and Devin Hester has only run one yard on two punt returns this year. That said, the Bears will have a breakout game and emerge victorious 38-10.

Des: Modre! Bedazzle us with your brain-scalding insights.

Modre: La familia es todo.
Des: If that weren’t a Breaking Bad reference, you would be almost comforting. Doctor Sally McChesty. Allow me to provide you with a really awkward joke set-up: “So, Doctor McChesty, I understand that you have created a montage of Bears clips that tie into a popular TV show or movie as Fox has often done with 24 or Star Wars.”

SMC: That’s right, Des, I’ve taken crucial plays from Bears games and put them to quotes from Breaking Bad. Here’s Brian Urlacher tackling a running back: “Stay out of my territory.” Now here’s Brian Urlacher sacking a quarterback: “I’m the one who knocks.” Here’s the defensive line huddling up: “No more half measures.” Finally, here’s my favorite: another quarterback flattened by Urlacher with the tag line “Shut the f--- up and let me die in peace.”

Des: Somehow, I don’t think the NFL is going to be ready for a promo that ties into the horribly violent world of methamphetamine dealing. Plus, Brian Urlacher retired. Finally, for no logical reason at all, here’s Captain America:

CA: This isn’t the America I remember. This isn’t the America I remember at all.

Des: Uh, sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will cause multitudes of football widows to run screaming into the arms of Devious Maids.

Bears vs. Vikings: 9-15-2013

BEARS VS. VIKINGS: 9-15-13

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Minnesota Vikings after a difficult struggle against the Cincinnati Bengals. Will the Bears repeat their winning formula of creating short fields for the offense, executing good clock management, and taking advantage of their opponent’s mindless penalties? Or will the Vikings manage to start more than one good player?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Fearless Fosdick” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and Doctor Sally McChesty.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Sadly, the upcoming Tom Hanks movie Captain Phillips will fail to reignite interest in piracy the way the endless Pirates of the Caribbean movies did. Although, to be fair, the latest installment of Pirates, featuring Johnny Depp as a Native American, failed in its mission as well. Why do I predict naught but abject failure for Tom Hanks and company? If the previews be any indication, there’s none of the lighter side to piracy that we’ve come to expect: Where be the drunken antics? Where be the plank-walkings and keel-haulings? Where be the butchered English, parrots, and hooks for hands? I did not hear a single “ARRRGH” in the entire commercial! Hell, the Captain Morgan ads present a more realistic portrayal of the aquatic thievery!

Speaking of bitter disappointments, here be me Treasure Map to the Superbowl: In the AFC, I predict the Dolphins, Bengals, Colts, and Chargers will hoist divisional banners, while the Broncos and Patriots will somehow trick their way into the wild card round. As for the NFC, I use precise solid-state astrolabe technology to forecast divisional championships for the Giants, Vikings, Panthers, and Seahawks while the Bears and Falcons will take cruel advantage of late season mutinies against their coaches by the Packers and Buccaneers to sneak past them and be anointed wild card teams. Prepare yourself for a shocker even greater than that experienced by yours truly when me boatload of stolen car batteries heading to Cuba crashed into an iceberg while we were sailing the wrong way: I predict that the Indianapolis Colts will defeat the Seattle Seahawks in this year’s Superbowl. All of Eddie Vedder’s caterwauling will not save the Seahawks!

Des: Captain, by betting against your Treasure Map, I outperformed all of the major stock market indexes. I mean, look at your record of poor predictions: Except for the Steelers, all of your AFC picks to win their divisions had losing records: the Jets, Titans, and Chargers. Granted, the Patriots and Ravens, your AFC Wild Card picks, did make the playoffs, the Falcons did win their division, and the Bears had a winning record, but picking the Eagles, who had a 4-12 record? And the Cardinals, with a 5-11 record? And how do you explain your ongoing compulsion to pick the Chargers to win their division?

SR: ARRRHHH, mateys! I take tremendous offense at your ill-informed land-lubber criticisms! Have ye ever had to guide a ship to avoid a treacherous storm using naught but your knowledge of ocean currents, wind direction and speed, the shape and color of clouds, the refraction gradient of sunlight against the sea, or the species and depth of fish and whales, plus the horrible algebra of calculating the ratios of varying levels of pain caused by differences in air pressure on your numerous shattered limbs? Well, I have, and the stakes are much higher than predicting mere football games! I have safely guided my crew home to port at least 3, maybe 4, times in the past year. Out of a couple hundred. Thank the ocean lord Poseidon for the Press Gang!

Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

CWS: Well, Chris Ponder has something to prove after a tough loss to the Lions, Adrian Peterson has historically played well at Soldier Field, and rookie receiver Cordarrelle Patterson may have a breakout game this Sunday. That said, the Bears will still win 45 to 17.

Des: Modre, the inscrutable Asian stereotype! Garnish our comedy soup with a pinch of sphinx-like wisdom.

Modre: The Prophet Almustafa answers questions from the people of Orphalese before taking his leave. The Prophet Almustafa answers questions from the people of Orphalese before taking his leave. The Prophet Almustafa answers questions from the people of Orphalese before taking his leave.

Des: Well, you know what they say: If something doesn’t make sense the first time, then constant repetition is the quickest path to understanding. With no transition whatsoever, let’s turn now to Doctor Sally McChesty, who will give us the lowdown on Jay Cutler’s wife’s traffic ticket.

SMC: Wait, really? That’s the story you want me to cover? What about the Oneida Nation’s plans to have a major protest in Lambeau Field against the Redskins for their racist name? What about the NFL’s squashing of the class action lawsuit by 4500 former players who suffered concussions? Then there’s...

Des: And that’s all the time we have, Woodward and Bring-down Steen... except for Prissy Minion checking in. How do you want to finish this off?

PM: You are the definition of comedy.

Des: Uh, sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will require mental stamina and an appreciation of the nuances of football strategy. Or a suitcase of beer, a bean bag chair, a working knowledge of a barbecue grill, a garage heated by burning wood in a trash can, and a mighty bladder!

Bears vs. Bengals: 9-8-2013

BEARS VS. BENGALS: 9-8-13


Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Cincinnati Bengals in what is most assuredly not a preview of this year’s Superbowl. Will Marc Trestman somehow find the key to unlock Jay Cutler’s hidden Sid Luckman-esque talent? Or will the Bengals receive a spark of hope that will be extinguished by their remaining 15 games?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Aquatic Ingénue” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and Sally McChesty.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! ‘Tis time once again to predict how the Bears will perform this season. As regular viewers of this internet experience know, my predictions come to me through a combination of physical ailments, revelations from numerous deities both aquatic and land-lubber, plus PTSD caused by watching 105 seasons of the Chicago Cubs. This miasma of the transcendent and the wretched reveals the following: the Bears’ new coach Marc Trestman will unleash all kinds of weird stuff that will befuddle their foes that involve flash paper and staring off into the distance and screaming. Thus the Bears will begin their season winning the first five games. Then the opposing coaches will catch on to Trestman’s trickery and ‘twill all be over—the entire O-line will lie slain on the battlefield as will the Bears first five starting quarterbacks until the Bears pick up Tim Tebow, who will be know as “touchdown Jesus” in that he will be horribly crucified, first by opposing defenses, then by the sports media, both local and national. The international media will not care.

So, to summarize and expand: the Bears will go 9-7 this year, defeating the Bengals, Steelers, Saints, Redskins, Rams, Browns, Eagles, and the Lions twice. They’ll split the Vikings, and lose to the Giants, Ravens, Cowboys, and the Packers twice. Someday, the Bears will discover the formula to defeating the Packers, but not this year.

Des: Captain, I noticed that your predictions are more modest for the Bears this year. Last year, you thought they would go 14-2, but ended with a 10-6 record.

SR: Aye. I was strung out on “ocean meth” last year, an ill-conceived mixture of coffee, rum, some ground up diet pills I had left over from the 1970s, ocean water, and Windex for coloring. When you’re sailing across the eternal wet, ye have a lot of time on your hands.

Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

CWS: Well, the Bengals have a 4-1 record against the Bears at Soldier Field, Gino Atkins and Carlos Dunlap are strong Bengals defenders, plus the Bengals have a more diversified offense and a more experienced offensive line and coaching staff. That said, the Bears will still win 34 to 6.

Des: Modre, the inscrutable Asian stereotype! I have no idea what you will say next.

Modre: Gaijin, I have just completed reading The Alphabet versus the Goddess which posits the theory that the written word causes people to become more left-brained, causing them to reject feminine values and become more misogynistic. You might think that reading this book would encourage me to reject reading and writing, but spending three hours deeply engrossed with this text has given me a toxic level of exposure to written language, leaving me 100 times more evil than before.

Des: Speaking of feminine values, here’s Sally McChesty presenting “Small Words”, a series of interviews with the children of NFL players.

SMC: Des, are you even aware that I possess doctorates in sports history, sports medicine, sports finance, and football strategy? I mean, what the hell? I’ve forgotten more about football than the rest of your sports panel will ever know! You want to know what the kids of NFL players have to say? During football season, most of them only see their fathers on NFL posters in their bedrooms!

Des: Yeah, book learning is not really a plus when it comes to sports casting. That’s all the time we have, folks. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that might make people forget about our horrible treatment of veterans... mostly because that won’t be mentioned when the NFL honors our soldiers.